Should we move secondary’s?

[hydrangeasandroses]

Hi all, looking for advice on moving secondary’s.

DD is finishing year 7 and things haven’t gone the way she’d hoped. Extremely long story short, we didn’t pick her local school as she has some additional needs due to autism. She hasn’t got an ECHP and is scoring working well beyond across the board so is thriving academically. However, the support emotionally and socially that we were promised hasn’t really materialised. Ontop of this, she hasn’t made any friends. She has a few connections, but tends to just get picked up and put down as needed. The friend she started this school with soon dropped her and now is nasty to her frequently so this has been a sense of deep grief for her too.

All this said, we are going to put her on the waiting list at our local school and hope a place will materialise quite fast. Whilst it isn’t renowned for SEN or pastoral support (which is why we didn’t pick it) it is a 10 min walk from our house (I am currently doing 2 hours driving a day getting her to and from school) and she knows a few girls there (not really friends but people she texts now snd again). As she isn’t getting the Sen support anyway, I think we’re ready to give up on current school. We are not unhappy with the school and I think it’s better in lots of ways, but is it worth it?

DD is warming to the idea of moving now she’s looked through the website and there are some rules that would suit her better. But I think we both fear things would be worse and we’re scared of the change. We also know that there’s a high chance she wont find her tribe at new school either, but at least she would be close and able to walk and have some independence. Both schools are good academically speaking.

WWYD?

I’m sorry that the first year hasn’t worked out how you both hoped.

If she wants to move I would move her but I’d also apply for that ECHP too.

Does she do anything outside of school like Explorers? That might help her meet some local DC.

A lot of parents are too slow to move, then it gets too late.
If she's willing to try somewhere new, the bigger risk might be staying put.

DD attends clubs outside school and it’s the same story. Lots of connections, but no one wants her number or to be friends. We are not pinning our hopes on a new school being different but we are hoping that being close to home would bring advantages

@concertinacornflake you have hit the nail on the head. A part of me is searching for that reassurance that I’m not jumping the gun in moving her because she isn’t being bullied and isn’t in crisis or acute distress so feels like I’m over reacting. But she’d love a friend. And I’ve struggled knowing how isolated she is but being so far away from her

100% move her. Literally no point lumbering yourself with this long daily drive if she’s not happy there. Year 7 and 8 good time to move if you can get a place. I moved dd from a school that wasn’t working out in year 7 and it was absolutely the right thing to do.

I think you’re right too. If she’s willing to give it a go there is absolutely no point doing that commute daily. If she’s willing doesn’t make friends at her new school at least she’ll have more time to relax at home.

Was she promised extra support at the current school? Ask for a meeting with the senco to explore the options.

Yes the drive isn’t fab but if potentially she could get more support here and if she eventually has an EHCP (you can apply yourself Ipsea website as a parent you don’t need the school to apply) this current school might be best in the long run as it’s harder the older she gets / hormones etc.

Can she join some clubs at school? That way might have the same interests of people.

People can establish friendship circles and the longer you leave it / a place available she might feel more unhappy at the local school.

(I moved one of my children year 8 hated the school with a passion and was literally happy child over night it was quite shocking the dread that school did to my child. However the child wanted to move 100% to any school but not that one. So I’d take her feelings into account 100% and suck up the drive if she is on the fence as being ok is better than being totally miserable / unhappy)

@lotsofadminrubbish we’re not pursuing an EHCP right now and regardless, it would likely take years to get anything put in place. And actually, she doesn’t need much.

we have spent the whole year in after school clubs and trying to make friends etc. it just hasn’t happened. And whilst you are right that moving her to something awful is a risk, girls she knows are happy there. I think leaving her where she is is a risk too as she is currently being bullied by exclusion really. No she’s not being beaten up, but she is being kept around by girls but being completely excluded from socialising.

i think maybe the reason this decision feels so hard is that there really is an element of luck as they’re both fairly good schools, they just have different strengths and weaknesses. Hopefully we hear where we are on the list soon so we can think about it in less abstract terms!

