How do I help DD best?

[AmazonianWarrior]

A bit of background. DD is in year 6. We moved last May as the secondary schools in the area where we lived were not very good. I looked at a lot of data and we moved to what is the best school in the town where we live. She got into the school and we were all very happy. She has been looking forward to walking to school for the first time ever in her life, with the daughter of our neighbour who is currently in Year 8 and they are good friends, and with a couple of other girls in the neighbourhood, one of whom is also currently in year 6 in a local primary school. Because of us moving last year, we are 25-30 minute drive away from her primary school so it’s quite a trek. However, I’m really going to miss not driving her to school anymore; I’ve been driving her since she was 3 and started nursery.
She’s been in her primary school since Feb Year 3. She was not happy in her first school and there were a number of issues that us parents raised to the school but they didn’t address them and a few of us moved their children. DD wanted to move but then after the move she was sad and missed her old school and her friend (we keep in touch and the girls are still good friends and we do meet up regularly). She then made friends with several children in her new school and settled in so well!
Tonight DD came down after bedtime and sat on my lap, snuggled up and then started crying, telling me that she wanted to go to the secondary school that’s very close to her current primary school, as most of her friends will be going there and she’ll miss her friends so much! We didn’t want her to go to that secondary school as it’s not a very good school. She knows this. But she was very upset about not being able to go to the same secondary school as her friends and she cried a lot. I could understand her. My heart goes out to her! My darling girl!
I know it’s an uncomfortable feeling being in a new environment where you don’t know anyone (ok, she does know our neighbours’ year 8 daughter, the year 6 girl from the neighbourhood and a girl she made friends with on Transition day. She had 2 transition mornings and a full transition day along with the handful of other students who are transitioning from their school on their own) but this girl is not going to be in the same tutor group as her, and neither is the other girl who lives in our neighbourhood.
She was very upset about this too, when we found out.
The thing is, I know that she’s so good at making friends and she is such a lovely person, I know it’s scary, worrying and uncomfortable right now, but I know she’ll make new friends and she’ll thrive.
We cuddled and talked and she calmed down but it took an hour and she’ll probably bring it up again. She said she wanted to go to the school where all her friends will go and I can understand that but we moved to live here because we believe this is the best thing for her. I told her this too.
How can I best support her with the transition to secondary school? How can I help her to be resilient and happy?
Has anyone else had this sort of predicament before? I want to do my best by her. Thank you 💓

I would let her go to the one her friends are going to. Just because the other one is - I presume - more academic, doesn’t mean she will be happy. It’s all too easy to tell her she will make more friends, but when all your friends are at another school it will be so hard for her.

making new friends as a teenager is a lot harder than doing it as a kid.

What is so bad about the school her mates are going to?

I know you feel you’re doing the best for her, but my parents did a similar thing for me (not exactly the same but similar enough) and I ended up so lonely and dropping out at 15, whilst all my friends flourished.

Please consider everything when choosing her high school. Not just league tables.

It’s not that simple. School places have been allocated already.
The school her friends go to is a 30 minute drive away. It’s just not a well performing school, and doesn’t have good reputation. The other school has excellent reputation, pastoral care and it’s a very good school.
She makes friends wherever she goes.
I’m asking for help about supporting her, not changing the school choice.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience! Did you keep in touch with your friends? We fully intend to keep in touch with them, and she never had issues making friends.
We weren’t just looking at ‘league tables’ but visited the schools too, and the one we opted for had a really good feel about it. She liked it too. We also applied to a grammar school and she did the 11+ but she didn’t quite get enough points, we could see her heart was not into it and it was too academic for her. The school we chose is the right fit and we want to support her. The teachers, her head of year and the SEND department have also been really helpful and supportive during the transition mornings and transition day.

It may be possible if you give the other school a call (without telling you daughter) they still may be able to allocate a place before term commences. There will also likely be a school bus service or some sort of transport that can take her to the other school, I wouldn’t let transport stop things, I attended a school 45 minutes away at one point. She may have to agree to get up earlier but that is a price she’d have to be willing to pay.

i do think it’s worth speaking to the other school about available places and any concerns about their rep and exam results and pastoral care.

I’m sorry, but a school with a good reputation and pastoral care doesn’t always mean the students are all happy and hard working. But pastoral care is something she will certainly be needing if you remove her away from all of her friends at her age.

what do the parents of her friends think RE the school? Why are they sending their children if it’s so bad?

