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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

My daughter doesn't want to go on her yr7 residential

45 replies

MotherS789 · 10/10/2024 21:02

Hey first time posting here, looking for some advice.
My daughter doesn't want to go on her Yr 7 residential trip. She struggles being away from home, doesn't even like sleepovers. So we've said if she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to.
I have tried to persuade her that it will be really fun and will create bigger bonds with her new friends. (Didn't help, made her upset)

Anyway my problem is, the school won't authorise her to take the 3 days off. They want her to go in and be with a different class for them 3 days as the trip is split with different houses going at different times. If that makes sense.

She really struggled settling in to secondary school and she's gone to a school completely on her own. I'm worried her going in for them 3 days will be a set back for her. Do you think I have a leg to stand on with taking her out of school?

OP posts:
KnickerlessFlannel · 10/10/2024 21:03

I think your dd has to do one or the other, she has to make the choice.

cansu · 10/10/2024 21:04

No you don't. The school are not offering the children a three day trip or a few days off. If she can't attend the trip she should be in school learning.

Imgoingtothebeach · 10/10/2024 21:04

How far away is the residential? Can you say that you will pick her up if she really doesn't like it after the first day, but she should at least try it?

Tupperwarefan · 10/10/2024 21:06

Oh I feel for your DD OP. My yr7 child also doesn't want to go on the residential but our school is doing activities with the remaining children for the three days. Is the school aware of your DD difficulties?

Tiswa · 10/10/2024 21:07

What is your attendance like outside of that

KnickerlessFlannel · 10/10/2024 21:08

Also, if she's gone 'on her own', mixing with people from a different house might allow her to widen her friendship net.

AGoingConcern · 10/10/2024 21:10

I'm sorry, the school are the reasonable ones here. Residential trips are school days.

Give DD her available choices in the most neutral way you can. Help get any info she wants about them - which classes she would be in if she stayed, details about the residential trip schedule, accomodations, food chaparones and offer to ask the school about reasonable adjustments like being assigned to a particular teacher's group on the trip. Then let her decide.

Intotheunknown23 · 10/10/2024 21:11

You know your daughter best, but speaking from experience a residential trip was traumatic for my child and I so wish I’d stood up for them and said no. Teachers always say everyone is fine, most children are (but not all).

I would take her for the day activities and bring her home at night if possible, if it’s too far then she’s either at school in different classes or if she can’t cope with that, she’s at home learning with you. Personally I wouldn’t be worrying about the attendance figures, your child is more important.

Original poster
MotherS789 · 10/10/2024 21:12

Unfortunately not as they are going to the Isle of Wight.

OP posts:
Growuppeople · 10/10/2024 21:14

Well yes go on The trip or school thought that would be normal? Otherwise everyone could have three days off if they preferred?

Skaterdressies · 10/10/2024 21:14

It's fine for her to miss the residential. Tbh, I wouldn't force my dcs to go if they felt they didn't want to. But she does have to go into school I think. What makes you think that will be a bit setback for her? I'm sure it will be fine. They usually do some sort of activity in school and she most likely won't be the only Y7 in school that day as there are always a few who don't want to do the residential.

London1305f · 10/10/2024 21:21

I don’t think you can force her to go, but if it helps my daughter was the same but decided to go as she didn’t want to feel left out. Her close friends knew she was homesick so really looked after her on the trip and she managed it. I even wrote her little notes to
open each day she was away which she said helped her a bit. A year later and on her year 8 trip she didn’t even open the notes I wrote and wasn’t homesick at all. I think it just takes some children more time to feel comfortable being away from home.

MumOfStarWars · 10/10/2024 21:21

Same situation with my DS a while back. He lasted one night out of three. Luckily close enough to collect and return each day. Agree with PPs though, your DD either goes or is in school, that’s the choice. However I wouldn’t make her go if she really doesn’t want to, it can be awful for them and potentially ruin the chance of ever wanting to go on trips when she’s older (think language trips, geography field trips, sports trips, history trips).

Original poster
MotherS789 · 10/10/2024 21:22

Yes I think she will have to just go in and be with the houses that aren't on the trip. I have ask the school if there's a way she can be home schooled them days. So we shall see what they say. They do know about her struggles.
Unfortunately nothing fun has been planned for the kids that don't want to attend.

OP posts:
napody · 10/10/2024 21:24

I think it's fine she doesn't go- as you say you can hardly pop to the Isle of Wight and collect her! But there's no reason why going to a different class should be that huge a thing- she's only been with her current group a few weeks since starting secondary, and surely she has different subjects with different groups. Can you find out whether there are any others not going on the residential?

