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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

When you can never be part of the 'elect'

61 replies

abraid · 22/06/2009 17:05

I used to think that the queen bee syndrome was, as the name suggests, a girl 'thing'. But my son, just finishing year 7, has been struggling on the fringes of a group of very sporty boys who are all very talented. My son is OK but not as good as the others. They seem to tolerate him at breaks, and one of them is a good mate. One seems to have nothing but disdain for him and another blows hot and cold.

He's just handed out some party invitations and the latter of these boys (the most talented and worshipped of them all) said 'Oh God!' when he thought my son wasn't listening. I have gently suggested that it might be better to concentrate more on the other boys in his year (it's an all-boys' school), many of whom he gets on well with and who would, I think, have more in common with my son.

But he's adamant that this group is where he wants to be. I'm praying they all get split up again next year when they move class. It just seems he's setting himself up for disappointment.

Has anyone any advice on how to deal with this? It may be there's nothing I can do: he's probably old enough to make his own choices. I do encourage him to invite the non-sports gods round in the holidays and they invite him back, but he still seems to gravitate towards this group.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 23/06/2009 11:28

My adolescent has a nice life thank you Anna and was most amused by this thread yesterday. His take was that he doesn't want to be part of a tribe as he likes what he likes and if his friends do great, and if not, they agree to differ, whilst still remaining friends.

I also think it's really important that they feel able to ignore peer pressure as sometimes peer pressure can lead to horrendous things happening.

As for me engineering his adolescence, yes I may have to at some stage. At present, he is a typical 13 yo who has given me no cause for concern as yet. Everyone parents differently, I am evidently not as laissez-faire as you about some things, and having seen up close what the effects of drugs can be on adolescents, I am not going to be either.

My ds was made aware of the pitfalls (drugs and alcohol)at a time that was appropriate for him, so your arrogance is breathtaking in suggesting that I haven't done what I needed to do when he was younger. Just because they are adolescents doesn't mean they don't need parenting - they need it more than ever at this stage; they need to know where the boundaries are and the consequences if they overstep them.

abraid · 23/06/2009 11:39

Interesting, slug and Swedes. He does rifle shooting at school as well as football, and seems to enjoy that sport.

They will all leave in year's time (it's a prep school) so I suppose this issue is time-limited in any case.

OP posts:
saintmaybe · 23/06/2009 11:46

He has to sort it out for himself, with you there to listen with no 'told you they were wrong'uns' if need be

You don't want to be unintentionally giving him the message that you think they're out of his league

And who was it who said, 'You wanna run fast, you gotta run with the fast crowd'?

abraid · 23/06/2009 11:55

Good point, I suppose this is just the start of the teenage-fitting-in angst years, isn't it?

[Puts on kettle and lies down]

OP posts:
southernsoftie · 23/06/2009 14:20

Isn't there a wider issue here of whether we can (or should) help our dcs to develop the skills to fit in with any group (within reason) that they want to belong to, even if it is not the group we would want them to be in? haven't most of us had children round to play at one time or another that we don't particularly like because that is who our dc wants to be friends with? Isn't this just an extension of that?

The reality of cliques is that they will be there throughout life (look at all the posts about playground politics from the (usually) mums. is there a case to say that part of our job as parents is to equip our children to cope, either by making compromises on their own preferences if that is what they want to do, or by helping them to see that there are alternatives to not being true to one's self?

I think I may be straying dangerously close to agreeing with Bonsoir Anna!

NotSportySpice · 23/06/2009 15:47

Can I put the other side of the story. My DS is sporty and I know that he can be a bit boisterous at times and self-satisfied in that way that competitive people are (you don't succeed if you spend all the time thinking that you are not as good as the next man). But his mum is there in the background: constantly, gently reminding him to have a bit of humility and humanity. On the whole, he is a nice chap (honest: he must be cos his mates voted him captain the other day).
Your DS's sports gods mates may not be as bad as you think. Why don't you invite them round in the holidays, too, and you may be pleasantly surprised. Alternatively, if they are asses at your house then your DS may start to see them through your eyes.

2Eliza2 · 23/06/2009 17:28

Erm, wasn't that the point of the OP's post: that her son had invited them to a party and one of them had replied very rudely? And that another one had been round to the house fairly frequently?

NotSportySpice · 23/06/2009 17:40

He didn't reply rudely to his face. He said something rude when he thought that OP's DS was out of earshot.

katiestar · 24/06/2009 15:00

It is good training for adult life-if you live in our village anyway

OrmIrian · 24/06/2009 15:17

I totally agree the adolescence is a vitally important time to develop your independence from parents. And to a certain extent if a new haircut or a new pair of trainers is going to help a child feel more confident I see no problem with supporting them in that way. And, yes most adolescents like to be part of a group. But if the group that a child yearns to be with are unpleasant and exclusive, I wouldn't want to keep pushing and encouraging him/her to try to belong. Why would you? Adult life isn't about striving to be somewhere you aren't wanted is it? And changing yourself to fit in?

cory · 24/06/2009 16:13

Agree with OrmIrian. It's not only about warning dcs against drugs and sex; I want them to be aware of the more subtle dangers of trying to be in with the in-crowd at all costs. When you become so dependent on being in the tribe that you will compromise with your own values, even if that means developing a nasty and exclusive attitude towards other people, then the advantage of belonging doesn't seem very great to me. I would rather dd was a good person, but lonely, than someone who had to be popular at all costs.

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