I know you’re asking for advice on how to support her, but I genuinely think it’s a mistake moving her again at the age she is now when she’s forged friendships. It’s so hard to keep a friendship group going when you’re left out of everything, which in this case she will be as she will be attending another school all alone.

No, I didn’t keep in touch with them. we all tried at first. I was left out of everything as I’d left the school and we ended up losing touch. Not really anyone’s fault but it’s difficult (especially in the age of social Media) where she will see her mates in school hanging out without her. I’m not saying they will forget about her, but there’s a difference began a friend you see every day, and a friend you only see every so often as they’re half an hour away. The dynamics totally change.

if she was nursery or primary school age (ks1) id say by all means consider it. But at the age she is now, no.

im glad the school and teachers seem nice but id urge you to listen to your daughters thoughts and take them on board. She can always move the following year if she still wants to and doesn’t mind being the new girl, but i would give her friends school a chance.

it’s obviously up to you what you do as you’re the parent. she doesn’t want to go, but at the end of the day it’s your choice as you’re not he adult. Just giving you the thoughts of someone whose parents did this and who it didn’t work out for.

They send their children there because it’s local and convenient. They all live in the same village and in walking distance to the school.
There is absolutely no bus service.
I work in a secondary school and students cease to be friends with friends from primary school all the time. They form new friendships and move on from old ones.
I went to a boarding school for a year and made friends. I only knew 2 other girls in the whole school, and they were not in my tutor group. After 1 year I went back to my home town and went to a secondary school there. I didn’t know a soul and made lots of friends and enjoyed my time there.
My husband also moved from one party of the country to another, 4 hours away. He didn’t know anyone apart from his mum, sister and stepdad there. He made friends too.
Everyone has different personalities and I feel like you’re basing your response on your personality. DD makes friends easily and always had a lot of friends. We are not looking to move her to this school we purposely avoided.
I wanted to ask for advice to support her with the transition and I don’t feel heard when I read your responses. I’m sorry you had such a traumatic time and clearly for you going where your friends went would have been a huge help.

@AmazonianWarrior I completely agree with you and I’m bemused at people telling you to send your child to an inferior school just to keep her happy.

I was in a very similar same position to you last year. The majority of DD’s Y6 class, including her closest friends, were all attending the same secondary school but I visited it and was not impressed at all for several reasons. I knew it was not the right school for her. I chose a different one and had weeks of complaints from her, some tears and pleas to switch to the other school as she would miss her friends. I stood my ground. Fast forward one year and DD loves her new school and has made lots of friends. You can read the Y7 Support Thread I started for similar examples from other parents.

Ironically I was speaking to the mum of one DD’s old Y6 friends. She said once all of the kids from the Y6 class started secondary school together, they mainly went their separate ways within a few weeks and formed new friendship groups. Her DD no longer hangs out with any of her Y6 friends. However she is still good friends with DD despite the fact they attend different schools.

Your DD will be absolutely fine.

I would go with saying the places are allocated and can't be changed.

But offer her a bit of an out that if she is still unhappy after year 7 you will consider moving her.

I find this really difficult because I was miserable at school and there were other options, good options but I wasn't allowed to explore them.

I went to a secondary school none of my friends went to and was absolutely fine. Made new friends in seconds. My 2 best friends from primary parted ways as soon as they got to secondary. For various reasons I'm my area kids tend to disperse for secondary but never seem to have problems making new friends. Sounds like your daughter is just having a wobble probably because the kids at her current school are all talking about secondary, going to inductions and it's an exciting time. It's lovely that you've noticed and you care. Just keep positive about the new school. Walking to school on it's own is a great positive. I'm sure things will improve for her once term ends.

She will be fine come September. My child went to a secondary with nobody else from her primary, and made friends quickly. She had to!
Keep her distracted over summer, let her stay in touch with the old school and current year 6 friends as she likes but encourage her to go in on September open minded.

These things seem like a massive deal (especially to her) now but you've made a decision on the school, stick to it. In a few months it'll all be grand, she'll have met and gelled with new friends and it's highly likely the old friendship group wouldn't be as close as they go through secondary together anyway.

I had this wobble at the end of year 6. So did both my children. Schools make such a big deal of leaving. The assemblies, hoodies, ceremonies. I sobbed my heart out for most of the day on my last day of primary school! Two weeks later I was so excited to start secondary, I was begging my mum to buy me pens and books!

