Friendship wobble after secondary places – normal?

[Justaparentxx]

End of Y6 and emotions clearly running high. We’re currently at a state primary and DD is moving to an independent school in September. It’s a big financial stretch for us, but felt right for our family.
A mum I was friendly with (her DD is going to the local co-ed) has noticeably pulled away since places were confirmed. No argument, just distance.
I’m genuinely puzzled and a bit sad. Has anyone else found friendships shifting at this stage? Is this just transfer-season sensitivity?
Not looking to stir anything – just trying to understand.

Yes this happens a lot sadly. Dd went to a different high school to most of her y6 class and she was definitely ostracised once that was established. Nothing you can do. A lot of mums will only put energy into friendships with other mums if it benefits their kids long term. There will be a bit of jealousy thrown in if you’re going private school route as well

Are you actually friends or are you just "friendly" because your DC are friends/in the same class?

If you were friends I'm surprised this has not come up before, so I suspect it might be the latter?

Basically you are saying "the local school is not good enough for my DC" and she's unlikely to see you much in the future, so not interested in investing more in your company.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some judgment around the private school. A feeling of you thinking that the options available to their children are not good enough for your child. I’m not saying this is right by the way just that it wouldn’t be uncommon.

It might have been like this even if you'd chosen a different state school.

Mum friends can be situational, just like work friends.

A lot of school gate friends are transitory friendships and what keeps the friendship going is the shared interest and experience of child attending the same school. Once the kids aren't at school together anymore what you had in common fades somewhat. I don't think there is anything wrong in recognising a friendship has run it's course a bit.

I had what I thought was a genuine friendship with one of the school mums and our dc were best friends. We moved house to get into a catchment of an outstanding secondary school but in reality it was only a mile away and we didn’t move any of our dc schooling, it was just to aid the secondary application process. However as soon as we moved she really cooled the friendship and I noticed she stopped inviting my dc to stuff.

It was all very odd but essentially I think she felt that as the dc weren’t going to the same secondary she no longer had to invest in either our friendship or the kids. Bit sad really as I felt both could have endured, we were only a mile down the road.

She’s probably just thinking that your daughters may drift apart once they are in different schools, so is not making as much of an effort any more.

Thank you everyone for sharing your views. It’s really sad to realise this is much more common than I knew. I also thought it was a genuine friendship that survives school changes, etc.
I really appreciate all the honesty and perspectives. It’s given me a lot to think about.

a big reason people choose private schools is to get their kids more wealthy and better connected friends. So she may very well feel that it’s you who initiated the distancing, not her. If you had wanted to stay friends with her there are very easily things you could have done to signal that.

Some will do it to protect their children from friends who are going to ‘better’ schools. Year 6 kids compare notes a lot. We had to endure a lot of bragging by those going private. They are likely to grow apart now anyway

I’m a Yr6 LSA. This is very normal.
Children start to focus on the classmates who are going to the same secondary school as them.
Every year we see friendships change and new ones form after secondary school allocations are out.
10 and 11 year olds are very egocentric and want a friendship group to support and surround them when they go up to a new and scary secondary school. Parents often help to consolidate the new friendships by arranging play dates, as they are obviously also wanting their child to go up to secondary with a solid group of friends for support.

We were warned about this by the Y6 teachers but it never happened with our class. My DD got into a highly sort after school and friendships continued throughout Y6. She's still friends with them now.

I doubt she was ostracised. It would just be a case of pupils wanting to consolidate friendships with other children going to the same secondary.
10 and 11 year olds would have naturally been anxious about secondary and looking to make friends to go up with them. That might result in other friendships being put on the back burner.

Surely 10 and 11 year olds no longer need "pay dates" and are independent enough to get themselves to school without being ferried around like parcels. I got myself to school from age 7 and I dont ever recall my mother being a school mum or invested in my friendships.

Absolutely normal in my experience. People naturally shift to focusing on children they will encounter next year. It’s sad but inevitable.

Were you there?

I got the impression the OP was talking about the mum friendship, not the child friendship.

It’s been two days since offer day, how has she ignored you already? Were you texting daily before? Maybe she’s busy?

I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with your DC going to a private school, it's always happened. I passed the 11+ in the 1960s and hardly ever saw my friends from primary school again

I thought that then realised the private school offer could have been 3-4 weeks ago

@Justaparentxx you may have made innocent comments that others find annoying / offensive. Friends that I had / have certainly did…
Your child needs stretching, the facilities are better, your child needs smaller classes, behaviour is better etc etc
which can come across as not something others would want

If it was a genuine friendship than maybe try to salvage it?

But was it? Did you see each other separately (not with your children)? Did you have interests in common that weren't related to your children? What's been her attitude up to now when you've talked about applying to the private school?

It's of course common to have "situational" friends (e.g. work friends who you never see again once one of your leave the company), but it's sad if you thought you were friends beyond being thrown together because of your children.

Years ago this happened to me but the other way around. My eldest DD was in a small private primary school and we got the call from the local primary school to say she’d finally got a place. We moved her across because we couldn’t actually afford the private school. One of the mums I was very close with at the private school never spoke to me again. Literally cut all contact like I was dead to her. I suppose she saw me as lowering my standards. Fast forward to this September and one of my other children was starting at the local high school and I bumped into her again as her child had started at the sixth form there. So she’d lowered her standards too!! Or did the private to state switch to get into university… anyway my point is primary school mum friendships can be the best friendships of your life (my mum and my best friend’s mum are still besties in their 70s and met at the school gates), but they can also be fickle and make you feel like you’re 8 again.

School places only came out on Monday! How much contact were you in to feel this by Thursday? It may well be that she’s just having a busy few days?!

I think it’s possible you’re over reacting as it’s not been that long. But also it’s pretty unusual to have parent friends like this in high school. It’s not like you’d go along when the kids hang out so there’s not much need to be friendly with your child’s friends’ parents. So it could just be the end of an era.

My daughter’s former bestie went private for high school and the girls have drifted apart. I was friendly with the mum (like we’d have a coffee while the girls were playing when they were little) but after a few rounds of hearing about how much better the private school was, how it was so important for her daughter to have better facilities, how she just couldn’t picture her daughter going to the local state school… I just stepped away. Of course everyone has control over their own lives but I didn’t need to hear the endless judgement about my choices.