Help! How will scatty DS cope at secondary school?

[KitsPoint]

Hello, I would really welcome some advice.

DS starts secondary in September. He is a very bright boy who does well at school, NT/no suspected neurodivergence but he can be SO forgetful and scatty I really worry for him starting at secondary and just getting punished all the time for it.

Examples this weekend alone:

• football Saturday am, asked for the millionth time whether he should wear his footie boots or wear trainers and take boots with him. As per every week since at least January we told him to wear trainers and take boots.
• forgets to take boots with him. Hubby realises as they arrive at footie and has to drive him back in a rush to collect them (not ideal as hubby is one of the coaches and can’t be late).
• leaves bag with inhaler in the car a few streets away instead of taking with him to the pitch. Thankfully he rarely needs it but he knows he should have it with him.
• today, attends a birthday party and leaves his hoodie there.

I know this scatiness isn’t unusual in a pre-teen boy, but obviously secondary is a massive step up with so much more to remember in terms of different sports kit/equipment/books/laptop/instrument etc and of course remembering to take and bring back blazers/jackets etc. And whereas we’ve been able to take eg forgotten football kit to his local primary a 5 min walk away that just won’t be possible at secondary.

We’ve been trying to make him more responsible for remembering his own stuff (we write his clubs etc on the calendar for him to check, telling him we won’t bring forgotten stuff to his primary) it’s only semi-working.

So if you’ve been through similar and have any tips they would be very welcome!

As a PS if people have app recommendations he is not going to have a smartphone but will have a brick phone with a basic calendar/reminder app, and he does have an iPad at home.

Thank you!

My DD is similar. She's had two detentions this term for not handing in homework. She does it... but then leaves it at home or loses it.

We do think she has ADHD

This is not unusual at 10/11.

What does seem weird is the adults not putting in systems such as a ticklist so you don't drive off to football without everything. Stop sorting it afterwards, he is learning not to worry from your approach.

You have two choices - support more effectively or accept natural consequences. At this age I'd put checklists in place and model double checking.

The inhaler is vital so I'd get stricter with that - forget your inhaler, not allowed to play.

It might do him good to get into trouble for things like this, it might make him learn to be less scatty. He hasn’t had to learn because he hasn’t suffered consequences for it so far.

Pretty standard behaviour for boys that age (I don't have girls so maybe girls as well). A simple "do you have your footie boots?" before leaving the house and "do you have your inhaler?" Before leaving the car and all is sorted. You will probably find after a few weeks of asking these questions he starts to get better at remembering them himself.

So to answer your question when he starts Secondary school you help him remember for a bit and he should get it and if he forgets things spending lunchtime in detention every now and then will soon sharpen his mind.

Stop enabling him
let him forget things and suffer the inconvenience and he will soon learn
he needs to find his own methods to remember
give him the tools and make suggestions give him calendars post it notes whatever he needs but he has to set reminders and do it himself

stop pandering , if he forgets his boots he does it in his trainers, the inhaler is the only thing I’d have in my handbag as the consequences could be be serious but he needs to grow into an adult who remembers this stuff

Lots of tough love answers above.

We had similar and there was a (miraculous) improvement when DC had to be responsible and self reliant - although the sports kit did get left on the tube twice (if you’re in London you just then go to the end of the tube line and get it before it gets sent to central lost property never to be seen again…)

So I would suggest if there’s a 2nd hand uniform sale get there quickly and buy extra blazers and sports kit as some will get lost in those early weeks…

A whiteboard in the bedroom can help in DC mapping out the week and adding in extras and reminders, which they can see every morning.

Presumably the school will have some sort of online resource system - firefly or Teams or One Note or similar - and this may enable him to set up tasks and reminders in addition to those set by the teacher and these will show up in his account. He should be able to match these to apps on his iPad. My DC’s school has gone 100% digital and it’s an absolute godsend as it is literally impossible to forget to hand in homework as they do it and save it online and similarly all textbooks and homework tasks are there so you can’t forget your textbook. It’s perfect for neurodiverse and forgetful students.

Does he have an Alexa? I think you can set up reminders on those. So it could wake him up with “good morning, it’s 7am on Monday and you need to take your sports kit today.”

Good Luck. It does seem like a massive step up but most DC do get there in the end. Do prepare him though for the possibility of consequences/detentions. The sanctions at secondary school can come as quite a shock to children who previously had exemplary records.

Lots of support and prompting for the first half term is reasonable but then once they’re used to the timetable and structure of the school day you have to back off and let them learn the hard way.

Also to add, Todoist was recommended to us as an organisation app, although we didn’t end up using it so can’t say how good it is.

Can you do a checklist (by weekday if necessary) for what things he needs to take to school?

Then he can check the list before he goes and make sure he has everything? Remind him to check the list every day until it becomes a habit.

I'm a pretty scatty person. So, what works?

Avoiding moving things where possible (e.g. I have a hairbrush for my rucksack, one for my gym bag, one for the bathroom etc etc). Things like keys are ideally attached to me/to my bag. When I have new things (i.e. I am not yet used to owning them), I have to be extra careful not to take them to high risk places (anywhere where getting them back would be hard or where I am going to be transferring them from place to place regularly, so gloves on a shopping trip into town for example). That's also extra likely if I am going to be particularly engrossed - going somewhere new and extra interesting. That means the start of high school is likely to be especially high risk!

