Dd feeling mediocre at school

[Saskia11]

My DD has been crying last night as she didn’t get picked for her school play. She is more embarrassed I think as she told her friends she thought she got a part.

her friends all seem to excel in something- top sets or brilliant at sports. She hasn’t made the a team or choir or the production now. She dislikes playing an instrument. It doesn’t help her younger brother is in the a team for every sport at school and top sets.

I feel she needs to excel at something, but not sure what as most kids have been doing their ‘skill’ for a while now.

i have put her in an outside drama class, but they don’t do a production. And she has singing lessons and attends a football club- but she just trains with them, not yet good enough to play.

or how do your kids cope with being average- doing ok, but not near the top for anything academic or extra- curricular?

Aren't there opportunities for those who are "average"? I know my DC's school will find a role for everyone who wants to be in the school production - whether it is as a chorus member, or an extra or backstage. Maybe encourage her to join things for enjoyment rather than to be "the best"?

Yes I agree – I am sure the play will need people to help backstage – props, costumes, lighting, scenery? Any of those appeal? If you are good at backstage work and happy to do it, you will be very popular throughout school with the people putting on the plays.

What does she enjoy? I am surprised if she has singing lessons that she is not able to join the school choir tbh. My DCs' school choirs (various) were all very welcoming and I never heard of someone being refused a space. They were short of singers if anything. Is it a very competitive school?
What are her best subjects? My DS1 was not academic or sporty really, but he enjoyed food tech and we used to do a lot of practice on that. What year is she in? Has she chosen GCSEs yet?

Even if her drama club does not do productions there will be other local groups who do holiday/summer shows with an intensive rehearsal schedule. Agree showing interest in backstage, front of house or makeup etc would get her involved. Ime parts often go to those who hang around the drama staff.

You're naturally trying to assuage her emotions by finding something she excels at, but there are many, many people (the majority) are are just average and they learn to deal with it. They learn to try harder, without needing to 'win', to diversify, to be compassionate and reliable and capable.

The world runs on average people.

Instead of trying to change her attainment, perhaps you can work on her self esteem in ways that don't rely on external validation or excelling at anything.

Football is great for girls to stand out :) It just takes time but if she enjoys it it's definitely worth doing.

Yes I agree with this actually. If it’s boys, by the time they are 12/13, it’s the stronger ones who are making the team and those who are not so good tend to drop out. But for girls, there are usually fewer even playing the sport so there is more of a chance to play. Is there another team that she might be able join where she would get a game? even then she won't be the best – but that's fine, As a PP says, many many people will not be the best at anything.

She needs to find something she enjoys. I’m not very good at swimming, I am a reasonable medium-level swimmer at my pool. I enjoy it and it makes me feel happy and less stressed. I am getting better – and can measure that by various metrics. I’ll never be Katie Ledecky, All good.

I have emailed her form tutor to ask, thanks

I think she needs self belief in herself. She has been getting a lot of no’s recently, and yes I would love for her to get a yes. Think it would help her confidence immensely.

There is nothing wrong with being a plodder. Qualities like perseverance, hard work and loyalty etc matter as well.

Yes I teach her that and give examples like Micheal Jordan who was not selected for his a team at uni, but worked hard and made it later on.

she is very resilient, and will get back up, but it doesn’t mean she can’t have those sad feelings. I just wish she would get a yes, instead of all the no’s! Made worse by her brother always getting a yes for his sports.

Yes I teach her that and give examples like Micheal Jordan who was not selected for his a team at uni, but worked hard and made it later on.

The trouble is with that @Saskia11 - MJ was one of the top basketball players of all time. It is most likely that your DD will not be the top of anything. That sounds harsh but it's true of my DC too. It's true of most of us. DS was a very good club footy player at age 18 but he did not get into his uni team – he turned to another sport and did (does) very well. DD (grade 6 clarinet) will never play on stage at the RFH but she enjoys her weekly local wind band practice and occasional performances.

We all need to learn to deal with disappointment and look at what else we can do. She needs to do something where she will get a yes. I am still puzzled by the school choir refusing someone who is good enough to take singing lessons – but even then, there must be choirs outside school she could join and have fun at?

OP, I was like your dd, lower half in most things, hopeless at sport and music.

30 years later I'm the one with the career and the nice house. The class stars mostly didn't achieve much, they seemed to burn out early.

That’s more about resilience then she wil be the best footballer- her friend plays for 2 clubs plus her school club and she knows she won’t be as good as her, so she is aware. It was more to teach her to persevere and she will get better and may get to play a match!

she only did singing for the production- she doesn’t want to join the school choir. I have asked! She is happy to continue to do the online singing lessons but doesn’t want to do school choir.

I will just keep being positive. She didn’t get into grammar school when her friends did so she has already faced that and moved on.

I will ask her school what they suggest and how they can help. She is 12, so just feel it is too young to feel mediocre and accepting of that. I would want her to feel the best her she can be. Just much easier when they have something they are seen to be good at. Thanks

Ah OK, sorry, I thought you meant in your OP she was told no by the school choir.

