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Secondary education

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Original poster

How do you help a child who Won't Be Told through their GCSEs

48 replies

FKAT · 28/10/2024 08:21

Just that really. DS (nearly 16) has been stubborn and independent since the age of 2. No traditional parenting techniques work on him (and every time I've tried them it's ended in disaster). He can't be coached, incentivised, bribed, tutored or told.

He's academic (top set, forecast 8s&9s across most subjects) but my god is he lazy. And like most teenagers addicted to his phone. His results last year were variable - some as expected, some way behind.

I want to help him get the best GCSE results he can because he's ambitious but even asking him or doing stuff to help (like creating folders, printing things out, offer to pay for subscriptions/buy resources etc) results in arguments OR 'I'll be fine mum'. My main goal at the moment is to keep him fed (serious teenage growth spurt & hanger outbursts) and keep his room organised and clean.

I don't want him to spend this half term scrolling through tiktok. Any other tips that work on children who won't be told - much appreciated.

OP posts:
WaitingForMojo · 28/10/2024 08:24

I think all you can do is let him take the responsibility for his own exams. Let him know you’re there to help if he needs it. Or ask him what grades he wants and what help he needs from you to give him the best chance of success?

VestPantsandSocks · 28/10/2024 08:26

Show him the entry requirements for sixth form and degree courses.

Ask him how he will feel if he doesn't get in because he didn't try hard enough.

What is his back up plan?

There is always an incentive that is appealing 😉

Singleandproud · 28/10/2024 08:26

He'll be fine, leave him be.
If he has all the resources he needs and he knows how to revise and what works for him then he will do it in his own time. Normally if they get shoddy mock results then bright lazy ones pull their finger out. If he is predicted 8s and 9s (and quite frankly predicting 9s is daft as it is the top X percent of the country) then he is highly unlikely to not get good enough grades to move on to the next stage of education.

You can't make him do it

menopausalmare · 28/10/2024 08:29

Hell have mocks soon. That might be the slap in the face he needs.

Original poster
FKAT · 28/10/2024 08:29

If he is predicted 8s and 9s (and quite frankly predicting 9s is daft as it is the top X percent of the country)

Yeah, they don't predict that formally as not their policy. I mean he got 9s in his June 'mocks' for a few subjects. Some he got 5s though.

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 28/10/2024 08:30

Keep his room tidy and clean? He’s 16. I told my kids to keep their doors closed and showed them where the clean sheets were stored.

Womblewife · 28/10/2024 08:31

Leave him to it. Fighting and arguing will just stress everyone out and not get you anywhere.

TheaBrandt · 28/10/2024 08:34

My Dd and her mates signed up to an app (Flora? Fauna?) which blocked their phones and gave them points for hours revised.
it got quite competitive. Everyone in the group
did excellently in their a levels.

LostittoBostik · 28/10/2024 08:35

Honestly, people aren't going to like this but it works. My best pal at school was this person. She had really bad demand avoidance and never did homework but was naturally very bright.

Her mum said she could have £50 for every A and £75 for every A*. This was the 90s, so you're looking at £100 and £150 in today's money.

She absolutely cleaned up. (Underage) drinks were on her that summer!

LostittoBostik · 28/10/2024 08:36

Ps: she's got two master's degrees now - and also an adhd diagnosis

Clearinguptheclutter · 28/10/2024 08:38

LostittoBostik · 28/10/2024 08:35

Honestly, people aren't going to like this but it works. My best pal at school was this person. She had really bad demand avoidance and never did homework but was naturally very bright.

Her mum said she could have £50 for every A and £75 for every A*. This was the 90s, so you're looking at £100 and £150 in today's money.

She absolutely cleaned up. (Underage) drinks were on her that summer!

Yup I’m 46 but was bribed for GCSEs. Worked for me.

Philandbill · 28/10/2024 08:39

WaitingForMojo · 28/10/2024 08:24

I think all you can do is let him take the responsibility for his own exams. Let him know you’re there to help if he needs it. Or ask him what grades he wants and what help he needs from you to give him the best chance of success?

This. Even if he is sat with books or a revision program on the laptop in front of his it'll only go in if he wants to learn. It's very frustrating but he needs to make his own mistakes or successes. As long as GCSEs get him to the next step and he's not wanting to do medicine/Oxbridge etc then A level grades are what counts.

Supersoakers · 28/10/2024 08:41

Yes I would try a cash incentive but then leave him to it, other than saying if he needs any support with organisation you are happy and would like to help and remind him of that occasionally. He will get what he deserves and he will have to live with that not you. speaking for experience.

Singleandproud · 28/10/2024 08:42

What did he get his 5s in and does he need higher to move on to the next stage?