It’s scary for her and she must feel left out of chats with her current school friends but you’re doing the right thing. You need to listen to her and let her be sad and worried. Remind her why you’ve made the choices you have and how proud you are of her ability to make new friends and be brave, that sort of thing.
Once school has finished for the summer and she’s spending more time with those going to her new school, she may get more excited. The move is daunting but everyone (mostly!) goes through it and often thrives.
It’s challenges like this that help us all grow and develop self-confidence in our own abilities.
You may have to reassure over the next couple of months, but parenting involves a lot of that when they reach this age!

Yes, it's big and scary, and unknown right now. But you made a decision for reasons that were right for you and your family.

Stick with the allocated school and the freedom to walk. It will be worth it if it is the right school.

Make plans to see existing friends over the summer - and o es from the new school if you can.

There are many children who are going to a secondary school where they don’t know many others. It’s a great opportunity to make new friends and widen the social circle. She may well find that she’s in a form group where there are other ‘singles’ so they just get together.

Send her to the school that you think will be the best fit and give her the best opportunities. That’s the one you chose, for sound reasons and it will help her independence too.

We moved my son from a secondary school in a normal area t one where there was a middle school system. He was one of only two children who didn't come from one of the two middle schools. He was find and moving him there was the best thing we ever did for him.

It might be worth having a word with the school about her being one of the only children from her primary. Ds's school were aware of this and made sure to keep an eye. But friendship groups are generally all split up anyway.

OP, your daughter will make friends at her new school! I think choosing schools is a nightmare - my children are in their thirties and I can still wonder whether I made the right choice - fortunately, you never get to read the other ending, All I can say is that as a parent, you have to do what you think best - yes, it’s scary for the DC going to a new environment where they don’t know anyone, but your DD will make friends and she will thrive and do well. Courage, OP!

I echo comments that children rapidly change friendship groups in year 7. You cannot base important decisions on maintaining primary friendships. Encourage your daughter to use her mobile phone to keep in touch with old friends and offer to take her to or host meet ups. Leaving primary school is a big step and this is just a wobble. She will be fine.

I’m incredibly grateful for all your positive, supportive and helpful, kind, encouraging comments! Thank you so much to all of you lovely ladies, for taking the time to write back!
I spoke with my neighbour, we became friends since we moved here last year in May. She has two DDs, in year 4 and year 8. Her year 8 was in the same situation as my DD and her comments echoes what you ladies are saying. Her DD knew nobody there but she made lots of lovely friends and she’ll school is great. My DD was all good this morning and hasn’t even mentioned her anxieties from last night although I’m sure this is not the last I’ve heard of it, but I’ll be there yo live her and support her through it.
There’s 1 thing I’m wondering about and I’d love your thoughts please.
DD is in the process of getting a CAMHS referral from her primary school, as we strongly suspect that she has inattentive ADHD. She is a typical case for girls’ ADHD - she masks in school so they had no idea but a few things happened and they are doing the CAMHS referral for her. She is also getting additional help in school and outside of school too, to help her manage big emotions and help with being impulsivity and inattentiveness. In school she is very well behaved, she is very bright but has some issues around self esteem and confidence. We are always very supportive and positive at home but I know the low confidence and issues with not knowing how to re-regulate after a disappointment, can come from the ADHD as I have these too (and on the waiting list for diagnosis for 1.5 years and counting, hopefully not much longer as I recently went with the NHS RTC path…)
So DD being the only student going from her school and due to the SEND aspect as well maybe, she did have 2 additional transition mornings on top of the transition day, at the new school. She made friends with 1 girl but then they put them on different sides of the school. I didn’t u destined what this meant but basically the students on Side A don’t meet with the students on Side B as their breaks are at different times. DD is on Side B and the 4 people she knows are all on Side A.
I told the school that she was anxious and worried that she won’t know anyone ad she won’t be able to see her friends with them being on the other side. The school said that they’ll keep an eye, give her a buddy, and help her, but that I’m to let them know if after 2 weeks she still feels like this. They also said that whilst they can’t take existing friendships into account (understandable) they will take advice from her primary school.
Should I ask her primary school class teacher and the SENCO to contact her secondary school and recommend that to help her settle easier and to reduce the anxiety, they should put her on the A side as she has friends there and that’d help DD?
Thank you so much for all your help! 💝

My son's school had the Side A & B thing. In your dd's particular circumstane I would maybe contact the school and ask if a swap would be possible. I know of someone who was swopped as ds's school. It isn't asking for them to be in the same tutor group as a friend which I would never advise but she they may not be aware that she knows no-one else at all. It's not about taking existing friendships into account, it is literally knowing no-one else in the school.

thats what happens when you move for a ‘better school’ it doesn’t make children happy and they often don’t meet their full potential as they aren’t happy, but that not what you want to hear as you think you played the system and won.

