How do you help a child who Won't Be Told through their GCSEs

[FKAT]

Just that really. DS (nearly 16) has been stubborn and independent since the age of 2. No traditional parenting techniques work on him (and every time I've tried them it's ended in disaster). He can't be coached, incentivised, bribed, tutored or told.

He's academic (top set, forecast 8s&9s across most subjects) but my god is he lazy. And like most teenagers addicted to his phone. His results last year were variable - some as expected, some way behind.

I want to help him get the best GCSE results he can because he's ambitious but even asking him or doing stuff to help (like creating folders, printing things out, offer to pay for subscriptions/buy resources etc) results in arguments OR 'I'll be fine mum'. My main goal at the moment is to keep him fed (serious teenage growth spurt & hanger outbursts) and keep his room organised and clean.

I don't want him to spend this half term scrolling through tiktok. Any other tips that work on children who won't be told - much appreciated.

@ThePoshUns yep, dc1 really ‘woke up’ when he was at Uni. And he’ll say he could have done much better for his A levels. (GCSE were Covid era so he didn’t sit the exams, which I think didn’t help either)

I didn't help my dc who was similar to yours with revision. They do a lot within class anyway Yes, the laziest couldn't care less one could possibly have got all 8/9 if he'd put more effort in but what really is the point?

Think about 2 or 3 things you really want him to do so you know you've done your job in making it easy for him to succeed (or not difficult anyway). For me this was the fucking phone and we have agreed mine will use the focus mode to revise and it will be out of the bedroom at 10pm. Maybe you have this rule already and well bloody done if so.

I sat down and had a chat with her and said that I'm going to leave her to it but these are the things I need to say to her/ put in place to make ME feel like I'm doing my job as her parent properly. Otherwise it was a choice between me getting super strict about it or just agreeing at this point and saving ourselves a load of arguments and nagging throughout the year.

I am not naive enough to think this has done the trick but she did listen to me and agree so we'll see.

The problem is - you could 'force' them (their words) to sit in a room with their books out for 5 hours a day and no phone.

But you can't force them to actually do anything. They could stare in to space, whether that's defiantly, or boredom, or panic, or anything.

One of dds friends was 'forced' to revise fir 5 hours per day for the 2 weeks of Easter . She got all 3s, (they're at a grammar school) and had several panic attacks in the exam. They have their mocks after HT, and the parents solution is that 5 wasn't enough and she's been upped to 8. I think it must be destroying this poor girls confidence.

I'm talking to myself here, but coming to a conclusion, that I think I'll let my dd be when she wakes up. She'll have to find her own way.

I think for me the point is my own experience. And it's why I want my dd to do well, and get her to her potential rather than just the grades her bright mind will get her to.

I got all As at gcse. Whilst people are right that I didn't actually need them, the grades have given me a confidence that I have carried through life. Set up my own business. So, I do think good grades are worth more from a mental health perspective.

I’m on my third teenager now and I’ve come to realise through my own experience and from speaking to my friends with teens that nothing will work unless they want it to. No amount of bribing, cajoling, threats, endless words of support and encouragement, exposure to opportunities post uni etc etc etc will suddenly switch the lightbulb on.

Teenagers of today were massively impacted by covid and for many (including my 17 year old) the maturity just isn’t there. University straight after school just isn’t for everyone and for many, not at all. I would point out the consequences of not studying and then leave him be (esp re the tidy room) - he may have to resit his exams, he may pull it out of the bag just before the exams, he may decide to go to college, or go into a trade or the forces, or an apprenticeship. The world really is his oyster - but it’s his oyster, not yours.

@FKAT stop doing his bedroom etc for him. This is not preparing him for later life and I pity the partners of these sons that get so pampered.

What does he plan to do after school, what results does he need? Will his best subjects get him in even if he scores low on the ones he got 5s on in the mocks.

At the end of the day you are giving yourself a headache pushing him and he’s just going to dig his heels in. He knows what he needs to do and if he doesn’t put the effort in that’s on him and maybe a lesson he needs to learn. Resits are available to those that didn’t do well which is another lesson in itself.

My parents always used reverse psychology on me, worked a treat.

You're getting far too involved, you need to not care. He needs to learn he needs to be responsible on his own.

DS relied heavily on the CPG books at GCSE (not so useful for English but most other subjects very good, Mr Salles books better for Eng). His notes were all over the place so it was good to have resources that were set out neatly and clearly. He also watched Mr Salles, Primrose Kitten and The GCSE Maths Tutor on youtube. Using those resources he got all 7-9.

People with a strong need for personal autonomy don’t respond to threats, bribes, support or encouragement in the same way other people do.
Sometimes you get a window of opportunity but generally, you can’t do much. I would ask for feedback from school/college and ask them to encourage him to attend extra revision sessions.

Following as have a Y10 who Won’t Be Told. He’s approaching the stage where ‘the bare minimum you can get away with’ is going to come unstuck. He has no idea what he wants to do post 16 which is not helping.

If he's predicted 8s and 9s then something is going alright isn't it?

Why don't you just leave him to it?

My DD is similar. Predicted a bunch of 9s and 8s. She is doing some work and hands most of her homework in on time but she is not swotting away.

I've told her that success is not mainly in being bright but mostly in putting the effort in. Her elder cousin got all 9s not just by magic but because she worked really hard for it.

It's over to her now. If kids don't have ownership of their work they can't really care about it.

Plus different kids are different. My eldest (y11) struggles with too much support because she finds it intrusive.

