How do you help a child who Won't Be Told through their GCSEs

[FKAT]

Just that really. DS (nearly 16) has been stubborn and independent since the age of 2. No traditional parenting techniques work on him (and every time I've tried them it's ended in disaster). He can't be coached, incentivised, bribed, tutored or told.

He's academic (top set, forecast 8s&9s across most subjects) but my god is he lazy. And like most teenagers addicted to his phone. His results last year were variable - some as expected, some way behind.

I want to help him get the best GCSE results he can because he's ambitious but even asking him or doing stuff to help (like creating folders, printing things out, offer to pay for subscriptions/buy resources etc) results in arguments OR 'I'll be fine mum'. My main goal at the moment is to keep him fed (serious teenage growth spurt & hanger outbursts) and keep his room organised and clean.

I don't want him to spend this half term scrolling through tiktok. Any other tips that work on children who won't be told - much appreciated.

My DS was like this. We did talk about it and he told me that he'd do enough to get to the next step (A levels) and no more. And that's what he did. He did humanities at A level so only needed 5/6s at his non selective state school so that's what he got. It was extremely disappointing but by 18 he had matured and his A level results were much better. He's now in a graduate job having completed his degree and a masters at a RG uni. So there is hope OP!

Wow, this thread is 2 years old! How the hell did it get resurrected?! I wonder how he did in his GCSEs and whether the op is having the same arguments over A levels

As an adult, who was a bit like this teenager (although in the days of A’s, b’s and c’s!) I might be slightly controversial and say I’m not sure traditional revision is for everyone.

If you don’t understand the lesson then you do need to spend extra time studying it but for me, I understood the lessons and had a good memory - any revision done earlier than the day before didn’t feel like it provided any more than the lesson but last minute revision stuck enough to get through the exam with top marks.

I saw some peers doing 5-8 hours revision a day just for an ok grade but there I just didn’t need to do that. Several other top-setters were similar. It was all either swots or naturally academic blaggers like me. I was awful to my parents when they tried to encourage me and it had the opposite effect of me proving they were wrong and I didn’t need to revise.

I smashed it, smashed a levels and my undergraduate and postgraduate degrees. All exams and essays written or revised for the day before up to my mid 30’s.

Perimenopausal brain fog has probably put this to a stop but my point (if you’ve read this much) is that we aren’t all the same academically. Your son is clearly doing really well and his own strategy has done him well so far. Let him try his way. If it goes wrong he will learn the hard way that his approach is insufficient and then just maybe he’ll listen to you. Though it’s just as likely he’ll still know better!

@FKATI would just agree with any arguments he has
Oh, yes that's fine if you don't want to do that......
What job are you going to get....?
You need a job back up plan.....!
Act as if he ISN'T going to get exams, show him jobs you find online. What do you think of this job?

@FKAThow is he getting on two years later??

I missed that.

D'oh!

Be wary of this I think. It’s too easy to predict 8/9 based on academic ability and verbal contribution rather than hard facts in exams. If he’s getting 5 there’s very little justification for an 8 prediction unless something disastrous happened on the day.

is his defensiveness masking that he doesn’t really know how to write it down?

8/9 rarely just happens (and I work at a selective school) - you have to work for it.

does he have a plan for his future at all? He may find that looking at a levels or even uni might help. What about strategic focus on say his two weakest subjects?

old thread

You keep his room "organised and clean" ? he does not have hands ? Sorry but that's a red flag. it sounds like you are always there to pick up the pieces ?

If he has an iPhone I'd set-up "screen time" limits. You can specify down time and the time on specific apps. he won't like it but will get used to it after a few days

And don't tidy his room or wash his clothes or organise anything. Let him feel and see the consequences. After a few days of living in a mess with dirty clothes he will be forced to do it himself as he's probably been accustomed to a clean and tidy room with everything on hand for him?

For exams, I'd try to get him to do some on-line tests. Failing those, or not doing as well as he expected, will hopefully wake him up.

I suspect he is one of those who needs to experience things for themselves before they will act. ( I.e. they need to fail or be close to failing). I have more than one family member in that category. So good luck I have been there.

Law is super super competitive and only getting worse with AI. I’d be very worried with the 5s. I think the he’s got a few 8s and 9s in mocks sounds like complacency could set in.

Worrying as well that his strengths are maths/science, not the essay subjects which Law looks to.

My Year 11 isn’t allowed Tik Tok or Instagram. If he’s wasting his time and not working and not reaching his potential then some tougher realities, especially if he wants to do Law.

At some point you have to let them make their own decisions. DD admitted on the way home from collecting GCSE results that her 8s could have been 9s if she'd worked, but quite frankly, the chances of that impacting on her life chances is minimal. She did accept a tutor for English, which was her big weakness, and that did make a difference - but she could see that that was more important.

Sometimes, the kids whose parents have managed to force them to work hard then struggle at uni, because it is just down to them.

Monetary incentives would not have worked on my daughter (she rarely bought so much as a chocolate bar).

I don't know how my zombie thread got resurrected. I completely forgot about it until it popped up in I'm On.

He got mostly 8s in his GCSEs but a 9 in one where he got a 5 in his mocks. Conversely also got a 4 where he was predicted an 8 (language subject he didn't want to do). He locked in at 6th Form, predicted As / A*s in 4 A Levels and has just sat his entrance exam for Uni.

I still tidy his room. He doesn't want to do Law any more.

What a great update. Well done to your DS.

always great to get an update and such a positive one! Well done to your DS OP