Refusing school poor attendance- and end of my tether

[Onelongholiday]

14 yo daughter is heading me to destruction. Her school attendance is 58 %. I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. She just won’t get out of bed, Refuses to go. Nothing seems to help. Alarm clocks. Shouting upstairs at intervals to hurry her along. Tbh I doubt even physically man handling her would do anything either, though obviously that’s a no. Am divorced so no practical help in mornings from father although he does support and has been round to talk to her. My parents come on the 2 mornings of the days I work in the week to get her up and to school but it makes no difference, she’s same with them. She just won’t move unless she feels inclined. My dad has even taken her to school (on the days she has gone) in the car (I’m learning so no transport of my own at present). I’m to the point that even the school (who have tried to help) are now saying if her attendance gets any worse they will have no choice but to refer to council. I really don’t know what I can do to get her to go. Tried everything I can think of to the point now of despair as have my parents and her dad. Older sister is no trouble and the younger one, even though she’s got anxiety issues, does at least go. It’s just her. Any ideas on dealing with getting her to go would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

So sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. I don’t have personal experience but I do have lots of professional experience working with students who are absent from school. My first thought is to look with the school as to whether there is undiagnosed neurodivergence. This could be learning or language difficulties, autism, adhd, or mental health diffs that are barriers to attendance. It might be hard for her to verbalise what’s going on and why school seems out of reach right now so some external assessment might be the way forward. Ask people who know her, at school and outside what they think about her learning and interaction style. If I was a parent I would be looking at getting an independent educational psychologist assessment, although I know this is costly it could be really worth it. Sit down with the school (ideally senco, tutor and head of year) in a meeting and start problem solving and asking them to think outside the box. Eg can they provide any assessments in school that might point towards underlying needs, can they suggest mental health support, can they offer a reduced timetable or dropping difficult subjects that seem too tricky for her? Is there bullying or difficult peer relationships that might need dealing with eg change of tutor. For some students, changes like being allowed to leave the classroom early to avoid busy corridors or having a sensory break during lessons is very helpful. I would think less about what might help her get out of bed, but instead what barriers in school can be reduced or removed to support her learning?
Listen to her and try and get a feel from her about what might make things easier and go from there. It’s incredibly frustrating for everyone so I feel for you. If you want to read more, check out Dr Naomi Fisher online who does webinars about school refusal and how to help teens with burnout etc. I don’t know your child or their situation but some of her resources may be useful

Thank you for your advice. On the odd occasion she has said not going because her friends not there (not sure why) but I’m not convinced. Since childhood she is a convincing liar and still is. She even told the school my poor mum had hit her on the face. She did later admit to the school she lied about it but my poor old mum is still traumatised by it and has never had an apology. I can ask for CAMHS referral by the school - the wait time is lunatic so not sure it will help by time she’s seen - but I don’t think it’s her mental health. It’s teenage bl**dy mindedness most likely which has escalated to such a degree that if she doesn’t stop this then I’m going to end up with fines and ultimately a £2500 fine and criminal record - despite all of us trying everything we can to get her there - I would then lose my job as would fail a DBS. She is a bully and has threatened to walk out the house if she doesn’t get taken to a friend - 4 miles away on country fast roads no footpaths - so had to cave in to that. She’s ruining her education but is also ruining the lives of all the rest of us. I have to keep any money I have locked away as she’s also a thief, stealing from me and her sisters. I refuse to give her a bank account because I don’t feel she is responsible enough for it at present. I’m so lost with all this.

I don’t think this is just teenage bloody mindedness. I think there is something more.

What support has the school tried?

If DD cannot attend school full time, the LA has a duty to ensure she still receives a suitable full-time education. Have you requested alternative provision from the LA?

Alongside this, also request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

I would also question how this is being recorded. If DD isn’t able to attend because of EBSNA, it should be authorised and coded as I.

What does she do home alone when she doesn’t go to school?

Could you remove the WiFi and her phone so that she becomes bored? Physically remove them - take the router and her phone to work. Then she only her phone in the evening if she has been to school.

We had a similar problem with my DS at a similar age. We told him that education was the law of the land and there was no option - fortunately he is a rule follower. Was told parents would be in trouble if he did not attend and that that would have repercussions for the family Refusal to get out of bed were treated with cold, wet flannels on exposed flesh followed by icepacks. He was ND and had a number of problems but never missed school unless genuinely ill.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have experience of working with students and their families struggling with EBSA. Is she under CAMHS? and have you taken her to the GP? If you have ruled out all obvious reasons, neurodivergence, bullying, etc and she can't actually tell you why she feels this way then it's time to take things back to the bare minimum. Stop pushing school right now. I would right off the rest of this academic year and work towards a very slow return from September. When I mean slow, I mean week 1 she just gets up and puts her uniform on but stays home... that slow!
And don't worry about what school is saying, if you go to the GP and get her signed off for anxiety they can't touch you. You shouldn't need to do this but if the school are being difficult then that is the route I would take.

Is there something she likes or is good at, aside from the lying/stealing/staying in bed? What could she see herself doing beyond school? Is it something that 'needs' school or might she actually be okay in the long-run if there's something she likes that isn't necessarily academic? Just trying to see the bigger picture because it's so stressful with the daily struggles and the fear of the council etc.

Those things are important, but this sounds more than teen bloody-mindedness. She's still young and there will be fears and other issues underlying her choices, so good to persist in getting help for those and to find positive things to focus on as well as the negatives which can be hard to get past I understand, but vital so that she doesn't just play into this role of the middle 'bad' child who doesn't toe the line like her good sisters, and make it her whole identity. If there's other sides to her, and I'm sure there are, encourage those and maybe the school side won't seem so huge, and she might even start to find where she fits in it, whether she gets back into school on the current timeline or at college later on. Some areas have colleges that take from 14 up, so that might suit her better.

But definitely get her on the CAMHS list, it takes ages but therefore better to get on it asap, and work with the school as closely as possible, plus other groups can help with advice and support (there's a good FB group for families dealing with school refusal, can't remember name but sure it'll be findable).