Needmorelego · 10/10/2024 21:24

I would expect she won't be the only one not going.
There will others not going for various reasons. They will probably put all the non going ones together and find activities for them to do.
Edit: I've just seen you've said nothing special is planned. That's a bit rotten - but at least she won't be the only one from her house at school.

AGoingConcern · 10/10/2024 21:32

OP, gently, you seem to be being a bit of a lawnmower parent here.

Supporting your DD's decision not to go on the residential rather than trying to force her is wise. And the school are in full suport of that decision. But you seem to be trying to avoid her being faced with even the potential of slight discomfort by spending those days at her school with other year-mates.

Ask the school for info on what your DD will be doing that day (which teachers she will be with, what she'll be doing, how many others from her house aren't going on the trip) so DD knows what to expect. Plan some small treats with your DD after school each day and something fun for the weekend after so she has something positive to look forward to. If you're worried, make a secret contingency plan to pick her up early if she's struggling, but don't tell her you think she's going to - be positive about it, don't plan't any fears in her mind.

Tiswa · 10/10/2024 21:37

AGoingConcern · 10/10/2024 21:32

OP, gently, you seem to be being a bit of a lawnmower parent here.

Supporting your DD's decision not to go on the residential rather than trying to force her is wise. And the school are in full suport of that decision. But you seem to be trying to avoid her being faced with even the potential of slight discomfort by spending those days at her school with other year-mates.

Ask the school for info on what your DD will be doing that day (which teachers she will be with, what she'll be doing, how many others from her house aren't going on the trip) so DD knows what to expect. Plan some small treats with your DD after school each day and something fun for the weekend after so she has something positive to look forward to. If you're worried, make a secret contingency plan to pick her up early if she's struggling, but don't tell her you think she's going to - be positive about it, don't plan't any fears in her mind.

Edited

I suspect you haven’t had a child with EBSA because school anxiety is a very tricky thing to handle and it is about balancing out decisions and what potential impacts will be on the longer term attendance - sometimes getting a day or two unauthorised and balancing out the rolling 5 days is the only way forward.

In an ideal world all students would be happy to go but that isn’t how life works so they should be looking at the long term here

SallyWD · 10/10/2024 21:38

Poor girl. When is it? Ours is in July so it gives them time to get to know everyone before it happens. I know it's hard. I have an exceptionally anxious son in year 7 and life is a struggle for him. However I do know that whenever he's pushed himself out of his comfort zone he doesn't regret. It's always an opportunity to build his confidence.

littlepurplerose · 10/10/2024 21:39

I would probably just say she's ill for those few days and yes it will be obvious but who gives a toss.

Do what's right for your daughter. School rules are thoughtless and impersonal.

Chromey · 10/10/2024 21:40

I don't think she should be pushed into the residential she is still very young, but she needs to know she has to go to school for those three days.

Longhotsummers · 10/10/2024 21:41

Fine that she doesn’t want to go on the trip but you’re doing nothing to build her resilience by saying she can be at home instead. If it’s a school day, she should be in school. Simple.

theeyeofdoe · 10/10/2024 21:44

OP that’s the choice - residential or another class

AGoingConcern · 10/10/2024 21:45

Tiswa · 10/10/2024 21:37

I suspect you haven’t had a child with EBSA because school anxiety is a very tricky thing to handle and it is about balancing out decisions and what potential impacts will be on the longer term attendance - sometimes getting a day or two unauthorised and balancing out the rolling 5 days is the only way forward.

In an ideal world all students would be happy to go but that isn’t how life works so they should be looking at the long term here

Show quote history

I've been that child, actually, and I now I'm the parent of a highly anxious child. Jumping to "you must not know about this topic" every time someone has a different view is lazy thinking.

OP actually hasn't described her DD refusing to go to school or being intensely distressed at the prospect of spending these days at school with a different house if she doesn't go on the residential. Perhaps that's coming in a drip feed. But if that's not the case, my approach would be to first try to set DD up for success in stretching herself a bit (help chase down info to remove as much of the unknown as possible, don't plant fears she's not expressing, don't teach that slightly intimidating situations should be routinely avoided, and help her plan positive things on each day). And if that actually doesn't work and DD is distressed, have a plan in place to pick her up and just accept the unauthorized absence(s).

theeyeofdoe · 10/10/2024 21:45

Chromey · 10/10/2024 21:40

I don't think she should be pushed into the residential she is still very young, but she needs to know she has to go to school for those three days.

She’s 11/12!