Struggling with secondary transition - advice please

[cherryberriesonacloud]

Hello

Sorry for rather rambling message but wanted to paint the picture.

DS started at secondary a few weeks ago - he enjoyed the first few days but since then has been fairly miserable - anxious/having panic attacks at bedtime and generally struggling with the overwhelm of it all.

I know it is very very common to struggle with this transition, and that it takes many children months if not most of the year to settle in. But I don't know how to support him day to day.

He complains when we get him up in the morning, at 7am - which is early but he's always been quite an early bird and would naturally wake up 7:15/730 so this aspect isn't a big change. We're insisting he has lights out by 9:30pm and would struggle to make him go to bed any earlier. But some nights he has had panic attacks and doesn't fall asleep until much later.

He complains about how much homework he has, but he's getting only very short tasks at the moment so it's not generally taking very long. I think he feels anxious that he's getting homework for 2-3 subjects. He's also overwhelmed with all the logistics of navigating the school and the different lessons, remembering kit and equipment etc (again totally normal I know).

He's NT and has always done very well academically. The school he's at is quite academic but he doesn't seem to be struggling with the work, though he says he's tired at school and finds it hard to focus. He also complains that he finds most of the lessons boring.

He is becoming really fixated on how he has much less free time than when he was at junior school - he does have less, but he gets home around 4:45 and doesn't get ready for bed until about 8:45 so even with homework and dinner he still has about 3 hours a day. He does only one afterschool club which was totally his choice. I try to point out to him that he still has lots of free time plus weekends but he's just so negative about it and won't listen.

The school itself is not the issue - it is a great school with good pastoral support, and he is making friends and is generally a good 'fit' for him - there's no question of us moving him, as the issues he's complaining about would be the same anywhere else. There is a counsellor at school who he has seen once - she taught him some breathing exercises and tried to reassure him (that's as much as I've got out him about it) and he's due to go back in a fortnight. He doesn't want me to tall his form tutor that he's having issues though.

I veer between feeling sorry for him and wanting to support him to thinking that he just needs to get a grip, that this is life for everyone and that no-one gets to stay at junior school and shirk responsibility for ever! He keeps saying he doesn't want to go to school and I worry that if we can't turn this around we may be on a path to EBSA.

Can anyone advise on what we can do to help him break out of this negative mindset? Sorry again for long post.

This obsession with time is often related to ADHD. My adhd sis similar.

I'd definitely give more thought to cycling. I get what you're saying about the hill and the roads, but when the weather is okay it's the difference between a 40 minute walk and a 10 minute cycle for me. That's just such a massive difference that it would probably be worth the time investment. He could always walk up the hill, and you could make sure he had a bike with a lot of gears.

Secondary school is tiring and if the lessons don't stretch you (mine didn't) it feels like a waste of time because you feel like you could easily squeeze it into maybe 3 days instead.

In terms of homework, I sometimes used to be allowed to just do the homework in class if I finished everything in the lesson. That meant I kept a bit more free time. Would that be an option that would help him? I don't know if it would be possible but it's worth thinking about.

I used to leave before 8am as a teenager and not get back til 4:30 which did feel like a fairly long day. I often used to nab a lift with my dad in the mornings - it meant I left at the same time as I would to walk to the bus stop but I gained 30-40 minutes which I could use to do my homework which I found a lot easier than trying to do it after school. Would that help/be an option? Or do they have a library where he could stay after school and get it out the way? Not having it looming over him might help a lot.

I wouldn't let my DS cycle in the situation OP describes, at his age with hairy roads and big hills, heavy bag and already having panic attacks. It's the last thing I'd want him to do going into winter, especially if the parents can manage the lifts in the morning between them, which it sounds like they can most days. I get some people love cycling, but he's not a grown up used to such commutes and it could be the straw that breaks him at this point. Agree OP is sensible to consider it later, like the other local kid, when he's older and way past this hump.

Thanks for the further responses.

They have to be in for registration at 8:35, assembly is then 8:45-9:10 and first period starts at 9:15.

Whether we drive him or he walks we have to leave at 7:50 annoyingly- both so DH and I can get off to our jobs but also because if we leave 10 mins later the traffic gets infinitely worse and it takes much longer.

At the moment they do a split lunch break, I think so they can have a more chilled lunch without the rest of the school. So they have half an hour to eat from 12:05, then another lesson 12:35, then the other half of the break from 1:25 (I think!) until 1:55 which is when the optional lunchtime clubs are run. He’s signed up for two which he seems keen to continue.

The school library is open after school for those that want to do homework before going home, but he’s really not keen and just wants to get home ASAP.

The obsession with time is completely new but he is becoming fixated on it.