I think it is completely normal for children to be worried about going to secondary school, especially those who are not going with a huge bunch of primary friends. My DS is going to grammar school in September and only knows a few boys too. He has done a transition day, we got the uniform, spent time looking at the clubs on the website, school trips etc, some research into the history of the school, practised the school run etc and he is much happier now about it. He does have 1 close friend in his new form, but most of his primary friends are all going to the same school and chatting about it which does make things hard. My DS has looked at the detail of the school though and understands why it is a better fit for him. Did you go through the website, results, languages, clubs etc etc offered that make this a better school so she can understand why you chose it?

Does your DD have any hobbies? For ADHD sports tend to be really important and teams? Does she do that? Does the new school offer that?

Hi, yes, we talked about it, looked at it, she was happy until last week.
They have a theatre performance every year with her school and they do 2 weeks of solid preparation, and one day most of the children weren’t there from her year because they had their transition day to the secondary school they are going to. I think they have been talking about that and the school they are going to, and that set her off.
DD is very sporty, she has been swimming since she was 3 months old but she recently stopped that and stopped gymnastics too. She wanted to try something else instead of swimming, so she started modern and step dance, her choice. At gymnastics they moved the times and we couldn’t make it but will find her a new class once we see her timetable and program in secondary. Her secondary does a lot of fun clubs, she says she doesn’t want to do any of them but hopefully she’ll change her mind when she starts making friends!
I wish your DS all the best in secondary school too!

It is probably feeling huge now because she is leaving primary, leaving behind all the familiar things. We moved house for an incredible secondary, the secondary that my child would have fed into from their primary was just rated good, pastoral shit, discipline out the window so we know we made the right choice. My friend's children went to that secondary and it lived up to its reputation.

My children both went to the secondary where they knew no one, they did the extra transition days so there would be some familiar faces. Both made friends quickly and kept those friends all the way through. They are now 22 and 19 and still see those friends.

You chose the secondary for good reason and you just have to reassure her it will be okay, tell her you completely understand her worries and everyone worries about secondary. Do some walks up to the new school with her over summer so she can get a feel for it before she starts.

Thank you so much for your reassurance and for telling me about your own experiences! I really appreciate it!
I’ll keep on doing that and reassuring her. We have gone to the new school several times, she knows the route and she also went to the big transition day with her friend. I think she’d be much more comfortable if she could be on the same side as the 3 friends she has, so fingers crossed. Either way, I’m sure she’ll make friends soon enough, thankfully so far she’s always been so good with making lovely friends.

@AmazonianWarrior Usually on transition day here they are in their new class with their new teacher so they have already been sorted into forms. Did this happen for you? If not contact the school immediately to request that your DD is in the same form as her year 6 friend. They probably won't be seated together but they will be in the same mass of students walking to their next class together.

Ds1 was sat alphabetically, sat next to a truly lovely boy, joined him at break as they were chatting, he had a group of mates from primary so they joined them and that group pretty much stayed together all the way through. Ds2 spent his first break and lunch walking around so he looked like he had somewhere to be rather than standing around. By day 4 someone asked him if he was okay as he was just walking about, that then led to a friendship with a group of boys. Before that he was talking to anyone he sat next to in classes so that was nice too. Ds2 is a little quirky so I am glad he found people exactly like him.

Children are excited by the new people and eager to make new friends. Both of mine went to clubs, Ds2 started attending one in year 7 and that continued all the way through to year 11. They were gutted to leave it.

That’s so lovely!! Thank you for sharing it!
Yes, she did have her full transition day a few weeks ago, that’s when it transpired that she was not put in the same tutor group and even on the same side as the 3 girls she knows. I requested this immediately. The head of year said to give it 2 weeks next year and if she’s not made friends, they’ll reconsider it but she also said they will take advice from her primary school as she is getting a CAMHS referral for the suspected ADHD. I asked her primary school SENCO and her class teacher (who is also assistant headteacher) to support DD with this request. I’m waiting to hear back.