Single sex school a good idea for potentially gay child?

[AreYouAGod]

DS is going into y6 and is currently at a very small, supportive, village type school.

He plays almost exclusively with girls and always has done. He may or may not be gay. Tbh I think he is too young to be sexually interested in anyone. To be clear - he is not ‘trapped in the wrong body’.

He is just a boy who shares more interests with girls.

The single sex school option will offer a lot more extra curricular activity that aligns with his interests and will be more suited to his academic nature.
But I have concerns that because he is never one of the ‘boys’ and hates blokey, aggressive and lad culture he will miss the company of girls.

I also worry that if he goes to the huge mixed school which is our other option, the girls may not even want to hang out with him. They will hit puberty before him and they may not want to play with him/hang around with him if there are boys they can potentially snog around!

Any mean comments from current boys about him being ‘gay’ were completely stamped out by the current school.

Is this likely to be the case in a larger secondary?

I just have huge concerns with both schools tbh.

My biggest fear is bullies making him self conscious and dimming his beautiful shine.

Any advice from mums who have sons that have navigated either environment with success? Or from mums that would absolutely not recommend one school?

Tricky. From a friendship with girls/is he gay perspective the mixed one sounds better. One of DD’s closest friends at her mixed secondary was the gayest boy in the world who hung out with her nerdy, mainly female friendship group.

But there is more to him that that. And the other school sounds like it has lots of opportunities for his interests to be catered for. And it would be a shame for him to have the door closed on that - unless there are out of school opportunities for him otherwise?

What is it about his getting on well with the girls that means he is potentially gay? I am a mum of a similar boy. Does that mean I should be considering that my DS is potentially gay? All that I have ever read into it is that he is more sociable and more gentle than most boys. And for us that means that single sex or senior school would therefore not to be a great option.

I taught at a single sex school for boys.
The boys were very supportive of those that came out as gay.
And really didn't care.

It will be as others have said a bit of a lottery, but co ed schools can be much worse than single sex schools for acceptance.

You sound like you are talking about my son at that age.... My son is academically gifted and could have attended a grammar school (same sex) he was totally against it as none of his girl friends would be there. Have you asked your son what he would prefer?
My son thrived in his mixed secondary school, i'm so pleased I did not push him to go to the grammar. He made a lot of friends, mainly girls, but a few boys too!

IME (limited I know as my DC are straight) being gay doesn't seem to be a big deal now. Both my kids have happily hung out with gay friends and its never been an issue - DS shared a dorm room with a gay friend on a school trip. Having said that I think that the group the boy was put with was chosen with care. When DD was about 16 she mentioned that a (male) friend was staying at her Boyfriends house, I was surprised as the friend was openly gay and in my day a straight boy would never have a gay friend to stay without comment and she was surprised I was suprised if that makes sense.
I do think that a mixed sex school might be a better idea but I am not a fan of single sex schools in general anyway

The single sex option is a better fit for extracurricular activities plus academic fitness - so I’d go with that. The fact it has more extracurricular that match his interests means there will be other boys with similar interests- enough to run these clubs. The school obviously doesn’t have a “boys just play football” culture.

is the more academic boys school a grammar?

DD’s best male friend at secondary (who is gay) came to her mixed state school from a single sex private school. He much prefers it.

The general rule is that single sex is good for girls but not for boys anyway.

My son also preferred hanging out with girls in primary. He’s not sporty at all, was never boisterous, and just didn’t seem to find common interests with boys his age. He’s would have hated an all boys school.

He’s now in his final year of secondary school. Not gay. The first few years of secondary school were tough for him friendship wise - girls moved on to teen girl interests, and covid made it really tough to make new friends. But he did eventually and now has a good group of (mostly male) friends. He found his ‘tribe’.

My DDs go to a mixed sex comp, and my eldest has a wide range of friends of both sexes, some of the boys are gay but aren’t totally “out” at school due to homophobia.

I’d go for the mixed school, unless your son has a very strong personality. The head boy at my school (late 90s) was openly gay but he had the confidence to pull it off - he also mostly hung out with girls (which I also think made him more accepted by the boys, as they wanted to keep the girls inside!).

This is a really interesting topic as I'll possibly be in the situation in a few years so following with interest

It very much depends on the school and its ethos. My ds goes to an all boys. It's not a macho culture. Has female as well as male teachers. Strong focus on music art and drama, for all sexual orientation, strong focus on sports but they are trying to dim that a bit to increase the reputation for the arts. Inclusive atmosphere. Very anti-bullying. There's a co-ed grammar nearby not known for pastoral care and I think that would be a worse option. So you really end to speak to parents about how they find it. Let him choose.

