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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Single sex school a good idea for potentially gay child?

52 replies

AreYouAGod · 18/07/2025 09:05

DS is going into y6 and is currently at a very small, supportive, village type school.

He plays almost exclusively with girls and always has done. He may or may not be gay. Tbh I think he is too young to be sexually interested in anyone. To be clear - he is not ‘trapped in the wrong body’.

He is just a boy who shares more interests with girls.

The single sex school option will offer a lot more extra curricular activity that aligns with his interests and will be more suited to his academic nature.
But I have concerns that because he is never one of the ‘boys’ and hates blokey, aggressive and lad culture he will miss the company of girls.

I also worry that if he goes to the huge mixed school which is our other option, the girls may not even want to hang out with him. They will hit puberty before him and they may not want to play with him/hang around with him if there are boys they can potentially snog around!

Any mean comments from current boys about him being ‘gay’ were completely stamped out by the current school.

Is this likely to be the case in a larger secondary?

I just have huge concerns with both schools tbh.

My biggest fear is bullies making him self conscious and dimming his beautiful shine.

Any advice from mums who have sons that have navigated either environment with success? Or from mums that would absolutely not recommend one school?

OP posts:
Stowickthevast · 18/07/2025 09:31

To be honest I would probably opt for the mixed school. I do think you're more likely to get a bit of toxic masculinity in an all boys environment. My nephew goes to an all boys school and he laughed at me when I asked him how many people in his year (y10) were gay - i.e none.
By contrast Dd1 who is the same age is at a mixed school and has a couple of male friends who are openly gay. Dd2 is at an all girls school and is bi - she has experienced some homophobia but the school were quick to address it.
Unfortunately I've seen a rise in homophobia and the "anti-woke" brigade in schools recently. Not among the staff who are still teaching inclusivity and diversity but among the pupils who are probably getting it from parents.

Original poster
AreYouAGod · 18/07/2025 09:42

Thank you for replying.

There seems to be a fair bit of misogyny within single sex boys schools. Which he would hate.

I also see how some other boys his age respond to him, and grown men as well, which is with a sense of real ‘ick’. Almost like they recoil at his clothes, interests etc

But do girls in y7/8 really want to hang out with boys?

OP posts:
QueenMummyTheFirst · 18/07/2025 09:49

You sound like a lovely mum, and he sounds brilliant!

My DD is in y7 at a mixed comp, and she's in a lovely class with a good mix of friends - mostly girls, but some boys too (she went to a birthday party last week of one of the boys in her class). Any sign of homophobia seems to be well policed by the kids themselves, as well as clamped down on by the teachers. I don't think all classes are like this though, I think she got lucky with a nice form. Ultimately, high school can be a bit of a lottery I think, depending on who you happen to be put with.

Have you looked round the schools? What does your son think?

I think in your position I would go for the mixed school. Extracurriculars are lovely, but if he's unhappy there he won't be wanting to do them anyway.

mismomary · 18/07/2025 09:50

I think I'd go for mixed too. My DD went to secondary with a tight set of three friends. But within the first week their little group expanded to include a couple more girls and a boy. He just fitted right in with them. A couple of the girls 'fancied' him a bit but he was mainly just seen as another of their tight friendship group. Nice popular boy, just got on better with girls. A couple of years later and nothing has changed. I think your DS is more likely to find his tribe in a mixed school.

floppybit · 18/07/2025 09:55

Another vote here for the mixed school - they often have lunch time LGBT clubs and are very supportive of gay students. Also the presence of girls seems to make it a more ‘gay friendly’ environment. Good luck to your son and I hope he thrives at high school.

mugglewump · 18/07/2025 09:59

Your boy sounds just like mine; always only had girl friends, liked the girl-type games, not interested in football at all. He went to a huge mixed secondary school (2,000 students) and still only befriended girls. In a huge school like that you can be completely anonymous and can always find someone to hang out with. At university he gained a mixed group of friends, but best friends are still girls. Go for the mixed school.

Original poster
AreYouAGod · 18/07/2025 10:01

QueenMummyTheFirst · 18/07/2025 09:49

You sound like a lovely mum, and he sounds brilliant!

My DD is in y7 at a mixed comp, and she's in a lovely class with a good mix of friends - mostly girls, but some boys too (she went to a birthday party last week of one of the boys in her class). Any sign of homophobia seems to be well policed by the kids themselves, as well as clamped down on by the teachers. I don't think all classes are like this though, I think she got lucky with a nice form. Ultimately, high school can be a bit of a lottery I think, depending on who you happen to be put with.

