How to persuade dd to do this workshop

[NervousNutty]

The secondary school dd will go up to in Sept, always runs a summer workshop for the new starters.

It includes a day trip and other bits and bobs for £30.

Today Dd has come home with a letter offering her a place at a slightly different workshop for gifted and talented pupils. She has to write a statement explaining why she thinks she deserves a place and then 20 new yr 7 pupils will be selected.

If she gets a place it is free.

I want her to do the gifted and talented workshop, and she doesn't want to do either.

I'm beginning to think I should have sent her to boarding school

So, are these different workshops on different days, or are they singling out the G&Ts on the same days?

If they're singling them out, and I was her, I wouldn't want to go, as I don't think that sort of visible difference at the start of secondary would be helpful.

If they're on different days, well I guess it depends if she is noticeably G&T and wants a chance to meet others - but again, if it had been me, I wouldn't have wanted to

But the main one would be a chance for her to look round the school and meet some of her year, which I think would be a good experience for most children before they start the term, as there will be a lot to take in.

They are seperate workshops, but if she did the g&t one she wouldn't need to do the other one aswell.

This is the second g&t workshop she has been offered. The first one was just in English and she has that for 3 sessions after school befoe they break up.

I think there were 6 children out of her class given a letter, and there are 20 places in total, and obviously there are other applicants from other schools.

I don't see how it would be isolating her tbh. Plus the school have seen fit to put her in a class with non of her friends anyway.

I am proud of her for being offered this. Is it not seen as a good thing then ?

Why do you want her to to do the g and t one rather than go with her friends?

Her friends aren't going to either, so it isn't a case of me not wanting her to be with her friends.

Presumably she was offered the chance of the g&t one because they think she would benefit from it and thats why I want her to do it.

I would let her choose whether she wants to go or not (to either). Up to her what she wants.

It's what I've done with my children. They don't appear to have suffered or missed out by not taking up the offers.

So if she doesn't want to go to either then I say fine ok ??

Right, so if she decides she doesn't want to go to school at all, I say fine to that aswell ??

She is going to one or the other, especially as she has been put in a class with no friends, as this will be the perfect opportunity for her to make some.

I'm not sure how you made the jump from not going on these voluntary workshops to not going to compulsory (as she is enrolled there) school

Surely she will have opportunities to make friends in her class once back at school. You said in a previous post that she has friends. Maybe she would prefer to spend the time with them over the summer holiday.

It is 5 days out of 6 weeks, so plenty of time left afterwards for her to see friends.

The only reason she is saying she doesn't want to go is because her friends are playing the 'well we can do what we like' card, and so are not going.

If you want her to go it sounds like you'll have to bribe her in some way since she clearly doesn't want to go. She may not get picked anyway in which case there's a danger you're building this up into something that may feel like "failure" if she doesn't get it. I'd pick a different battle personally.

You know what, I think i'll just walk away quietly from this thread, because to be honest I am not sure what is so wrong about me wanting her to take up this opportunity.

My feeling is that if it is a "make new friends" sort of workshop rather than a "doing schoolwork" think, she'd be better at one with a wider range of children.
You wouldn't expect her to make her new friends only from other g and t pupils - so if it's social rather than academic, then let her choose.

NervousNutty...the opportunity is voluntary, and it is her opportunity not yours ..somtimes the only way DC's learn what is best is by making their own choices and sometimes making the wrong one.

and this isnt really a bad decision to get wrong, it isnt a real show stopper. I think that she is moving into snr school and should be given the opportunity to make her own choice given all the facts, she is obviously a very intelligent girl and would you truly want her to go begrudgingly?

People wont necessarily come on he and disagree with you for the fun of it, I would listen to what people have to say, the last thing you need to do is put distance between you and your DD at this point, she needs you as an ally, it is a big step to secondary school. I would really pick my battles with her.

I think the only thing you can do is discuss it with her and explain why you think the G&t one.
But to do that you are going to have to examine why...it's not to meet new friends because the first one would be better for that. Ditto settling in generally. Ditto 'just for fun'.
You won't be able to sell it to her because it makes you feel proud.
Try to articulate what will be good about it for her.

You're right to be proud of her achievements, and obviously she is doing well to have the chance of being offered the G&T workshop. However, she's not guaranteed a place on it. Some people, no matter how bright, would prefer not to put themselves in for something which is "competitive". There is also a risk that by being labelled as G&T, and "the kind of person who thinks they're better than the rest of us", she may be reducing her chances at making a wider circle of firends in the school.

I don't mean there's anything wrong in her being bright, but if these things aren't handled right it can be seen as divisive.

More generally, I think you're also moving into a new phase of her life, where it's right for you to give her more opportunity to make her own choices. If you something is desperately important, then of course it's your responsibility as a parent to try to get her to do it - and attending school regularly would be one of those.

But she also needs practice in making choices, where she can see the options and consider the possible consequences on both sides. And part of that is the freedom to make choices which are different from those your parents would have made.

There's nothing wrong in you wanting her to take opportunities which are offered. But there's also nothing wrong in her choosing not to take them. And as she gets older there will be many more times when you don't agree, many of them far more serious than this one. If you start allowing her to make choices now, trust her to think things through, and help her to accept that her choices may have consequences, you'll be helping her far more than by making her do this workshop.

my own dd went up to secondary last year, and my feeling has been that this is a time when you really need to start letting them feel grown up and responsible, at the same time as making it clear that you expect them to take responsible decisions where it really matters

so to me- attending school, working hard in lessons and doing her homework would be pretty non-negotiable, though I do make it clear that I expect her to be able to take responsibility for that herself

any out-of-school activities I would expect her to have much more of a say in

I didn't make dd join the g&t club even in junior school (YR 4 I think it was), because she made a good case for the alternative, pointing out that she did not want to choose her friends according to whether they were gifted or not

if I understand it rightly, you feel she ought to be doing one of these workshops in order to become part of her new school

first of all, I would do a bit of a poll among other new mums to find out how many of them are actually doing it=how essential it is

then I would think about whether your finances are too tight to allow your dd to have a say in this

if so, explain this to her (I find my dd is always quite accepting of financial constraints, as long as we discuss things with her as with an adult)

if financial considerations are not overwhelmingly important, then I would try to weight this against allowing your dd a say in the decision

I would think it very likely that she is anxious about the social side of secondary and does not want to be singled out from the start

I think I would expect my DD to do both of the workshops and would sell the positives. My DCs have been nervous about taking up various opportunities in the past but have always been glad that they did whatever it was afterwards. I don't see how an 11 year old can make an informed choice about issues around moving to secondary school when they know nothing about it.

To be honest I wouldn't have even discussed choice I would have had her sat at the table writing out why she wanted to go on the G&T workshop before she could catch her breath.

I'm with nervousnutty and webwiz

Well we have come to a compromise.

She wanted me to fill in the form to see if she could learn to play an instrument. She wanted me to put violin. I didn't want her to because whenever she has learnt an instrument before, she has always given up after a few weeks and I know violin is one of the harder instruments to learn.

I agreed to sign the form for that if she applied for the g&t workshop and she agreed.

Webwiz, you said exactly what I was thinking.

Excellent move, nervousnutty

Thanks