Struggling with secondary transition - advice please

[cherryberriesonacloud]

Hello

Sorry for rather rambling message but wanted to paint the picture.

DS started at secondary a few weeks ago - he enjoyed the first few days but since then has been fairly miserable - anxious/having panic attacks at bedtime and generally struggling with the overwhelm of it all.

I know it is very very common to struggle with this transition, and that it takes many children months if not most of the year to settle in. But I don't know how to support him day to day.

He complains when we get him up in the morning, at 7am - which is early but he's always been quite an early bird and would naturally wake up 7:15/730 so this aspect isn't a big change. We're insisting he has lights out by 9:30pm and would struggle to make him go to bed any earlier. But some nights he has had panic attacks and doesn't fall asleep until much later.

He complains about how much homework he has, but he's getting only very short tasks at the moment so it's not generally taking very long. I think he feels anxious that he's getting homework for 2-3 subjects. He's also overwhelmed with all the logistics of navigating the school and the different lessons, remembering kit and equipment etc (again totally normal I know).

He's NT and has always done very well academically. The school he's at is quite academic but he doesn't seem to be struggling with the work, though he says he's tired at school and finds it hard to focus. He also complains that he finds most of the lessons boring.

He is becoming really fixated on how he has much less free time than when he was at junior school - he does have less, but he gets home around 4:45 and doesn't get ready for bed until about 8:45 so even with homework and dinner he still has about 3 hours a day. He does only one afterschool club which was totally his choice. I try to point out to him that he still has lots of free time plus weekends but he's just so negative about it and won't listen.

The school itself is not the issue - it is a great school with good pastoral support, and he is making friends and is generally a good 'fit' for him - there's no question of us moving him, as the issues he's complaining about would be the same anywhere else. There is a counsellor at school who he has seen once - she taught him some breathing exercises and tried to reassure him (that's as much as I've got out him about it) and he's due to go back in a fortnight. He doesn't want me to tall his form tutor that he's having issues though.

I veer between feeling sorry for him and wanting to support him to thinking that he just needs to get a grip, that this is life for everyone and that no-one gets to stay at junior school and shirk responsibility for ever! He keeps saying he doesn't want to go to school and I worry that if we can't turn this around we may be on a path to EBSA.

Can anyone advise on what we can do to help him break out of this negative mindset? Sorry again for long post.

BY NT do you mean neurotypical? I struggle to keep up with internet acronyms

A few questions come to mind:

• are you sure it's not the school? is it one of those schools that gives detentions for the most stupid things? Those environments can wreck a person's mental health
• how about friendships? Did none of his friends up in the school? Or maybe they are but in different classes?
• How long is his commute? Did he go from a 5 minute walk to primary to navigating multiple trains/buses to get to secondary?
• What did he do last year which he isn't doing now? Any specific activity? Sports with friends who have now moved? How has his afternoon routine changed?

It is overwhelming for many kids.

(ex secondary teacher).

we used to keep the academic challenge down fairly low in the first few weeks as there really is a lot of adjust to.

focus on reminding him that he does have time. If he complains about homework or similar remind him he does actually have three hours.

panic attacks - there are some good strategies for dealing with these. Generally they involve grounding - so becoming more aware of your body now.

a classic is to write down or descrive
5 things you see
4 things you hear
3 things you smell
2 things you can touch
1 thing you can taste.

if you google grounding strategies you’ll get more.

You said he enjoyed the first few days and then started having panic attacks. Did something happen that has triggered this? Did something happen with his friendship group?

My first thoughts too @noblegiraffe. Also, how is he getting to school? If public transport, rival schools or older kids can be pretty mean to Y7s

Sorry, yes, NT = neurotypical. You are right to pull me up on the acronyms. EBSA = emotional based school avoidance, basically extreme anxiety that means a child really struggles to go to school.

