School is too much for DD

[localhere]

Not sure if this is the right board so I’m sorry but it does directly reference school and education.
My Dd is 12. She had her first day back yesterday and a meltdown last night.
For a bit of background she was on a reduced timetable in June and July and was sort of managing on that.
The days she was in she wouldn’t sleep, she won’t eat at school, and was always a ball of nerves (there was also a self harming incident) it was heartbreaking but I thought she found it doable. She had high hopes to ‘enjoy school’ come September, she desperately wants to be that girl! One day back has broken her. She finds it difficult to articulate her thoughts generally but I cajoled her into write her issues down and she wrote notes in the night that clearly express her difficulties with managing the noise, the chaos of the place, her sensory difficulties.
NHS won’t even see her for an assessment of autism or adhd that school forwarded even though it runs rampant through our family, I’m appealing that through her GP. She’s missed so much school already year 6 and 7 but the way I see it, learning is not an option for her in an environment she finds ‘scary’ and overwhelming. At school she is considered quiet and “good” - at home she breaks down from the effort of masking.
I know this morning she’ll give it her best and we’ll sit in the car outside school for ages while she wrings her hands and sobs, and then I’ll have to take her to work with me.
My heart bleeds for her. I have even been considering homeschooling but she is at her dad’s every other week and his work doesn’t allow him the capability or flexibility to offer that support.
sorry if this reads like a venting session, I’m really at my wits end and feel like piggy in the middle between what the school demands and her needs! Any advice that comes from experience is very much appreciated.

Bless you and your daughter

You really are stuck in the middle

GP will likely recommend you self refer and if anything like Psion they will ‘lose’ the forms even if you also email them

beyond frustrating - could you afford to have her assessed privately? X

The only way out of this is private assessment and fishing for an EHCP.

Why won’t the nhs see her she sounds typical of ND?

I am going through the exact same just now and have pulled her out of all classes. She is going in for a few hours a day but with a dedicated support person and not in classes. We are fortunate to have decided to go private and will look into medication that may assist with anxiety. It's expensive but necessary.

Will the school read what she has written? And can you make some small suggestions - not things that cost money because that’s a huge problem but other suggestions that would help

I don’t see why someone needs a formal bit of paper to get at least some of the support they need - ear plugs allowed, somewhere like the library to work through exercises rather than the classroom. Surely the school have quiet spaces like a library that children can use in break?

i am just thinking of how school make small changes to help me way back just a “this would help me” “ok” discussion

Outside of the ehcp process failure, what are school doing to support her?

Im not saying lots can be done. This is a very difficult and stressful situation. But for instance, classes themselves should be quiet and calm. Is there a seat that works better for her, can she leave to get through corridors at quiet times. Are there particularly bad classes she could drop, are there quiet spaces she can access for lunch and break, are there possibilities for an alternative provision like equine therapy to support school attendance.

In terms of referrals, can you ask for an OT referral for sensory issues (as well as pursuing a diagnosis, which might be very slow) they might offer some practical help. Stress that the education placement is at risk of breaking down.

I feel support won’t help with noise from other dc and chaos she doesn’t like. I would try and find one of these strict type of schools with silent corridors. It might be a much calmer atmosphere for her.

I agree that if the school is actually chaos then you could look for a different stricter school if you have any choice as they do seem calmer.

It probably won’t touch the sides of the issues but loop earplugs have been really beneficial for my girls in managing the noise at school…

Is her Dad supportive of doing what is necessary or does he not see it? It’s so hard but please don’t despair… find a support circle. Lots of groups and charities out there, some with help and chat lines for you and your DD - Young Minds, Action for Children, Shout. There must also be groups on here. Best wishes x

That sounds awful, OP. My heart goes out to your DD. Ironically I was just reading another thread where lots of posters commented on how you don't need a diagnosis to get support. Trouble is, without a diagnosis, it's much harder to work out what those support needs are.

I agree that your DD sounds like she is autistic. According to my psychiatrist who is a specialist in ADHD and autism, everyone who is autistic, also has ADHD. ADHD is treatable with medication. It might be worth considering a private ADHD assessment. If you go down that route, check first with your GP that they would be willing to go for 'shared care' otherwise you will be paying for private prescriptions for a long time.

NHS refuses. Why? how? Did you put in via senco? Did you provide examples of all her struggles in more than one environment? I teach children's sport and often wrote supporting statements for referrals. Just because they've refused once doesn't mean they will again. My youngest was refused in year 5/6 but is on waiting list for assessment in year 9/10 now. Are there any suitable pupil referral units near you? For this type of problem? My daughter has just been referred to one. She's been out of school completely now since early April. Not deregistered, just can't manage. Although it helped (or not) the CAMHS said she shouldn't be in mainstream education. Due to the mental distress it was causing her that then had a knock on effect to her physical health. Feel free to pm me if you want. I've been through it with both my kids. Eldest now has a diagnosis and even sat their GCSEs at home!

Would her father be on board with her sill staying overnight, but coming to your house during the day to enable home ed or online schooling?

It sounds a hard situation, schools can be so busy and overwhelming these days.

