Solely state educated to selective 13+ boarding school - is it worth it

[TJW13]

Hi, my DS has been offered a 13+ place at a selective, very sporty public school following a very competitive process. We haven’t told him yet that he’s been offered a place as we are grappling with whether or not this is the right thing for him and us as a family - he has been solely educated at state schools (in middle England catchments). We’ve never considered privately educating him but due to his love and talent for sport he has been asking to try for a place for the last couple of years - he wants to balance his sport with his academics. He’s happy at his state secondary but feels he’d do do much better both academically and sporting at private school.

Looking for advice and experience from parents who have been through this or children are friends with the state school child - what are the pros and cons? Would you do it again ?

I’d go for it. After all if he hates it, he can go back to a state school. It is an opportunity that might be amazing for him. You can’t protect your DC from everything that might go wrong, just be a safety net in case it does.

Also, getting used to very wealthy peers is good practice for Oxbridge ;)

Id absolutely let him go. Fantastic opportunity. There'll be a wider range of income/ wealth at the school than you think and the majority of kids don't give a jot who's got the most money. Any that do, simply aren't worth bothering about.

My son was in the exactly the same situation one year ago. But coming all the way from independent prep school not state but that didn’t make a difference.

I think I know the school but won’t name.

Think about the hours. They are long. Very long. How close do you live from the school days are exceptionally long as driving can wear you out too. Is your child super sociable? Being only 20% of day pupils they are going to have to be super confident or able to chat. That was my biggest issue always feeling missing out and not gelling with the majority of other children,

The joys of Saturday school before sport - does your child want to do it. That’s the main question. Also, does the school do your favourite sports - some footy / rugby / hockey are they specialising in your child’s favourite sport.

Once you get into the school the league of good sports players everyone seems very average 🤣 as everyone is quite amazing.

Also this is a life style change especially if not boarding and no daily buses.

Do you want the hassle as a parent who is always going to have to pick them up / drop off

However if it’s the same school there is more flex on boarding / flex than that initially first stated when they knew we were potentially pulling out,

Suppose you have to decide what will be the school your child will be attending and how much flex do you have for drops / pick ups etc

Also, we knew my son would probably feel left out and we would have to accept board. We knew that but didn’t necessarily want that.

Luckily we managed to secure another independent senior manager school at the last minute

Good luck

I went from a state to a very selective private secondary aged 11, and honestly it was wonderful.
I was on a full bursary as my parents weren’t rich at all (refugees in fact), but it opened my eyes…
I made some lifelong friends from all backgrounds.

What I loved was the small classes, well-behaved kids (no bullying), everyone wanted to learn and the teachers treated us like adults (in terms of intellect). It didn’t have borders and wasn’t particularly sporty like yours but the facilities were amazing.

I am always grateful to have experienced both state and private education, this sounds like a unique opportunity and he won’t look back.

He made it and wanted it so I think too late to back out? He would surely be very disappointed? Sounds like he would make the most of it- although would have been fine staying where he is too.
Top boarding schools can offer a huge plethora of opportunity and a very broad range of experiences to those children willing to engage in the opportunities. Will you be able to afford the sports trip to eg South Africa and Barbados?

In all top private schools, there are always plenty of teachers’ children who won’t be super rich either. And there will always be lots of middle class kids too, children of eg engineers/actuaries/accountants/lawyers and doctors. There will also likely be some very rich kids too. It’s how the school handle the latter. At the top schools, they are treated like everyone else and it’s one reason very rich or famous people send their kids there in the first place aka some grounding via eg room sharing/normalish food/duties like everyone else.

My two went from state primary to public school secondary on reduced fees and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Their experience has been absolutely wonderful throughout. Incredible extra curricular provision, lovely atmosphere and community, and just all round brilliant. They're very lucky.

What an exciting opportunity, @TJW13 and congratulations to your DS- it speaks well of his maturity and motivation that he has pursued it to its conclusion- a great life lesson in making his own luck.

I have two sons in a 'big name' public school, all boys, full boarding. It is true that there are eye-watering levels of privilege if you look for it. But it isn't universal and I really don't think it defines the boys' experience of their school. Teenage boys do need something at school that gives them standing amongst their peers- and sports scholars have this ready-made. It will be much more relevant to his fitting-in than probably any other factor, especially if he is seen as a good team mate. They will be more interested in what clubs he played for than which school he came from.

Coming to a full-bore boarding environment as a day pupil might be more complex to navigate, but I would expect the school to have day boys pretty well integrated so it's just the sleeping arrangements that will be different. You can probably find ways to turn it to his advantage. Boarding school kids do a lot of house-visiting in the holidays and it's nice to be able to reciprocate. Because of where you live you can get to his matches and take him and his friends out for tea afterward, or maybe offer Saturday night supper to his friends, which would be very popular as a break from school catering.

It looks to me as if this opportunity is really important to your DS, and since you did not nip it in the bud, he has earned the right now to pursue it. You can afford it and your fees are as good as anyone else's. So the only thing holding him back would be your fear he would not fit in. Just let him do it!

I assume you will tell him he has been offered a place whether or not you decide to let him accept it.

He’s happy at his state secondary but feels he’d do do much better both academically and sporting at private school.

There are many secondary state schools that have elaborate after school sport offer: clubs and squads. If you look at the Sports Day results in your county you may be surprised and find that the top winners in competitions, are not more private than state schools.