My daughter doesn't want to go on her yr7 residential

[MotherS789]

Hey first time posting here, looking for some advice.
My daughter doesn't want to go on her Yr 7 residential trip. She struggles being away from home, doesn't even like sleepovers. So we've said if she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to.
I have tried to persuade her that it will be really fun and will create bigger bonds with her new friends. (Didn't help, made her upset)

Anyway my problem is, the school won't authorise her to take the 3 days off. They want her to go in and be with a different class for them 3 days as the trip is split with different houses going at different times. If that makes sense.

She really struggled settling in to secondary school and she's gone to a school completely on her own. I'm worried her going in for them 3 days will be a set back for her. Do you think I have a leg to stand on with taking her out of school?

I didn't go on my year 7 residential. It was great. Those of us who who stayed behind spent the whole time watching films and playing games

I agree with the others, if she’s not going on the residential, then she has to be in school.

No problem if she doesn’t want to go. But she can’t have a 3 day jolly. They will all want to do the same!

I'm not aware of what a lawnmower parent is.

Having to be in lessons if you opt put of a trip is pretty standard.

Of course, you could take her out for three days, unauthorised. Its below the fine threshold

This has got to be my favourite response 🤣

Just so you are all aware. I wasn't the one that suggested to my daughter she can stay at home. This came from her, crying and anxious about it. The trip is this Monday coming. So very early into her starting secondary school.

I pushed DS to go on Y7 residential and wish I hadn't as he hated it - he'd been to same place in primary school and enjoyed it hence why I pushed him but I hadn't allowed for fact that the school used that stupid logic of "we'll put two quiet boys in tent with three loud misbehaving and the quiet boys will calm them down". So good on you for supporting her decision. But yes she should go into school and try not to infer there's an option not to - but if you can find out exactly what she will be doing for those three days it will hopefully help her (it would if it was DS anyway) and it could actually help her to make more friends. Also, have the school said whether there'll be others also not going because if so that will probably make it easier for her?

This was the same situation my dd was in, although it was y8.
She had the choice, residential with her form group or go to a different class.
She chose to stay in school and said it was fine as she knew some of the other kids. They were mixed for some subjects across the whole of the ‘half’ (school operates two halves per year, and a two week timetable). Had she come home on day 1 and been very upset I would have called her in sick for the remaining 2 days, telling school she had been sick with the upset of it all. But there was no problem at all.
If your dd is really anxious about it all, an email to the HoY explaining the concern might mean they have other options within school, eg the learning support area or student services. She can go in and if she needs to get them to call you, so be it. At least she will be marked in. She might surprise you though, I wouldn’t necessarily assume the worst.

Thank you. I think this is what we will do.

Lawnmower parents default to going around trying to remove all obstacles and potential discomfort from their children's paths, rather than focusing on helping children navigate and overcome them. It's well intentioned and born out of love, but it can inhibit the child/adolescent's development.

The school aren't going to approve authorized absences, but if worse comes to worst, you can take them unauthorized. I'd focus on first figuring out ways to make going to school for at least part of those three days more manageable for your DD instead of going straight to not going at all. Information is usually my first line of treatment for anxiety - help gather info so she can picture what she'll be doing and who she'll be with. Suggest planning small rewards for each afternoon. Listen to her worries without amplifying or downplaying. Ask if there are things she thinks might help, like being able to spend time in the office or learning center if possible, and offer to talk to the school. If she's still in distress or refusing to go, propose a half day and see if that feels more manageable.

And if that all fails and in the end she has some unauthorized absences it's not the end of the world.

She has a choice - go on the residential trip or go to school. No school is going to authorise time off. Keeping your daughter off school is not going to help her, you are then allowing her to run away from the issues she's having. Make an appointment with the Pastoral Care team at her school and explain the situation. They may be able to work with your daughter, to try strategies to help. Year 7 is daunting for some children, but with the right support your daughter will settle.

you do know your daughter can just happen to be ill on the day they leave, right? that is what i would do. sore throat or whatever.

My DD feels the same. Luckily her residential isn’t until nearer the end of Y7. She has done Primary School residentials but Y7 is a new school without her friends and for a week. There has already been a few tears from her about the prospect.

You probably won't get anywhere with the school.

If she's adamant that she won't go on the trip, encourage her to go to school. If she hates it after the first day, let her stay home for the remaining 2 days. People may say this is wrong and make her have no work ethic etc 🙄, but I've done similar with my children for different reasons and they're all doing well. They just know I have their back.

Has she always been anxious, or is she just struggling due to the change to secondary and it being early days?

My DD didn't want to go. Autistic and hates sleeping anywhere but home. She went and we got 3 phone calls a night from the teachers who couldn't settle her. But in hindsight she said she enjoyed it. It was just the sleeping that was difficult. She enjoyed the activities and it cemented friendships. I'd say it worth trying if she can...

Ps we offered to do the 5 hour drive to collect her and stay nearby but she's wasn't keen on that either. Sometimes it's best just to get through a bit of discomfort, especially if it's short term.

It's one of those dilemmas where you hope she would actually enjoy it and make new friends. Even (and especially) at an early age, getting out of your comfort zone builds good skills and experience.

However if you're really not happy for her to do this, then yes it's still classed as being in school so she will have to attend. It's a school trip, organised and led by teachers, not just a fun few nights away, which it will be.

I remember in y7 going abroad with school and had anxiety and the first night felt homesick but after that it was amazing! Xx

My dc didn't want to attend any residential, which is fine as they aren't compulsory. She just attended school with the pupils who didn't go , and school made arrangements for them.

I was like your DD, I hated sleepovers and didn't go on the year 6 or 7 residential. My DM had an accident when I was younger and we spent a lot of time staying with grandparents while she was in hospital/ subsequent operations, which I think is where it stemmed from. I do wish my parents had tried to talk to me and persuaded me to give it a go.

I don't remember being negatively impacted from not going on the residential, it was so early on in year 7 that the kids who already knew each other still stuck together. I'm sure she will be fine and settle in soon.