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Secondary education

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Original poster

Daughter refuses to attend

30 replies

JHuff · 19/09/2024 09:29

My daughter refuses to wake up and get out of bed and go to school. Since returning back when summer holidays finished she has managed it 3 times over the 2 weeks. She goes to sleep very late. I don't know how long I can carry on starting and finishing every day with an argument.

OP posts:
K0OLA1D · 19/09/2024 09:31

How old is she?

Kitkat1523 · 19/09/2024 09:33

Are school supporting ?

Spenditlikebeckham · 19/09/2024 09:35

WiFi off at bedtime can help...

Wwyd2025 · 19/09/2024 09:36

Why is she going to sleep late? Watching tv? On her phone?

I'd be stopping whatever is keeping her awake.

Wwyd2025 · 19/09/2024 09:36

Spenditlikebeckham · 19/09/2024 09:35

WiFi off at bedtime can help...

Exactly, some people just need to actually parent.

Octavia64 · 19/09/2024 09:37

How old?

School can offer support with this. Get in touch with them.

SamPoodle123 · 19/09/2024 10:48

I would take away her phone by 9pm and shut wifi at the same time. She might need some time to adjust, but will begin sleeping earlier. And she must understand school is not an option. Is there an issue going on at her school? I would work with the school to find out if there is something going on. Or give her tough love and take away the phone all together and say she can have it when she goes to school.

MissyB1 · 19/09/2024 10:56

Can you give us more details of the problem? Is it lack of sleep? Does she have her phone in her bedroom? How old is she?

Coruscations · 19/09/2024 10:58

Point out that ultimately you can go to prison for this and she would then go into care.

poppyzbrite4 · 19/09/2024 11:01

Just explain to the school that she has no boundaries and you simply can't do anything.

JMSA · 19/09/2024 11:03

Exactly, some people just need to actually parent.

Don't be so fucking judgemental. You know nothing of the OP's situation, or that of her daughter. However I suspect there's more to the school refusal than the WiFi being on too late!

SummerHouse · 19/09/2024 11:19

I don't think you can know how hard this is unless you face it. It seems very simple to just insist your child goes when you have a generally compliant child. I can offer you a hand hold OP. Which is pretty useless but well intended.

Foxesandsquirrels · 19/09/2024 11:21

SummerHouse · 19/09/2024 11:19

I don't think you can know how hard this is unless you face it. It seems very simple to just insist your child goes when you have a generally compliant child. I can offer you a hand hold OP. Which is pretty useless but well intended.

Exactly. Once they figure out no one can make them, it's really no use blocking WiFi or anything. People just don't get it. Some schools are better than others though so do reach out to them OP.

GoneIsAnotherSummersDay · 19/09/2024 11:30

Wwyd2025 · 19/09/2024 09:36

Exactly, some people just need to actually parent.

Show quote history

How can you possibly make a judgement like this on the tiny amount of information we have to go on?

lololulu · 19/09/2024 11:31

Our school allow these kids to come in for
3 1/2 days. It's madness as everyone will try to do it. Obviously if SEN or other factors are involved it's more difficult.

I don't know how parents can force their kid into school. I'd speak with school and ask for their advice.

Was she ok before the holidays?

MermaidEyes · 19/09/2024 11:35

Was she like this before the holidays? If not then you need to figure out what's changed. Is something keeping her awake at night? ie worrying about something, not the WiFi being on.

KnittedCardi · 19/09/2024 11:35

Unless there is a medical reason, you get her out of bed and take her in. Sorry, but DD suffered really badly with anxiety and insomnia for years, I woke her up every morning and took her in regardless. You need to keep up a routine, otherwise it's really hard to get back on it. Tough love.

BrokenSushiLook · 19/09/2024 11:38

Not enough info.

This could be a case of undiagnosed autism, successfully masked at primary school but now totally overwhelmed by the secondary environment. If so, none of the tough parenting suggestions above will work.

Or maybe not. We need more details @JHuff

PlantDoctor · 19/09/2024 11:38

Is she being bullied?

GoneIsAnotherSummersDay · 19/09/2024 11:40

How exactly does one get a teenager out of bed and make them go to school? If they're not bothered by losing priveleges or rewards and are in some sort of shutdown how the hell can you 'make' them?

I'm interested to know. School refusal is growing. If it was that easy the rates of absence would not be what they are.

Player5 · 19/09/2024 11:40

You need to take her phone at away at bedtime and remove all electrical devices from her room. She can't sit on her phone, tablet or laptop all night and then be late for school.

Cocoalover · 19/09/2024 11:44

My son just started secondary school, too. If he refuses to get out of bed, I turn his lights on, open the window, and take his blanket off him because I know that doing those things will eventually get him out of bed. If I just allowed him to stay in bed, he would stay there. You can't back down and allow her to stay in bed. You're the parent. Find a way to get her up. Bear in mind that my child is also autistic and it can be incredibly difficult to get him into school but I don't back down and I don't allow him to have his own way because that leads to a bigger problem. Stand your ground, firm boundaries around bedtime, screens/WiFi. Find something to encourage her to go to school, a small reward of her choice, or extra screen time?

Iloveagoodnap · 19/09/2024 12:16

If it is just that she's stayed up too late and doesn't want to wake up then I would be firmly insisting every day that she gets up. My eldest was similar and I did resort a couple of times to dragging the duvet off him. He just knew it was non negotiable - he was going to have to get up and go to school. He knew he would have been in big trouble if he tried to absolutely refuse - devices taken away for weeks on end etc. He did always get up and go but was late for school a few times and wound up with detentions. When we realised the detentions alone weren't changing his mindset we also started docking his pocket money for every detention he got and that did motivate him to get up a bit earlier!

We had rules about devices in bedrooms and also had everything set to turn off at a certain time but our son seemed to be able to distract himself with various things in his room. We did have the conversation at one point about stripping everything but his bed out of his room if he couldn't get to sleep but things improved for a while after that.

Original poster
JHuff · 19/09/2024 12:52

Spenditlikebeckham · 19/09/2024 09:35

WiFi off at bedtime can help...

Should have mentioned she is 14 and has ADHD. If you try to take phone off her at a reasonable time she gets very angry and starts throwing furniture about and shouting, which has obviously resulted in neighbours complaining. The problem is I know what I should be doing to parent her but it's not that easy.

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 19/09/2024 13:20

If this is a new thing, then you need to contact the school and jointly develop a support plan.

If it has been happening for some time, what strategies were used previously, both by you and the school OP? Has anything changed recently to make her so reluctant?