Help! How will scatty DS cope at secondary school?

[KitsPoint]

Hello, I would really welcome some advice.

DS starts secondary in September. He is a very bright boy who does well at school, NT/no suspected neurodivergence but he can be SO forgetful and scatty I really worry for him starting at secondary and just getting punished all the time for it.

Examples this weekend alone:

• football Saturday am, asked for the millionth time whether he should wear his footie boots or wear trainers and take boots with him. As per every week since at least January we told him to wear trainers and take boots.
• forgets to take boots with him. Hubby realises as they arrive at footie and has to drive him back in a rush to collect them (not ideal as hubby is one of the coaches and can’t be late).
• leaves bag with inhaler in the car a few streets away instead of taking with him to the pitch. Thankfully he rarely needs it but he knows he should have it with him.
• today, attends a birthday party and leaves his hoodie there.

I know this scatiness isn’t unusual in a pre-teen boy, but obviously secondary is a massive step up with so much more to remember in terms of different sports kit/equipment/books/laptop/instrument etc and of course remembering to take and bring back blazers/jackets etc. And whereas we’ve been able to take eg forgotten football kit to his local primary a 5 min walk away that just won’t be possible at secondary.

We’ve been trying to make him more responsible for remembering his own stuff (we write his clubs etc on the calendar for him to check, telling him we won’t bring forgotten stuff to his primary) it’s only semi-working.

So if you’ve been through similar and have any tips they would be very welcome!

As a PS if people have app recommendations he is not going to have a smartphone but will have a brick phone with a basic calendar/reminder app, and he does have an iPad at home.

Thank you!

In the first year (7) I would put post it notes on homework book in blazer pocket particularly for things like instrument lessons which were at a different time each week.
Listening skills are important at my eldest’s school you only got told information once.

I mollycoddle mine (y7) so make his bag every day, put out his clothes, go through homework with him to see that all is done/he's understood what to do. He's highly sensitive and very anxious so it helps him. Slowly starting to withdraw step by step. Our goal is for him to be more independant in year 8. Oh, and I'm a sahm so probably couldn't be as available if I worked. I know my mum never was and I was independant when I was 8 years old. I do think I grew up too quckly why this might have influenced me in wanting my children to have a longer period of insouciance..

I did worry as I had a scatty yr 6 but he just did miraculously step up/get it on starting high school.

I wouldn't worry too much as they tend to get it once they start secondary. My two went to the same very strict secondary and the older one is the more forgetful one. A few detentions are not the end of the world and will keep them in check.

The older one has lost numerous travel cards, lunch cards, calculators, books you name it and at 18 he is still scatty but better. The younger one is super organised and packs his bag before school but a few lost items are in my opinion very common.

Thanks for the further comments.
I have questioned myself as to whether there may be any ND at play but while I’m not an expert, aside from the scatiness there are few signs.

He’s prone to hyper-focus which I know can be a sign of ADHD but he’s always been good at focusing on school work/homework even when he finds it boring, so attention doesn’t seem to be an issue. He’s not restless or impulsive, or someone who talks or interrupts a lot.

He had awful handwriting when he was younger and has worked really really hard on this- it’s better but not exactly pretty. Otherwise his fine motor skills are excellent (he built complex and fiddly Lego and other models from an early age), but his gross motor skills aren’t amazing and he’s never going to be an A team sports player. But if I look at a list of symptoms for dyspraxia aside from the handwriting and the fairly average sports ability none of them really applies.

I’d be astounded if he was dyslexic as he’s always been good with spelling and writing (handwriting aside), maths word problems, sequencing etc and is a voracious reader.

But the tips from those with children with ADHD and dyslexia etc are very helpful, thank you.

I’m not suggesting you should home school, but I did with my daughter for different reasons, and one of the things I noticed was how much more relaxing the entire household was. No last minute trying to find things that had been left at school, no digging bits of forgotten paperwork out of her bag, no packing her sports uniform but forgetting that she needed a faction t shirt on that day instead of a normal t shirt… the list of random crap both of us were always forgetting was long and exhausting.

With ND children, you are told to think of their executive function being about 3 years delayed and to scaffold as you would for a child of that age and have expectations in line with that.

I do think it's worth bearing in mind for kids who are NT but somewhat challenged on that front.

I have certainly found that DD - now 16, has gradually become a lot more organised and I now give her a chance to just do things but I will know what is needed so I can step in if necessary. I don't think there is anything wrong in giving a more gentle path to self sufficiency.

The other thing I have always done is have her school email account on my outlook, and access to things like Teams. School use a homework app that has a pupil and a parent section, so I don't have to ask what homework she has as I can see it on my phone.

I have noticed vast number of parents have suddenly got themselves access to their child's school email in Y11 lest our cherubs let something vital go unread. Prevention definitely better than cure!

I have a dc who is/was exactly like this. Tough love strategies don't work, because he genuinely didn't want to forget stuff, he just couldn't help it. Also very bright, head was clearly in the clouds dealing with more important stuff.

I also wondered about dyslexia and adhd, but both his primary and secondary schools were clear there was no underlying explanation.

Anyway, he had three PE kits on rotation in years 7 and 8, as at least one and a half kits were missing at any one time. He kept a kit with the Games teacher for a while.

I packed his bag in year 7, then he just carried absolutely everything with him for the rest of school. Heavy, but at least he didn't forget anything.

He successfully got through his entire school career without a detention.

Definitely ND kids don't have a monopoly on being scatty and disorganised!

And whilst there are some differences in tips and tricks that work for ND vs NT kids I think organisational strategies are mostly transferable from ND to NT.