Thats a good tip re just sympathising/empathising rather than trying to persuade him that he does still have a reasonable amount of leisure time.

That’s a very long day.

Ds was 9:30
Dd was 9:30 to 3:30 with a short lunch

It’s gets easier op!

I have a year 9 and a year 7. The year 7 is finding it SO overwhelming, moving classes, making friends, lunch time, homework, charging laptops etc.

But I promise it does get easier. My year 9 is settled, probably took him at least a term to feel confident.

Just keep doing what you are doing, reminding him and helping he and he will settle.

It can sometimes feel like your child is the only one not settled, but I promise that’s not the case. People will say they’ve settled well if you ask but lots of year 7s have teething problems

I wouldn't rule out neurodiversity. My son (now year 10) really struggled with the secondary transition having been absolutely fine at primary - no concerns at all, either socially or academically. The secondary school were hugely supportive and we worked really hard to help him but long story short he has been unable to attend full time or go into a classroom since the Easter of year 7. He was diagnosed autistic in April - he himself asked to be assessed.
This may not be the case for your son but I wouldn't rule it out completely.

This sounds like one of those areas where a parent really wants to help but it's unclear what to do.

The step from primary to secondary is a big step and it's natural for there to be some struggles with the adjustment period.

You say he only had one friend from his primary join this school with him? I'd say that would make it more stressful than if he had a whole group of friends. In most lessons he might not know anyone. So that could be one element.

Also it's very early, we are only 3 weeks in to the new year. Hopefully some of these issues will settle down as he becomes more settled into a routine and the 'newness' and disorientation fades away.

It's also very physically challenging to move from 6 weeks summer holidays into a new high school routine with longer days. My son was exhausted during the first 2 weekends and he just needed some downtime to chill.

So the only thing I can suggest is maybe easing the physical strain by letting him have chill time on the sofa with a movie or two. Long lie in on the weekends too.

If he's having trouble sleeping that will make him even more tired the next day. Try some 'sleep hygiene' techniques and maybe some relaxing music to help him sleep.

Good luck

Thanks for the further replies. Things have been a bit better - no panic attacks for 10+ days though he is still struggling to get up in the mornings and sometimes getting a bit upset then.

We emailed his form tutor who was brilliant, really supportive - DS was worried he’d lost an exercise book and his tutor said he as happy to speak to the teacher so he wouldn’t be punished for it. (It of course then turned up on his locker as I suspected it might!). And has offered various other support.

He’s also started getting the bus home which is working well - it only shortens the journey by about 10 mins but there a bit difference between a 35-40 min walk, and a 15 min bus journey with a 5 min walk each end.

@suitcaseofdreams sorry to hear your DS has experienced such difficulties, I hope you’ve found something that works for him. I’d never rule out neurodivergence entirely but every time I look into it, it feels like at most 10% or the characteristics of eg autism or ADHD apply to my DS.

@Naanspiration you’re right that as a parent you want to help but don’t know how! There is little we can do to change a lot of the logistics. But he does seem to be doing well making friends at least.

We have a very chilled weekend planned. And as for relaxing at bedtime he has one of these galaxy projector lamps which he loves (he’s quite into space) and which I’d highly recommend: https://amzn.eu/d/8hYo9XH

I was in this hell 2 years ago with my eldest daughter. We actually got to the point of school refusal off and on until Christmas. It was a shock as she had loved primary school - maybe that was part of the problem. She found the secondary lessons boring and missed the playtimes. She did very long days (8-5.30) but had done the same in her prep school and was fine.

it does gradually get better. We found that each half term was better than the last. Please convince him to get the form tutor involved as they can do a lot to make things easier - they made the other teachers aware that DD was struggling and everyone was so kind. No one told her off if she forgot anything, matron took her under her wing and she was allowed to leave a lesson if she felt anxious. At home, we planned something nice to look forward to every night - a nice dinner or pudding, a film, a series, popcorn, a game etc. it was exhausting for me but it really helped. Plan something a bit more special at the weekends. Sit with them to help them with homework and give them support. I found I had to be on top of everything - checking her email and homework diary etc.

She is now Year 9 and loves school.- in fact, she’s been there until 9pm every night this week with various rehearsals. She occasionally sleeps there with some of her friends that board. She has the odd anxiety wobble during exam time but copes with the support of the school. I never thought we would get here.

It will get easier x

Sorry to hear your daughter had such a hard time of it. I was worried we may be heading for school refusal territory but thankfully things do seem to be improving slowly rather than getting worse.
DS agreed to us involving his form tutor and he’s been brilliant, really supportive.
That’s great your daughter is doing so well, I’m sure we will get there, I just hope we can continue on an upward trajectory.