Thank you for your reply, to answer your questions:

• definitely not the school, it is not one of those stupidly strict ones. No-one in the year has received a detention for anything yet, there is a rumour (unconfirmed!) that one boy got a minor conduct point thing.
• Friendships - no-one from his junior school has gone there, but he has quite a good friend from infant school who he has stayed friends with, and is in his class which is great. There were a number of meet-ups with families before school started and he got to know some others there. From what he says, he has a little group who he goes for lunch with etc (including the friend from infant school), and he had a zoom call with one boy yesterday so they could do Roblox together. He did have some serious friendship issues (AKA bullying) at the end of his time at junior school but I'm not getting even a hint of that now.
• Yes, the commute is much worse - he was a 7ish minute walk from his Junior school and now it's a 40 min walk to his new school - that said, he gets a lift most days either with us or with his infant school friend so I'd say he's only doing the 40 min walk maybe 3 or 4 times a week (out of 10 journeys to/from school). But either way, this is undoubtedly a big change for him. And despite us repeatedly encouraging him to leave books he doesn't need in his locker, he is still carrying round way more than he needs to.
• Last year he was doing a Saturday football club but that didn't continue beyond Y6 and he's never really been that into football. He's just decided to stop doing Scouts but he had been wavering about that for a while (it's on the same night as the after school club that he wants to do).
• His afternoon routine - he used to be home by about 3:45 and now it's an hour later (if he walks, but he's home by 4:20 or so if he gets a lift). Other than that it's not wildly different from before - he alternates between doing homework and then having screentime for a bit. We normally limit screentime to an hour during the week but have been letting him have a bit more as it's how he decompresses. He also reads a fair bit.

I don't think so - my reading is that the first few days were quite fun with various team-building events, introductory sessions and the like.

Since then the work has started in earnest and the novelty has generally worn off. He has said a couple of times "I can't believe I have a whole seven years of this." He says he feels under pressure from everything he has to remember, from the homework and from the relative lack of free time.

He had had a couple of panic attacks before, within the 18 months or so, but it was never clear (and he was unable to explain) what caused them. They weren't related to the bullying at the end of junior school as they came long before that.

He's either walking or getting a lift with us or occasionally with his friend.
We've looked into the public transport options (public buses) for the days when he can't get a lift but by the time he'd walked to and from the stops and waited for a probably-late bus it would shave only about 5 minutes off the time it would take to walk home. But we should explore it as an option for very bad weather days.
I doubt very much there would be anyone else from the school on the bus if he did get it.

Thank you, that's a good tip re grounding and not one I'd heard before.

We have been pointing out that he does have quite a bit of free time still but he just won't accept it. It's like he's determined to feel miserable and (dare I say it) wallow in self-pity.

The academic challenge will inevitably be ramped up over time and I do worry how he will cope when it does.

Can he cycle to school? That would half the travel time.

Is it quite a long school day... they seem to be finishing at 4pm?

what time does the school finish? It stuck out to me that he’s not home till 4.45 with a 40min commute, which sound like it’s a long school day. My kids at secondary and sixth form are both home by 3.30, finishing at 3 and 3.10 so even with yours longer commute, 4.45 still seems late with only one afterschool club a week. Is there a reason he went to a school quite far away that no one else from his primary went to? No criticism in any of this, just picking up on the factors that stand out as not the usual situation. Still a transitional time and likely he’ll adjust and feel better as he settles, but it does sound like a fair response to not having as much time or freedom as he used to, or as some friends at closer schools may have.

You sound like a really nice mum 💛

I’d not realised 4pm is a relatively late finish, I assumed it was standard for secondary.

We live just outside catchment for the school that many of his friends went to. That would be about a 20 min walk away. There is another school he could have gone to, which is closer than where he is. But it doesn’t have a great reputation and would not have been a good fit for DS (a lovely, thoughtful boy but a bit nerdy, a little bit socially awkward/shy and not very streetwise). So while the commute and shorter day would be better I’m in little doubt everything else would be worse.