In my experience, even if children are unhappy, they're often very reluctant to move schools because the thought of being in a new place with new people and new rules is so overwhelming.
I think if she's happy with the idea, that probably tells you she's more unhappy at this school than she's maybe showing. I'd move her.
You may find she'll find it easier to make friends now she's had a year to grow up a bit too. Autistic children can feel 'young' for their age and take longer to adapt to the new expectations at secondary.

Thanks @CheerfulMuddler. initially she was extremely reluctant to move, despite our gentle encouragement that it might be time for a fresh start closer to home. However, having processed it and thought about what life might be like closer, even if she is on her own, she’s now really keen on the idea. I’ve had confirmation that she’s second on the list, so it could be a while to wait and see how things develop regardless

Have done a deep dive on the local Facebook page this morning and the local opinion is still very much that the pastoral and learning support is terrible at the local school 😞 just feel surrounded by bad options and am beginning to feel so burnt out. Maybe we are just best off staying where she is. I feel completely paralysed by this decision.

It's so hard when you know your DC aren't happy isn't it? I used to think the baby/toddler years were the hardest!
My DS has autism too. He's in Yr11 now and is finishing his GCSEs. A few things jumped out to me in your posts.

Firstly, I would say - if you decide to go for an EHCP at some point, don't get fobbed off by the school/LA claiming that she's too academically able to get one. My DS is predicted mainly 8's/9's in his GCSEs. I know DC at Grammar schools with EHCPs. They are designed to support for all kinds of barriers to learning but also for social, emotional difficulties too.

I was told by the school SENCO that my DS would never get an EHCP as he's too able so I applied myself and he was granted one.

You are correct in that it could take a long time though - if you have to appeal refusal to assess and to issue you could be looking at two years. That would be in time for KS4 though.

You say that 'the support emotionally and socially that we were promised hasn’t really materialised' - sadly, again, without an EHCP that is likely to be the case at most schools. Schools are overwhelmed with students needing support and being brutal, if your DD is a 'quiet, good' student, there's a good chance she's going to get overlooked.

The other thing about applying for an EHCP means that she will have a needs assessment and will be seen by an EP, a SALT and an OT who can help to identify her difficulties and make recommendations. (Not just academically but also it covers things like making friends, helping to hold conversations etc.)

Moving schools and hoping things will organically get better is unlikely. However from your perspective, how realistic is it to be driving 2 hours a day for the next four years? (I've been having to take DS in for 8am during his GCSES so that's something to bear in mind.)

Have you met with the Senco at DD's school? Even though your DD doesn't have an EHCP, they do have a duty to support SEN. Are there lunchtime clubs she can go to? Even if she doesn't make actual 'friends' there at least it's something to do.
Could she become a library monitor?

I would also say in terms of Facebook posts, like all reviews it's most likely to be a handful of people who have the strongest opinions. I would try and make an appointment with that school's Senco too and see if you can look around the school for yourself.

If you're on the waiting list, you could be waiting a while anyway. You've done all you can for the time being so it's a case of waiting it out at current school and making the decision when the place is offered, no point burning yourself out on that one x
With regard to current school, make an appointment with the Senco and see what can be put in place even if it's only interim support (no need to say she's going as the schools will likely have communicated already) if no EHCP, does she have an IEP (individual education plan) which might be able to put things like nurture group or buddy system in place?

@Toomanyminifigs @Lightuptheroom thank you so much for your replies. You make some good points.

i have spoken to her tutor and support worker regarding her social issues but they haven’t done anything at all. They say she is always with one girl, which is true, but that’s my DD chasing the girl around whilst she excluded from any socialising outside of school, which is what my daughter is desperate for. I chose them because they were a large school with a big learning support area, however, the way they have talked to me recently they are insinuating that they don’t know what to do. Surely she can’t be the first child struggling socially but that’s what I’ve felt like.

she already has some connections in the local school which could maybe be built upon.