My youngest loves any kind of attention and connection - the more the better- and am pretty sure when he's at GCSE stage he would love a mum who helps him with his revision timetable and prints out stuff for him.

One thing that worked for us for subjects they didn't see the merit of putting effort into was presenting it as needing to play the game (reaching your potential in gcse grades) to get to the next level for what you want to do.
We were also in a position to be able to book revision getaways - an air bnb somewhere remote and away from it all - 60%-70% time revision then being active/fresh air and good food - e.g farmhouse in the Peak District or beachside with daily surf lessons. Intensive bursts of study combined with down time for a short period of time seemed to work, but appreciate cost may be an issue.

I did similar with my daughter with her GCSEs and it worked a treat. She had coasted from Year 9 onwards, and everyone knew she was capable of doing really well. No matter how much cajoling or encouragement she got, nothing worked or motivated her to work hard and I was very worried after her mock GCSEs. I offered her a set amount per grade and she started working properly after the spring half term before her GCSEs. I also booked her onto a three day intensive revision course for the two subjects thst she was the most behind in. It was worth every penny - she got 9 A*s, 2 As, and 1 B. The B was in German, and she got a U in her mock and had rarely been to a lesson, but the revision course gave her a kick start. If I hadn't have bribed her, the results would have been very different.

My DS sounds similar, OP.

I was recently surprised to hear how anxious he was/is about the exams. I think often teens can cover this up and use procrastination to distract.

So as usual, my suggestion would be to take a bit of time out to do something that encourages him to chat, and let him talk about how he's feeling about it all. Active listening. Let him get any emotions out. And only then perhaps come in with some suggestions for how to approach studying.

Practical suggestions for study strategies have been met with outrage, but nevertheless I think they have had an impact even if he won't admit it.

I think he will definitely pick it up after his mocks - it will be like a reality check for him! I would also like to add that predicted grades are mostly always not going to be accurate, especially as he has a year to go until his exams, meaning a lot more (difficult) content will be taught. My DD was predicted mostly 7s and 8s with a two 5s, but she got straight 9s for the actual thing. Some of her friends were predicted a mainly 8s and 9s but got 5s and 6s in the actual thing - just goes to show that anything can happen!

What are his “career” aspirations?
I’ve got 4 DC, all completely different students.
One a bit similar to yours.
He got exited about doing well once he decided he wanted Uni & area of study, we looked at grades required for schools he wanted.

He was very motivated by the fear of not getting into Uni. Still didn’t study as much as I wanted, but got where he wanted to go. He was really afraid of being left behind.

Mostly get him do a small amount in the morning so at least he gets idea if he’s behind in work.
Get him one if those timers. Like a Pomodoro or similar cube timer for “breaks” so he realised how much time on phone.

Mine responds much better to natural levels attention affection support than punishment.

Similar DS here, although not predicted 8/9s!
I am fairly confident he'll coast through with 5s and 6s, which is plenty for his intended career as YouTube millionaire (he thinks).
It's hard when they don't have a set plan, it's much harder to say "well you need 7s for that" when they don't.
I am hoping that when his friends start studying, he'll start studying. He's a bright boy but I have had to try to come to terms with the fact that they are his grades not mine.
It would be sooooo much easier if they were my grades!

Thanks for all the insights. Sorry I can't reply all individually.

As I wrote the OP I realised what a dumb question I was asking. He has got to where he is without being helicoptered so why am I worried...I am surrounded by anxious pushy parents and it's rubbing off! Also my GCSE results were a path out of poverty so I am aware I am projecting.

The incentive thing I approve of - it did seem to work for his Y10 exams to some extent - though he tried to change the terms half way through. (He wants to be a lawyer LOL). I don't see anything wrong with financially rewarding good GCSE results. The whole point of exams is to make yourself employable and able to progress in a good career.

He is very aware of what grades he needs to go to sixth form (which has a high bar to entry but he should be more than capable of getting there) - the only thing he needs to look at is what Universities expect so I'll encourage him to look at that.

(I wish I'd not mentioned the room! His room is actually OK for a 16yo. He is fiercely independent and I do hardly anything for him - that's the whole point of the thread. Keeping his room tidy was the one area I thought he might let me help, to support a good learning environment. I am not raising cocklodgers - DS10 is currently making the dinner.)

I wouldn't do anything. If he is predicted 8s and 9s and gets 7s nothing happens. He still gets onto his A levels and has had a kick up the bum to try harder if he wants top grades.

If he was sitting at the 4/5 I would say focus on support in maths and english as getting those is life changing. No retakes and more course choices.

There are quite a few uni courses that ask for a 6 in maths or English, but not all. It's very subject dependent.

Maths is not a problem at all. He gets top marks without much effort. Science is the same. However he wants to do essay focused subjects at A-Level (Law, Economics, English Language) and I think he needs to work on his writing skills. He has all the ideas and analytical approach but his handwriting and essay organisation is not there.

I have one exactly the same, now Year 12. To be honest, I didn't find an answer. A not great set of mocks did help a bit. In the end he got all 9-7 plus one 6 (re-marked from a 5). Of course, that's a great set of grades, so of course it's very much first world problems, but I'm still aware that he almost certainly could have got all 8-9 with better revision. It's not all about the grades, though, and the main thing is that he's gone into sixth form really enthusiastic about his subjects, and he's working hard, and he was very pleased to have dropped the subjects he didn't like. The only concern was that his 6 (originally 5) was in one of his main sixth form subjects, but he's been very mature about talking to his teachers about carrying it on, and where he went wrong, and putting lots of work into it now.