I fully agree 12yo is so young to accept that you are mediocre; I also agree that she needs to see that what matters is being the best she can be. Like I say, I will never be a great swimmer, but I can get better,

Would she enjoy track and field? 12yo is not a bad time to start if she is any good at running. Or a running club? That's an area you can really see progress as your times improve. ParkRun is a great way to start and very supportive.

I think maybe you don't see how much of the pressure is coming from you. I think you need to try to teach her that she has intrinsic value, not linked to achievement. She doesn't need to excel at anything and measuring yourself through seeking external validation is miserable. Perhaps shift your own mindset? How about just communicating how much you like her and think she's great as-is?

You can't just say you feel she needs to excel in something. For what reason?

It should surely be something she enjoys and if she doesn't excel then so what, she's good or adequate at it and is improving and learning.

You shouldn't set such high standards. People have personal bests and individual quirks and shouldn't be compared so closely to others in terms of competition or 'skills'.

There will always be people in her life who do certain things better and you're letting her down by honouring these comparisons. Could also be an issue where neither of you are seeing the work that goes on behind the scenes to get into the productions/teams/top sets etc.

Could she learn to draw/paint/design clothes/take professional photos? Fewer opportunities for rejection and something she can work at under her own steam. Look up the 100 hour rule and get her to track the time she puts into a given activity, she will then feel more in control of her improvements and general confidence

There are a million and one different things she could do which she could practice at and see improvement in over time - self directed, without the need to be appointed by an external party like being picked for a team. You could look at anything from hobbies to sports to practical life skills - like learning how to crochet and make little toys or blankets, or baking cakes, or learning how to code and do basic computer programming, or rollerblading, or crafting cosplay clothes and props, or gardening, or making fancy nail varnish designs for her and her friends. That all gives her scope to work from being a beginner, spending time focusing on something and getting better at it.

This. And she should shift her mindset to enjoyment. What do I want to do that I enjoy just because of the prices of doing it, regardless of whether I achieve/excel at it or not?

I always see this type of response and I must say I think it’s mostly bias that makes people think that. I know plenty of kids who were stars who have gone on to do incredible things. Being average doesn’t mean you will excel and being top doesn’t mean you burned bright too early. So it’s nonsense to mollify people with this.

yeh I totally agree. I know plenty of people who were bright/sporty/musical when they were young who now do amazing things in that line.

It”s probably not the case that the OP's DD, or indeed most of us, will go on to become Michael Jordan (that;'s why I thought that was a dangerous example) or David Beckham, or Bill Gates or Mondo Duplantis. Doesn;'t mean there is no point practising and doing better at pole vault tho.

I agree with others who say that to talk about your DD needing to excel is not the best way @Saskia11. You can be happy and feel useful and valuable without excelling at anything. Just as well actually as most of us don't.

Is she disappointed because she really wanted to perform, or because she wasn't chosen?
I'm concerned that she's choosing hobbies for the wrong reason. She should be choosing activities because she loves doing them. (And if she loves performing in plays then she needs to be in a local drama group that actually puts on performances). But then if she likes singing and performing, why doesn't she want to be in the school choir? Online singing lessons sound really a bit depressing.

She needs to choose hobbies for enjoyment, doesnt sound like she is doing this? Doesnt need to exceed to do well in life, living life like that will just end up in disappointment.

I agree and disagree here.

I'm not sure she's wanting to excel, as far as I can tell. Different if the OP says she only went for the best part and told the teacher she wasn't interested if it wasn't that one.

But I agree totally about the "excel" to "enjoyment".
Dd2 played the trumpet to grade 8, toured with a local band, and joined her university band which was competing at a high level.
It was only ever about enjoyment for her. As long as she could have fun with her friends, she didn't care who was better than her.

I have a friend whose dc started playing the clarinet. At age 10 she passed her grade one and they proclaimed her a musical genius. Child was talking about her future career in music etc. Aged 12 she was devastated at not getting into her school orchestra. Anyway, they got her into a local group, and was upset that she wasn't the best, so gave that up.
And they tried another group, and again, gave up for the same reason.
She gave up playing. The reason given was that "school had knocked the confidence out of her by not acknowledging how good she was".
Thing was, if she hadn't gone in thinking she was something extraordinary, then she wouldn't have minded that others were better.

OP, see if you can find local groups that use juniors. Get yourself a chaperone's licence, and then you'll be popular there too. Look for ones that don't have an audition process, and encourage her to have fun in the chorus. Let her have a couple of years just learning to enjoy the group.

I will try more to comment on her effort thanks

Well done for trying to support your daughter!

I agree with many posts which suggest focusing on enjoyment rather than achievement. Frankly I think there’s too much emphasis on extracurricular achievements. Most people will end up joining a local sport club or music group or similar as a hobby. At point it makes almost no difference if you are an A team or D team or none at all as long as you have some sort of healthy lifestyle.

I wonder if the school has different levels of activities that your daughter can explore. For example, it might not be the top orchestra or choir in school but lower key groups that she can be proud of and also improve her skills. Or likewise development teams in sports or smaller production groups. Good luck.