Agonising over this choice - move Year 8 DS to a different school??

[WildPatience]

Help me make this decision - finding it impossible!!
DS 13 is in Y8 is at a local comp. He's been offered a place at an Outstanding and highly sought-after school around a 40-minute (public transport) commute away because his sister is doing A-levels there. We applied thinking it would be a great idea and now not sure.

Current situation: He's quite academic and generally bored and frustrated in quite a few lessons due to disruption and generally poor teaching. It's not a terrible school but the majority of teachers are young and inexperienced (though a few are great). Science teaching seems abysmal - they can't attract and retain qualified teachers. Lots of teacher absence currently. Head is uninspiring and obsessed with petty rules. There's no sixth form. DS is never in trouble and gets good grades but does the minimum study/homework despite being a naturally curious child. He has a lovely group of friends, a couple of whom he has known since nursery. He can walk to school in 20 mins.

The other school is in a different area of London, where he would know no-one. It's very impressive and academic, with better extra-curriculars, trips etc. Exam results are way, way better and it has a sixth form. Due to its intake, almost all kids live very locally to the school.

He's quite reserved and self-contained and doesn't find it super easy to make friends. He also likes his sleep and would need to leave the house around 15 mins earlier each day. But he's ambitious and would probably enjoy the better teaching and learning environment.

I'm so anxious about his friendships in particular - the impact of probably losing local friends, and finding it hard to make friends. I don't know if it's worth the upheaval. If he stays he will probably do OK in GCSEs, though would do better if he moved.

We have to decide by tomorrow. What would you do??

He's had a tour. Didn't ask for a taster day as DH thought that would be ridiculous. Wish I had but I think too late now.

You definitely should have done a taster day. See if they will extend to Tuesday and have Tuesday be the taster day? It really is important to experience a school's normal way of working, the commute etc.

maybe, but it might put him off as the first day is always going to be really hard. He's tried the commute so know's that aspect.

100% I’d move him. I was almost exactly the same at his age, changed school midway through term where all the other kids had made friends/clicks, so it took me a little while to find my place, but I did.
I also had a similar commute in London on the train. The time passes quickly and it wasn’t as issue at all.
I then moved up north for boarding school a year after that so had to make a whole new group of friends and adjustments. But I did quickly.
13 is the perfect age for this, you’re more resilient than you think. If I had stayed at old school because I was worried about leaving my friends, I definitely wouldn’t have achieved as much as I did.
I think he’ll love it OP. More challenging and stimulation.
As you said, he can always come back.
Good luck!

Do more academic children do well regardless at current school? Does behaviour improve when children make option choices and in classes they want to be? Is school getting support? Eg, LA or Academy?
I say this as a parent who has had 2 children at a school that had a poor reputation that has improved over the years through Academy support. It is still in an area of high disadvantage and some parents still balk at sending children there. However, my 2 children got high gcse grades and made many friends. Also, being local, were able to be members of clubs etc.

If he doesn't make friends easily I wouldn't move him. I moved school when I was 12, never settled in and spent my teenage years very lost and lonely. Think about it again when he is going up to 6th form.

How do academic children do at his current school in terms of GCSE results?
I don't think that doing the minimum necessary whilst being happy and having a good group of friends is necessarily a huge issue in Year 8 - as long as the school is likely to be able to support him to get high grades at GCSE.

In terms of friends at the new school, there is a huge difference between going to a school where everyone travels from different directions and distances, and one where you are virtually the only child travelling with a local intake (which is what you say the school is). Are you prepared and able to do heavy lifting to make sure he doesn't miss out on friendships (including for example - spontaneous plans made after school)?

My parents moved me to a very academic school because they thought it was the best for me. Yes, I got very high results, but I never found my place socially and struggled with self confidence and self esteem for years which has hampered me as an adult. I would have rather been in a "lesser" school with friends and possibly got slightly lower results (I actually don't think I would have got lower results unless the teaching had been entirely awful at the alternative school) and been happier and more confident - and I think this would have been a better outcome long term.

You say that your academic DS is bored and frustrated in a crap school with poor teachers, rubbish results and lots of disruption but you want to keep him there because he'd have to get up 15 minutes earlier and also has friends at the school?

