Refusing school poor attendance- and end of my tether

[Onelongholiday]

14 yo daughter is heading me to destruction. Her school attendance is 58 %. I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. She just won’t get out of bed, Refuses to go. Nothing seems to help. Alarm clocks. Shouting upstairs at intervals to hurry her along. Tbh I doubt even physically man handling her would do anything either, though obviously that’s a no. Am divorced so no practical help in mornings from father although he does support and has been round to talk to her. My parents come on the 2 mornings of the days I work in the week to get her up and to school but it makes no difference, she’s same with them. She just won’t move unless she feels inclined. My dad has even taken her to school (on the days she has gone) in the car (I’m learning so no transport of my own at present). I’m to the point that even the school (who have tried to help) are now saying if her attendance gets any worse they will have no choice but to refer to council. I really don’t know what I can do to get her to go. Tried everything I can think of to the point now of despair as have my parents and her dad. Older sister is no trouble and the younger one, even though she’s got anxiety issues, does at least go. It’s just her. Any ideas on dealing with getting her to go would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

So sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. I don’t have personal experience but I do have lots of professional experience working with students who are absent from school. My first thought is to look with the school as to whether there is undiagnosed neurodivergence. This could be learning or language difficulties, autism, adhd, or mental health diffs that are barriers to attendance. It might be hard for her to verbalise what’s going on and why school seems out of reach right now so some external assessment might be the way forward. Ask people who know her, at school and outside what they think about her learning and interaction style. If I was a parent I would be looking at getting an independent educational psychologist assessment, although I know this is costly it could be really worth it. Sit down with the school (ideally senco, tutor and head of year) in a meeting and start problem solving and asking them to think outside the box. Eg can they provide any assessments in school that might point towards underlying needs, can they suggest mental health support, can they offer a reduced timetable or dropping difficult subjects that seem too tricky for her? Is there bullying or difficult peer relationships that might need dealing with eg change of tutor. For some students, changes like being allowed to leave the classroom early to avoid busy corridors or having a sensory break during lessons is very helpful. I would think less about what might help her get out of bed, but instead what barriers in school can be reduced or removed to support her learning?
Listen to her and try and get a feel from her about what might make things easier and go from there. It’s incredibly frustrating for everyone so I feel for you. If you want to read more, check out Dr Naomi Fisher online who does webinars about school refusal and how to help teens with burnout etc. I don’t know your child or their situation but some of her resources may be useful

Thank you for your advice. On the odd occasion she has said not going because her friends not there (not sure why) but I’m not convinced. Since childhood she is a convincing liar and still is. She even told the school my poor mum had hit her on the face. She did later admit to the school she lied about it but my poor old mum is still traumatised by it and has never had an apology. I can ask for CAMHS referral by the school - the wait time is lunatic so not sure it will help by time she’s seen - but I don’t think it’s her mental health. It’s teenage bl**dy mindedness most likely which has escalated to such a degree that if she doesn’t stop this then I’m going to end up with fines and ultimately a £2500 fine and criminal record - despite all of us trying everything we can to get her there - I would then lose my job as would fail a DBS. She is a bully and has threatened to walk out the house if she doesn’t get taken to a friend - 4 miles away on country fast roads no footpaths - so had to cave in to that. She’s ruining her education but is also ruining the lives of all the rest of us. I have to keep any money I have locked away as she’s also a thief, stealing from me and her sisters. I refuse to give her a bank account because I don’t feel she is responsible enough for it at present. I’m so lost with all this.

I don’t think this is just teenage bloody mindedness. I think there is something more.

What support has the school tried?

If DD cannot attend school full time, the LA has a duty to ensure she still receives a suitable full-time education. Have you requested alternative provision from the LA?

Alongside this, also request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

I would also question how this is being recorded. If DD isn’t able to attend because of EBSNA, it should be authorised and coded as I.

What does she do home alone when she doesn’t go to school?