Have you looked round the schools? What does your son think?

I think in your position I would go for the mixed school. Extracurriculars are lovely, but if he's unhappy there he won't be wanting to do them anyway.

I totally agree re lottery!

Thank you for your insight. It’s really helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
AreYouAGod · 18/07/2025 10:02

mugglewump · 18/07/2025 09:59

Your boy sounds just like mine; always only had girl friends, liked the girl-type games, not interested in football at all. He went to a huge mixed secondary school (2,000 students) and still only befriended girls. In a huge school like that you can be completely anonymous and can always find someone to hang out with. At university he gained a mixed group of friends, but best friends are still girls. Go for the mixed school.

Yes, I do think the anonymity could be rather freeing as well.
Thank you for replying.

OP posts:
HelloHattie · 18/07/2025 10:02

I think if he likes playing with girls it would be a shame to remove that option.

SometimesYouWinSometimesYouLearn · 18/07/2025 10:27

AreYouAGod · 18/07/2025 09:05

DS is going into y6 and is currently at a very small, supportive, village type school.

He plays almost exclusively with girls and always has done. He may or may not be gay. Tbh I think he is too young to be sexually interested in anyone. To be clear - he is not ‘trapped in the wrong body’.

He is just a boy who shares more interests with girls.

The single sex school option will offer a lot more extra curricular activity that aligns with his interests and will be more suited to his academic nature.
But I have concerns that because he is never one of the ‘boys’ and hates blokey, aggressive and lad culture he will miss the company of girls.

I also worry that if he goes to the huge mixed school which is our other option, the girls may not even want to hang out with him. They will hit puberty before him and they may not want to play with him/hang around with him if there are boys they can potentially snog around!

Any mean comments from current boys about him being ‘gay’ were completely stamped out by the current school.

Is this likely to be the case in a larger secondary?

I just have huge concerns with both schools tbh.

My biggest fear is bullies making him self conscious and dimming his beautiful shine.

Any advice from mums who have sons that have navigated either environment with success? Or from mums that would absolutely not recommend one school?

Regardless of the sexual orientation I don't think single sex schools are good thing..the society is mixed gender. The school should prepare kids to real life experience.

LetItGoToRuin · 18/07/2025 11:07

Anecdata - not a recommendation as such.

A friend's DS was similarly quite a 'girly' boy in primary, and most of his friends were girls. His parents had similar concerns about which secondary school would suit him best, but in the end they gave him the choice and he chose to go to a boys' grammar in preference to the large, mixed comprehensive over the road.

He is finishing Y10 now and has been fine - he has made friends at school and hasn't particularly been a target for bullies. He is still friends with some of the girls from primary and goes shopping / to Costa with them on Saturdays. I don't know whether or not he is gay.

cc99xo · 18/07/2025 11:08

I would definitely go with mixed. There’s a lot more liklehood that he’ll find someone to build friendships with there - you never know, he may end up having all male friends but at least he’ll have the option and it’ll make the transition to secondary school smoother for him. Good luck x

TheaBrandt1 · 18/07/2025 11:15

Definitely the mixed school no brainer. Friends kids at the local mixed comp formed large mixed sex friendship groups. The boys school in our city is ok for the rugby lad types. One friends more gentle lad was bullied at the boys school. Another was fine as the boys school has a deep pool of boys so he found like minded friends.

Stowickthevast · 18/07/2025 11:28

AreYouAGod · 18/07/2025 09:42

Thank you for replying.

There seems to be a fair bit of misogyny within single sex boys schools. Which he would hate.

I also see how some other boys his age respond to him, and grown men as well, which is with a sense of real ‘ick’. Almost like they recoil at his clothes, interests etc

But do girls in y7/8 really want to hang out with boys?

@AreYouAGod dd1 has a mixed group of male & female friends - she's slightly closer to the girls but some of the girls in the group are closer to the boys than she is. They are all into drama which probably helps as a shared interest but I think the good thing about a large mixed school is that there is room for all interests.

WanderingWisteria · 18/07/2025 11:54

I think that it might be less of an issue than you are worrying about at either school simply because there will be a bigger pool of people to become friends with and therefore he is more likely to find likeminded people of either sex.

