School anxiety/attendance issues — what support did you wish existed for KS3?

[NotInSchool]

Hi all — I’m UK-based and I’m researching a small project for Year 8 / KS3 pupils who can’t face school right now (anxiety, burnout, health, attendance struggles).

I’m not trying to replace school and I’m not selling tutoring. I’m trying to figure out what would genuinely help families on the hard days without parents becoming the teacher.

If you’ve been through this, could you tell me:

1. What was the hardest part at home — routine, confidence, motivation, or work being too much?
2. What support did school or anyone else offer that was actually useful (if any)?
3. If something existed that was “low-pressure continuity” (10 minutes, calm, achievable), what would it need to include to be worth using?

If you reply, I’ll summarise what I learn back into the thread

Quick extra bit of context
I’m aiming at Year 8 and the idea is tiny, calm sessions for the days when school just isn’t happening — not a full curriculum, not “parents teach”, and not pressure.

If you’re comfortable sharing, what did you find was the real blocker?
1) Can’t start (panic/avoidance) or 2) Can’t sustain (fatigue/overwhelm)?
Even one line helps.

Realising my OP might be too “essay-y” to reply to — if anyone’s been through KS3/Year 8 attendance issues, could you answer just one of these (one word is fine):
A) can’t start (panic/avoidance)
B) can’t sustain (fatigue/overwhelm)

And if you’ve got 5 more seconds: what helped most? routine / confidence / motivation / clearer work / less pressure

No links, not selling — just trying to build something that actually helps.

I’d be really interested to find out more about what you’re working on.

The main problems for my child are panic/avoidance, particularly after a bad night’s sleep. Flexibility from the school helps.

Thank you — that’s really helpful (and very familiar: bad sleep → panic/avoidance → the whole day derails).

What I’m working on is NotInSchool: an offline-first, low-pressure Year 8 (KS3) continuity tool for the days when school just isn’t happening. It’s not a school replacement, not tutoring, not therapy — more like tiny “keep learning ticking over” sessions designed for low-energy days, so everything doesn’t feel like it’s fallen off a cliff.

If you’re happy to share, can I ask two quick specifics (one-liners are fine):

1. On those bad-sleep days, does anything help them start (e.g., 5 minutes, choice, no timer), or is it “no learning at all until calm”?
2. When you say flexibility from school helps — what kind? (later start, reduced timetable, partial attendance, quiet base, work chunked differently, no sanctions?)

If you’d like, I can DM you the link to the page so you can see the exact angle — no pressure.

I’m not sure quite where you are going with this.

my dd was out of school for a while for health reasons and severe pain was usually the reason.

i’m not sure what you would have to offer as mostly she needed major drugs and sleep.

This reads like AI.

That makes complete sense — and I’m really sorry your dd went through that. If someone’s in severe pain and needs heavy meds and sleep, then honestly learning isn’t the goal in that moment.

What I’m looking at isn’t “push work at a child who’s unwell”. It’s for the other chunks of time families often get with chronic illness / recovery / variable health — the days when they’re not well enough for school, but they might manage something tiny without it wiping them out.

Think: optional 5–10 minute continuity (very low pressure, stop-anytime), so that when they’re able to re-engage, it doesn’t feel like falling back into a cliff-edge of missed learning. If they can’t do it, they don’t do it — no guilt, no targets.

If you don’t mind me asking (and feel free to ignore): when your dd was having a better spell, was there anything that helped her re-connect with learning — even listening to an audio explanation, a short video, or just a “what have I missed” summary? Or was it simply too unpredictable to plan around?

In year 8 mine couldn't (and still can't in year 10) do anything at home that resembled school/formal learning - caused panic attacks and extreme anxiety.
The only things we could do were either creative (baking, making/painting Warhammer figures, painting etc) or physical (walks, the gym etc).
Occasionally could be persuaded to do things like Wordle or other quiz style activities. But the mere mention of 'learning' would provoke too much anxiety for him to engage.

100%

Well, she was doing four a levels at the time (so not ks3) but when she had the energy she’d read the textbook and do some questions from it.

maths, physics, computer science and further maths were her a levels.

her school had a subscription to integral which is an online platform for a level maths and further maths.

eventually she moved to online school as she just couldn’t get to in person

We went through this but quite a while ago. The early days were hard, but it was in lockdown, so in a way easier. Id say the first part is getting them to engage in anything at all. Things that interest them. Especially if with someone outside the family. I think once that was going the interest in learning returned. Though I seem to remember us parents doing projects that were educational. Eventually I contacted school and said we are ready, and school engaged an online tutor, just one subject at first, then gradually more were added. Slow slow steps.

Just adding only thing camhs ever did that was useful was music therapy. It really helped. Then we were lucky to have a chap who met him to fly model planes, build planes, painting, anything really. That's why I say engaging in anything helps.

I work in an EBSA setting for secondary students and for our students, the only thing that consistently works is building a relationship. We visit their homes, sometimes only for a couple of minutes, sometimes only to the front door, sometimes for months. Or longer.

By the time they're referred to us, academic learning often feels quite frightening; they know they've missed lots and doing a tiny something feels pointless. Once we've built some semblance of a relationship we might chat, do colouring in, maybe some cooking, play Uno or whatever feels manageable. Going for a walk around the block, for a coffee, to feed the ducks, to the cinema or other non-academic activities tend to be our next step. I can count on one hand the number of students who come to us in a state that means they're able to access anything that looks even slightly school-like.

This is incredibly helpful — thank you. And it matches what I keep hearing: by the time families hit this point, anything “school-like” can feel threatening, and “tiny learning” can feel pointless because the gap feels huge.

