Private education for just one of my DC? Have you done this? Can I possibly....?

[ScruffySoAndSo]

just send one of my 4 DC to a private school.

There is more to this than I wanted to go into in this post but basically feel that DD2 is lacking in self confidence and self esteem and think that a private ed could give here these things.

We have planned for all 4 DC to go private possibly for 6th form so it is kind of in the grand scheme for all of them IYKWIM. But will I store up problems for later by others thinking this was unfair to treat DD2 so differently?

DD1 said today that she could understand our reasons for doing it and is quite OK on the face of it. However, the privilege of private ed may be hard on her in reality.

keep buyin g lottery tickets

TBH I think it will breed resentment in the long run

I think your family and children will understand. It is quite interesting actually, because usually the children all go to Private school, or all go to state school, so I'm sure all will benefit from the various experiences.

Private schools have advantages and disadvantages, you must have a good one in mind. Most will give lots of opportunities for a more well rounded education, including sports, music, drama, travel etc.

yes, I think it may come back years later and get me.

I know that my brother aged 44 still feels bitter about his education and the lack of support he got from my parents.

I wonder if it may just be enough to throw her/encourage her into out of school activities to raise her confidence.

I know someone who has done the same with one of her dc because of very bad bullying at the state school. The others have remained in state education but not sure that it will stay that way.

Interesting.

I feel I am in that situation we all get into sometimes where you could make a decision for really good reasons but wonder if you might be meddling a bit too much and actually things could be OK if left alone.

I am beginning to feel that perhaps she ought to go state to keep the peace and I will have to encourage other relationships by engineering extra curricular activities

I will judge my children on what is best for them and if that means one going private and one going state then so be it. However, if I only have the resources to send one privately then both will go state. It is extremely common round here to have one in private and one in state, and there are even a set of b/g twins at my sons school where the girl is still in our state school and the boy is at a very selective private school. There are also a number of mums who rush to do drop off at our school and 5 minutes later you see them at the prep school at the other end of the road. This may be because our school is like a private school in that it has a great education and the same kind of kids you would find at a private so parents simply choose which suits their children best rather than worrying if it is state or private.

I am hoping that my extremely bright DS will go to the local grammar but there is no similar school for DD so in all likelihood she will go private at 11 and we are very happy with that and will certainly not refuse a grammar place for DS and send him to a private school just so that we can say that we paid for it, that would be madness.

Although all of my siblings and I went to state school, one of my siblings had extra private schooling for a particular talent they had. I resented it bitterly, not because of the money, but because most of this extra schooling took place on a Saturday, and our activities were restricted as they had to be built around this one sibling's schedule. I guess my parents also spent a lot of money on this, but that wasn't the most important issue to me. I was probably also jealous that I did not have anything 'special' about me.

My youngest brother goes to private school, no resentment from me and sister unless we are using it to get my Mum to do something i.e. - Muuuum, you really should buy me this top I love as you have sent DB to private school all of these years etc

We understand it was under different circumstances - financial in our parents case. My best friend went to state and her brother went to private as he was dyslexic and his parents felt he needed more support than the state school could offer, no resentment between any of them either.

If it is right for your daughter then do it, just try and ensure they have the same opportunities open to them in the way of clubs etc.

My two brothers went to a private school, and I didn't.

Complicated circumstances - I did not get a place at the private school initially, was deeply unhappy at the government grammar school where I was, but by the time I got a place I had decided I wanted to stay put at the grammer school - partly because I had finally settled in, and partly because I knew the financial preassure my parents were under at the time.

I think there were times I whinged about my brothers longer school holidays and exciting excursions, but actually it wasn't a big deal and I don't resent it even slightly now.

Having said that, the school I went to was very good, and cost prevented my brothers from going to all the expensive overseas trips etc at their provate school, so in the end we had fairly similar educational experiences.

If your other DC would be left at a 'bad' state school or onw with limited extra curricular opportunities, I think it could be a problem. But if thy are happy at their school, then I'd say it probably wont be.

Me and my sister went to private school. My brother didn't. However he had left or was in his last year when I moved to private. Originally it was just me cos I won a scholarship and my parents couldn't really afford to send me. My Aunt saw how good the school was and helped my parents pay for her to go aswell.

Me and my brother both went to state school. I resented that I couldn't audition for a specialist music school because they couldn't afford for us both to go private and wanted things to be fair. I had heaps more money spent on all my music lessons anyway, whilst db even managed to have those in the state system.

It'll never be fair if one of them has an expensive talent!

Interesting posts.

The local High School is actually really good and I am happy for DD2 to go there. The issue for me is that she will not be going up with a strong cohort of friends from her primary school and she has always felt (as we do too) that she is in a 'bad year group'.

She has always been desperate to have good friends as her big sis had at primary but unfortunately there are 17 boys in her class who she has tried really hard to play with, but as they get older she has been called names by them for hanging out with them. The 6 other girls in her class are only really interested in shopping and the Disney channel and there seems no real drive to do anything. Before you say it though, I do of course encourage extra activities and she has piano lessons (loves them), dance and Brownies away from school friends.

