First half term in year 7 turning out to be miserable!

[minkah]

My son is bright and quiet and has just started in year 7 at a big comp and is very unhappy because so many of the kids are disruptive and uninterested and -to him - just not nice to be around. I'm thinking I need to get him out of there, but there's no where immediately to jump to.. what do you think.. he's crying at bed time at the prospect of going in there.. I'm wondering about HE'ing until a place comes up somewhere smaller and less combative..

Am really upset to see him like this, he was always fine at primary school and nursery.

Talk to his form tutor as your first port of call, as they should have an idea by now of how the tutor group is shaking down. They will be able to keep an eye out, or pair him with a buddy in the form to look out for him. They should also be able to ask the teachers to keep an eye out for him and look for any covert or overt bullying that is happening. It doesn't have to be physical bullying - the passing and repetitive comments in the corridors can be bad enough and wearing after a while, especially as you say he is in a culture clash with some of the others.

Low level disruption is I'm afraid, standard in many comps, and he will have to learn to ignore it to an extent and concentrate on his learning, rather than bothering about what the rest are doing.

Some of the problem could be the size of the school - I never wanted to teach anywhere with a roll including 6th form of more than 1200-1400, as it gets too large and impersonal.

DD YR7 came home yesterday and told me about a boy in her form. She and her BF noticed a boy who she said often looks sad, looking really miserable yesterday. They spoke to him and it turns out he was homesick and misses home dreadfully at school. They took him to form teacher who has arranged for the boy to go to DD and BF or back to the form tutor if he is feeling upset or sad, from what I can gather there is no bullying involved.

My sister works in a big south london boys school and she said it is really very common for the young yr7 boys to feel like that.

Surely if it's so common, it needs to be addressed? Young year 7 boys should not be feeling desperately homesick and lost in their new schools as a matter of course. Instead of starting more and more vast comprehensives and academies, perhaps we should look at what needs changing. These schools are far too big and impersonal and surviving them means the children spend too much time in a defensive or fight/flight mode and not nearly enough being themselves/discovering who they are. How can creativity and intellectual exploration flourish in this environment, let alone emotional security and, eventually, maturity? If a school cannot be a secure base for a child, that child won't find the inner balance required to learn in any meaningful way. Smaller schools and happy environments should be paramount for our children.

I have had a similar experiance with my ds.
It didn't help that he was ill twice and had to miss a week and a half, including a 3 day residential trip where they were all supposed to get to know each other...He also had his phone stolen!
He used to cry every night and say he hated secondary school because it was too big and he missed all his friends.
But in the last week or so he has seemed much happier.He still complains about how hard it all is, but he is getting used to it and making new friends.
I think it just takes time. It's such a huge change for them, and so much is expected compared to primary school.
My advise is to give it more time, at least til the end of term.
But I really sympathise, it's horrible knowing they are unhappy.
Hope things get better soon

Fingsbusymum, if you don't mind, i would like to copy and paste some of your last post into a letter i am going to be writing to the Chair of Governors at my ds's secondary school.

He is struggling (being ADHD/AS doesn't help) with the massive change in size of school having been at the counties smallest primary previously. He gets hit, kicked, pushed and verbally abused on pretty much a daily basis. There was the clear outline of a trainer mark on the back of his p.e top last night - he told me had been wearing it at the time.

However, this week despite being punched in the face, leaving him bruised and swollen, and being humilated by the teacher, he still wants to stay at the school! On Tuesday, as a punishment for 'messing about' the teacher told my ds to stand in front of him and was told to kneel down. The class were standing very close by, within arms reach of my ds and a few of them laughed at him. I am LIVID! What kind of message is this sending out to his peers? That it is ok to humiliate and demean him?

I am at a loss of what to do - i am so unhappy with the school and have made numerous complaints, by email and yesterday by meeting with the deputy head.

I apologise for hijack your thread Minkah, but Fingbusymum's words struck a chord. My ds sounds like your ds, bright and (relatively) quiet. He is a kind boy who cannot understand these children's behaviour).

If anyone has any ideas of what my next move should be besides finding out if any of the other (potentially equally crap) schools in my area have to offer (which i am doing), please could you advise me.

Chocol8 - that is absolutely terrible ,unbelievable .
Have you googled Bullying - how about this
www.teachernet.gov.uk/wholeschool/behaviour/tacklingbullying/ ?

I've been trying not to respond to fingsbusy mum ,because I feel so strongly about Academies where there the ethos is zero tolerance on everything and the sponsor is anxious to paint a picture where they are the knight in shining armour coming to recue an entire school population of disaffected ,disengaged children with shattered ,chaotic backgrounds .The " cure " is draconian rules ,extended schooling where attendance at after school clubs is compulsary and additional classes on saturday and holidays where attendance is rewarded by bribes of bikes,ipods ,laptops.

This approach really doesn't suit everyone ,and in particular zero tolerance and petty rules is intepreted by some children as an example of teachers bullying.
So what do they do ? Bully eachother.

I would look at other schools and let the head and the governors know that you're thinking of writing to the local and national press.

Hi Minkah and all others who've posted here. I wondered how things were going for your son now? Can I introduce myself? I haven't posted in a couple of years, but lurk fairly regularly and came onto the boards tonight to browse for this topic - my son is year 8, and like Chocol8 mentions in her post, he is borderline ASD and has been unhappy in varying degrees ever since starting secondary. All the views here have been so valuable for me to read and it's such a relief to hear of others whose children have problems adjusting to secondary - we live in a small village, so bit of a goldfish bowl, and whenever the question of 'how's yours doing at secondary' comes up, everyone else tells how WELL their child is doing, how many friends they've made etc. etc. and I feel like some kind of failure that my ds isn't the shining star all of theirs are. We felt we had no alternative but to perservere - schools here are so hard to get into and so transferring is nigh on impossible (we're also quite near St Christophers mentioned above). This term we reached the point of developing school refusal but have finally got some response from the school. Ds no happier yet but at least some action is underway. In my experience, the key is finding one significant member of staff who will get things moving and be a reliable point of contact. So I'd love to hear from you how things are going and what decisions you've made.

Hi everyone. Just read all your responses - I thought this thread had died! So my apologies for my slow response.
Well ds has been home schooled since half term and he is happy as can be now, though he starts crying whenever the topic of him returning to a school at some point comes up..certainly for the time being and forseeable future he will be a home edder. He is doing really well, actually, at home, and his written work is coming along by leaps and bounds. He is much more fluent ( confident) and creative now in his work already.
It was an "Academy" that he went to, which was precisely as described by violetqueen above. Absolutely awful for a happy sensitive child used to being in communicative relationships with people.
I am so horrified by what Chocol8 has outlined above that I feel like crying. Really. Yes, my ds is kind too. Mystified and so upset by the casual brutality of a massive impersonal strict school.
These huge schools are a mistake, imo.