School constantly asking daughter questions

[Tc4rt3r1983]

Hi all . Had my 14 year old daughter come home from school tonight very upset. She was pulled out of class today, and had questions repeatedly fired at her, regarding if and what she eats . And what she does when she gets home from school and who she speaks to. The result of this is my daughter asking if she is under weight does she look skinny or funny and generally feeling after answering yes to being fed. That she was repeatedly asked over and over again like she wasn't believed. She has had bullying trouble before and has no confidence in the schools pastoral team which has resulted in her not wanting to go to school .

3 slices of toast and 3 hash browns is a really crap breakfast, where is the protein? It’s just fatty carby crap.

I agree with this - you need to ask what happened and what prompted the questioning.

This. Rather than getting angry with the school, talk to them. They are clearly concerned about something and it is widely recognised that parents often cannot see issues in their own children.

Request a meeting, and tell your dd you will get to the bottom of it. Listen to their concerns and respond accordingly.

Well said

I'm sure you are perfect but you must surely know that many people eat toast and hash browns. There's no need for your rudeness.

Pull up those judgy pants as high as you can

When I taught, I occasionally spotted a pupil who seemed to be losing weight although very slim and who looked tired and lethargic. I reported it to the HOH each time. On two occasions the pupil had an eating disorder and tried to hide it by wearing baggy clothes. Their parents hadn't noticed and we're glad the school had. One pupil had an illness but hadn't let the school know.
I wouldn't go in raging but contact the pastoral teacher expressing concern and listen to what they say

Op school staff are duty bound to report concerns. Teachers are required to log any concerns however small because it's not our job to judge if things are OK or not. I have logged on our safeguarding system kids that never have lunch, that I've seen throwing food away, kids who suddenly seem much thinner, kids who regularly sit alone etc. We also have an anonymous system where kids can log concerns and sometimes they do log concerns about their friends. The questions are because we are duty bound to check. Please don't take such huge offence. How are we to know which kids do have eating disorders and which ones don't without checks.

As others have said, ring and ask for someone on the safeguarding team to let you know what prompted the questions. Surely whatever it was prompted enough concern that they checked up on it....so wouldn't you be concerned too? You seem to have reacted as if they a criticising your parenting or something.

I would say that teenagers are very good at hiding this stuff. I used to put a few cornflakes in a bowl and a dash of milk and put it in the sink so mum thought I ate breakfast. I also took a slice of bread and slid some crumbs into an empty lunch box so mum thought I'd eaten lunch. I'm not saying that your daughter is doing this type of thing but eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental health disorder and the school are right to take any concerns very seriously.

Her just snacking as lunch at school is probably a cause for concern alone. My dd is on a reduced time table, comes home 30 minutes after lunch, she wanted to eat a hot meal at home but wasn't allowed as they need to see them eating.

Also if she was bullied children are very nasty eith rumours that kind of thing could trigger this.

This would be my line of thought.
I also have to say that 3 slices of toast and 3 hash browns is a pretty odd breakfast. I would bet that a concerned friend of the girl has confided in a teacher and that the OP is only getting half a story. Always bear in mind that eating disorder is a psychological condition and those suffering from it can be really devious.

I was also in floods of tears and felt like I was being asked millions of questions when the school accused me of being bulimic as i thought i would get in trouble. I was bulimic. You need to talk to the school and find out what is going on

The trouble is that plenty of parents will say 'Oh, she's constantly eating' when they haven't seen the easily portable food items folded up and stuffed in a pocket to be disposed of later or the quick visit to the bathroom with the tap running to hide the sounds, especially when there's just a small snack (which could well be given to somebody else) at lunchtime and then a tiny meal in the evening because it's cooked by somebody who eats tiny meals. They also tend not to notice subtle changes and weight loss over time because they see their child every day, rather than somebody who knows them but sees them every couple of weeks or so in completely different situations and up against other children of the same height.

Kids will also talk amongst themselves and sometimes you'll find out only when one child discloses 'competitive' or group disordered eating that there are actually 3-4 others who are acting the same way but have been more successful in concealing it. Even extremely gentle investigating can see those in tears and trying to get parents to back them up, not because they're fine but because they are in the grip of an ED and want their parent to say 'no, of course she eats tons, she's always eating' so they can continue.

It's also very possible to notice trends in behaviour, such as wanting to go to the toilet during lesson time straight after lunch, being seen sitting with nothing whilst friends eat or even being heard throwing up on more than one occasion when walking past on a corridor patrol.

Of course, defending in innocence is better than the laughter from a parent at the thought that her 'fat' child could possibly have an ED - she was admitted to hospital shortly afterwards. And I took no pleasure in witnessing the shape a leg can go when it breaks from malnutrition when that parent could no longer say 'Oh, no, we're just naturally small' for another kid. Quite pleased with the child who we called an ambulance for, knowing that the parent would say she just needed a snack because she didn't eat that much that turned out to have undiagnosed T1 Diabetes, though, as a) they didn't die and b) she looked much healthier and happier once on medication.

They're concerned about her health and wellbeing, not doing it deliberately to make her cry and you to feel like they're indirectly picking on you.

