Am I being a helicopter mom?

[Loramora]

Hi

I need some advice and am fully prepared for people to (kindly) tell me I’m being over protective.
my son started secondary school last week, first time getting the bus on his own there and back this week (last week I did it with him so he was familiar). He left the house this morning usual time and when I rang him 20 mins later to check he was off the bus and heading into school etc he answered the phone really upset and crying. The bus driver had not realised he was waiting (yes he pressed the button and was stood up and waiting to get off) and drove completely past his stop so my son had to get off at the next one (quite a distance away) and walk back on himself. I reassured him it’s okay it’s not his fault, it’s okay if he’s late just explain to the teacher at the ‘late gate’ what happened. He stayed on the phone to me until he approached Late Gate and I heard the teacher say ‘why are you late’ and he said my bus driver didn’t stop at my stop and the teacher was quiet rude and said ‘so YOU missed your stop, get in’. My son then ended the call naturally as he’s not allowed to be on his phone in school grounds.
I have cried all morning about it, part of me understands things happen, it’s part of school life, it’s not the end of the world, but another part of me just feels so upset, I think it’s a combination of him going to secondary school, worrying about him being on the bus by himself, ME not feeling ready for him to be at secondary school, general feelings of not liking to hear my child be upset and how rude the teacher was to him. He is also on the pathway to an ADHD assessment which the school is aware of, but likely to be another 12 months until we get an appointment.

would I be unreasonable to call the school and speak to his head of year/house to explain how upset he was and that I’m worried about him and how I didn’t like the teachers tone? Or am I being over protective? I don’t want to get labelled as ‘one of those’ parents. Fully willing to accept if he gets a detention for being late then so be it, i won’t argue about it or protest it’s not deserved as I understand rules are rules and he has to be treated the same as every other student. I won’t be disappointed in him for getting one for this reason and he knows that. But I also know I’m going to be dithering about all day worried about him.

I would speak to the school tbh.

My DS2 is a really good kid, always on time, works hard etc. One time he was a bit late as the bus was delayed and he got told off, so yes we spoke to them as it had really upset him.

DH used to be a secondary teacher and will not hesitate to complain if our child is treated unfairly, as he knows how harsh some of the teaching staff can be.

I think your son, although upset managed thesituation well and got himself to school. The teacher was cynical about the reason but maybe heard that before many times. Next time your son will make his way to the front of the bus , but were there no other children getting off,seems a bit odd. I'd just treat it as one of those learning events and move on.

no funnily enough we only got into this school as he has a brother (on his dads side) already there a few years above him but I think if he hadn’t we wouldn’t have got this school as it’s just a smidge too far out, so not many kids on his bus at all, I think we’ve seen maybe 2 kids get on his bus all week, the rest walk or get the other bus in the opposite direction.
thank you for your comment I appreciate your perspective x

I’d leave it.

Expectations at comp are a massive jump up from primary.

He managed the situation well, being upset is a natural response and shows that he cares.

I honestly think the school has more important things to do than this, OP.

I expect the teacher has heard the bus excuse a thousand times.

They were tough on him but I'd leave it now.

There will be many more times a member of staff speaks a little harshly to him, and you can't get involved in all of them or he'll never learn resilience.

He'll probably have forgotten all about it by home time, or he'll have filed it under 'eye roll'.

Yeh I would leave it as well. You cannot possibly be policing the tone of every teacher. Your son was late and it sounds like he dealt with it pretty well.

I think it's ok to complain if a child is treated unfairly, but I don't think this is really an example of that. It's a learning moment for your son and it sounds as tho he is managing well.

Okay, thank you.

please be gentle with me I have found him starting secondary really tough. 😂😞

Who hasn't been gentle with you?

Its a big step up for some kids to secondary school. I wouldn't bother ringing the school but maybe have a chat with your son that if he feels it's an ongoing thing where teachers are being unreasonable to speak to you and then you could call them?
But probably a one of event, I'd praise gin for getting himself to school and dealing with the situation, also that if he gets a detention not to worry about it.