I think for now I am just going to wait it out. If she is offered a place, presumably I can liaise with the send team at the local school and feel them out.

with regards to an EHCP, I thought that they were not going to be in place any longer for children in mainstream education? I appreciate it hasn’t quite started yet, but felt like the application process would be a waste of time. Is this not the case?!

Certainly the EHCP system is changing and things are beginning to move in a direction that suggests they will call 'ehcps' the highest level of support. Its worth contacting your local authority
Send teams (often called slightly different acronyms) to see how they are changing things as most of it hasn't been implemented yet.
With regard to socialising ... it sounds like it's more outside of school friendships rather than actual school based problems? Which, regardless of which school she's in, it might be worth looking at local scout or guide groups, music groups etc depending on what her interests are? My ds (now adult) never actually had friends 'at school' but had a thriving social group of fellow kids who were very interested in heritage railways so the school day was just a means to an end for him. He used to do things like librarian at school so that he didn't have to be around others!

How on earth can you cope with 2 hour drives to get her to the current school, if it is not offering any support? Being 10 minutes from home is going to be much easier for everyone and I would say it is worth the risk especially if it is also a school at the same academic level. The only real risk is that friends don't work out but they haven't at the current school so it's neutral.

@Lightuptheroom she’s in clubs and has been and again, gets on ok whilst she’s there, but no one wants to see or speak to her outside of it or doesn’t include her in gatherings. She’s very sweet and kind but a real rule follower and not interested in drama or gossip so I don’t think she appeals to many girls her age. We are absolutely realistic that these same issues may persist at new school, but if that’s the experience either way, might as well be closer to home!!

100% move her. We had a very similar situation to yours with a DD that sounds like yours. We have just moved her (year10) and she is so much happier. I wish we had done it sooner but didn’t for various reasons.

@baddayformeredith thanks for commenting. It’s good to hear firsthand experiences.

@rellylivesthere it isn’t 2 hours to get her there, it’s around 35 mins. But obviously I’m doing that there and back, twice a day. Something I would have been happy to continue doing if she was thriving. But your point is a good one and what we’re thinking. If her experience is going to be the same regardless, why not be close!

The SEN white paper hasn't become law yet and may be subject to change/amendments anyway as there's a lot of anger about the proposals. I would say this is even more reason to put in an application as soon as possible.

In my DS's EHCP for example, he attends a weekly small group with a SALT working on conversation skills, turn taking, etc. He also has access to an ELSA once a week where he can talk through his worries. The SALT is lovely and she's tried to find other likeminded students for him to work with.
My DS has a different profile to your DD though in that he doesn't actually want friends! He's very dismissive of his peers.
I'm just giving you an example of what can be included in an EHCP. As it's a legally binding document, you have more 'power' to hold the school and LA to account.

That aside, the school should be doing more to support your DD. As you say, she can't be the first student they've had who has struggled with social issues! I've just seen your update about her personality which I was going to ask about. It's very common for DC with ASD to be 'young' for their age - and for friendship difficulties to become more of an issue as NT kids hit puberty.

My DS is a real rule-follower too. He reminds teachers if they've forgotten to set homework so you can imagine how popular that makes him!

Could you visit the local school with her and see if she likes the atmosphere?

If she can walk to the local school will there be
more chance of seeing other girls after school and at the weekend? It's hard when your social life depends on getting lifts from parents!

@Toomanyminifigs ha! Yes I would agree that in some ways she is young for her age, and in others, far more mature than her peers. It’s a tricky place for her to exist. We have so many comments along the lines of ‘she doesn’t seem very autistic to me’ etc and her academic excellence is a constant barrier to us being able to emphasise the issues. It’s a real ‘she’s fine in school though’ situation.

@rellylivesthere yes, we will definitely visit when we are offered a place. We know the school well and have looked around it before (and it’s probably where my youngest will go!) but we will ensure a meeting with the SENDCo