How do I help DD best?

[AmazonianWarrior]

A bit of background. DD is in year 6. We moved last May as the secondary schools in the area where we lived were not very good. I looked at a lot of data and we moved to what is the best school in the town where we live. She got into the school and we were all very happy. She has been looking forward to walking to school for the first time ever in her life, with the daughter of our neighbour who is currently in Year 8 and they are good friends, and with a couple of other girls in the neighbourhood, one of whom is also currently in year 6 in a local primary school. Because of us moving last year, we are 25-30 minute drive away from her primary school so it’s quite a trek. However, I’m really going to miss not driving her to school anymore; I’ve been driving her since she was 3 and started nursery.
She’s been in her primary school since Feb Year 3. She was not happy in her first school and there were a number of issues that us parents raised to the school but they didn’t address them and a few of us moved their children. DD wanted to move but then after the move she was sad and missed her old school and her friend (we keep in touch and the girls are still good friends and we do meet up regularly). She then made friends with several children in her new school and settled in so well!
Tonight DD came down after bedtime and sat on my lap, snuggled up and then started crying, telling me that she wanted to go to the secondary school that’s very close to her current primary school, as most of her friends will be going there and she’ll miss her friends so much! We didn’t want her to go to that secondary school as it’s not a very good school. She knows this. But she was very upset about not being able to go to the same secondary school as her friends and she cried a lot. I could understand her. My heart goes out to her! My darling girl!
I know it’s an uncomfortable feeling being in a new environment where you don’t know anyone (ok, she does know our neighbours’ year 8 daughter, the year 6 girl from the neighbourhood and a girl she made friends with on Transition day. She had 2 transition mornings and a full transition day along with the handful of other students who are transitioning from their school on their own) but this girl is not going to be in the same tutor group as her, and neither is the other girl who lives in our neighbourhood.
She was very upset about this too, when we found out.
The thing is, I know that she’s so good at making friends and she is such a lovely person, I know it’s scary, worrying and uncomfortable right now, but I know she’ll make new friends and she’ll thrive.
We cuddled and talked and she calmed down but it took an hour and she’ll probably bring it up again. She said she wanted to go to the school where all her friends will go and I can understand that but we moved to live here because we believe this is the best thing for her. I told her this too.
How can I best support her with the transition to secondary school? How can I help her to be resilient and happy?
Has anyone else had this sort of predicament before? I want to do my best by her. Thank you 💓

Hi, it looks like so many people are convinced that keeping a child in a local school with old friends woudl be the best solution. I see where you are coming from , OP, and I’m with you on that one- you have done your research and know your child well.

I'm in a similar situation, plus my daughter is also neurodivergent , so transition is a big step. She doesn’t know anyone in her new secondary

im trying to reach out to other new year 7 parents and see if we can have some local play dates to find travel buddies and possibly make day 1 less stressful:)

this might work for your daughter , as you are saying that she’s good at making friends.
she might make new friends from her new school over the summer and look forward to being with them in September

good luck to both of you, you’ve got this!

That’s a great idea!! Thank you 🩷
I’m wishing you and your DD all the best for the summer, the play dates and for secondary school! 💞

Just wanted to say, your long conversation with her at bedtime will have let her offload all those worries. I'm sure she's feeling much better about it just from sharing them with you! But now you feel a bit wobbly!

You've done amazing already to support her so well during that prolonged chat. She's going to do great, hang in there, after the first few days you'll forget about the worries!

Also there are pros and cons about being on the same side as everyone she knows who she's not that good friends with. The downside is that she might hang out with acquaintances rather than put effort into making really good friends. The upside is it will be less stressful in the first few days. I think the school strategy of reviewing after a couple of weeks sounds ok.

Ps we've got a new year 7 support thread if you want to join it!

You’ve done absolutely the right thing, the suggestion of a previous poster that you should let her go to the other school with her friends is madness. Friendships change and move on and you have to trust you’ve done the right thing for her. She’ll have virtually forgotten about it by the end of year 7. Just to say though do expect it to go on for a bit. In my experience we had a lot of “I wish I was at x school” until about feb half term with both mine and then never heard another word about it and they were completely happy at the chosen school

Thank you so so much!!
Her primary sent an email to her secondary recommending that she is at least on the same side as the children she knows, even if not in the same tutor group. IDK if they will, but I agree with what you’re saying and I’m sure she’ll be ok!
Yes please, I’d love to join your Year 7 support thread please!
Thank you very much for your kind, helpful words, encouragement and support! 💖

Can you focus on activities over the summer to build her confidence in doing new things in a v safe way? Any sports camps/ art camps? Doing something new as a family?
in similar circs we did canoeing etc and go ape / hiking type things to grow confidence in safe environments.

There is a martial arts camp that I was hoping she’d like to go to, she expressed interest in martial arts before, and I thought this would be great for her confidence. It’s 2 days, but she says she doesn’t want go! 😳
We will be going on holiday together, the 3 of us, with my husband/her Dad, and her and me are also going to my home country for 10 days, so we will have lots of quality time together. 💝

You could use the travel and trips to build her confidence- get her to plan routes/ trips, try new things, whatever they are. Go into shops etc on her own to buy something, loots of opportunities to build her confidence in trying new things.