I have a daughter in year 7 and this is exactly what I was / am worried about for her. She’s likely neurodiverse and I have heard secondary school is when the wheels can fall off. The main issue we have is that she has very poor executive function skills so struggles with the whole packing her bag, remembering the right stationery kit, PE kit, books etc. she was really anxious about finding her way around the school and getting lost. She has a shorter school day but a similar journey.
she actually said to me the other day “my whole life is aboit me starting secondary school now”and I worry her life has shrunk a bit as she has never been one for group activates but had a few long standing hobbies that she’s now stopped as they were all tied to her primary school. We’ve also been flexible with screen time (starting to bring back some more structure so she has time for homework etc) but she seems to be exhausted and needs a lot of chill time (and sleep).
im also doing a lot fo organise her and get her up and out - which is exhausting for me but really hoping will come in time!
no real suggestion but it’s a tough time and I hope things feel better soon for your son. I’ve just tried to take all pressure off as much as possible and be supportive of her worries and just hope things gradually settle down.

Thanks for explaining. If it’s got that long day and longer commute plus a fair amount of homework already then it will take an adjustment and will feel like a slog to him until he’s used to it. I was relieved our secondary gave very little homework to start with as that helped ease them in and its not had any detriment on academic performance, but some schools are more intense and that’s what some people want from them - my friend’s DS at private school left at 7am and didn’t get home till 5pm with hours of homework to do and it felt like that’s what parents were paying for.

I think it’s just tough when they’re still so young and that end of prep age makes more sense when they’re move up at 13 rather than 11 as they’re so much more able to cope by then. However as this is happening now and you’ve chosen the school for good reasons and don’t sound like it’s bad enough to change schools, then I’d just try to make it easier if at all poss. Is there any way he can get more lifts? Winter is going to be grim going in all on his own either on foot or the bus. It helps a lot to have someone with you at the start/end of the day so if there’s any way you can take him I would. At least until he’s adjusted to the rest of it. If that’s not possible then can he stay up a bit later - lights out at 10 maybe? So he’s not feeling like it’s a swizz, that he’s old enough to do this longer school day but still on primary bed times. Anything that would help soften the bad deal feeling so there’s some upside to it. And try to give him some things to look forward to. I remember when I started full-time work and had that seem feeling of doom that this was all my life would be now. It’s the sense your life’s not your own as much as anything so small things to give some autonomy help. Hang in there and it’ll be half-term before too long.

Could you do a timetable for the evenings with him e.g.
4:45pm - snack
5pm - read/TV
5:30pm - homework 1
He might not stick to it but it would help him quantity things. I often feel stressed by tasks that need doing that actually only take 20 mins or so, so realising I can fit in more than I thought helps.
Time can disappear when watching TV. It makes sense he wants to decompress, but if he is feeling a bit like he has wasted/lost time, could you help him plan a bit more? A board game or seeing a friend or a bike ride, whatever interests him.

Can you also make him checklists for his bag? You could do this together for each day and stick it in his planner or something, to help him feel organised.

Are all his friends getting home much earlier than him then? That probably rankles, especially if they're all getting home and playing Roblox together or something and he is missing out.

How about getting him a bike to reduce the commute? It would also give him freedom and exercise (can appreciate the roads may not be suitable).

I would go with scaffolding him, ask him what you can do to help him? Would you be able to sit with him whilst he does his homework to guide him? My children's secondary had a brilliant year 7 evening talking children through the expected time to spend on homework and what good sources look like and how many you should be looking at if researching. They said if you spent X amount of time and didn't finish, come and talk to us so we can try to fix what is going wrong. That can mean attending homework club which lots of students found helpful. However, this did mean doing it the day they got it so it wasn't due in the day after. I am not saying incomplete homework is the way to go.

What food would he love to find in the cupboard or fridge when he comes in as they are usually ravenous.

I would relax a little bit on the screen time, it is how children play together and chat over headphones. I caveat this with only as long as you are in ear shot so you can hear what he is saying and can see what is on the screen. It is also what they talk about to their friends.

I know he is doing the woe me routine, but acknowledge it, agree with him, tell him it is shitty but he gets 13 weeks of holiday. Every year 7 child is doing the same as him, adjusting, feeling overwhelmed. Mine strive on routine so I implemented a post school routine. That included a homework time slot but they knew that ended at a set time so they were done with it for the night.