I’m trying to design NotInSchool so it respects that sequence rather than fighting it — i.e. relationship/safety first, then manageable engagement, then academic when the child is ready.

Can I ask one practical question from your experience: what’s the first “school-adjacent” step that tends to be tolerated once there’s some relationship?
(e.g. a quick “choice” activity, a curiosity prompt, a short audio explanation, a game-like quiz, a “today’s win” check-in, etc.)

And if you’re willing, I’d genuinely value a 10-minute sanity-check chat at some point — even just a few bullet points on what to avoid so it doesn’t feel school-y.

This is really helpful — thank you. The “slow slow steps” and “anything that interests them first” point is exactly what I’m trying to respect.

Quick question: when you say school bringing in an online tutor worked best starting with one subject — what made that tolerable?
Was it the relationship with the tutor, the fact it was interest-led, the low time commitment, or that it didn’t feel like “proper school”?

(I’m trying to bake that ramp back in feeling into the design.)

Thank you — that’s really useful, even though it was A-levels. It tells me that when the energy is there, what works is clear structure + self-paced questions (and something like Integral for maths).

Quick question: on the “better spell” days, was the biggest barrier knowing what to do first or stopping before it wiped her out?
(I’m trying to design it so it’s obvious where to start and easy to stop without feeling you’ve failed.)

Chat gpt, is that you?

Why have you written everything with AI?

Nineandahalf & Sandysandytoes. Fair question - I’m a real person, not a bot. I did use AI to help draft/structure the post because I’m trying to describe the idea clearly without writing an essay, but the project itself is mine and I’m here reading and replying as me.

I’m using this thread to learn from parents/teachers so I don’t build something that looks polished but misses the point. If the wording came across a bit “AI-ish”, that’s on me.

If you’re willing to answer one quick thing (even one word): for KS3 absence/school anxiety situations, is the main issue more can’t start or can’t sustain?

Although this was KS4 it may be useful OP. My autistic DD found going back to school after Covid very hard. This then turned into EBSA, which I wanted to address asap before it became an entrenched routine. We worked with the school that she would be on site and they provided a quiet workstation away from class she could go to when needed. This took the pressure off. DD loved learning (still does - went to uni) so the work wasn’t the issue, the environment was. Anxiety was high - she was on medication and in (private) therapy to support. CAHMS had nothing available to help, hence us paying for it.
She thrived in a small group setting with consistent adult relationships that built trust and who believed in her. Uni was the making of her though, growing in confidence, because she could be more in control. And of course what she studied was a special interest, so motivation wasn’t an issue.

People will probably disagree but there also needs to be a structure to encourage them back in when appropriate.

My dd has high anxiety, clinically diagnosed when she was 9 or 10yo. But she also knew how to use that when she didn't want to do anything. For years she got out of anything that was vaguely difficult to her or she didn't want to do - including her year 11 mocks, which as she was covid year that wasn't the most helpful thing ever.
Yes, there were times that her anxiety was overwhelming and having a safe place to go was a blessing. But it was always on her terms what she did and she knew it. There were times when she hadn't revised for a test/didn't like what the class was doing/didn't like the teacher/didn't want to do anything that she would present herself as anxiety playing up and that would be it. She could sit nicely eating sweets (sugar helped migraine prevention for her) and choose when she went back, or they called me to pick her up.

This meant that she had a bit of a baptism by fire at uni when she found that sometimes even she had to do things that she wasn't keen on. She then had to quickly develop techniques that she should have learnt years previously.
She will admit now that she used the system and it would have been better if it hadn't been so easy for her to just opt out. She sees that there were things she looked at, decided were too hard for her, and she just avoided for years. She's since had to learn them, and realised that if she had had encouragement to do them six years ago, then she'd have quite enjoyed them and it would have been easier learning them with her peers rather than starting behind everyone else.

Yes, I did speak to the school and say that I thought she was trying it on at times and ask them to encourage her to join in, but they felt their hands were tied.

When my child is not in school their self esteem is very low. We’ve tried tracking ‘wins’ etc but that makes them feel worse because it reminds them of what they can’t do and how different they are to their friends

That’s really helpful (and I’m sorry — it’s such a grim feeling when “helpful” strategies make things worse).

The point about tracking “wins” turning into a reminder of difference is exactly the kind of thing I need to design around — more private/low-key and less “look what you can’t do”.

If you’re willing to answer one small question: what didn’t feel awful on those days — something quiet and neutral like listening to an explanation, a tiny puzzle, or doing something interest-led that didn’t scream “school”?

(No pressure to reply — I really appreciate you sharing that.)

Thank you — this is hugely helpful. The “work wasn’t the issue, the environment was” point really stands out, and the quiet workstation/safe base sounds like it made re-entry possible.

Quick question (one line answer is fine): if there’d been something usable at home, what would have helped most —
(1) a “quiet base” style routine (calm check-in + tiny manageable task), or
(2) a way to keep confidence up without feeling “behind”, or
(3) a way to coordinate with school so the steps back in felt structured?

I don’t think you’ll be alone in that view at all — the balance between compassion and accidentally making avoidance easier is really hard, and schools often end up stuck with blunt options.

What I’m trying to explore is a “ramp back in” that’s supportive but not endless opt-out: tiny steps, clear next step, and a sense of progress without pressure.

If you’re happy to share one thing: what would you have wanted the school to do differently — more consistent boundaries, a clearer reintegration plan, or less ‘everything on her terms’? (Or something else?)