My dd had an issue with eating lunches at school. She refused to take them and was bringing them home as they were packed. I started thinking eating disorder or some such, but she hated the canteen to eat as it was noisy. It was an uphill struggle getting her to eat, but I made sure she went to school with a good breakfast and she wasn’t eating rubbish when she came home and had a hearty dinner. After about 6 months she relented and decided she wanted to try the canteen. There are some days she doesn’t take anything in or go to the canteen but I’m not making an issue of it.
Not sure dragging your dd out of lessons helps at all. My dds tutor spoke with her and we moved on. I’m just assuming a comment was once made to dd about her packed lunch and that set her back.
Tomorrow she’s doing a choir day and needs a packed lunch and snacks, so that’s what she wants. I’m not battling this and making an issue of it.

At that age one of my friends was "bothered by the school" about her eating. Her parents and her were most indignant at the questioning.

As far as we could tell she ate pretty well. She often ate more than me at lunch, and she denied any suggestions she was looking thin.

Eventually school called in social services and she was immediately hospitalised with anorexia. She weighed less than 7 stone and was 5'8 at that point.

She managed to get through this and has had no problems for years.

Another of my friends wasn't so lucky. She started anorexia in her 20s, and resisted any medical help, and her mum defended her. She never totally managed to get out of undereating. She died a few years ago from an illness than no one in their 30s should have died from, but she was weakened from having anorexia.

This absolutely sounds like someone is trying to probe in response to a concern raised, so use that to set the tone for how you handle it with both the school and your DD. Tell your DD that it sounds like they just want to make sure everything is ok, but that sometimes people can ask questions or say things with the best of intentions and still be utterly clumsy with it or say something that makes us feel lousy. Tell her she doesn't look unhealthy but that natural builds vary so widely especially in teens that a healthy weight for her may be a sign of disordered eating in a classmate, and one of the most important ways adults try to tell the difference is asking questions. The way they went about it was just poorly executed. Tell her you're going to email the school to find out more and let them know she was upset by how this was handled, and offer to let her read the email first.

Then email the person who spoke to her and either the head of year or head of pastoral and tell them that DD came home upset because she felt like her answers weren't being believed, she felt blndsided, and because didn't understand why she was being asked and if it related to her appearance. Acknowledge that you and DD have talked about how these questions are well-meaning but that DD was distressed by how it was handled. Ask for them to help DD (and you) understand what this was about and say you'd like any additional concerns they want to talk to DD about addressed in a meeting so that DD can have support with her if she wants.

At work we have named this year 'The Year of the Complaining Parents'. We've had record numbers of complaints from parents this year, some are entirely reasonable, we do our best, but I am under no illusion that we get it right every time. However most are because we issued disciplines in line with our behaviour policy (that students sign at the start of the course and parents have a copy on on the online portal) for various things such as not attending lessons (without valid reasons), vaping on campus, going home without following proper procedures thus posing a safeguarding risk, swanning in late to EVERY session (even after breaks so public transport cannot be blamed).

Some parents are never happy, their children can do no wrong, we can do no right. It's really hard to do our jobs well and prepare our students for the reality of the working world when any consequences we try to put in place are swept aside by parents. Some of these young people are going to get a nasty shock when they finally have to go out into the real world.

This is not necessarily aimed at the OP, however when meeting parents, so often the version they have of what is happening in college is so far removed from reality. If they'd simply spoken with us (so very many never answer or return our calls, emails and letters when we try to contact them to put things right before it gets as far as a discipline), things could have been ironed out with much less fuss and stress all round. It's sucking the joy out of my job at the moment. I'm desperate for the Christmas break to spend some time only worrying about my own DC.

She's right though. Zero nutrition - just carbs.

Someone has expressed concern.
Any number of reasons.
a) they think she's too skinny & are worried about eating disorder
b) they've seen her food refuse or visit loo after eating too often
c) a pal of hers has expressed concern
d) a fat idiot member of staff can't bear the idea that skinny people exist.

If you know your daughter to be well & healthy deal with the asshole
But I wouldn't go in all guns blazing st first

Shouldn't she have a proper lunch,given her age?

I am surprised you react like that. If they are asking her questions it means that she is very skinny. And thank God that the schools are interested. I will never ever forget the case of a boy whose mother was saying that he has food allergy and they boy died of malnutrition. His mum went to prison and didn't live there long.

If a school became concerned with her weight they will notify you soon but they also are responsible to investigate.

What shocks me is that you are more concerned with her being " bullied" because they ask these questions rather than observing her weight

I actually had a teacher tale me to one side about my weight at a similar age. Saying he felt I was too thin and did I have a ED.

I didn't I was just really slim. But when I stayed overnight on a school trip and he watched me eat all my food and then praised me it put me off eating in front of him again.

If she has always been naturally slim teachers really need to be careful about not causing body issues by commenting. It became just as bad for me as if they were commenting on me being overweight.

Also agree that in safeguarding training you are advised to never ask leading questions if you have concerns. You really need to find out what has gone on here.

Lol I'm her dad and and her health and wellbeing comes before anything. I csn assure tiu if she was unwell or unhealthy I would sort it. BUT SHE ISNT, I'm small framed to doesn't mean we're both ill. So yeah the bullying hasn't been put before a health issue as there is no health issue just her being judged for being small framed . Shoe on the other foot would they approach a obese person ans say your eating to much . Or a un hygienic child to be called dirty .

And yes regarding the apparent issues she is being judged on it has effected her. She is now paranoid and anxious on how she looks being asked if she wants roast dinners or if the teacher offered it would she eat it. Been a fussy eater she said no as she doesn't have a full roast on certain bits like a normal fussy teenager