Shar270 · 18/07/2025 12:02

I would visit both with him, discuss all the pros and cons and see what you both think at the end of it. On the face of it though I'd go for the mixed school.

PolyCat · 18/07/2025 12:05

To be honest I’m not a big fan of single sex schools. Mixed school all the way! He’ll make new friends. Could any of his old friends be going to that school too?

tripleginandtonic · 18/07/2025 12:05

AreYouAGod · 18/07/2025 09:42

Thank you for replying.

There seems to be a fair bit of misogyny within single sex boys schools. Which he would hate.

I also see how some other boys his age respond to him, and grown men as well, which is with a sense of real ‘ick’. Almost like they recoil at his clothes, interests etc

But do girls in y7/8 really want to hang out with boys?

Yes they will. Not all but some. Plus you have the whole bf/gf dynamic if he's not gay . My ds played with the lads a lot but had mixed friendship groups as well.
Plus schools often seat them boy/girl.

KassandraOfSparta · 18/07/2025 12:06

My just turned 17 year old son has a circle of friends which include both boys and girls. He was at a music festival with two of his female friends. Lots of girls are more than happy to hang out with boys, even if they are not interested in them as "boyfriends".

NanFlanders · 18/07/2025 12:13

My son goes to a mixed school, and has good (b/g) mix of friends, including one gay lad. Any suggestions of homophobia is quickly stamped on! His friends are all involved in drama (in and out of school) - this seems to attract the quirky and less 'macho' lads - might that be of interest to your son?

Goingupanddown · 18/07/2025 12:18

I agree with others that you should visit both and let him choose. He will get a sense of both places and know if he can see himself happy there.

Also, if he makes the wrong choice and is unhappy, they'll normally be options to move.

TheCovetedDuchessRose · 18/07/2025 12:26

My oldest has just finished year 7. His close group of friends at primary were mostly girls but he went to a different secondary to them all.

He has made a very good group of friends who are all boys, all into DnD and is very happy. He has also made friends with a group of girls through the book club and young writers. He is very happy and enjoys the dynamic.

i work in a big state school and there are so many clubs and activities that everybody finds their space and their crew.

MyMilchick · 18/07/2025 12:34

Goingupanddown · 18/07/2025 12:18

I agree with others that you should visit both and let him choose. He will get a sense of both places and know if he can see himself happy there.

Also, if he makes the wrong choice and is unhappy, they'll normally be options to move.

yep, agree

Foxesandsquirrels · 18/07/2025 12:52

I'm going to go against the grain and say boys. There will be boys like your son there and just like in girls school where science and DT become more accessible, I think things like Art, Music, Drama etc become more accessible to boys. It makes me so happy to see a full class of boys taking Art or Drama GCSE, which is unheard of in most mixed schools as those are seen as the girly subjects. Even things like Food Tech. I do think it depends on the school obv but I think for kids like your son, it allows them to explore subjects without any gender attached to them. If he does turn out to be gay, it's also important for him to know how to be friends with boys and form those bonds with males. He needs to know how to spot toxic behaviours within males so he is as prepared as possible when choosing future partners. If he is in a mixed school and only friends with girls, he may not ever be a part of those types of close male bonds that are really important too.
I would also think about what school is more difficult to get into. Go for the one that is more difficult, and you can always move to the less popular one if the 'better' one doesn't work out.

LollyWillow · 18/07/2025 13:28

Have you spoken with your DS about this OP and have you been to see both schools? I think this is a difficult decision so all I can do is relate my experience.
My DS went to a primary school that was a feeder for a very good (state) boys school, but throughout primary school he always spent more time playing with and talking with girls and actively avoided the boys in his class who were very boisterous and sporty. When it came to chosing a secondary school he refused point blank to go to the local boys school choosing instead a mixed school, some distance away and with a ... mixed ... reputation. I was horrified.
To be honest, I never thought DS was gay (I am) but he definitely preferred the company of girls.
It was a very difficult decision but I relented and he went to the mixed school. In his first week at the new school he met a group of boys that he is still friends with 20 years later; the girls he had been friends with melted away pretty quickly. Looking back, I think the main issue was sport. The boys school was very sporty and he just couldn't countenance that.
All of which is a very long winded way of saying that I think extra curricular activities might prove to be more important than his current friendship group and that I'm sure that between you you can make the right decision. Good luck!