Private or State School

[user1476345274]

🌟I’m looking for some genuine advice, please.

Our DS is in year 5 at the moment and we are deciding whether to send her to a local state school or a private school.

Neither me or my husband went to private school, but I’ve experienced first hand racism and witnessed bullying, therefore I wouldn’t want my children to go through similar experiences.

Additionally, I have the impression that private schools generally have better resources and catered to assist children to build their confidence.

The closest high school is Elton high school, it is a very popular secondary school, facilities are good, but students are coming from different backgrounds and some don’t seem interested in learning with behavioural issues, which we understand they are not unusual in any schools, but we are just worried that our children will fall in with the wrong crowd.

The closest private schools generally is Bury Grammar, we went to the Open Day and my DS loved it.

My main concern is whether the fees are worth it? We are financially independent at the moment but will have to cut back on some expenses like holidays and dining outs if we chose the private route.

Sorry for the long post and I look forward to receiving some useful tips and advices.😊

I think you need to decide based on the specific schools you are considering - is this (private) school better for my child and their actual needs than this (private or state) school?

Personally I see a mix of backgrounds and abilities as an advantage.

Bullying and racism can happen, sadly, in any school, private or state. But it’s true that overall, the class sizes and facilities offered should be better in a private school. That’s not to say that it’s always the right decision, even if you have or can find the money. You may judge your local state school as fine and save your money to enrich your child’s life in other ways.

Impossible question to answer really SOME Private schools are better for SOME kids. We chose Private as our State option wasn't suitable and it was the right choice for us.
There is racism and bullying to some degree in all schools unfortunately but the important thing is how its dealt with - I can only share my experience of it being dealt with quicker and more severely at my DC's Private schools than the 2 closest State Secondaries to us.
If your child loved the Private school from his taster/open day and its affordable then I would suggest you go with that but be aware most DC enjoy taster days, they are designed that way.

I am commenting because I had this same predicament choosing between the 2. My daughter absolutely hated primary, we used to have massive issues getting her to go in of a morning, she likes home comforts and even something like a teacher shouting would totally upset her. So….a commitment financially yes but my daughter is absolutely thriving at the independent school we chose for her. I feel like any issues we’ve had they are dealt with promptly, communication is amazing, the classes are smaller and it’s so much more personal than a state school (in my opinion!) Little touches like the teachers being their dogs in, they are given gifts for good work etc etc- I really don’t think you will look back I would pay it over and over again to have this level of security knowing she is safe and being nurtured in her independent. Good luck :)

private isn’t a cure all panacea.

Bullying and racism (both of which takes many forms) is/ was rife at the several of the top London schools along with self harm, recreational drugs and eating disorders (mostly girls)

if you have the cash spare and by that I mean approx 250k extra by all means go for it but don’t go in with your eyes closed…and do look properly at state options.
you can always move to private at 13 if not happy.

I moved one of my DC I to private in yr9 - he was having a grim time in the local well regarded good rated comp . Lots of difficulties concentrating due to behaviour and some quite frightening stuff going on in the school generally . Teaching gaps in subjects like maths and computing . I do not regret moving him but it would be naive to think that everything is perfect at private - it’s populated by human beings just like any other school ! I also don’t think he will necessarily achieve much better grades - however he feels safe and can concentrate which is a pretty good start .

Costs in private will only increase - factor in at least a 5% increase each year plus of course the 20% VAT plus very expensive uniforms , trips and even exam fees in yr11 .

You need to look at actual schools. You get

• excellent private schools
• rubbish private schools
• excellent state schools
• rubbish state schools

OP I would repost this with the school names in the title of the thread. The miracle of Mumsnet usually pulls in plenty of well informed parents who can advise you.

It is really hard to get a good idea about the culture of a school when you have a look around on an open day. We thought we had hound a great state school based in the visit we did.

My advice is to ask around locally to see if the schools have a reputation for bullying.

I chose the state school as it was known for good discipline but it turned out to be a toxic hell hole and my poor DD's mental health was never the same again. The school minimised everything and were only interested in protecting their reputation.

We moved her to private in Y9 because we had heard amazing things about the kind culture at the new school. It really was a lovely environment where my DD was able to recover from the trauma of the state school and build her confidence. I just wish we had sent her there from the start.