Our DD is the same but struggles started from start of primary. We went private as waiting for an assessment was taking too long and we were told no support without diagnosis. Even after diagnosis support and adjustments were almost nil.
She doesn't go to school now and she is much happier, the whole family is less stressed.... I look back on all the times we sent her to school in an awful state or I got cross because she couldn't go in and I have so many regrets. It took a long time for her to recover from school trauma but she is now opening up about just how hard things were.
If she can not attend school, she should be eligible for EOTAS is absent for more than 15 days.
We are still waiting for this and I'm not holding my breath. But what we did do is decide we would remove all school pressure and expectations. In reality we home ed but she is still on role.
I still have the stress of meetings and emails (which if I deregistered would disappear) but I am thinking long term now and that in a few years college may be an option but we need the EHCP in place for that. She likely won't be able to return to a mainstream school setting but she does want to go to college.
DD is following interests and learning in their own way but most importantly we have regained their trust and they are happier

you can apply for an EHCP even without diagnosis. Call Sunshine Support, they’re fantastic at helping. Get a 0% credit card and book a private assessment and make sure it’s a good place that recognises atypical forms of ASD such as PDA. Liaise with the SENCO at your school, they’ll be used to helping ASD kids, you don’t need a diagnosis. If that school is too much for her, is there a smaller alternative? If you go on a mums Facebook forum they always have amazing advice on low demand schools in the area. Ask the GP for referral to CAMHS, and for OT for the sensory issues - even if they refuse it take years you can say you’ve asked. Advocate for your daughter, and let her know you have her back. Wishing you and her luck and sending strength.

I’d love to hear how you did GCSEs at home, that’s amazing! My daughter is ASD, PDA and high anxiety. How do I find out more? Thanks so much. Don’t know how to dm on Mumsnet. Boy of a novice!

If DD missed so much of Y6 and Y7, was alternative provision in place? It should have been. This is under section 19 of the Education Act 1996. Provision should have been put in place as soon as it became clear 15 days would be missed. The days don’t have to be consecutive or already missed. And provision should have started by the sixth day. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

An EHCNA should have been requested. You can do that yourself. IPSEA also has a model letter you can use for this. With an EHCP, that opens the door for further support that wouldn’t otherwise be available and placements that wouldn’t be possible without an EHCP. It can also enable provision otherwise than in a school - an EOTAS/EOTIS package via the EHCP, which can provide more, including therapies, than section 19 provision.

Neither of these require a diagnosis. They are based on needs.

The school should also be making reasonable adjustments and their best endeavours to meet DD’s SEN.

Not all ICBs commission sensory OT on the NHS. If your area does, it is worth a referral. In some areas, you can self refer.

If DD doesn’t get on with Loops like a pp suggested, there are other alternatives such as noise cancelling headphones that go over the ear.

@Yabbadabbadooooooo I have 2 DSs who sat 2 GCSEs at home this year and will sit more at home next year. It was via their EOTAS/EOTIS packages.

The senco sorted it. She was still on roll at her school but didn't go back after an overdose so she did what learning and revision she could from home home from October and then an invigilator came with her exams and supervised her.

What support was offered by the school during year 7? As PP said, headphones, a Time Out card, leaving class a couple of minutes early, a safe space when she’s overwhelmed, don’t cost money and can be helpful.

You can apply for an EHCP yourself. A diagnosis isn’t necessary; evidence of need is, which you have. Have you spoken to the SENCo recently and discussed adjustments?

Is the situation the same when she is at her father’s house?

We been fighting for section 19 for a year..haven't made any progress LA says we aren't eligible. Over a year of non attendance

@Leftrightmiddle have you gone down the pre-action letter route and JR proceedings themselves?

If you are also appealing to SENDIST, have you requested an expedited hearing?

We haven't we had 2 panels that refused. We then asked for an appeal if panel decision. But LA said they cancelled appeal as we were engaging with process and so it wasn't needed, when I complained I was told it is too late for appeal now.
Before summer the new Ed psych said we were likely to be put on a new LA EOTAS trial which will be starting in sept. I'm waiting for an update on this.

We have been trying to get support since yr 1 and I don't think we would have made any less progress if we done nothing.

@Leftrightmiddle unfortunately, LAs often only provide provision when forced to via legal means. You could look at a pre-action letter.

When you say “But LA said they cancelled appeal as we were engaging with process and so it wasn't needed” do you mean your appeal for s19 provision? Rather than an appeal to SENDIST about an EHCP? Does DD have an EHCP?

An appeal for an EHCP we still.dont have one.

Thank you I will look at the pre action letter.

@Leftrightmiddle the LA can’t cease the appeal to SENDIST because you are engaging. That isn’t how it works. The LA can concede an appeal because they agree to undertake the actions under appeal (in your case they agree to assess or agree to issue, depending on what your appeal was), but that isn’t about your engagement.

Did you submit an appeal to SENDIST? If so, what paperwork have you had from SENDIST themself?

Can you recommend a particular brand of the loop earplugs? I want to try them with my DD but don't know where to start.

Information here:

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/school-anxiety