Teen girls, periods & toilet access - how does it work for your daughter?

[LivingInaBuiltSite]

So I have many issues with DD’s right now, this is just one of them.

DD is 13, started her periods approx 6 months ago.

Her school previously had 100min lessons (x3 a day), not really allowed to go to the toilet during lessons.
When she started her periods, she found out herself from her Pastoral Lead that she could request a toilet pass every time she had a period so she could access the toilets during lessons by showing this pass to her teachers. Obviously this meant she had to go to the pastoral person, say she had her period, get the pass. And everyone in lessons would pretty much know too. But at least she could go.

Now school are trialing 60min lessons (which I totally agree with and thought the 100mins was crazy - esp as an ex-teacher and I briefly taught there years ago). This means the gap between breaks is now 120minutes though. Allocated 30secs to change lessons (separate issue!) and definitely not allowed the toilet in that time.

So, back to pastoral team to ask for toilet passes but…now the pastoral team only accept written paper slips for requests for anything. The woman has put her hand up to DD and said no you can’t come in to talk to me, you have to submit a slip. Once Dd submitted a slip about bullying (another huge separate issue) and the lead said she didn’t get it for a month. Not going to work for the toilet pass!

DD is pretty capable and has spoken to the SENCo team lady who is lovely (DD has dyslexia so knows her from that and collecting laptops during the school day, not sure how that’s going to work in the 30secs either!). This lady has said she will sort a permanent toilet pass for DD but it hasn’t materialised yet.

How do your DD’s manage at their schools? What is normal? I will be contacting school anyway about other issues but want to know what’s standard before I raise this too.

i do not normally contact school I would like to point out. I’m an ex teacher I want to leave school to get on with it. But I go from dormant to some sort of raging mama bear and I can feel it rising!

I teach in a school where if a student asks to go to the toilet, I let them. If it’s someone who keeps asking I may have a quiet word with them another time or flag it to see if it’s an issue, but generally I trust my kids to only go if they need to.

My DD is the same age as yours and when she’s on her period she says she goes at break / lunch but if she needed to go in the middle of a lesson she’d just ask and it should be fine.

I understand that some schools have huge problems with antisocial behaviour in toilets and bullying etc, so need to keep an eye on frequent toilet visits, but it seems overly complicated to have to get toilet pass every month. I think in your situation I’d be contacting the person who said they’d sort a permanent toilet pass and chase it up. Does your DD have particularly heavy periods so she’s need to go during lessons? Or is it that she might just come on during a lesson? I’d explain whatever the issue is to Head of Year / tutor etc and see what they say.

It's insane. My daughter was allowed a toilet pass for 3 months which allowed her to leave during lessons.

Logic then tells you she could go at break time but sadly not - it's a 15 min break. You get in the queue, wait 15 minutes and if you are lucky enough to have made the front - great but the rest of you off to lessons without using the toilet. Then you get to class and ask to leave and are told you should have gone at break!

I've told my daughter if she genuinely needs to go to the toilet to avoid an accident or embarrassment that she politely ask and if she is turned down to say 'I'm very sorry but I really have to use the toilet' and to leave the classroom. If she gets in trouble I will 100% back her up.

We've reached another new problem now though. Now toilets are locked. And you have to find the teacher with the key who is often dealing with behavioural / medical issues in a very large school.

I realise it is because children mess around and ask to go to the loo to miss class but that doesn't change the fact that these girls are dealing with a tough change and it's been made a lot more stressful than it needs to be!

My DD says she never needs to visit the toilet in lesson times. She knows when her period is due and wears the lighter modibodi if she's worried it will start in the school day. Other than that she goes to the toilet at lunchtime.

DD has a toilet pass as she's autistic and uses them when it's quiet. But otherwise she wears period underwear which would last a school day anyway, she's uses the older ones on the days either end of her period and newer more absorbent ones during the main weeks. She also uses sanitary towels but again with the right absorbency should get you through a good wedge of day. Student with medical issues including heavy periods also get a toilet pass.

I used to teach at a secondary (it wasn't a good one and steadily went down hill) and we were told not to let students go to the toilet and to call "on call" (who never came!). I sat in a staff training meeting and a male staff member asked if in fact a girl said she was on her period whether they could wait until the end of the lesson or whether it was urgent and he had to call the floating staff to take her and the FEMALE SENDCO said "yes, of course they can wait, periods are a normal part of life and they should be better organised if female staff can manage it the students can" not taking into account general unpredictability at the start, flooding or any other issues.
This was a school where half the toilets didn't have toilet seats/locks/toilet roll (due to vandalism) so there was always a massive queue or students smoking/vaping in them and students regularly self harmed and even an OD'd once in them so I understand keeping control of toilet access but preventing girls from accessing them can not be the way.

