Am I being a helicopter mom?

[Loramora]

Hi

I need some advice and am fully prepared for people to (kindly) tell me I’m being over protective.
my son started secondary school last week, first time getting the bus on his own there and back this week (last week I did it with him so he was familiar). He left the house this morning usual time and when I rang him 20 mins later to check he was off the bus and heading into school etc he answered the phone really upset and crying. The bus driver had not realised he was waiting (yes he pressed the button and was stood up and waiting to get off) and drove completely past his stop so my son had to get off at the next one (quite a distance away) and walk back on himself. I reassured him it’s okay it’s not his fault, it’s okay if he’s late just explain to the teacher at the ‘late gate’ what happened. He stayed on the phone to me until he approached Late Gate and I heard the teacher say ‘why are you late’ and he said my bus driver didn’t stop at my stop and the teacher was quiet rude and said ‘so YOU missed your stop, get in’. My son then ended the call naturally as he’s not allowed to be on his phone in school grounds.
I have cried all morning about it, part of me understands things happen, it’s part of school life, it’s not the end of the world, but another part of me just feels so upset, I think it’s a combination of him going to secondary school, worrying about him being on the bus by himself, ME not feeling ready for him to be at secondary school, general feelings of not liking to hear my child be upset and how rude the teacher was to him. He is also on the pathway to an ADHD assessment which the school is aware of, but likely to be another 12 months until we get an appointment.

would I be unreasonable to call the school and speak to his head of year/house to explain how upset he was and that I’m worried about him and how I didn’t like the teachers tone? Or am I being over protective? I don’t want to get labelled as ‘one of those’ parents. Fully willing to accept if he gets a detention for being late then so be it, i won’t argue about it or protest it’s not deserved as I understand rules are rules and he has to be treated the same as every other student. I won’t be disappointed in him for getting one for this reason and he knows that. But I also know I’m going to be dithering about all day worried about him.

The general secondary rule among teachers when dealing with year 7 is ‘Don’t smile till Xmas’.

WTF? This is horrible and I’m pretty sure it’s not the case at my DD’s school. There is a lot of encouragement and help in the first few weeks - as long as the kids appear to be trying their best. (Any sign of an attitude problem and it’s different).

OP, I would only speak to the school if in a few weeks there appears to be a pattern of over harsh reactions - and I mean detentions not grumpy comments. Please don’t call them about a grumpy comment.

Both you and your son need to work on resilience. Why are you ringing to check up on him 20 minutes after he leaves the house? How can he build confidence in his abilities if you behave like you don't even trust him to get the bus to school independently? Take a huge step back.

You need to encourage him to learn by doing, rather than by you doing everything for him.

Get him to do some more bus journeys (without you) outside of school so that he gains more confidence in navigating this by himself.

Phoning the school is not the right approach on this one - equipping your child with confidence and life skills is and stop checking up on him.

Gently, separate your emotions from his. If he is upset, then pursue it, if he isn't then you have to suck it up.

Secondary school is harsher than primary. Its is more real life and the reality is that not everyone is kind or forgiving. It's a hard lesson.

Give him a hug when he gets home.

Have to say I agree with this .

I have 3 kids who went through long commutes and rude teachers, and this is what I think in retrospect-

The message we want to give our kids is not to confuse minor inconvenience (having to walk back from a bus stop) or minor injustice (teacher not believing you when you are telling the truth), with true problems (bullying, sustained unkindness, serious illness etc).

Tell your son what a great job he did, dealing with everything- how proud you are of that, and how important it is to be able to cope with all the crap that life throws at you. Don't let him see how upset you are because it will worry him and make him feel like maybe this is really awful and maybe he can't deal with it, which is not the message you want to give.

Also listen to him and agree that the teacher was unpardonably rude, which is upsetting and not ok, that it was probably because he assumes kids are making up excuses, and that there are always going to be people like that around, and that your son dealt with that well too. Maybe the teacher was having a bad day, but if he is rude again, please tell you.

Sorry I should have claified, I call him as at the moment I can’t afford to top up his phone, i shouldered all the uniform/bus pass/school supplies expense on my own (ex is in the picture but useless and unreliable, and tight!) so I can’t afford to top his phone up until next week, so instead of him giving me a quick text to say ‘I’m at school safely’ I just ring him to make sure he’s there and no problems etc. I don’t envision him to text me every day for all of his school days that he’s got to school but I just thought for the first week or so when he’s doing it on his own that I’d just check in.

thank you for all your perspectives, I didn’t call the school, and you are all right, I need to build some resilience for myself and him. Being due on and being on my own with everything I think I probably do helicopter a bit. It’s new situation for us he’s only been there 8 days! Im sure I’ll peel myself off the ceiling a bit once he’s settled in.

It’s all new, normal to be anxious although crying does sound like you need to build on resilience.

DD started secondary this month and when she didn’t send her usual text to tell me she had arrived I called the school in a mild panic. The attendance officer told me in a slightly weary voice that DD was at school. It sounded like she had received similar calls all week from new parents.