Easier to make friends in Secondary rather than primary

[scottishclive]

Child1 is going to secondary in Sept. He is not going to the same school as all his close friends so he will need to make some new friends. He knows a few kids from primary going to the same school but they are not friends.

He did struggle somewhat to make friends in primary, now has a couple of close ones who wont be at the same secondary. I know a lot of people say its easier to make friends in secondary as your with a lot more kids, but is that really the case?

Honestly no it's really not. I went to a different school from all my friends at primary, I was in the popular group didn't think it would be that hard, however I never made any friendships like I had at primary. I was an acquaintance and the kids that had gone from primary together all stayed in their little groups and met up outside of school. I was very rarely invited and took a huge hit to my self confidence. After I left secondary I wasn't in touch with anyone at all from the school. We lived rurally and the school I went to was a grammar school in a town about 15 miles away I'm sure that also made a difference as I couldn't just hang out after school or anything like that as there was only one bus home.

Absolute opposite of my experience.

My dd had a few friends at primary but was limited by numbers...a boy heavy class and didn't gel with a few of the girls.

She is secondary now...she has a much bigger pool of friends to choose from and it has been easier...I will also add she's quite shy so I was very worried.

The best thing you can do is work on his social skills / confidence before he starts.

Probably depends on so many unknowns ....I lived in two different towns for my primary and secondary with granny going around renting for both of us, due to specific health/climate requirements. In primary had many friends and then we left the whole area. In secondary - hundreds of miles away in a new town, again a choice of my father and again granny shipped with me to be a cook and a nanny. First year was situational mutism but everybody in my class ( kids and teachers ) was so so nice and all from nice families ( three exams to get in ) that they all talked to me and I was just saying only few words.

Was auditioned for choir, had a friend with new age hare krishna obsessions and few other interesting individuals and from second year had the most interesting friends. You never ever ever know

My DD was in a similar position going in to Year 7 this year. It was reassuring to at least know someone from primary to walk in with on the first day but although still friendly, they've all gone on to make their own friendship groups. It wasn't immediate, in fact I'd say the friendships are just starting to become firmer friendships now we're approaching the end of Term 4, but the foundations of lasting friendships are there. Meanwhile, we really worked at keeping connections with her primary friends so she always felt secure that there was a friend in her life even when not knowing many people at school.

My DS who is quite nerdy is in yr 7, and has found it MUCH easier to find a gang of mates. He just needed a larger pool of people to find his tribe. He was a bit of an outsider at primary but is absolutely in his element now, and full of confidence.

I think this is the case for many children. Primary schools are usually smaller and kids who don't fit in with the main crowd are often sidelined....much more scope for friendship in secondary

IME yes. Bigger pool of people and I in the 90s and DD in the 2010s, found our respective tribes.

DD actively chose to go to a high school where she knew nobody and made the best of friends with a group who were just like her.

This was completely the case with our DD too. I was concerned about it and when I mentioned my worries to her Yr 6 teacher (who had also taught in secondaries) he actually used the phrase about her 'finding her tribe' at secondary school precisely because it was bigger and there would be more kids like her.

I’ve never heard anyone say that. Ime it isn’t true and most people go to the same school as their friends from primary so already have a friendship group, my son hasn’t really made any friends since starting in September as he was the only one from his primary to go there. And I’ve never heard of this saying but don’t think it’s true at all.

My kids made friends easily at secondary. By the end of year 7, they had a whole new group and didn’t have much to do with the friends that had moved up from primary with them.

I worried about my daughter settling and meeting new people as she’s very quiet but she made friends with kids like her and their friendships are still going strong in year 10. As a pl said, the larger pool of kids helps.

Secondary schools are a nightmare in lots of ways but the teachers seem really good at getting the kids to mix in form time/lessons so they easily get to know each other ime.

This is encouraging and matches what we are in and hope to be the case in secondary. Did you / he make an effort to join clubs etc or did it come naturally? Child is into engineering / science a lot more than sports and they do have science clubs as well.

Sorry to hear this. This is also my worry, particularly as this is quite a sporty school and he is not that into sports. Worry he will get lost in the system.

Agree - a larger pool meant my DD found her tribe at secondary too.

I wouldn't have thought so. In primary it's easier as they just seem to bumble along. In secondary cliques form, and there's more division in the classrooms and subjects and sets. As their interests become more diverse friendships change.

@scottishclive yes, he joined all the clubs. (Well, not the sports ones!), but there is something on every day at lunchtime and after school. It's all free, and he loves it all... chess, engineering, drama, creature care club, debating, book club. I have been so impressed.

I've never heard anyone say it is easier at secondary school, and I don't think it is. But a lot comes down to luck, who is in your class, who is in your year, and what the social mix of the school is. It could be that he meets a few like minded kids on his first day and everything just falls into place.

I found it easier in secondary school. In primary school it was more like people just bumbled along because it started when you were 4, rather than actually being friends with these people because you’d chosen to. In secondary school people gravitated towards people they actually liked. It wasn’t the norm in my secondary school for people to come up from primary together either, where people did know each other the friendships generally didn’t last beyond the initial weeks.

I do agree it's down to luck. Hopefully with more kids, mixing there are more opportunities and the kids are older so better know what they like

My dd went to a secondary school where she knew not a single child and she made friends quickly. And it was not some lovely leafy school either.

There are loads more kids for a start, there's a higher chance of finding people who have thing in common with you.

As a pp,said, my dd's primary class was very boy heavy so not many girls to befriend. But in secondary, she has got loads of new mates and it has been a really positive experience - so far anyway!

I don’t think there’s much of a rule of thumb/that it’s east to generalise. In most cases a lot turns on the pot luck that determines who the other 29 kids in your form group are. Making friends outside your form group happen but is unreliable.

Yes secondary was so much better for me and everyone I knew. Easier to find your tribe, more going on, more clubs

My son had bad luck in the primary school friends department. He never really gelled with any of the kids, despite also playing in a football team with a group of them. Secondary school has been a game changer! He’s now y8 and has a wide variety of friends; some in his form, some in other forms and also across the whole school. (And for context, it’s quite a small secondary compared to others). He’s happy and thriving 😀

I think it depends on the dc and the cohort. DD is year 7 now and was the only one from her primary to go to this school. She is outgoing, sporty and made friends quickly. She is very happy. When I transitioned to secondary my friends and I grew apart, I made new friends, but I did not feel like I found my tribe...it was more like friends to pass time. It was not until later when I went to University, when I felt like I made good friends.