Agonising over this choice - move Year 8 DS to a different school??

[WildPatience]

Help me make this decision - finding it impossible!!
DS 13 is in Y8 is at a local comp. He's been offered a place at an Outstanding and highly sought-after school around a 40-minute (public transport) commute away because his sister is doing A-levels there. We applied thinking it would be a great idea and now not sure.

Current situation: He's quite academic and generally bored and frustrated in quite a few lessons due to disruption and generally poor teaching. It's not a terrible school but the majority of teachers are young and inexperienced (though a few are great). Science teaching seems abysmal - they can't attract and retain qualified teachers. Lots of teacher absence currently. Head is uninspiring and obsessed with petty rules. There's no sixth form. DS is never in trouble and gets good grades but does the minimum study/homework despite being a naturally curious child. He has a lovely group of friends, a couple of whom he has known since nursery. He can walk to school in 20 mins.

The other school is in a different area of London, where he would know no-one. It's very impressive and academic, with better extra-curriculars, trips etc. Exam results are way, way better and it has a sixth form. Due to its intake, almost all kids live very locally to the school.

He's quite reserved and self-contained and doesn't find it super easy to make friends. He also likes his sleep and would need to leave the house around 15 mins earlier each day. But he's ambitious and would probably enjoy the better teaching and learning environment.

I'm so anxious about his friendships in particular - the impact of probably losing local friends, and finding it hard to make friends. I don't know if it's worth the upheaval. If he stays he will probably do OK in GCSEs, though would do better if he moved.

We have to decide by tomorrow. What would you do??

This is completely normal! And alone? In London?! Every train and bus has a zillion kids on!

OP- maybe you could mention the schools involved and people may have more information for you.

Exactly! And they’re all doing it from (some just turned) 11.

I would normally say not to move a happy child, but your DS doesn't sound especially happy in his current school. I would move him, but only if you are happy to spend a lot of time over the next few years supporting him to establish a new social life with friends who are not local.

But that’s the thing with London schools. All kids have friends who aren’t local, it’s really not like attending a little village school where all kids live within spitting distance. They manage perfectly well.

I know they do. I worked in London schools for years. I am saying that a reserved, shy child who hasn't previously been used to travelling around London independently will probably need some additional support to travel to see their new friends. Parents often assume that their focus needs to be entirely on school life but actually, once the child is used to the commute this routine will run quite happily. It's the social and extra-curricular stuff where a bit of extra support will go a long way. His peers will have gone through all this at the beginning of year 7 and he will need some support to catch up to the level of independence that they have probably already attained.

Really appreciate all your views. We haven't told the new potential school our decision yet as we had asked a few questions they are yet to get back to us on.

I do agree that he'd need support to see new friends who would live near the new school as it should be OK getting there and back in daylight but making his own way from an unfamiliar area in the evening is a different matter at this age.

Leaning towards moving him but still worrying if it's worth the upheaval when he might just not love the school system anywhere (despite being very bright and ambitious). On the other hand, his ambition might not survive almost 4 more years in his current school.

I think if you are still wavering and your son is not 100% committed either then in reality it should be a leave him where he is settled with friends. Let's be honest this is only happening because of his sister being there. If she wasn't then you would probably just let him stay and possibly move there for sixth form.

@WildPatience and that is what would worry me - that is the school system overall that he struggles with and having seen 3 schools (grammar outstanding and local comp) ALL of them have the issues you say it is the education system just at different levels.

I think you could be reducing some issues and increasing others and overall not actually get any net positive from it

I would move him, with no hesitation. If he is already bored and there’s already disruption in class that is not being properly dealt with, then it is only going to get worse as the kids get older.

Yes he might get the same grades at his current school, but nurturing a love of learning and enabling a child to follow their intellectual curiosity (which it sounds like the other school will do better than the current one), will put them in good stead for the rest of their life.

He doesn’t need to love the school system, op, that’s a complete irrelevancy; he needs to be at the best school available.

Best school available FOR HIM and that is what needs to be properly thought through and I think is the sticking point

if he can go back though it is worth giving it a try for this half term and take it from there

Currently in a similar pickle with my daughter. Her school is absolutely shit and doesn't support her autism needs. However her best friends are there and she struggles to make new ones. I really want to move her to a better school with more SEN expertise but I know it would ruin her mental health to be cast adrift with no friends. Some children absolutely thrive on novelty and it can be the making of them, but I know my daughter would just sink rather than swim. Only you know how your son would manage, if you don't feel he can make new friends then I wouldn't do it honestly.

Sure, but op is fairly clear that the current one isn’t.

Remember many kids change schools after y8 if going through prep/indie route. My son did that and went to a school where he didn't know anyone at y9. Finished uni now and still friends (and shares house with one) from the school he attended y9-13. Doesn't really see friends from previous school (other than those where I have retained friendships with their mums).

They are still at an age where they can move on and make new friends.

But there is no guarantee that the issues with class disruption and teaching isn’t going to be at the other school

DS is at a local comp and nearby is on paper a similar sounding school to the other that parents think is better but DD is at the sixth form and frankly it isn’t at all it has the same level of vaping/drugs/disruption going on as the others

@WildPatience what does your DD think in sixth form she should have an idea of what issues there are and whether it is going to actually be better on paper

I do have fairly good evidence that the other school doesn't have many issues with disruption and that teaching is more consistently at a higher standard. But again, not sure if the difference is enough to counteract the potential losses involved in moving. DD isn't loving the sixth form (a bit dull) but does say behaviour and teaching standards are generally good. So tricky!

Don't move him, happiness and local friends are more important than grades. He can go there for sixth form if he wants, like his sister

I’d keep him where he is, my son’s gone to a secondary school knowing hardly anyone and he’s really struggling. If he hasn’t got any friends and becomes anxious and upset over it he won’t learn anyway. It’s better to be happy than unhappy but in an academic school.

I think a good positive friendship group is hugely important at this age and its importance is often underestimated by parents. I say this as a secondary teacher of many years. It has such a massive impact. Therefore I’d probably leave him where he is.

Definitely move him. Speaking from experience! Don't overthink it. Loads of kids have long commutes, especially in rural areas, it's no biggie.
You will always have options to move again if it doesn't work out (i doubt that will be the case), but you won't have many other options if you stay and lose this place.

My daughter was the same. My daughter is in a less sought after school.
We were offered a ‘better’ school on paper, and we decided to accept it, sending her for just one day. She hated it! We sent her back to her old school on the same day. She also finds it a bit more challenging socially, and I'm really noticing the benefits of her staying at her old school. She's a very bright girl, and the cohort's academic average is much lower than her results, so the learning is definitely there for them. Sometimes there's disruption, but she said it was worse at the other school she was offered.
Our other daughter ended up attending the school the first daughter didn't like, which is quite funny. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. I listened to how she felt about it, and ultimately, if things did get tricky in either school, we would arrange some tutoring and a possible move if I was really concerned or make do until sixth form. My friend, who is a GP, said she meets many teenagers not in school because they hate it. So, if you have a teenager who is happy to go to school, that's what really matters because a happy child will want to learn wherever they are. So, trust your gut!

Ask the new school if your son can have a taster day and/or tour of the school. You may find he has a much clearer sense of where he wants to be once he's seen what it's actually like.

What did you decide, @WildPatience?

We now have until Monday to respond - still going back and forth on it!