Could you remove the WiFi and her phone so that she becomes bored? Physically remove them - take the router and her phone to work. Then she only her phone in the evening if she has been to school.

We had a similar problem with my DS at a similar age. We told him that education was the law of the land and there was no option - fortunately he is a rule follower. Was told parents would be in trouble if he did not attend and that that would have repercussions for the family Refusal to get out of bed were treated with cold, wet flannels on exposed flesh followed by icepacks. He was ND and had a number of problems but never missed school unless genuinely ill.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have experience of working with students and their families struggling with EBSA. Is she under CAMHS? and have you taken her to the GP? If you have ruled out all obvious reasons, neurodivergence, bullying, etc and she can't actually tell you why she feels this way then it's time to take things back to the bare minimum. Stop pushing school right now. I would right off the rest of this academic year and work towards a very slow return from September. When I mean slow, I mean week 1 she just gets up and puts her uniform on but stays home... that slow!
And don't worry about what school is saying, if you go to the GP and get her signed off for anxiety they can't touch you. You shouldn't need to do this but if the school are being difficult then that is the route I would take.

Is there something she likes or is good at, aside from the lying/stealing/staying in bed? What could she see herself doing beyond school? Is it something that 'needs' school or might she actually be okay in the long-run if there's something she likes that isn't necessarily academic? Just trying to see the bigger picture because it's so stressful with the daily struggles and the fear of the council etc.

Those things are important, but this sounds more than teen bloody-mindedness. She's still young and there will be fears and other issues underlying her choices, so good to persist in getting help for those and to find positive things to focus on as well as the negatives which can be hard to get past I understand, but vital so that she doesn't just play into this role of the middle 'bad' child who doesn't toe the line like her good sisters, and make it her whole identity. If there's other sides to her, and I'm sure there are, encourage those and maybe the school side won't seem so huge, and she might even start to find where she fits in it, whether she gets back into school on the current timeline or at college later on. Some areas have colleges that take from 14 up, so that might suit her better.

But definitely get her on the CAMHS list, it takes ages but therefore better to get on it asap, and work with the school as closely as possible, plus other groups can help with advice and support (there's a good FB group for families dealing with school refusal, can't remember name but sure it'll be findable).

She would just stay in bed all day. Cannot get the phone off her as would have to use force. Not sure what EBSA and EHCNA are ?

School have allowed her to start at 10am causing my poor old dad taking her when she does go as I’ve not passed my test.

i have mentioned to school how my ex husband had mental issues (probably still does even) - he had anger issues and also wasted his time at school - in some ways she is very similar.

Seen Gp, waste of time. Not sure who refers to CAMHS, Gp refused.

Thanks for all ideas. Only 2 weeks till holidays. Maybe come September she will turn over a new leaf in year 10.

I wouldn’t hold on to that naivety OP - she has no intention of changing. Does she not care at all what would happen to you? Sounds like she needs it spelling out by someone in authority.
So sorry OP, you are doing your best.

you can stop paying for her phone, remove the charger, switch off wifi - there's a lot of evidence that smartphones are really damaging to kids, hence why schools will be banning them in sept, its not the easy option but use the holidays to reset.

EBSA is Emotionally Based School Avoidance. Sometimes now called Emotionally Based School Non-Attendance (EBSNA).

EHCNA is Education, Health and Care Needs Assessment. It is the assessment you request as part of the process to get an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP).

In some areas, you can self refer to CAMHS. If you can’t, the school or GP will be able to. If they refuse, complain.

This is good advice - and it is true.
She literally does not have a choice because there are consequences. Does she realise this? Ask her how she will pay the £2500 fine? I would also sit her down and get her involved in the family finances. I’d show her the bills and the bank account. Ask her how she will pay her share of the bills if she has no education and no job? She won’t even be able to afford a bed to lie in if she doesn’t get up and get on with life now.