I have to check I have stuff all the time - so for me the key ones are keys, wallet and phone, with extra checks for headphones and gloves.

For things like work, I have a special bag for work and my pass etc all live in there all the time. Another bag for the gym, with everything for that in it. So e.g. for your son it might be a "main" gym bag and an extra football bag that has inhaler/boots/shinpads/socks in it, or whatever.

Or if the inhaler has to go everywhere, it's inhaler, keys, wallet and phone and they always live in the same pockets or whatever.

I don't think you can stop being a scatty person but you can get better coping techniques.

I have still lost 3 hats in the last 12 months though.

Getting everything ready the night before. Then when tired or running late all clothes are set out bag ready and off. Favourite is to leave things in school especially PE kit when Rushing to get to next class.
Good idea about second hand kit as spare though.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom! To pick up on a few points (sorry if I miss any):

• Weekly schedule which he has to fill out and then check each day sounds like a good idea. I think we'll go for a paper one stuck on the fridge.
• We have been enabling him more than we should but sometimes he's eg forgotten his kit for after school football club and we've not taken it - he's had to miss football but it's not suddenly made him up his game and ensure he remembers it. We'd like to support him to put a system in place for him to manage before we leave him to fail if he doesn't follow through with it.
• @Littletreefrog we have generally been doing the "you need your trainers today for PE" type reminder for him but it's not generally instilled in him a habit of remembering himself and if we forget/otherwise don't tell him he will often forget.
• 2nd hand uniform sale for when he inevitably forgets and loses stuff - we've already been and have stocked up! 😜
• To-doist I actually use the basic free app for my task list (I am an odd mix of organised with quite scatty tendencies myself! My mum was a teacher at my school and there were numerous occasions when she would have to bring back my PE kit when she went home for lunch....). We could look into To-doist for DS but I'd rather find a non-tech solution if possible. I don't know what the school has in the way of Teams etc, I think they said they don't use devices a huge amount for the first two years but I should ask how they communicate their timetables and it may be worth me asking for their advice on how to manage the whole issue.
• He does have an Alexa but it may be better to have a single "repository" of what he needs to remember, otherwise setting all the Alexa reminders is another thing he needs to remember. But worth us thinking about.
• @Ineffable23 thanks for your suggestions, you've obviously put a lot of thought and effort into creating and following system that works for you. I think DS is a way off having your motivation to do so though. So, eg, we could tell him 'make sure you always keep your football boots in the bag you take to football' and he'll just forget and chuck them at the back of the cupboard regardless. But something to aspire to!
• Yes, getting ready the night before as far as possible is an absolute must - will make this a focus for him.

Thank you!

We made a bag system. Each sport/extra curricular had its own bag and when stuff came out of the wash or was finished with it lived in the bag. So the ballet bag had all the ballet stuff in it, football bag had all the football stuff in it etc.

ime you do need to help them set up systems that work for them. Lots of spare uniform is also a good idea - it’s inevitable some will be lost.

if he’s the kind of kid to lose keys put a key box on the front of the house then he only needs to remember the code for it.

sit with him and pack his bag every evening for the next day (or my DD’s preferred method - keep all books in locker then they cannot be at home).

folder for homework pieces of paper.

buy multipacks of pens (you can get boxes of 50 from Amazon) and pencils so they can put them in their blazer and multiple bags.

With mine I had to scaffold them, you cant expect them to go from hopeless to excellent in one jump. And equally he has to feel some pain in order to focus in on his own need to improve because he wants it and not fake improvement because you are the one doing the remembering

Get him to sit down and write a list of what he needs for school each day of the week, and each after school activity he does. He should do this on his own.

Then sit down and go through the list with him. Point out if he has forgotten any items or activities.

Then leave him to rewrite the list. Go back and go through it again. Did he remember everything?

Repeat this step until he has written the list completely himself.

Then ask him where he thinks the list should live to have the best chance of success.

Then ask if he thinks having an alarm go off to remind him to look at the list would be a good idea. Then help him set the alarm and check it is set correctly.

Then agree on how many times you will rescue him if he forgets something. With my DC I had a 3 strikes and you are out policy. It meant that if they forgot something crucial, they knew they had backup, but if they used a strike on something insignificant then they might be in trouble later in the school year. One dc went to school in slippers and then decided not to call me..he changed into his PE trainers for the day (solve his problem on his own) and never forgot his shoes again.

Then run the plan for a few weeks and then sit down and review it with him. How is it working, can he think of anything he wants to add, remove or change? Approach it from the perspective that it is his system that has to work with how his brain works,so it has to be customized for him.

Also get him to research online for different ways to help yourself remember things, he might find doing the research interesting and will help him focus on finding a solution

My eldest has dyspraxia and we just provided much more scaffolding for much longer. It really took her until at least y10.