People say that an academic child will do well anywhere, but that's just not true. He may get to Y11 and still not have a science teacher. He may be taught maths by someone who can't do maths. He may not complete the correct coursework or finish the syllabus for his other subjects. They may stop teaching one of his options halfway through the course. These are all things that happen, and it could happen in several of his subjects. And then as his school doesn't have a sixth form, he'll be applying for sixth forms elsewhere and hoping that they understand why his results don't actually match what he's capable of, and please let him take A-levels?

Moving schools won't lose him his local friends. They're local, he can see them outside of school. He can make friends in his new school, and in Y8 there is plenty of time for this.

Reading my post i think I probably over-egged how bad his current school is. He moans a lot but there are several very good teachers and it is actually over-subscribed for Y7. However Science (his key interest) is largely bad and I really don't think the Head is good. Other parents seem reasonably happy with it. But we are leaning towards the move. As some of you have said, it's quite possibly reversible in the worse case scenario, but we won't get another shot and moving.

It’s a no brainer. Move him. And do the commute with him a couple of times so he gets used to it. You can also show him different options just in case there’s an issue with the transport. He can always call / video call if he’s unsure of something and it seems like he’ll be travelling with his sister in any case.

he can see local friends easily and you’ll facilitate new friendships by making sure he can travel to their homes. Or, as in my DC’s case, take him to Westfield or similar so they can go shopping / hang out together in a third space (not a house).

sounds like he’s already languishing where he is. You’re the parent and know what’s best for him. He can input into the decision but he’s 13 and unable to see the big picture. You can.

May be too late now but I wouldn’t move a reasonably happy child if he wants to stay and the school is decent enough. Friendships become the most important thing to them at that age and you’re going to make that exponentially harder for him. And for what? A pain of a commute, and to get out of a school you’ve admitted is okay. If it was a dire school, different story. He’s 13, he’ll probably moan about school anywhere he goes. Teacher retention and disruptive classes is a nationwide issue, it is likely to be the same anywhere. Of course the behaviour is better for your daughters classes than it was, she’s doing A levels so is in a cohort of bright kids who are choosing to be there. Likely a different story in KS3/4. The disruptive ones will have left now from your daughter’s cohort. A bright child will do okay exam-wise in a lot of schools, save the really dire ones. The most important thing now for him is the social side, as long as the school isn’t absolutely atrocious, that can’t be understated at this age.

I’ve been teaching for 5.5 years now and trust me, disruption, retention issues and poor teaching is an issue in the most leafy, middle class, highly regarded schools. And Science is one of the worst for it unfortunately, nobody wants to be a Science teacher.

Don’t uproot a settled child and make them “the new kid” without very good reason. I’ve seen so many kids be moved to a leafy, good comp and not cope at all/parents realise it’s no better, and now the kid is just struggling socially and unhappy to boot. Tale as old as time.

What did you end up doing? X

Decided to move him. He starts on Monday. He's so worried and I'm scared we've done the wrong thing but we've committed to giving it a go now.

Good luck to him. I hope he ends up okay socially and hopefully it turns out to be a good move for him.

It isn’t what I’d have done but it’s your decision as his parents at the end of the day. Lots of effort made to keep in touch with old friends AND make new ones will help. Hopefully he enjoys the lessons more too.

Move him. He can stay in touch with his local friends when gaming online.

Good luck. It'd be interesting to hear how he's doing in a few weeks.

Good luck - sounds like the right decision to me. I moved in y8 and wasn't a child who made friends that easily. It was the best thing for me and I found my crowd there - I'm sure that although I would have stayed with some friends at the other school, I would never have done so well academically or been as happy socially if I'd stayed.

We moved my son y8. My son was horrendous at getting up in the morning. New school and he is now getting up himself at 6.30, often in school early because he is really happy there.

Good luck- hope he gets on ok.

I think you've made the right decision. Older but I've just helped my son move for 6 form - bus ride now rather than a walk - and he's absolutely thriving. We moved for a bigger school with more A level choices.
Your son might not need to move for A levels now which is positive

I wanted to update as so many of your were kind enough to share your thoughts and advice. We moved him. It's been 2 weeks now. There have been ups and downs but he's been very resilient and I think is broadly pleased that he made the change. We said we'd give it to Easter and then review so I'm trying not to constantly ask him to evaluate if he's happy or not but he's talking about 'friends' and definitely feels the quality of teaching is better. One sadness that his closest friend from his old school seems to be keeping his distance and skipping their usual shared activity. Hopefully that might change.

That sounds very positive OP!

Thanks for the update! So glad he's doing well. Hopefully the friend will come round