I'd leave it, and I say that as a parent who often has to sit on her hands because I know it's important for DD to learn how to navigate tricky situations. The first few weeks at secondary are a learning curve for you both but it will get easier. Your DS is lucky to have you in his corner.

You know this is a perfect time to teach resilience. Don't contact the school but when he comes home tell him you are so proud of him for doing the journey alone for the first time and that despite the bus driver not stopping and him having to get back to school from another stop he did it all on his own. Tell him to ignore the grumpy teacher and that things often go wrong on journeys and just in life generally - but that he still got to school despite the issues and that is the important thing.

I did a similar thing with DS (ASD) when he was that age and still now he remembers it and I still say, you handled it and that is what you need to remember - don't panic, just think 'what can I do to sort this situation out?'. Super important life skill.

You need to stop worrying all day!

I would certainly not speak to the school about this. It is a shame the bus driver didn’t stop, but your DS handled it well.

Sometimes, your DS will be spoken to harshly by teachers in secondary school. Occasionally he will make a mistake or an error of judgment and be told off justifiably. Other times, he might just be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get told off unfairly for something he didn’t do. It is important that he learns that life isn’t always completely fair. You can help him by explaining that he did the right thing, and the teacher that told him off at the gate is a human being that is there to police lateness and doesn’t know your DS. This is a good opportunity to teach him about resilience.

This is such a minor thing to have happened. A bus driver made a mistake and the teacher was a little harsh. You really must make sure you don’t let your DS know how much it has affected you.

OP have you also got ADHD?
Because your response (and your son's) to this seem to demonstrate RSD, which I also have.

It can be hard for people to understand that some of us obsess over slight things and get very upset about them.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd

@SaffronsMadAboutMe the eye roll. I was worried about how my DS would cope with secondary school after a lovely nurturing primary but now in year 9 he has the eye roll perfected! He's a good lad and has learned to deal with incidents well despite being (diagnosed) ND. I'd see if he can manage without intervention first but obviously get involved if you really need to.

Sorry but I do think you're over reacting. It's a mistake, and it's an opportunity to teach resilience. Don't call the school. And consider some support for your own mental health, I really don't think crying all morning over something like this is normal - that is honesty from a kind place, not having a go.

No, I am however due on any day now so I imagine that has absolutely a lot to do with this mornings melt down. He won’t have any idea I’ve been a mess this morning, and as previous poster said there is a part of me that thinks he’ll probably come through the door at home time and not be arsed or have forgotten all about it.

thanks everybody, I am just very over sensitive this morning, not usually! Mental health usually okay but thank you, genuinely, for your concern.

Parents generally experience some form of “grief” when there child reaches puberty/secondary school age. Your child is changing, their environment is changing and they are becoming young adults- becoming more independent. It is very normal to experience sadness during this period.

He dealt with it just fine. And this is a the perfect opportunity to teach resilience. He will have many many people speak to him over the course of his life not in a nicey nicey way and you can’t overreact to everything.
Please stop coddling him. He is 11, not a little toddler.

I think it can be difficult when they start off in the big wide world of secondary school.
Maybe try to take this as an opportunity to trust in your parenting thus far and the fact that he handled it well.
Don't sweat the small stuff, and keep it in context. Teenage years can be challenging enough!

Oh OP, he probably forgot all about it ten minutes later! Don’t worry, it’s part of growing up , dealing with the minor injustices of life.

No coddling going on; posted for advice here before I did anything as I needed opinions on if I was being over sensitive. Majority have said I am, so I have took that on board and not contacted the school. He’s none the wiser. Thank you though.

Op I do feel you, my DS started last week too and it’s so much stricter than primary! Lots of adjustment needed for us all.

You really shouldn’t speak to the school, OP. The general secondary rule among teachers when dealing with year 7 is ‘Don’t smile till Xmas’. Your son will probably find they speak less harshly to him later in the year. He handled it well and he’ll have much harsher situations to deal with throughout his school career.