DS was also bullied at his all boys state school but it settled down and he built resilience with support from his head of year. The school dealt with it better which made all the difference.

It’s good that you have two schools in mind that you can directly compare, as a PP said it isn’t that most private schools are better that most state schools but if you know which state VS which private it should be a much easier decision. That being said most private schools have smaller class sizes and better facilities and this can make a big difference. It is a big investment though so you need to ask whether the difference between each school is worth it or if you could do something better with the money to benefit them later on, like get them on the property ladder.

OP isn’t in London, but Manchester. Bury is under £14k a year (plus VAT).

All I'm going to say is research that grammar school very carefully, particularly focusing on staff turnover and quality of teaching.

It honestly depends on what exactly you’re looking for. Bury has a really good reputation both for academic achievement and pastoral care but I can’t speak for Elton as I don’t know anyone there. I’m guessing as you’re looking at Elton that you live in the area but be aware that kids travel quite far distances to go to BGS so your child’s best friend may be from Altrincham, Didsbury, Widnes, anywhere really, making social activities more difficult and you more like a taxi service than a parent! If that doesn’t bother you then personally I would go with the private as your child loved it.

Is your dd likely to pass the entrance exam? She might love it but that matters for nothing is she doesn’t get offered a place.

I'm in the Manchester area but not that way. I personally wouldn't be prepared to cut back on holidays/eating out to afford private school, the addition of VAT is really off putting too.

We looking at another private school in the Manchester area and felt after seeing it, we decided to see how he got on in state Yr 7 and only move him to private if he was struggling to settle. For us, it wasn't worth the money. That kind of money can pay him through uni, which is where I think it's better spent.

After seeing the private school, I also didn't think it was the environment I ideally wanted him in. It doesn't represent the real world at all. Kids can often get bullied at private school for not being rich enough/wearing enough designer labels. I've heard several stories from parents first hand about this.

Also, what is your son's personality? Is he a follower, is he more likely to fall into the wrong crowd? This would be a massive consideration if my son was like that, and know it is for other classmates whose kids are like that. Even our back up school we were ok with, as we know our son won't get into major trouble.

The racism will still exist OP as the private schools just probably much more subtle and done in different ways.

I'd pick the school that you think will take DC academically the furthest

Not my experience on your example of bullying. No one (well the majority) don’t care about those material things. Just isn’t a thing at DC independent schools where there are premier league footballers children, film directors and plenty of professionals scraping money together.

In the state school my eldest left by contrast insults were “your poor” “you don’t have a dad”. Not to mention things said to the girl who was in care when her mother had a psychosis or the games to bait the autistic kids to melt down. None of that would be tolerated by the kids or the teachers at our school.

*You’re poor!

@Whoyergonnacall well I guess there is bullying everywhere in one form or another. I can only reflect on at least three experiences of private school attendees being picked on for not being as rich as others.

Yes of course. I agree it can happen anywhere. I wanted to give balance to your comments as I think it’s a difficult choice for OP so she should have a spread of examples.

I’d not say that Bury’s GCSE results are really worth all that £££. I’d factor in fees easily going up double as well - can you accommodate that in your budget?

Good idea, I’ll repost it now, thanks.

Private are more likely to observe racism as they have more privileged and entitled kids. Here where I live in London the state schools are very diverse and therefore kids are used to different skin pigment...

I am sure it happens in a lot of Private schools but certainly not all. My Dc and their friends at Private school are much less impressed or bothered by flash cars and designer labels, maybe because they aren't so aspirational?
I was a full scholarship kid at Private and was never made to feel different and DD was also on a part scholarship (at a different school) and again there has never been an issue for her.
The school, area and cohort can make a huge difference and while its likely that a child living in a small terraced house in a dodgy area who never had holidays etc might struggle to fit in with super rich kids but where the majority or parents are Doctors, Accountants, Lawyers, Teachers etc its really not a big deal.

My DCs private school is hugely diverse with regards to race and religion. Plus many of the white, Christian kids have at least one parent who was born abroad or the kids were born abroad themselves. My local catchment comp is 99% white British.

I understand that there are 99 perc white state schools in some areas but how come private would suddenly be diverse?