Refusing school poor attendance- and end of my tether

[Onelongholiday]

14 yo daughter is heading me to destruction. Her school attendance is 58 %. I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. She just won’t get out of bed, Refuses to go. Nothing seems to help. Alarm clocks. Shouting upstairs at intervals to hurry her along. Tbh I doubt even physically man handling her would do anything either, though obviously that’s a no. Am divorced so no practical help in mornings from father although he does support and has been round to talk to her. My parents come on the 2 mornings of the days I work in the week to get her up and to school but it makes no difference, she’s same with them. She just won’t move unless she feels inclined. My dad has even taken her to school (on the days she has gone) in the car (I’m learning so no transport of my own at present). I’m to the point that even the school (who have tried to help) are now saying if her attendance gets any worse they will have no choice but to refer to council. I really don’t know what I can do to get her to go. Tried everything I can think of to the point now of despair as have my parents and her dad. Older sister is no trouble and the younger one, even though she’s got anxiety issues, does at least go. It’s just her. Any ideas on dealing with getting her to go would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Id buy her a brick phone. Id cancel the smart phone. Id turn the Internet off. She would have nothing if she isn't going to school. However, i would give incentives to go to school. She'd get pocket money for every full day attended and an extra bonus if she completes the full week. The bonus doesn't need to ge money. It could be a nail polish she wants or an extra hour on her curfew because shes been responsible.

cancel the phone contract and put a password on your WiFi so she can’t use the phone. I’m sure you could take it away when she was asleep?

But she doesn’t seem anxious so not EBSA OP has said she just doesn’t want to go. These absences are rightly unauthorised and in surprised OP hasn’t been referred to LA already either 58% attendance

I am going to disagree with everyone here and say don't remove the phone. She sounds neurodivergent and her behaviour is a form of communication for someone that is not coping and is experiencing severe anxiety. You need to start researching ADHD, ASD and PDA in girls. Particularly look at Autistic Girls Network on Facebook and Not Fine in School. I think you'll find if she is neurodivergent you will realise she is showing signs of having the traits associated. ND children/teens will go in to fight/flight/fawn/freeze and she is most probably stuck in fight mode. You need support and that is as previously mentioned through CAMHS/GP/school/the LA. Do whatever is asked of you, this shows you're cooperating and working with the school and professionals so if it does come to attendance fines you'll have the evidence you are doing everything you can. Good luck!

A child doesn’t have to appear anxious in order for them to have EBSA/EBSNA. There is far, far more to it than that.

what a difficult situation for you to manage.

However, I also feel as though there is more to this story than is being presented. I also think you should get her a GP referral to Camhs (insist upon it! Cite the poor attendance, your desperation, concerns for her future, etc).

Anxiety manifests in many different forms; it doesn’t present just as ‘a very worried, ‘anxious’ young person’.

An awful lot of cases of school refusal, particularly in adolescent girls, is as a result of unmet neurodivergent needs/ autistic burnout. I don’t mean to worry you and I completely sympathise, it must be a real nightmare for you to deal with (esp on your own) - but this behaviour isn’t ‘normal’ and I would be very concerned about her mental health/happiness, if she were my daughter.

How do they determine if it is actually EBSA or just a teenager being a pain ?

From OP’s posts, it is clear to anyone who understands EBSA/EBSNA and wider SEN that it is not just a child being a pain. Schools should have the knowledge and experience to understand that, sadly they don’t always.

I understand EBSA and don't agree with you.

Schools don’t always immediately assume refusal to attend is EBSA. This is because they have knowledge and experience to understand EBSA.

However, as well as EBSA related refusal, they are simultaneously dealing with refusal to attend that is not EBSA - just the child being difficult and a parent who needs more support to assert boundaries, rules and routines in the home. That type of refusal isn't EBSA.

My earlier post suggested an Early Help Assessment for exactly this reason.

That’s fine. You are, of course, free to think what you want.

Many schools actually don’t have the “knowledge and experience to understand EBSA.“

I agree with this post. I had the same with my eldest. She ended up in alternative education and now in her 20’s is doing very well including having gone to university (despite only taking a few GCSE’s) You do need to get her on Camhs as soon as possible. Go to the GP. You need the school to be supportive not breathing down your neck with threats. There was absolutely no way my daughter was going in some days. Until you have experienced that, you have no idea. You can’t physically force a 14 year old into school.

Regarding the phone - I limited her data so she was really only able to access it via the internet. Then I could control when she was on it which stopped her going on it all night. I just rang the provider and changed her data allowance (sadly they didn’t reduce the cost though).

my daughter did like buying things so when in the alternative education I did pay her pocket money directly linked to her % attendance. My line was that we all have to go to work and if you don’t, you don’t get paid. It didn’t solve everything but on some days it was an added motivation for her.

it’s a tough time so please be kind to yourself. They do come out of the other side and it is not the end of the world.