11+ and mental health

[Rahatr]

To those who have DC who prepared well for the 11+ and got to go to good grammar schools or private schools how did their 11+ preparation affect their mental health?

DS1 was in a very bad way with stress by the time of the exams - he was successful in getting in.

It may depend on where you live, but if there is a definite backup option (state or private) that you’re all ok with, that really helps to take the pressure off. We had those options, and so our DC went into selective school exams relatively relaxed.

I'm in my mid 20s and the 11+ absolutely wrecked me mental health wise. Hours of tuition, past papers and getting shouted at. Not ever been allowed to relax at the school holidays. Constant 11+ papers and tution.

Being drilled into me that if I went to the local comprehensive my life would be shit. (The school wasn't very good, the people weren't very bright and the kids were not well behaved)

I remember crying when not getting a scholarship at one of the private schools. I think I also got told "well you should have worked harder".

Thankfully I went to a good state grammar, got good GCSEs and A-levels and smashed uni

@Rahatr I think it depends on your parents and school you attend. My dc both did well for 11+ and did not have stress around it. But, their school was removed from the 11+ so they felt no stress about it. Only a small group did it and children were supportive about it when speaking. I think the parents are the ones that might feel more stress of it. And as long as you do not pass it on to the children, then they can get through it without much stress.

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Sorry to hear about the pressure put in you. I went to a superselective grammar school. I had a tutor once a week. The first tutor made me anxious so my parents switched me to another one, who was lovely. I also did the homework she set, but quite enjoyed that. I was nervous on the day of the test but not particularly stressed at other times.

I’m not sure why you’re posting

is it to slag your parents off? Because you could reframe that to be really grateful to them that they were prepared to keep putting the effort in, despite what sounds like a recalcitrant child, as it has good end results for you.

is it to query fir your child? My answer to that would be not particularly, I luckily had children who understood the benefit.

I'm in my mid 20s and the 11+ absolutely wrecked me mental health wise. Hours of tuition, past papers and getting shouted at. Not ever been allowed to relax at the school holidays. Constant 11+ papers and tution.

This is everything to do with your parents and not the 11+.

I personally did the 11+ and none of this resonates with me because it wasn’t the experience my parents put me through.

I think just doing the grammar schools would have been fine. But all the private school tests was too much for me.

My DSC and DD did the 11+ - they all passed.
We encouraged them but didn't force them to do it or beast them with homework. They had a modest amount of tutoring - mostly to learn exam techniques and gain some confidence. Their efforts were rewarded - DSS got a Chinese takeaway once a week for example.
They all had or learnt a good work ethic for studying and it's been really useful for years. DSD is studying for a PhD so it didn't put her off.
It's not just the exam, its how you support your kids through it - plus their innate personalities - all 3 kids actually enjoy learning and don't hate studying. If they had been less willing we probably wouldn't have pushed it - the other local schools are fine but DD in particular would have found the local comp challenging.

How is he coping with being in that school now? Is there a lot of pressure with the whole school being very capable?

This is about your family.

Not the 11+ and MH.

I agree with the majority that are saying that this is an issue between you and your parents. I'm sorry you had that experience.

My DD is at grammar school. She was keen to go to grammar so was genuinely happy to do some home prep (workbooks) during Y5 - and we paid for her to attend two mock tests for exam room experience. There were no cross words and no tears. She was a bit nervous before the test, but no more than for a music exam. It was all very straightforward.

It isn't always such a big deal as you / your parents made it.

Are you trying to find out if you need to blame your parents?

I did the 11+ (did well and went to a grammar) and I don't think it affected my mental health in the slightest tbh. I don't even remember being particularly anxious. I did plenty of past papers, my mum is a teacher who did 11+ tuition, so she tutored me.

But past papers and tutoring didn't in anyway impact me, I'd done plenty of homework so I saw it as the same.

Tbh I think I saw tutoring in the same way as any afterschool activity, Monday is gym, Tuesday tutoring, Wednesday brownies.