I agree with this. My sons are not traditional males. They love cooking, airfixes, Minecraft and certainly not fpotball, rugby or cricket. They both went to boys schools. It was lovely to see them enjoy Minecraft and not have the mickey taken out of then by cool girls. They enjoyed cookery lessons, art, drama etc. they had lots of gay friends at school.

My gay DS went to a mixed school and was friends with a lot of girls all the way through. He also had male friends even though he wasn’t into football like they were.

Definitely mixed
But shop around
Even if it's a drive away
Find the right school for him ,he sounds lovely 😍

Are both schools on equal footing achievement-wise? I’d want to opt for the better school, if not.

If they are equal, I would recommend the mixed school—my DD has two gay boys in her friendship group at secondary. I think the boys thrive off of the girls’ feminine energy (sounds like your DS already does this at primary), and it’s nice for the girls to have guy friends who don’t try to impress them with “macho” behaviours, and who they can be in a mixed gender friendship with, without the politics of hookup culture—the guys will never want to become involved or try to make an advance, which makes her feel safe, if that makes sense.

It massively depends on the school.
my oldest goes to a boys only school, and they basically have all interest. In this case, boys only means all the boys can express themselves, no need to set themselves apart from girls etc.
Other boys only school massively cater to “boysy boys”. some mixed school are genuinely mixed, othere propagate gender stereotypes. It really depends on the school

This is really nice to hear. Thank you for sharing.

My friends son always got on better with girls he looks like a Greek god is definitely not gay! Now has a devoted gorgeous girlfriend and a lively social life

My daughter is 12 and one of her best friends for years now is a boy who has only ever really had friends who are girls. He comes to her sleepovers and we do our nails together (my daughter isn’t into this sort of thing) and is super into anime and cuddly toys and such. Not sure of his sexual orientation but none of them are into dating yet so it doesn’t matter anyway. I don’t like single sex schools on principal but just to reassure that he will find his tribe and girls are very happy to hang out with boys in my experience :) He’s never had a problem with being bullied and has always been very much who he is.

Thank you everyone for such thoughtful and kind responses.

Ultimately I will let him decide.

I’m generally in favour of single sex schools -especially for girls.

@IwouldlikeanewTV and @Foxesandsquirrels thank you both for the perspective of the benefits of single sex schools for boys.

I’m sure he will find his tribe wherever he goes.

You have all put my mind at ease. 😊

It really depends on the child, has he visited both, even just to see students & school ? His input would be valuable.

He should understand ultimate choice is yours but his view is important.

Gender of students, sexuality may not be important for him now, or even in 5 years.

My sons went to a single sex school , and they was a few quite feminine boys there .. they were totally accepted for who they were and supported and celebrated to some extent for being good in the arts .. I think the world has come a long way with accepting differences.. although they school was small , only 500 boys in the main school ... but let your boy choose.. also , I had to move my eldest from his big mixed school in year 8 because it was so rough ..

My son was similar aged 11 but was adamant he wouldn’t go to an all boys school; many of his primary friends went to an all boys school. He’s at a big mixed comp. And his friends are still all girls (end year 10). He has very lovely friends (all hard working girls he seems to be the only boy in his friendship circle). The earlier puberty thing didn’t seem to make a difference other than that they were taller than him!!

I used to work in an all boys school, albeit 10 years ago but I'm not sure much would have changed. 'gay' was very much still used as a derogatory term despite attempts to correct it by (lots not all!) of the staff. The vibe of the place was pretty toxic. However, there were lots of lovely boys who tended to find and be friends with each other, and then groups who were more obviously affected by the issues that you would associate with an all boys school. There was rampant misogyny from both the boys and the staff, which was basically why I left.

In the entire time I worked there, I only knew two boys who were 'out' in the sixth form and there were about 400 kids in year 12+13 combined (albeit there were also girls in the sixth form). Obviously some may also have been out to friends rather than staff etc. One of those was a truly amazing kid who spoke out about how difficult he had found it to come out. A few boys each year would also leave to go to the local girls school which took boys in the sixth form for Year 12 and a couple had non typical for boys hobbies (dancing) and I suspect would have found their tribe more from day one in a school with girls.

I think that so much about social groupings is down to luck, but I'm now a mum of two boys and I wouldn't send either of them to an all boys school, regardless of what type of boy they are, as I don't think that environment is good for anyone. I'm also quite a fan of girls schools so I'm not against single sex education for them. I think it's really hard though if neither option is ideal and you need to make a decision in the round.

If the schools were equal I would chose co-ed for any boy but especially one who prefers the company of girls. However is sounds like the boys school may be academically better, smaller and with better extracurriculars so in this situation I would send him there and hope he finds boys like him there. My brother went to a selective boys school and did well even though it was a very masculine rugby focused school and he was not that type of boy. He was happy there and I don't believe he would have been happy at the co-ed comp.