Should we move secondary’s?

[hydrangeasandroses]

Hi all, looking for advice on moving secondary’s.

DD is finishing year 7 and things haven’t gone the way she’d hoped. Extremely long story short, we didn’t pick her local school as she has some additional needs due to autism. She hasn’t got an ECHP and is scoring working well beyond across the board so is thriving academically. However, the support emotionally and socially that we were promised hasn’t really materialised. Ontop of this, she hasn’t made any friends. She has a few connections, but tends to just get picked up and put down as needed. The friend she started this school with soon dropped her and now is nasty to her frequently so this has been a sense of deep grief for her too.

All this said, we are going to put her on the waiting list at our local school and hope a place will materialise quite fast. Whilst it isn’t renowned for SEN or pastoral support (which is why we didn’t pick it) it is a 10 min walk from our house (I am currently doing 2 hours driving a day getting her to and from school) and she knows a few girls there (not really friends but people she texts now snd again). As she isn’t getting the Sen support anyway, I think we’re ready to give up on current school. We are not unhappy with the school and I think it’s better in lots of ways, but is it worth it?

DD is warming to the idea of moving now she’s looked through the website and there are some rules that would suit her better. But I think we both fear things would be worse and we’re scared of the change. We also know that there’s a high chance she wont find her tribe at new school either, but at least she would be close and able to walk and have some independence. Both schools are good academically speaking.

WWYD?

Academic success is great but that's not only what school is about is it? The social side of it is just as important for DC. It's vital that they feel they belong to the school community and it teaches them such important life skills. It's not good enough for schools to fob parents off and use academic ability as their only measure of achievement.
I appreciate there's only so much schools can do but it sounds like her school is doing nothing!

I agree with @Toomanyminifigs. Request an EHCNA now. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Nothing has changed yet. The law has not yet changed at all. LAs must not base decisions based on the white paper. They must follow the current law.

Even without an EHCP, the school must make their best endeavours to meet DD’s SEN and they must make reasonable adjustments. If that isn’t happening and you aren’t getting anywhere with the SENCO, go higher up. If you have the contact details of DD’s class teachers, email them directly too. Don’t rely on information being passed on.

I think we have basically made the decision to move her now (unless when we are offered a place and meet with them they aren’t good at all) as she has had enough and wants a fresh start closer to home. We are second on the list. Is it too optimistic to think by some fluke we’d end up with a place being offered for year 8? I wonder if there’s more movement at this time of year and hoping 1st place no longer wants their place maybe? I guess we could be waiting years 😓

im sad because I put my heart and soul into the secondary school decision. I did everything I could. Met with our primary sendco for her views, met secondary to discuss needs etc and essentially I think I got it wrong. She hasn’t suffered academically but I guess I’ve lost all confidence in making the decision now to move her.

Have you tried to meet other local families with autistic teen girls?

@Araminta1003 there aren’t any where we live. I have looked, enquired etc. DD has no problem muddling along with other children, they’ve nothing against her, but do not wish to socialise with her. We are focussing on getting school right at the moment

@hydrangeasandroses - DS is in year 7 and the autistic kids in his school have their own clubs and seem very friendly with each other. Our local music trust is also full of autistic teens, playing in orchestras together. I am not saying it isn’t still tricky for the parents but they mostly have friends via common shared interest. There will be some girls in every area just sadly a lot get diagnosed later or not at all.

@Araminta1003 yes that’s exactly right. There isn’t anything like that at my dds currently school. She goes to a special area to eat her lunch but hasn’t found anyone to connect with, and no other autistic children with similar interests to her. I accept that some of that is just bad luck and another cohort could have been far more successful. We gave it the best chance and what felt like the best school, but for what has now transpired, I don’t think she’s getting enough out of it to merit the journey

I think you are right OP. Also the extra exhaustion from a long journey will likely hit an autistic child even harder
Good luck with the move.
I have several friends with autistic girls who don’t leave the house anymore at all and you are best staying ahead of it, if it isn’t working. Having said that one of my friends autistic DD has an online best friend and they bake in parallel, knit, sew and do a book club online together. Whatever you can find in terms of contact that works socially take it. Her mum is happy when she goes in the garden.
If your DD is doing clubs that is a great sign.

I can see how your DD must be struggling, many ND children have similar issues. And teens is a brutal age where you fit in or you get left out. Silver lining is - Atleast she’s not being bullied.
I have a ND DD and in your shoes I’d move for the following reasons:

• being closer means greater opportunities to engage with the school - extra clubs, competitions, volunteering etc. At some point, somewhere she might find a likeminded soul.
• you can engage more with the school which will mean you build relations with the school team, and lobby better for your daughters support
• greater chance of knowing families that use the school and opportunities for out of school mixing
• time, energy saving and reducing frustration of travel multiplied by the issues you are facing

I’m seeing fewer losses of leaving the current school. You say you have overthought (I’m in the same boat) the year7 decision and afraid to choose again; this time be led by your daughter and let her own the decision.

In my experience year 9 is when the ‘real’ friendships landed. My DD made no good friends in year 7,8 (ND too!) but excellent ones in year 9,10 (she had to learn to change her social skills and speak ‘right’ to fit in) and the group is going strong even though all are in different Unis.

hope the WL moves for you 🤞🏻

@Araminta1003 thank you so much for your help and reply. Hopefully we are not now stuck years on the waiting list! Next worry engaged!!!

@PlainSkyr thank you for such an insightful reply. And thank you for sharing your experience, which really gives me hope. Let’s hope that now the decision is almost made that I’m not on the waiting list indefinitely!

This really depends on the school/area. Some schools have a much higher turnover than others. At some schools, places rarely come up. At others, several every year do.

@scoopofmintchocchipicecream we do live in an area where a lot of people come for work and have noticed a high turnover in primary as parents get new jobs and move away. However, the school is a popular one and so it could be anything from next week to next year, which is tough mentally, but that’s life!

Have been told there’s quite a bit of mobility at the moment (around 8 + places a year) so am hopeful that this means we won’t be waiting too long. Things are escalating at the current school and dd just wants to go now