If she needs to be in a toilet every 120 minutes during her period, she needs some support in managing them. There will be one off occasions where female students need to visit the toilet during their period (and staff), but every time indicates a medical issue, not routine period management.

I'll caveat this by assuming she can access a toilet before school, during break, lunch, and after school.

On my phone so apologies.

That’s lovely for your DD @PatChaunceysFruitCake who always manages to know when she’s due and doesn’t have huge queues at break times.
She’s very lucky.

DD has period pants and pads of various sizes. A couple of times she has leaked through everything (black skirt luckily) and phoned to come home and shower.

There is the queue issue as well as being relatively new to periods and getting caught out when it starts. She does use an app to try and track it but it’s not 100% regular yet.

I have emailed and phoned today to leave messages with the person who promised the permanent pass but no response. Tbh it’s not actually her job as senco so it’s kind of her to try and sort the issue.

Along with the other issues I’m having with school it just feels like the final straw.

@MultiplaLight i never said she needed to go every lesson but to cover her period she needs to get a pass in case she needs to go at all anytime during the days the period lasts.

it is still very unpredictable for her snd must be pretty heavy on day 1 especially as she has leaked a couple of times.

Gah, women who say you should be able to predict/ track your periods and/ or manage them before school, during breaks and after school clearly are the lucky women who don't have difficult periods and they make me rage how they dismiss other women's lived experiences!!! I had wildly unpredictable periods my entire life - 5 months with nothing, then huge flooding and passing out from the pain - and often in school!! If I was denied access to the toilets it would have been horrific; it was bad enough dealing with it as an adult on business trips/ in offices/ hotels etc!

You really need to chase up on that permanent toilet pass and in the interim give your dd full backing to politely walk out when needing the toilet despite teacher saying no.

Thank you @EweCee and others too.

I will chase the pass tomorrow and tell dd to walk out if needed. Equally I will remind her to use the app and see if she can start predicting things a bit better in case she’s missing something there.

deep down I still feel it’s wrong to restrict toilet access the way some schools are doing. And as for them being locked - I’ve read that about schools before, madness.

Mumsnet at its best...

The question was:

'How do your DD’s manage at their schools? What is normal?'

You give a genuine answer and get a sarcastic response 😂😂😂

OP, next time specify that you only want replies from people who agree with you rather than a range of answers to your question.

If this happens to my DD at secondary I will be raging.
You can’t tell when your period is about to start (could be an unknown month/day/hour or minute spending on your cycle) and I remember as a teen sitting in a lesson and then standing up and it would feel like it was about to flood everywhere and Id need go to the loo between lessons sometimes. Why do schools need to make a ridiculous thing of toilet passes etc - if a girl has a period. That’s half the school! Or all if it’s a girls school!

@fashionqueen0123 because students can't be trusted, they bunk lessons, vandalise toilets, smoke/vape, self harm and OD in them not to mention sexual assaults all of which happen fairly frequently in UK schools.

Apologies @PatChaunceysFruitCake i shouldn’t have been sarky. I’m stressed about the whole school atm and this new issue has tipped me over.

I did ask and you answered. I suppose I meant more - how does the school manage the situation when girls need to go mid lesson? What are the various rules and do they work? I’d like to suggest a solution to school but accept all the behaviour issues that also come with toilet usage at school with teens.

when I taught there years and years ago, they employed someone to sit at the entrance to the loos to keep an eye on things which I found odd but also reassuring in a way. They’ve stopped that as, in theory, no one is there during lesson times. Don’t know about any level of supervision at break times.

If someone had a solution to the toilet problem, every school would be doing it. However the reality is that assault, damage and general skiving all happen during lesson time.

The majority of women can manage their periods in 120 minute slots without special considerations. I teach with pretty horrific periods (flooding etc) and have had to ask someone once to stand in my room while I could deal with it. The rest of the time its moomcup, period pants, a towel and hope for the best. I accept some girls need all hours access to a toilet, especially in the early days, however this really is the minority, hence the pass.

Schools can't afford the supervision of 10 years ago, nor can they afford to repair vandalised toilets.

My daughter had horrendous periods (was eventually diagnosed with adenomyosis) & was allowed to go to the toilet whenever she needed to but never unaccompanied (due to her tendency to faint)

Some women never flood and don't believe women who do 🤷‍♀️ it is traumatic and can't be controlled when it happens.

I'd be telling DD just get up and go, you will back her up if they try and give her detention etc. It's outrageous.