I'd perhaps be concerned if he got a 5 in maths and wanted to take Maths and Further Maths at A Level, but if it was in History and he doesn't intend to continue it then it's fine. It feels low as it's the 1-9 system, but really it's a low B/High C - would you be so concerned if it was in the letter grades?

Most students go up a grade if not two between year 10 and 11 so I really wouldn't cause unnecessary stress about it.

Br1ll1ant · 28/10/2024 08:46

Something that worked with mine was (at the right moment!) asking to imagine himself in August opening the envelope, and how he’d feel if he hadn’t got the results he knew he could get because he hadn’t put in the work. It seemed to resonate and he did focus more. And got what he deserved! It isn’t easy and is a rotten year. Good luck to you both.

Octavia64 · 28/10/2024 08:46

If he is due to pass all of them then he won't be massively inconvenienced by getting lower results.

What subjects does he want to take for a level? If he's due to get good results in those then honestly I'd either just leave him to it and let him learn what happens if he doesn't revise or offer money.

3teens2cats · 28/10/2024 08:47

From his perspective he has gone well in mocks with little effort so can't see the problem. He's also only 16 so can't see the consequences no matter what bribe or sanctions you put in place. Even if you gut the WiFi and lock him in with his books that doesn't mean he will actively revise. It's tough to watch but back off and let him learn the only way they can.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2024 08:49

I'm in the same boat. And the answer is I can't. She just won't do any. All I di is harm our relationship in return for maybe ten minutes a day revision. Thing is, she'll get 7s+ easily anyway which is irritating but will have no preparation for Alevels or any understanding of how much work is required for them.

Mistralli · 28/10/2024 08:49

Seriously - if he gets the grades to get into college/6th form, then they just don't matter long term. Every graduate recruiter was a teenager too, knowing that performance can vary as they mature, and after graduate recruitment rounds, no ones pays attention anyway. (I say this as someone with 9A*s and 2As that I now don't even stick on my CV.)

However, I would remind him that future university admissions tutors will look at GCSEs at a predictor of A Level results that is more reliable than his teachers predictions. So, time for a talk about future aspirations? Maybe look at some uni websites etc?

Help him take ownership of his future?

Hercisback1 · 28/10/2024 08:50

You take a step back, and let him make the choice of which grades he wants.

Pushing it isn't working, so step back, reduce any pressure and leave him to it.

AnellaA · 28/10/2024 08:57

My dd is like your son, albeit a year younger. I have backed right off in the past year because she didn’t want or need my interference and has been doing brilliantly all by herself - and then she told the GP “my parents aren’t really interested in my academic progress” - cheeky! But apparently she expects me to apply some parental pressure from time to time

Notreat · 28/10/2024 08:58

WaitingForMojo · 28/10/2024 08:24

I think all you can do is let him take the responsibility for his own exams. Let him know you’re there to help if he needs it. Or ask him what grades he wants and what help he needs from you to give him the best chance of success?

I agree with this.
He has to take responsibility for his own learning.
If he doesn't do as well as he could it's not the end of the world. If he is ambitious as you say it might be a wake up call for him and he can retake if he has to.
My son was similar. He got ok but not brilliant GCSE results then straight As in his A levels (when A was the top grade). But it has always been on his terms. I learned that when he was quite young. If he wanted to do something he would and he would do it well. if he didn't want to he wouldn't. Threats, rewards etc didn't work. And actually I think young people should take responsibility for their own learning.
He is now a very lovely, hardworking person with a responsible job .

ThePoshUns · 28/10/2024 08:59

My Ds1 was the same.
I knew the more I pushed him the less likely he would respond to it.
I had to leave him to it. I did use financial incentives, which must have worked as he got good results.
Now 10 years on he recognises he could have done better but that's all on him.
He's got a 1st class degree and a top job now, so all came good in the end.

ComingBackHome · 28/10/2024 08:59

None of the things you’ve tried would ever have worked with my dcs. I’m not sure anything works because revising is something they need to decide to do for themselves.

You need to let go.
They wake up at some point. Probably later than you’d hope.
But they do.

Gingerbread981 · 28/10/2024 08:59

LostittoBostik · 28/10/2024 08:35

Honestly, people aren't going to like this but it works. My best pal at school was this person. She had really bad demand avoidance and never did homework but was naturally very bright.

Her mum said she could have £50 for every A and £75 for every A*. This was the 90s, so you're looking at £100 and £150 in today's money.

She absolutely cleaned up. (Underage) drinks were on her that summer!

I have offered my son £100 for every 7, 8 or 9. He’s still doing the bare minimum homework and revision. But he just says he’s doing better than most in his mocks. I’m hoping the next mocks might be a wake up call. He could fly, but is so lazy, laid back.