Y11 ds being so difficult

[Sotiredofnagging]

Trying to get some perspective here... DS is cut from the 'bright but lazy' teenage boy cloth. He does have a mild LD, which has caused low self-esteem and makes him anxious. His recent mocks were pretty bad - failed maths and English which was a first. Literally wrote nothing in some papers. At parents' evening, all teachers said that the problem is less lack of subject knowledge (although I do think some revision would have helped...) but panicking in exams. Sensibly suggested past papers etc.

Have spent all week talking, negotiating, explaining to DS the importance of GCSEs (which he's fully aware of) and trying to agree some sort of light revision plan. All he needs to do is pass maths and English and do well enough in the subjects that he wants to do for BTech/'A' level (the latter he is just about) and job done. It is hard, hard work as ds's instinct is to say 'no'.

Getting him out of bed in the morning involves me nagging him. Getting him into bed at night involves me nagging him. Getting him to do any schoolwork involves me nagging him. Getting him to wear his glasses involves me nagging him. I have explained umpteen times that my preference would be not to be involved in any of these things - that he just get himself up and get to school on time, get into bed at night at a decent hour, do some school work etc. If he wants me to stop nagging, then go right ahead and sort yourself out and so on.

I know the theory of 'natural consequences' but at 15, I don't think it's acceptable to just leave him to stay in bed and not go to school or stay up until the early hours on a school night.

He has recently stopped playing computer games (he was only allowed Fortnight and I think he eventually realised that he was never going to be a YouTube sensation and that it's pretty boring). He spends a lot of time making electronic music and he could do a BTech in music production in sixth form. I was hoping that would be some sort of carrot to just get his head down for a few months.

Sorry this is long, but any thoughts/suggestions/similar experiences? I am so sick of nagging, but leaving him to his own devices just isn't an option. We've tried him setting an alarm (he doesn't), him getting himself into bed a X o'clock (he doesn't) so that he's more in control, but with no joy.

Thanks for reading this far!

How bribable is he?

I have a child with ADHD and dyslexia - so there are mitigating circumstances in many ways - but while she can be persuaded to revise, my feeling is that it is mainly performative rather than actually resulting in information going in.

I have resorted to tutors for some things - at least I know that she is focused at learning at that point.

A few things that I know she needs to do but it will be a battle, I have failed to find a tutor or they are all in excess of £100/hr.

So I am planning to "pay" her to study with me over Easter - with a range of rewards on offer depending on compliance and effort. I am dreading it, but I can't see an alternative.

What is the minimum he needs to get for BTech in music tech? Suggest he just goes for that and let the rest go hang.

I’ve run out of ideas here, too, and resorted to bribery with Nat 5s only a few weeks away. (Scotland) It is absolutely nerve-racking, but nothing else has worked. She will make a slight effort if I sit with her and we talk our way through a question, but she will expend vast amounts of energy manipulating me and avoiding work. She doesn’t even care about the money she loses by not trying.

She’s currently under Camhs for ND assessment. Reading the school timetable for study leave reduced me to tears. Between now and the end of May there’s only two weeks of school. She refuses to comply with any of the resources the school has in place for revision.

Unfortunately, I think “natural consequences” is the only option now left to her. She may take a jump to herself between now and the end of May, and surprise us all. It’s all I can hope for atm.

Thanks all and solidarity this difficult time. To do the sixth form courses that he wants, he needs a decent pass in the subjects he wants to do (one a BTech and one a GCSE, which is is likely to get) and English and Maths. He could do resists in sixth form, but obviously doesn't want to and there's absolutely no need. He passed English and maths comfortably in previous mocks.

I think if it was 'just' schoolwork, I'd feel more able to cope, it's all the other stuff - getting up, getting to bed and so on that makes life feel like a constant argument.

Not particularly bribeable tbh. I spent a lot of time with him at the weekend breaking subjects/topics down to make it all less overwhelming. I think this did help a bit. I also thinks he gets that one surefire way to feel anxious in exams is not knowing the material, the antedote being to do enough preparation so that you feel a bit on top of things.

Looking again at my first post, I think he's overwhelmed. I need to remember and keep reminding him that this will be all over in three months. But god, it's hard.