Apology accepted @LivingInaBuiltSite. I do have a lot of sympathy for women and girls managing heavy periods. It must be very hard for her and stressful for you.

I still think (if you're not already) that a tracking app would be useful. They may be very erratic at the moment and it might feel pointless but most women do develop a cycle at some point and that could help her when / if that does happen.

I asked DD specifically what happens when a girl does ask at her school (which is all girls) and she said there is a hard rule that no one can go in the last 15 minutes of a lesson unless it is last period when they will be getting straight on a bus.

Outside the last fifteen minutes they all have a toilet pass page in their planner. This is signed and taken with them to the toilet. It means teachers can see if there is a pattern to requests / too many requests / who was out of lessons when an incident took place. I guess this means they all get an equal number of chances to be believed each year?

Their toilets are not locked in lessons. I do appreciate how hard this must be to call for schools though. The next school along does lock their toilets as otherwise they can't control the vaping.

I'm not sure how helpful that is as it's a whole school approach that also doesn't need to take into account the needs of boys.

I think in your communication with school you need to put mama bear aside (and I do get the temptation there) and just be clear that you expect a solution to be agreed and implemented.

As a teacher, as I am too, you will know the dilemma: are they trying it on or is there really a need.
At my current school, I am advised to ask, 'Is it urgent?' or 'Are you really desperate?' to weed out the wanderers. To be fair it's a v. small independent but there are still slackers M and F who ask for the loo. Also, I think I'm seen as a 'soft touch' but equally, someone has to let them go.
Many of our girls are starting to deal with periods and, as a school, we have discussed many times how to acknowledge them without it being blatant. No one has devised a solution.
As a woman yourself, you will know that part of the deal is learning to manage. Perhaps in a matriarchy, we could all just lie around menstruating at will 😁
If your DD really cannot manage her periods/pads/pants between lessons (and I appreciate that sometimes Nature overrules) then I think the best tack for your DD is a doctor's note so that her HoY or whoever has the power, can issue her a pass to flash at any teacher any time. But of course, pupils will twig to this instantly so it will not be discreet. You win some ... you lose some...

As a teacher whose school is suddenly coming down hard on toilet time during lessons, I feel your pain as it can be really stressful for girls who are still having irregular periods. My take is that as long as they don't ask every lesson and don't have a rep for being a work avoided, I will let them go to the toilet. As a member of staff, I wish I could have that luxury...I have a heavy flow and have to 'double protect ' and hope that that sees me through to my next break (120 mins) . Seems to have worked OK for me, but not exactly ideal...

That shouldn’t stop girls (or boys for other reasons) being able to access toilets when they need to. It’s always the way isn’t it - someone who has a need is disadvantaged by someone else breaking the rules.
I know one local school has taken the outside door off the loos to stop vaping etc

If someone is bunking off or self harming etc they will do it anywhere.

That’s quite a good idea re the pass and the last 15 mins. And not having to explain why. I would have been mortified as a teen although hopefully periods are a bit more less embarrassing now.

I didn’t have regular periods until after having my first baby. Neither did quite a few women Im friends with. Not sure that would be a recommended option though for teens :)

Students still vape with no doors.

You're right about someone with a need, not being allowed because of someone breaking the rules. But schools are so limited in thier consequences (get slammed for suspensions by ofsted) that breaking rules is commonplace.

My dd15 never uses the toilets at school - ever. They are locked in lesson time, and no time in the very short break and lunch. She leaves the house at 8am and home at 3:30pm. She wears light period pants all the time (just in case) and when she has her period she doubles up. She says none of her friends use the toilets either.

Thanks all - there seems to be no clear strategy that works. Which is depressing.

as for not going at all - I’ve heard of this before, often in primary when kids start and are nervous of the toilets. And it can lead to all sorts of other issues as kids won’t drink enough to avoid needing a wee, getting constipated, etc, it is a worry.

I'm not working tomorrow so will keep trying to speak to someone:
& try and at least get a permanent pass for now (nearly the end of the year obvs so want it to carry over into next term)
& remind DD about the app and double protection for the heaviest days.

It’s so difficult when you have heavy periods. They have to let her use the toilets when she needs. At school I was the one with heavy periods and everyone else on mini tampons. There’s no way I could have not gone to the toilet. I would have had to miss school with a medical note explaining that no free access to the loos means that I’m at home. I always had heavy days with flooding then a medium day and then the last day was a surge. I’m also against forcing girls to wear trousers at school because this wouldn’t have been possible with the pads and possible flood up the back. Access to the girls toilets with no questions asked is best.