There are a few differences, esp in terms of things that might work for NT kids that are less effective for ND - for e.g. I think visual reminders tend to work better than verbal for a lot of ND kids. Also kids (and adults!) with ADHD can be v sensitive to criticism/getting things wrong so the 'tough love' approach of "after a few detentions they'll get the message" is I think one to avoid if you suspect ND - it just undermines their confidence and self-esteem.

But I think the idea of scaffolding is really useful - not just doing everything for them but giving the right amount and type of support to do things for themselves.

Also safety nets - (e.g. spares of things that might get lost, parents getting same emails/reminders as the kids so they can keep an eye on what's going on).

Sounds like poor executive function. With DS (ASD/dyspraxia) there was a lot of writing notes on hands, making sure all school items were clearly named, and homework being put up online really helped! He still missed several non uniform days though.

That all sounds completely normal.

My ds has forgotten his coat repeatedly, he's come home with someone else's blazer, lost his school bag and his tie, forgotten his homework, lost his phone, got on the wrong bus.

Label everything. When something is missing use the class Whatsapp group to inform the other mums. Get the email address of the transport team, so they will check under all the seats for a lost phone. Set Trackmyphone. Make sure it is charged every night in the kitchen.

Have spare everything. Don't buy expensive sports kit because it will go missing.

My ds has finally got it sorted and he's year 12 😁

My DC1 is in the same boat due to start secondary in September and I wonder how he’ll cope day to day with being organised, arriving on time etc

So many useful tips/advice on here!

I think some of tge comments are a bit mean tbh. He is 10/11 so of course he would be 'enabled' another word for that would be supported. OP I would start now by supporting him with some strategies as others have said so he is used to this by summer. He can also develop his memory by doing a mental check then double checking his list or post it's etc. Don't worry it will work itself out. Year 7s are supported tons for at least the first half term too.
Good luck

@KitsPoint he will get detentions and learn from his mistakes like all the other kids.
Have a list somewhere he can check off the daily items he needs to take with him. Then let him get on with it and don’t try and fuss or manage him too much.

One thing for Year 7 children going on the school bus for the first time.

I saw my 11yo ds safely on to the bus first morning, and arranged to collect him from the same bus stop at 4.30 that afternoon.

At 4.30, no sign of him

DS hadn't taken note of where to get off the bus, had stayed on until the end of the route, and then panicked.

Our lovely patient bus driver drove him back along the route, to each stop, to look for me. Apparently it happens every year. So check your dc knows where to get off.

And make a plan for if they get lost en route or get off at wrong stop.

He does have an Alexa but it may be better to have a single "repository" of what he needs to remember, otherwise setting all the Alexa reminders is another thing he needs to remember. But worth us thinking about.

This is grim! If he needs a reminder, he deserves human, parental support. It's a normal part of parenting to support your kids with this stuff, outsourcing it to Alexa leaves them without their parent.

My daughter who is now 29 is waiting for an assessment for ADHD as per her psychiatrists request. She is terribly disorganised and constantly losing keys, debit card, forgetting to pay bills, getting into debt, procrastinating, starting one job not completing it before moving onto another project. Always, always struggled with the school timetable and the correct equipment for the lessons. To have a possible cause for this is like a lightbulb moment, it all adds up.

By coincidence her dad is dyslexic and has a lot of ADHD traits, especially the procrastination part, it’s something that can be hereditary.
We’ve had to pay for help for our daughter, but it’s been worth it.

Every single time you move from one place to another, the parent with him makes him physically stop and stand still and asks him to go over what he needs to have not left behind/needs to bring with him for the next destination. Only prompt extra stuff once he believes he has covered it and physically shown he has everything he has mentioned. Eventually (it might be a while though!) he should start doing it automatically inside his head every time he leaves somewhere.
Think of it as being like the way you taught him to stop, look and listen when crossing the road.

They get there. We had a check list taped to the front door. You have access to the homework diary I think from memory. It's all online these days. Just keep prompting. Practice getting things ready the night before.

Alexa isn’t replacing parents 😂- it’s just a simple way to do time-specific reminders. I use Alexa reminders all the time myself. And ideally we want to wean them off being dependent on parents for everything An Alexa reminder is more independent than being nagged by parents.

Agree. Using Alexa or phone is a way to independence.
DD1 needed training in how to use her phone reminders. She used to hear it, turn it off because she would whatever in a minute, then get distracted and forget! So I taught her to snooze until she did it, or if she couldn't do the task then and there to set another later reminder.

Another organisation tool is one of the concertina-style filing systems so each subject is in a different section and there’s just one file for everything.

Also, do keep an eye on the SEND/ADHD possibility; bright, well behaved children do get overlooked as they seem to be coping well (often massively supported behind the scenes by family) especially those with inattentive ADHD, until they don’t….. There’s still a lot of ignorance/prejudice, even in schools, that it’s “just naughty boys”.

Thank you all for your further comments.
We’re going for a weekly reminder list which our son will complete on a Sunday and we’ll print for the fridge - version 1 attached! Some of the detail tails off as the week goes on 😂but we’ll see how it works.

I really like the idea of trying to train him to stop whenever he moves from one place to another to check he’s bringing everything he should, though I suspect it will be years in the making…!

DS is the same - it’s not because he doesn’t want to / doesn’t think it’s important / we always fix it for him.

its because he literally can’t do it.

We tried EVERYTHING and all it meant was he still forgot everything and we all got cross with him and he got really upset at letting everyone down and thinking he was stupid

As soon as I just accepted that, life became a lot easier and reduced the conflict.

Some kids need more scaffolding than others.

You need to keep helping; asking / checking / reminding him at every turn.

The football example; Dad should be checking he’s got everything before he leaves the house, before he leaves the car. Whoever picked him up from the party should have asked where his hoody was.

It’s frustrating but if you accept that this is one thing your son finds hard and take 50% responsibility for it then life is much smoother.