I had one similar, literally dragged him through Y11. We basically settled for prioritising the gcses which were most important and particularly English and maths. He had tutors for both. It was not a fun year at all for either of us and it would have been much easier to leave him to it. However, I just felt the exams were too important. Anyway, he passed what he needed to including English and maths thank goodness. He definitely could have done better but he just hated it all!
He's now at college doing something he loves and is up and out of bed, going to sleep at a sensible time, organising himself etc etc, so motivated and engaged unlike when he was at school.
I think he's now realised I was right, especially when he sees many of his college mates having to stay there for more English and maths lessons and doing resits when he can go home!
I am so glad school is finished for him and I'm really proud of everything he is doing now, he's so focused and has a clear plan.

So hang in there, maybe get a tutor, it will be over and once he's doing something he really likes and also matures, he'll be fine. I can empathise though, it's a horrid time!

Thanks so much. I was talking with dh about the process of maturity and that it won't be like this forever just yesterday. DS adamently refuses any sort of tutoring and tbf, the consistent message at parents' evening this week was that it's not lack of subject knowledge so much as panicking/just stopping writing in exams. Practicing past papers is the only way to overcome that really, I think.

My mantra the last few days has been 'you need to spend your time and energy focusing on what you need to do for these exams, not arguing with me', which does seem to have gone in a bit.

Will keep on keeping on.

This is demand avoidance and he appears to be highly stressed about these exams. Telling him how important they are is unlikely to do anything apart from reinforce this.

Have you talked to him about what exactly happened in the exams where he wrote nothing? If he is panicking then he needs techniques to deal with panic. Breathing exercises? Rescue remedy? The school should be able to talk to him about this. He passed them before and he can again.

It’s hard for them so much pressure at school, every teacher laying it on and the world feeling over whelming at the moment.
my dd is the same. What she could really do with is support for breaking it down, how not to be over whelmed. How to make a plan. They don’t seem to cover that so much at school.

I’ve spent a while trawling Reddit GCSE support pages and watching YouTube videos and watching them together. It seems to have helped.

also make sure he’s getting out for a walk every so often, fresh air, clear the air. I bribe with cake at the end

Thanks both. Yes, when his sister was in Y11, she complained bitterly and often about how much they were talking about GCSEs at school. DS doesn't articulate that, but I'm sure it's no different this time around.

In regard to panic, he says that he just doesn't know what to write. His brain does sometimes 'shut down' but the main thing is that not being prepared means that it's harder for his brain to access the information that it needs. They did a whole week of mocks, so up to three papers in a day, which was way too much for him.

As well as breaking things down, I'm keeping very focused on 'this will be the only exam you have that day. What you need to know for this paper is X,Y,Z' which makes it more manageable. Before we talked about anything last weekend, I showed him his reports from the summer and autumn with good grades and reminded him that he did that, no-one else, and he can do it again.

Well, after a few better days where he got on with stuff and accepted some help, he came down with a nasty bug and was off school in bed for a couple of days. Now out of bed but still not great.

Just had a massive argument about me suggesting I help him with maths, him saying he's going to fail anyway, me saying that there's absolutely no reason that he will as he's passed before, him being incredibly verbally abusive. Wants me to leave him alone. I cannot even describe how much I'd like to be able to do this, just let him get on and sort himself out for his exams (ditto getting to school on time, sorting his own bag out, going to bed at a decent hour and so on).

I get that this is anxiety and I get that he's not feeling well. My non-intervention approach didn't work with his mocks (not that I didn't try to intervene and support him, but was met with a flat 'leave me me alone') but I can't just sit by and let him throw his GCSEs away. I guess resitting maths wouldn't be the end of the world. If it's only maths he messes up.

I don't want to go down the route of taking his laptop and phone away, I would rather be more collaborative, and I don't know if it would help anyway, but getting desperate as to ideas about how to get us through the next ten weeks.