I would do this and I’d also mix it with asking her why she won’t go and trying to facilitate her going; but I would be cautious of ‘giving too much help’ because she doesn’t have a choice and pandering gives her the impression she does have a choice. I’d be getting her up very very early to make sure she has plenty of time to get there.

keep going - this sounds so hard, you sound like an amazing mum xxxx

Absolutely agree aswell - no school = zero phone and zero internet, zero pocket money.

You want those things in life, you have to work. You can’t lie in bed all day.

You say taking her phone would require force - well that’s fine- you take the phone. She is a child; she doesn’t get to choose. She wants nice to have things in life; she does what is required. The phone must go for poor behaviour and that’s what this is! I would be booking her into the morning kids wraparound thing if there is one and I would make it clear we leave for school at 8am or she’ll have no phone, no internet, no pocket money and no nice extras.

I can’t believe you let her keep her phone!
No phone, no TV, no internet just books.

Remove the phone/charger while she is asleep.

Could she live with dad for a while & he can deal with her shit for a bit?

She can’t live with him as he’s at his mums house with her and his sister. No room for her there unfortunately - wish there was !

Shes been told about the fine. She doesn’t care tbh. The phone issue - easy to say get it off her even by force - but she’s as big as me so not something I’d like to try for fear of injury - I can’t afford to be off work. - also if she’s out with friends it’s the only way I know where she is.

Glad when it’s school hols so counting down. I’m just fed up of her ruining life for me and her sisters plus my parents who pick up the slack on the days I work. Roll on school hols.

OP, please re-read my first post. You need to look at how the absences are being recorded. EBSNA absences should be recorded as I. This is an authorised code. Therefore, doesn’t lead to a fine or prosecution.

@Onelongholiday ask school for an Early Help Assessment. This could get you a Family Help Worker, which is what I think you need. They can work with you in establishing routines and boundaries at home that promote developing a positive parent-teen relationship, to reduce the battles. In the mean-time, Google the Togetherness program, they offer some online parenting courses.

Before you look at children's mental health support, you need the child's voice. Does you daughter want or thinks she needs MH support? If not, she won't engage and you won't get past triage if you refer.

To qualify my response here, I'm a secondary school safeguarding and attendance lead.

Stop paying for her phone credit then! Without phone credit or Wi-Fi staying at home will be a lot less interesting.

If you want to be able to track her - stick an air tag into the lining of the coat/bag she usually takes.

Or take the alternative approach - withdraw her from school and sign her up to an online school. Drop the rope and the fight and see if the lack of tension make everything easier.

How was end of term op?
my DD is ND and school refused when she just was at her mental capacity.
what worked a bit in yr11 was looking at college options. Setting out what her options would be depending on grades.

I'm no lawyer but I would get legal advice about why this would cause you to fail a DBS? Why should it, are all types of fines etc listed? So if someone has a parking fine? It just surprises me, as obviously if someone commits certain types of crimes then we wouldn't want them alone with vulnerable people, but if it's something like this

Council website says the smaller fines are not on DBS. But if you are prosecuted and fined £2500 max then yes it is.

from council site
“If you’re prosecuted and attend court because your child hasn’t been attending school, you could get a fine of up to £2,500. Cases found guilty in Magistrates Court can show up on parents and step-parents future DBS certificates as a failure to safeguard a child’s education.”

Well survived getting her on school bus. Last day was today. However emails about her truanting lessons - I’m just glad to have a break now from it for a few weeks. I can’t control what she does in school so I’ll just grateful if she actually goes ! Hoping now she’s done her options and starts yr 10 in September she will buckle down. The latest trick is now stealing makeup from her grandma while she was there the other week. The same grandma she accused of hitting her to the school. So if my mum doesn’t want anything to do with her I can’t blame her. It just never ends. We are all away on holiday soon, so my mum has resorted to buying a lockable box to keep any cash in as daughter has confessed she stole money last year off her younger sister. It shouldn’t be like this, can’t trust her at all. She’s stolen things of mine too so I’m going to have to put a lock on my bedroom door - another job for my long suffering dad.