School constantly asking daughter questions

[Tc4rt3r1983]

Hi all . Had my 14 year old daughter come home from school tonight very upset. She was pulled out of class today, and had questions repeatedly fired at her, regarding if and what she eats . And what she does when she gets home from school and who she speaks to. The result of this is my daughter asking if she is under weight does she look skinny or funny and generally feeling after answering yes to being fed. That she was repeatedly asked over and over again like she wasn't believed. She has had bullying trouble before and has no confidence in the schools pastoral team which has resulted in her not wanting to go to school .

I was about to say they wouldn’t say it to a child on the other end of the weight spectrum.

Ive been the girl accused of having an eating disorder repeatedly growing up just because I am naturally slim. It’s really upsetting and soul destroying when it isn’t true because it makes you feel self-conscious for no good reason and you begin to hate your body. You can’t change your shape even if you wanted to when you are naturally slim like you daughter.

So, I stick to my first comment - I would be raging at the school about this.

They are doing their job. If she appears underweight and they may notice her, not eating etc during school time.

Be thankful they are looking out for her

That's her choice of breakfast ..... and she gets her nutrition and vitamins daily . Like I said her choice. As I stated the school asked if she was eating. Where did I ask for advice on how nutritional her food is . She was being accused of not eating as stated. Your making out that all she wants no different to the school some people

You think a school would never have a pastoral care discussion with a teen who was overweight or smelly?
They absolutely would. Not in a ´you’re slightly overweight and we think you should eat less’ context, but absolutely if a student had clearly gained a massive amount of weight in a short space of time - the talk would not necessarily be about their weight but more about whether anything was bothering them and if everything was ok at home. Likewise any student at any weight who had been exhibiting worrying eating habit - like seemingly never eating at school or bingeing or any evidence of purging - might be called in for a chat.
A student who’s uniform is always a bit grubby on a Friday but clean on Monday would be left alone, likewise a kid who’s uniform smelt a bit after PE classes, but a child who’s appearance suggests they may have been made homeless and not have access to washing facilities or similar home issues would absolutely be asked if everything was ok.

It’s the school’s job to look out for children. If someone reports that your DD isn’t eating and appears to be very thin or that she’s throwing up, the school is obliged to check she’s ok. That involves asking her questions to get a better picture of what’s going on. Think about what they asked for a minute. What does she eat - is she avoiding food. Would she eat a hot dinner now if she was given it now for free - is it that she is hungry but doesn’t have the money for lunch? What does she do after school - is she eating well after school? Is she bingeing? Is she unsupervised? Who does she talk to - is someone buying her takeaway straight after school? They’re checking on her welfare.

Most teenagers hate being questioned by adults like this and are likely to find it invasive even if it’s done perfectly. If she already distrusts the team and is more self conscious than your average teen, she’s going to find it stressful. It still has to be done.

Governors won’t even look at this if you haven’t followed schools complaint policy.

When DC do have eating disorders, they tend to go to extreme lengths to hide them from their families. It wouldn’t be unusual for their friends or their peer group to be the first to notice a problem and go to a teacher for help. I guarantee that your DD won’t be the first child they’ve had to talk to. Your DD is fine and that’s great but if they don’t ask questions some of the DC that aren’t fine will miss out on help.

Plenty of teenage girls are thin and of a small build. If schools questioned them all, they'd never have time for anything else. I think you need to try to look objectively at your DD. Does she look slim or does she actually look underweight? Has she lost weight? Does she look tired or lethargic? Is she withdrawn? Try to look at the whole picture

Have you spoken to the school yet @Tc4rt3r1983?

Accused? I really do think you need to calm down in this one. I doubt they accused her.

but establish the facts before you complain. You don’t come across as rational her and that will not help you discuss this in a calm way with the school.

Someone has obviously raised a concern. I'd be wanting to know why. I wouldn't be angry with the school. If something was seriously wrong, then you be complaining that the school did nothing.

Although, horrible experience for your daughter…it does indicate that they are looking out for any problems children might be facing. Which is a good sign for school. I would assume that someone (friend, teacher,…) has raised a concern and they are following up on it. Probably could have been dealt in a better way. The best way forward would be to write a mail to school asking them about what’s happening and schedule a meeting if necessary.
There are lot of children with not good environment at home sadly, so the questioning is to safeguard the child really.
Please also talk about how your daughter felt stressed. I am sure that wasn’t their intention.