To be honest it sounds like he is reacting to a big change in fairly normal way. It doesn't mean he can't cope with secondary, but it is a big different thing, and it takes time to adjust. I think his day is very long, my son in year 8 finishes at 3 and is home by 3.30 at the latest but often more like 3.15-3.20. You can't help this necessarily if that is the better school for him or the one he got into, but maybe he needs a little more time to adjust to his new schedule.

Most of his friends get home around the same time or after him - about half the kids get coaches and those at the end of the route won’t get home until maybe 5:30.

We hope he may be able to cycle when he’s a bit older - a neighbour’s Y10 son now does this - but the roads are 😬 and it’s also quite a steep hill on the way there!

Scaffolding - we’ve been doing this as far as possible, we get him to pack his bag the night before and then run through his timetable (stuck on the fridge) so we can check he’s got everything. He seems to be managing this OK but is still complaining that logistics are a struggle.

I don’t want to push bedtime back beyond 9:30 on a school night because he constantly complains about how tired he is already. We are relaxing screen time.

@icecreamisforwintertoo yes, my son feels the same as your daughter, that his life is now dominated by school, with the longer day (much longer with the commute), and the homework which will only increase.

We can perhaps do more to cover the lifts so he doesn’t have to walk - hubby could do more to juggle his WFH days as he keeps deciding to WFH on days I’m here which doesn’t make sense (I have to plan mine in advance).

I agree 11 seems too young for the secondary transition! I grew up in a middle school area and didn’t move to secondary (upper) until I’d just turned 14 which feels much more sensible.

We can perhaps do more to cover the lifts so he doesn’t have to walk - hubby could do more to juggle his WFH days as he keeps deciding to WFH on days I’m here which doesn’t make sense (I have to plan mine in advance).

Sounds like a good idea for this term and when the mornings are darker and colder. It can really help to have the comfort of that time in the car together rather than the dread already building alone on a less pleasant commute.

It is a late finish but time wise my son coped better when he went to a school that started at 9.00am and finished at 4.00pm than he did at the next school he went to that started at 8.40am and finished at 3.20pm.

What is the start time of his school?

My kids school finishes at 2.45! Then there's various extra curricular stuff until 4pm or 5pm. So 4pm seems very late... do they have a long lunch break? And is there time for homework at lunch.

Scaffolding is a great way to describe what you need, I think.
My ds is now y8, granted he does have adhd but y7 came as a big shock compared to the very easy ride he got at primary.

For the moment, I would take responsibility for everything that you possibly can.
Then gradually let him take bits back. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of that already, but make sure you know every aspect. What books he needs each day, leave the rest at home. Same with PE kit, food tech items, everything. Lay out the uniform ready. Have preferred snacks ready for when he gets home. If you can work out the lift situation I would do that.

Have treats to reward getting the homework done, in our case it could all be left to the weekend and I would sit there with a tube of Pringles and ‘feed’ ds like a baby bird after each maths question. I know it sounds stupid but it made him laugh, I could reassure and support, and it just made it a bit gentler on him. Now he can sit and do the work himself, and he gets a treat at the end, but it took time. Academically he was more than capable, but getting around the large school site was a real challenge for him. Obviously over time that improved and he then had headspace for more.

The other thing which helped, and which I had to realise for myself, was that I was reassuring in the wrong way. I would try to jolly him along, tell him it would get better, that he was brilliant and he would cope, that he still had loads of time to do other stuff - just like you’ve described. It didn’t help. It made ds feel even more like he was ‘failing’ at y7. Instead I switched to just sympathising. Yes ds, you do have a long day. Yes, that’s quite a lot of homework. Yes, the weather is properly rubbish today. Come and have a hug and go play Roblox now. Here’s a snack, dinner will be at 6. Sometimes we would all sit and have a whinge together about whatever was bothering us! It took the pressure off. Maybe approaching it like that would help. His feelings are valid, the start of y7 is hard. You and I know it will get easier, given time.

Good luck x