I hear you, op.
Dd was also ill last weekend, which didn't help.
Dd needs 5 x 5s inc English and maths to get to the 6th form she wants,so she is focusing on those.
Also a very anxious child.
This means that there will be little to no revision for geography or combined science, but so be it.
Dd was open to English Language tutoring which has helped.
What about an older male teen (17?) who could do some past paper revision/questions with him?
Do you know any local A level students who did well at maths?
It's so hard...dd desperately wants to get into a particular 6th form but there is very little revision going on!
I'm hoping after her art/creative subjects are done last week of Alrio, she'll knuckle down 🤷‍♀️

Start with if he doesn't get that 4 in Maths and English he'll be redoing them next year...
That's been a big incentive for several lazy boys I know.

He knows that full well. Failing English was a big shock, as he's always got very good grades/marks without breaking a sweat, but panicking and only writing a paragraph will do that.

Maths - he was breezing 5s in foundation papers this time last year. Getting into a panic with the higher paper seems to have triggered a more generalised maths panic.

I wish ds was open to someone else helping - an older teen is a great idea. Unfortunately, he just blocks all suggestions.

It sounds like he'd be much better reverting to the foundation papers. Urgh it's such a tricky time. All you can do is be there, keep offering support, could you talk to the school (perhaps ask that he doesn't know you have) and see what advice or help they can give?

Dds doing the F maths paper. She generally gets high 80%s so she should get a 5.
Could this be a possibility for your ds?
Dd also froze when faced with the higher paper.
Could you speak to the senco and explain the anxiety/freezing? Schools can allow rest breaks during exams at their discretion.
They could also perhaps put him in a smaller room?
Some kids do really well with these tweaks others don't want to feel "different".
I do feel for you. Its so hard seeing them struggle.

It might also be an idea to talk to the maths and English teachers? Especially if he gets on with them (or one of them?)
Maybe he'd listen to them? Will they do doing in school revision sessions? After school sessions?

Yes, I asked that he do the foundation paper after his November mocks - that's the foundation one that he failed in the February mock, unfortunately.

Having said that, after our stand up row this afternoon, he did work through a foundation paper and got 62/80. So it's not lack of ability that is the problem.

I'm hoping that the more past papers he has a good experience with, the less daunting they will become. English was the curve ball - he got 8s in his November mock without much effort, but the examiner can't mark a practically blank paper.

He can either use a laptop or have 25% extra time during exams, plus rest breaks. He's opted for the extra time, which surprised me, as he never uses it in a rush to get it over with. There's still time for him to change his mind.

Sorry that others are having a hard time, but relieved not to be alone.

It will all be over one day.

@Sotiredofnagging my DS had a laptop, 25% extra time and rest breaks! Are you sure he can't have all 3? Being able to type was so important for my son, especially in English. If it's his normal way of working he should be able to have it? Surprised he had to choose.

What is the criteria for extra time?

Agree - my DD has laptop, reading pen, 25% extra time and rest breaks.

It depends.

For something like dyslexia, they need 2 qualifying scores under 84 (putting them in bottom 10th centile) for things like processing speed, working memory etc.

Plus it needs to be their normal way of working - so has been in place for class test, in-school exams.

Just having the diagnosis doesn't count.

Rules are all here. There are quite a lot of hoops to jump through - it's not as simple as a lot of people seem to think.

www.jcq.org.uk/exams-office/access-arrangements-and-special-consideration/regulations-and-guidance/

Can you persuade him that he needs to at least have a go at every question in English? It's relatively easy to pick up marks in the lower bands so an attempt at everything is worthwhile.

I often see papers where they've had a jolly good go at q2 but that's it... which is such a pity.

Agree MrsHamlet - now we're at the Easter holidays and going to be spending more time on past papers, I'm doing to focus on the need to be strategic ie splitting his time between questions, scooping up the first 'easy' marks.

Re: the laptop or extra time. I will double-check with the SENCo. He doesn't use a laptop in class (he would be permitted to, but I think doesn't want to be different, plus his writing is legitible and he can - when in the zone - write at length). He has a visual processing disorder, so I guess the school assessments indicated slow processing speed and other 'botton 10% issues' to be permitted extra time.

Does he know roughly how long each question should take him? I teach mine to keep an eye on the time and then move on so they don't end up with screeds on low tariff questions and not enough on more valuable ones

That's exactly what I'm going to work with him on (in the small doses that he'll let me). And not panicking when he encounters a '12 marker' - think of four points, write a short intro, write each point, explain, give an example/quote, move onto the next one, short conclusion and so on.