Solely state educated to selective 13+ boarding school - is it worth it

[TJW13]

Hi, my DS has been offered a 13+ place at a selective, very sporty public school following a very competitive process. We haven’t told him yet that he’s been offered a place as we are grappling with whether or not this is the right thing for him and us as a family - he has been solely educated at state schools (in middle England catchments). We’ve never considered privately educating him but due to his love and talent for sport he has been asking to try for a place for the last couple of years - he wants to balance his sport with his academics. He’s happy at his state secondary but feels he’d do do much better both academically and sporting at private school.

Looking for advice and experience from parents who have been through this or children are friends with the state school child - what are the pros and cons? Would you do it again ?

I tend to be very anti boarding BUT in a few cases it can be solely for the benefit of the child and this may be one.
How does he feel about the possibility of not living at home?

If he was to go he’d be a day boy however the school is run as a full boarding school as only 20% are day pupils and there is no flexi or week boarding. He’d be completely integrated into a boarding house - with only thing him not doing is sleeping there.

I think the time to say no was at the application stage. By letting him apply I think you now have to let him go if he wants to.

@MigAndMog I don’t agree

He's been asking you for a couple of years and presumably put his heart and soul into a "very competitive" selection process, what are you going to tell him? Which option will be better for your relationship with him? I know kids who were successful in a competitive 11+ exam and parents still decided not to send them so I guess some kids understand and accept that. Personally I couldn't do it and my child went from state to private having been successful. Of course you don't have to agree with me but you asked for opinions.

You only know the actual offer details later in the application process and there may be something unexpected in it so it's not that black and white irl.

I don’t understand the hesitation: he’s very keen to go, you’ve all invested time in a very competitive process, he’s been offered a place, it’s day not boarding so less of a change. Now isn’t the time to be questioning the move.

Is there a particular doubt you have or concern?

The schools are good at picking the right children, they don’t want anyone to be unhappy or unsettled. He excels at sport and they have specialist provision that he wouldn’t get elsewhere, and he wants to go. What’s holding you back?

@NewNameNoelle We are not a wealthy family (not poor either - we will like many others sacrifice to pay the fees) - my biggest concern is that he will feel less than the more wealthy children. We didn’t do any prep for the process as we wanted them to see him for who he us etc. We just want the best for him and hoped to get reassurance from parents that have been where we are etc.

@MigAndMog We just want to get other parents perspective who have been where we are and how it turned out. Whether we should or shouldn’t have applied isn’t what we are asking.

If it's just the "less than" thing that worries you I don't think that is a big enough reason not to do it.

I was a full scholarship kid at a public school. My own children go to state school and that was an active, positive choice for us, but the reasons have nothing to do with being the poor kid.

My son did the same and went to a private school in year 10. It was a fantastic decision and he is thriving. He stays till 9.30pm each night (day boy at boarding school) and he loves it.

The school contains a mix of very wealth and more "normal" pupils so he doesn't stick out.

@hatsoff234 thank you 🙏 That really is reassuring - I don’t want him to stick out 😊

Re: "he will feel less than the more wealthy children" . We all have to get to grips with the fact that some people are much wealthier than we are, and also that some will have worked for it, and others had it handed to them. It's not a reason to not go there. My children have been at school with a wide range of kids. some very ordinary backgrounds, occasional very wealthy ones. It has never, to my knowledge, been an issue among their peers beyond the occasional comment e.g. that someone has new car or is going to some long-haul destination.
I don't personally think the culture of boarding schools is very healthy but he wouldn't be boarding so if you can afford it, and think it's a good fit for him, I don't see why you wouldn't send him

Do you have any other children who would have to miss out on things for you to pay the fees? If not I’d let him go, it sounds like a fantastic opportunity.

If you are new to the private schooling sector then I assume you will have read at least of the extensive coverage about the upcoming application of VAT to the fees. That coverage would have provided plenty of insight from existing parents pointing out that the overwhelming majority of private school families are normal, hard-working, like yourself, and by no means 'wealthy' to the extent to make any other child 'stick out' and make you worry about it.

Has he attended any taster days? You can also ask the school to put you in touch with a current family who attends.
Has your son met the coach for his sport? How long has the coach been affiliated with the school? Does your son know any of the current his sport youngsters?
Are there obvious academic advantages?
If your only reservation is social, I’d put hearsay aside and allow him to attend.
How difficult would it be to return to his state school if your child was unhappy?

I’d imagine most schools will have a real mix of families attending. Some people might well be very wealthy, a majority will be comfortably off and some will be less wealthy. That’s just life isn’t it and your son shouldn’t let this put him off. If it’s a good school it shouldn’t ever be an issue, they wouldn’t let it be one.

I went to state school, I have never once felt judged. There is such a wide variety of families attending, the children don’t ever mention parental income. If I honestly gave you a list of parental occupations I think you’d be surprised (I can do this if that would be helpful)

Did you pick up on any snobbery when you visited? Do you know anyone who is there who had problems or could advise?

Is it a big name school? I’m wondering if you’re looking at Millfield for example. If you felt comfortable naming the school perhaps local parents could provide more reassurance?

My DC is on specialist provision in PS and we are low middle class, I wouldn't be able to afford full fees. We've never felt "less than" and I guess those selected on talent rarely do. They are focusing on their specialism anyway so have little time for anything else. This may depend on the school though, ours is very mixed and I'd say middle class rather than "rich".

Fantastic - congratulations to your ds. There will be other kids on bursaries and scholarships and they all wear the same uniforms. Sporty kids make lots of friends on sports teams. It’s a great opportunity (I say that as someone whose ds got a music scholarship to one of these schools at 13+)

@MigAndMog

know kids who were successful in a competitive 11+ exam and parents still decided not to send them

So why did they send them to take an exam at all?
It sounds to me like the acceptance to Notre Dame Uni from this movie

It depends. If it is Millfield which is for sporty but does not have particularly bright children and he might otherwise get into a very academic state grammar school then that is one thing. If it is sink comp or a private school with better A level grades I would take the private schools. I don't think my private school educated children (day schools, fairly academic ones) would ever have made anything of someone's background as lots of children are on bursaries and plenty of children have parents who are not particularly well off but put a lot into paying fees. I don't know how the 20% increase Labour is imposing on fees in January will affect you (VAT) but hopefully the legal challenge to that will be won.

My DD moved from state primary to independent secondary. Whilst there are plenty of very wealthy families, who have educated privately all the way through, I don't think DD particularly minds. She has something that some of those kids don't appear to - an understanding of her privileged.

Same here for both our DC.
The families at our school are farmers, Teachers, Lawyers, Doctors and Business people though and its not a top Public school or anything.
Both fitted in seamlessly

Hi, it is one of the top six for sports schools in the country. To be fair we were very pleasantly surprised by how down to earth the school seemed on the three occasions we have been.

Our son loved the school - I suspect we are being overly cautious which is down to the fact we have a happy child who is doing well at his state secondary school academically etc. Snd this would jumping into the unknown but we can see the advantages such a school would give him and the posts we have received in here including yours are very reassuring.

Hi, We only have one DS thus why we agreed that he could go through the process as we had established we could afford the hefty fees if he was successful with a scholarship and now it’s just the final jitters of us as parents. Like all on this website we just want to make the right decisions for our children.