This sounds like a you and your parents issue

I have a few friends who are similarly traumatised by the 11+ and won’t allow their children to sit it which works well for me as they’re not competition lol.

i grew up in an area with no selective schools and no one knew what the 11+ was (well, apart from being something our parents had done) so don’t come across this attitude much. My daughter is taking one exam (super selective grammar) in September and I don’t think she knows how tough it will be but am watching her closely

But like to succeed surely a bit of stress is needed? Like to get to a super competitive school it will require a lot of work.

You are equating work with stress. I don't agree they have to go together. I do agree some work is required, but that doesn't have to be stressful. It often ends up stressful because either the parents put too much pressure on or the child is not motivated, which causes arguments.

As to how much work is required, that really depends. I know people who have done 3 hours an evening and people who have done 2 hours a week (and both were successful). It partly depends what your starting point is. A top of the class child who is an avid reader will need to do much less work than a middle of the road child. It also depends how vital it is that you get in. I would like my DC to go to grammar school and will be a bit disappointed if they don't get in. I won't let them know that and it won't be the end of the world. So I will be measured in my approach and not make them work loads of hours.

I am another one who passed 4 exams (3 private, 1 grammar), without much stress.
I had a tutor for around 6 months, who taught me the extra maths and VR that I wasn’t learning at my state school. Did some past papers but not millions. I used to enjoy doing the questions!

I think it probably is more competitive now than it was decades ago, but I’m trying to put my daughter through in a similar way.
Once you understand the concepts, it’s about answering in a precise and timely manner.
I can’t really see why anyone would have to spend years and hours preparing….

Just to add, I am sorry that you were put through so much stress , it sounds awful.

I think the stress is more about attitude - yours and the child’s - rather than down to work levels.

DD1 remarkably didn’t get that stressed about 11+ despite being quite an easily stressed personality. She was at a prep school so everyone she knew was also preparing for the 11+ (private entrance mostly) and most of the work was done in school - not hours of after school or weekend prep.

DD2 is going through it at the moment (y5) and is way more stressed. She’s doing any extra work than DD1 did but is just much more aware of and scared of the whole process. I think maybe it’s because she and her friends all have older siblings who’ve done it recently and done well, so they feel the pressure? We are not pressuring her, quite the opposite.

ETA: having said that stress isn’t down to work levels, obviously making a child do hours and hours of prep and have no downtime is horrible, and probably counterproductive.

@Rahatr That sounds awful. What you describe is more about having abusively pushy parents (sadly some parents are just abusively pushy and the 11+ really does bring out the worst in some) than the exams and preparation. There is no need, no need at all to treat a child as your parents and teachers clearly treated you.

My DC all did 11+ prep and were successful at obtaining places at their desired schools (private, we did not apply to grammars). DS2 and 3 currently at a v academic SW London indie and really happy. I wouldn't say 11+ impacted negatively on their mental health at all. But we took a low key approach, one hour of tutoring per week, lots of positive praise and small amounts of daily prep (ie 10 minutes a day) in the run up to the exams. We never made them feel like it was the end of the world if they didn't get in.

My theory is that if you have to do ridiculous amounts of tutoring and preparation to get a child into a school, then they're not going to cope once they're there anyway! So whilst a sensible amount of preparation is essential, there has to be a balance.

I would say with each of our DC they had moments of being frustrated, moments of feeling anxious about the exams, occasionally getting upset if they struggled with a particular set of prep questions. Which is normal I would say for anyone studying for anything. But it was never to extremes. And all the schools we applied to made the assessment days as low key and welcoming as they could, which helped. They mainly came out enthusing about the food

Of course all children are different, and some will by nature find exams more stressful than others. But if a child's mental health is being 'wrecked' by the 11+ then that's probably because of their parents, not the process.

I'm sorry you had to go through what you did.

My tuition teachers were strict but not abusive at all. I learnt a lot. Even though I was terrified of going there every weekend.

Unfortunately though. I remember a different tuition centre/person where he'd genuinely administer corporal punishment to the children he'd teach.

You're in your 20s now (so this was 10-20 years ago) and you were terrified of going to your tuition? And a different tutor at a different tuition centre at that time administered corporal punishment?

Really?

Was this in the UK?

Yes it was. The person was arrested and charged. He's now dead.