. A place for everything and everything in its place
. Pencil case in school bag and at home so school one never leaves bag at home
. Checklists and copy of timetable downstairs, and we went through checklist with her each morning
. All messages to be written in planner, no attempting to remember
. Homework due dates written in planner so remember to take in
. Tell us every evening what homework has been set

The latter one was interesting. From y7-y9 her process was this:
. Come home take bag upstairs
. Come downstairs
. We ask whether she has homework
. She says can't remember I'll go and check
. Goes back upstairs to get planner
. Come back downstairs

DD2 would walk in the door and say 'I've got Maths homework'

If he can't then he can't. Don't set him up to fail.
But if he can, set up the processes, help him learn them, then leave him to it.

No additional advice but just to say I have sympathy because my 14 year old is still terrible for forgetting and losing stuff.

Punishment doesn't help eg he got a detention for forgetting something, forgot to go to the detention and got an afterschool detention. No improvement. Also natural consequences also don't seem to help. Eg he'd just be aad at missing his activity but still wouldn't remember his stuff the next time.

We keep trying lists and reminders but they have only helped slightly. When out of the house he just puts things down and forgets them. He's lost three coats and countless gloves plus my husband had to go to lost property and the end of the train line twice for bags left on the train.

No phones in school so we got a reminder watch that buzzes on his wrist to remind him about things. But he's lost at least three of these because he has to take it off for PE.

🤷‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I use lists esp for football! I listed what needed to be taken to training/matches and we would check it every time.
after a while he got it.

they grow up massively from 11-12yrs.

multiple items is also helpful (glasses for us!) spare in bag/at school. Yes to football bag with the right items in it! Same with PE bag.

yr 7 the teachers are aware that kids will forget stuff.
Depends on to school as to how the school manages this.

Following for ideas - my DS has ADHD and this is a massive worry for me as he moves up to secondary. I also have ADHD and it’s like the blind leading the blind, as I can barely organise myself let alone be organised enough for two!

ADHD kid here. We do have a gazillion apps which help enormously - school set everything on them so no idea how that works without smart phones, but the non-smart phone things we use.

Get a load of zip folders from Amazon and have one for each subject - stops scrumpled bits of paper at bottom of bag.

Two identical pencil cases with identical contents - one for school that never leaves the school bag. One for home. That way it doesn't get forgotten.

Pack bag the evening before - never leave it till the morning.

Pray that your school has PE kit instead of uniform on PE days - makes life so much easier.

I have ADHD and write myself a 'wrist list' up my arm. It's literally the ONLY way I can remember anything - if I write notes on my phone I forget to look at it. No good writing on the back of my hand because it washes off. So wrist-list it is!

I know you say he is NT but honestly he sounds like my Dyspraxic 13 year old. He also gas dyslexia with can come with a lack of organisational skills. Is he dyslexic by any chance?

Your post sounds like my son. My husband is just as bad at 43 🙈

I double check everything before they go to football or anywhere. He is going on a school trip for 3 days in June and I'm very worried at how he is going to organise himself but maybe it will be good for him as he'll have to think for himself!

Checklists can help but I gave to remind mine to check the checklist! Sorry I am not of much help other than to say you are not alone! Best of luck

When my DD with ADHD started secondary, we used to sort out what she needed for the next day in the evening. We did it together for the first term to get in to the routine, then just prompted for the second term with a 'have you got x, y, z?' at the door as she left. This was also combined with lots of time checks to make sure she caught her train.

I think you need to start doing the door check - have you got? - rather than reminding him beforehand and then going back when he has forgotten. If he is forgetful, he needs to practise the 'have I got x, y, z'? just as he leaves the house/car/bus so that it becomes instinct for him.

For sevondary school i would have a visual timetable ( images not words) laminated in his room.

I make him do his bag the night before. Check your timetable. What do you need? Maths book, history book, art folder, pe kit. Put everything ready. I'd also get him to put his uniform out ready for the morning.

I would have a homework folder Wher he keeps his homework journal and any homework prink outs. That way he can keep everything in one place. I'd make him do homework on the day it's given.

From then on unfortunately I'd let him suffer the consequences of his disorganisation. He'll get detentions for forgetting things and that might motivate him to remember. If your running about fixing things for him what motivation does he have to be organised?

Be aware that secondary schools communicate lots of information directly to the kids, so you need him to have a method of reliably getting this back to you if you’re going to help pack his bag every night.

e.g in food tech - next Tuesday is practical. We’ll be doing recipe 1 from your workbook, or in PE - next lesson is cross country so you’ll need polo tops rather than rugby kit.

As a parent it’s a big change and our school only gave leeway for the first couple of weeks. They really do need to learn to listen and retain information in school about what’s needed and when for different lessons over and above the basic maths book and calculator for maths etc.

Honestly they manage. I have had maybe a couple of emergency trips to school with forgotten stuff, but they learn and I can’t always rescue him. I remind the night before and in the morning but he knows if he forgets something that is on him. We have a whiteboard with his timetable on so he knows what books to take, we now do weekly checks of pencil case/ empty bag as he wouldn’t tell us when he ran out of pens/ rulers etc.

Label EVERYTHING! Calculator, water bottle, shoes. I put a knock off Apple tag in pe kit which proved invaluable.