The girl friends she has are very immature in comparison to DD1's friends at this age and they are quite domineering in a sense that they tell DD2 how to behave and generally push her around a bit. DD2 is very sociable and easy going - but unfortunately too easy going and wants to please her mates at all costs.

I just wondered if private could help her have more confidence and altogether a happier time at school. She would be fine at local school but feel things could be better.

DH and I really loved school (I know ) and so want the same for our kids. Feel we only get one shot at this.

BTW - can only afford for one to go the whole way, others will get the 6th form option as they are doing OK ATM.

Do you know that it will be exactly the same children at high school, without any new ones? That would be unusual.

Shame dd's class/year are so tricky.

yes there will be some new kids but our school is the biggest feeder school and think that generally this is a small birth year.

Of course she would be fine there and will prob go state. Our high school is better than most just want to explore all options.

Trouble is I went to a Grammar and DH went private so sort of brainwashed into the elitest system I suppose which is of course totally wrong. I saw the probs my sister had after failing 11 plus and going to a school which wasn't right for her and she still has confidence problems aged 40. some of this is down to her personality but I can see that she didn't have the 'right' peer pressures that I had to push me into doing more with my life.

I am sure I can have enough input by putting DD2 in right situations outside school to help with confidence and esteem. ??

We have on in state and one in independent - the independent was an experiment, but after DS1 had been there one day (!) we knew we should have done it years ago, and DS2 will definitely go independent. If you can only afford one, I would not send the one, as you will see the difference and fret that the others are not getting the same opportunities.

Mrs Guy - that is my fear. I can think of really good reasons for all of them to go.

Oh dear.

We are all private now, but have used a mixture in the past. It has not been a problem for our children. You have to look at each child's individual needs and weigh up their needs vs the needs of the whole family.

I know lots of kids who have siblings and grammer and private and I don't think it is a problem for those families.

FIVE SETS OF SCHOOL FEES?

Do you really pay five sets?

That is eye watering? I know you can get discounts but still.

I am now thinking that I have probably three options:

1. DD2 stays at state High School
2. DD2 goes private and others stay state
3. I go back to work FT and try and send all three little ones.DD1 is thriving where she is.

Seriously, how do you afford all the fees? Do you have a financial scheme to pay for them over forever maybe. DH is a farmer and could easily afford them in a good year but this year we made no profit at all and would be in a huge mess.

Gosh that must set you back at least £40k a year

at least. It means I work rather than SAH.

Scruffy, someone I know who works in the sector told me LOTS of fees are paid by someone other than the parents... so are they any grandparents/godparents you could beg for help?

I know. I really hoped there could be a trust that could just provide. No such luck.

I will either scrap this plan completely or have to work incredibly hard to do it.

Is it better to be SAHM or work all hours and pay?? That's what I have got to decide.
It could really be worth it or totally not.

Scruffysoandso, Do you have a particular school in mind? I feel very strongly that one should not go private for the sake of it and for being "fair". Obviously if one child is at a poor state school and the other is at a fantastic independent school then that's unfair but if the state school is offering a good education and meeting that childs needs then what is the point of moving them? If it isn't then that's a different question altogether. If the situation is that the one in state education is at a poor school then a consideration would be to look for a better state school and this is often easier later into the schooling as children leave and places come up which don't have to necessarily be filled by children in the catchement.

I certainly wouldn't work full time and all te hours in the world just to pay school fees if the state option was fine. If the state options were dire then I would work 24/7 to pay fees. If you do send all your children privately just to be fair then what does that mean for extras? I am not talking about skiing trips and things like that as I think that it is perfectly fine to say "no, you can't do that it's too expensive" and there will be plenty of children who can't go skiing / on rugby tour / to visit pompeii etc. However, if it means no extra curricular activities, no summer camp, no football lessons, no cubs/ brownies / guides then perhaps private is a step too far, these things are extremely important IMO, and far more important than a private education where there's a good state alternative. Children need more than school and if it means that they can't do anything over and above school then I wouldn't do it.

Just to add that your reason for choosing a private school is because your daughter is lacking in self confidence and self esteem. Why do you think that a private school would make this better. There are a number of children in our school who have come from private schools and the overiding message I'm getting from the parents are that the childrens confidence increased 1000 times when they came into the state school. Obviously all schools are different but many private schools are very pushy, I am hard pushed to think of any round here that aren't, and academically orientated and for children who are not that way inclined and the academic pressure can be detrimental to their development. Most of the schools will say that they develop the childrens confidence etc but if that's what you're looking for then don't take the schools word for it, talk to all sorts of parents and get a real picture.

If that's the only reason for moving your child then could they get that confidence from other activities ie drama or karate?

Please don't think that I am anti private schools, I am not at all, I am very pro but I am also very sure that they are not the answer to all problems and that there are so many that one can't automatically assume that private means that it will meet your childs needs by virtue of how it is funded.