Friendship wobble after secondary places – normal?

[Justaparentxx]

End of Y6 and emotions clearly running high. We’re currently at a state primary and DD is moving to an independent school in September. It’s a big financial stretch for us, but felt right for our family.
A mum I was friendly with (her DD is going to the local co-ed) has noticeably pulled away since places were confirmed. No argument, just distance.
I’m genuinely puzzled and a bit sad. Has anyone else found friendships shifting at this stage? Is this just transfer-season sensitivity?
Not looking to stir anything – just trying to understand.

Pretty much exactly what happened to cuttinganotheronion. Contact was basically cut off overnight. Before that we were in touch almost daily, and the day the school offers came out in early Feb ended up being the last time we exchanged messages.
I knew from previous conversations that she wasn’t keen on my idea of trying for a selective indie, even though her older children had gone to them in the past, so I generally tried to avoid the topic. Still, it’s possible I offended her unintentionally.
The kids are still good friends and there haven’t been any issues there.
We actually ran into each other in the street about a week ago and exchanged a few polite words, but it felt a bit awkward, almost like talking to a stranger. I did try my best to be friendly but it didn’t really go anywhere.

I think this is pretty inevitable - friendships in high school are up to the kids, and it's not particularly likely that they'll continue being really close. Not impossible, but unlikely. And I'm guessing if she's a bit sensitive about it, you might have said something that could have been hurtful. Unless you regularly spent time together without the kids and without talking only about the kids, this friendship was situational and you should be pleased you're staying cordial. Leave the future to the kids to figure out.

@PurpleThistle7 that’s what I got from more than one parent going private. Money aside I really wanted mine to go local as I hated being at a non local school when I was a teen (still a comp but church school). Our local comp is good albeit can’t compare with extra curricular offer you get for £20k a year. I think it’s good to have to navigate all aspects of a big school for resilience etc
I had several other parents make comments on why their child just had to be in private. Even as bad as ‘well it would have been ok if there had to go to X High but we are relieved they don’t have to’
There was a divide in Yr6 too by the end. I’m still friends with a couple but the rest not

I knew from previous conversations that she wasn’t keen on my idea of trying for a selective indie, even though her older children had gone to them in the past, so I generally tried to avoid the topic.

'Not keen' as in, her older DC had a terrible time, she's tried to put you off choosing this type of school for your DD, but as you've clearly ignored her advice, she's washed her hands of you'? Or 'having to big up the state options for this child, as they can't afford to send her to an indie'?

I mean, possibly neither, obviously, but it seems odd that your impression from your conversations is that she wasn't keen on you making a particular choice for your own DC (as opposed to just something along the lines of, 'been there, done that, we've decided not to do it again for this one').

Would her DD have been likely to get a place at the selective school, had she tried?

Unfortunately this happens at year 6 but usually towards after they finish school. I had a group of mum friends at primary and I was admin on the year 6 Facebook group. We all went out just before the summer holidays for a night out thinking we would all still be in touch.
I actually said I would keep the Facebook group so we could all keep in touch and see how all the kids were getting on in their new schools.
September of year 7 there were photos of them in new uniforms posted.
Then silence nothing. People whose child went to a different school to mine deleted me as a friend on FB but stayed on group.
In year 8 I deleted the group. We are all now in year 11 and about to do GCSEs and sometimes I think I wonder what XYZ are doing for their exams, post 16 plans but it was so long ago now its more me being nosey!
Yes OP it happens unfortunately x

“The local co-ed “ does sound dismissive. Ok it is a local school and educates boys and girls…but the phrases, the local comp, etc sound dismissive.

And the truth is you HAVE used your resources to choose a school you think will be better.

So who knows. Could be your attitude, could be envy, could be different beliefs.

Adults put so much energy and emotion into the secondary transfer process, it’s not going to settle in a completely neutral objective way.

It might also bd temporary. Keep being friendly yourself. Support your DC’s friendships.

We did not experience this much, but don't the children have 4 more months in school, including day and residential trips, various school events and end of school ceremonies planned? I can't understand why someone would pull away so quickly and obviously, if ever.
Basically that's teaching my child that friendships can only exist inside the same school. Of course after they go different paths, some become strangers and some still keep in touch, and that's life. But what a stupid thing show your child if that really was the reason.

Most school mums are not friends with all other school mums. So one more mum they are not friends with hardly makes any difference.

Realistically children do not stay friends with their primary school friends unless they go to the same secondary school, have an out of school activity in common, are near neighbours, or have parents who make a huge effort to facilitate it.

I actually think teaching your children that you don't have to stay friends with someone for ever is quite a positive thing to do. So many children move up to secondary school, their primary school friends move one, and they are distraught.

@redskyAtNigh that's a valid point! To know you don't need to stay friends if you didn't want it.
In my experience though DD keeping in touch with junior school friends was really beneficial for her as she worked through her new friendships in the new school. It took a while for her to feel she could truly be herself and her old friends was a comfort zone in itself. Naturally she no longer speaks much with those who do not share much common interest, but she still has sleepovers and hangs out with some of those who are still friends. Most will drift away with time but I'm happy to support whoever she wants to keep in touch with.