Any regrets AFTER being at a super selective school?

[howmanyshirts]

Good morning,

If you have had your child in a top super selective school completed gcse / a levels (probably came out with amazing results) Or maybe they got burnt out due to the environment.

Any wise advise? Would you sent them to the same school again? Did their mental health crumble? Was the pressure too much around gcse? Or would you send them to a very good not as pressured school?

Or would you still go with the super selective school?

Thank you and have a great day x

Send them to a normal school. They will then get a chance to mix with all types of people as they will in real life. I went to a normal comp, brother went to Grammar, got same exams and went on to get same grade degree. I have a much wider group of friends from all backgrounds and as I work with people makes it easier to see their point of view.

I’m afraid your comment just shows that you don’t know that much about grammar schools. My daughter’s school has an incredible mix of students from all sorts of religious, cultural and socio-economic backgrounds. Far more so than the two local comps.

I concur with @Jellycats4life . DD’s grammar was far more diverse economically and ethnically, there was no majority or minority. The comp was very monochrome and economically reflected the affordability in the local area.

No I mean that they are not mixing with kids who struggle academically or kids with SEN. I know exactly what schools are about. I've taught for 36 years.

Superselctive are not diverse social economic wise, it has the lowest FSM% among all the state schools.

I went to a super selective private school (top 5 in the country at the time, and still performing well). It was the making of me. It didn't suit everyone - there were definitely girls with eating disorders and panic attacks. The naivety of youth meant I didn't appreciate what was going on with some of those girls.

I was an academic, easy-going child, who loved to learn and whose parents asked only for me to try my best (and no more), so I did. It was an adjustment when I started there as I was no longer top at everything but I raised my game and studied hard (for the first time in my life).

I gained great qualifications, confidence, an interesting well-paid career (I earn £150k pa), and a circle of girlfriends who are kind, funny, assertive and accomplished women.

My advice, therefore, is to consider the culture of specific schools and your child's temperament to see if a super selective is right for them.

Worst thing that happened to me was being sent to a super selective school and then getting taken out of it. I never managed to fit in at the local comp and was bullied for years. Think carefully before putting your child into that environment and even more carefully before removing them from it.

Would you mind naming these. Was one of them SPGS by any chance…? If so, that’s my experience too.

@Haydie yes, SP and NLCS.

It's a hard kind of bereftness that leaves a deep pit isn't it? I had similar happen through no fault of my own. It doesn't go away.

I went to one, left 20 years ago. The teaching was actually not amazing - a lot of the time the teachers coasted along knowing we'd all do well regardless. I was bullied, had an ED and MH issues (pretty obviously ND but I guess it wasn't as well known back then) and no support for any of it. Went to Oxbridge but was too mentally unwell to use my degree in any meaningful way. I was also very sheltered and thus didn't realise how well I actually was doing academically - it was a case of it being "normal" for me and everyone I knew to get straight As all the time. Now live in an area with only comprehensives and am glad of it.

There were no issues with pressure. Just that nothing was that amazing. The main benefit was the peer group, high ability and less disruption. There were teachers teaching out of their subject area like other schools. No money just like other schools.

Lockdown provision was dismal, they assumed children were home with at least one parent baking bread or doing other enriching bonding activities. I was at work full-time and my child home alone and isolated. A good routine of school work would have been very helpful.

I do wonder if he would have been better off moving to his current technical college from year 10.

My son went to one and thrived. He is the type that would do what was needed to fit with the norm so where the norm was to do well he did. If he had been in a comp he would have tried to blend as average so as not to stand out. Fortunately the ss environment has led to him wanting to do well and he is now flying at uni.

It suits some and not others.

As regards eating disorders I'm not sure you can blame that on a school per se. Kids everywhere even at standard comes get earing disorders for all sorts of reasons. It's easy to blame the school rather than accept the child may have had one wherever they went to fit a narrative.

My elder dd both went to Cambridge and struggled a bit with going from top of the class to middle. There were a lot of eating disorders and anxiety issues particularly with the girls but dd1's lab partner failed his first year exams, became an alcoholic and died aged 28. Dd2 met her husband there, he went to a SS and he took Cambridge in his stride.

@Haydie yes, SP and NLCS.
This is interesting I know a few ex SPGS and yes all do have ED/ MH issues .

I went to one. Spent my entire life with imposter syndrome and perfectionism issues.

I sent my DD to a comprehensive. She has SEN and won't have as many shiny certificates - but she's a much happier, less anxious and more confident person.

I would only recommend super selective for the kind of child who is looking at Grade 9 in everything without having to break a sweat, who is confident and who enjoys winning and being a bit competitive. If they need good pastoral support or have any kind of SEN then avoid.

That’s so strange. I am in my fifties and the one school mum I know with an ED went to Withington.

Zero regrets. No ED or MH issues. I enjoyed it.

I was protected by sensible parents (love wasn’t conditional on academic success) and being well into the top half of the year group in most subjects. This is a pattern I’ve followed for my DC - I reward effort and discourage perfectionism, and I did my best to send them to secondary schools where they would be in the top half but not the top 10% academically.

The other big advantage was that the school environment meant I learned at 11yo that I wasn’t the best and needed to work. Which was a lot easier to deal with at 11 with supportive parents, than for the people who had to manage it by themselves, aged 18 at Oxbridge. The learning curve of actually having to knuckle down and work for the first time at 18 was pretty tough for them. I was used to it.

I went to a super selective and I'm not sure if it was the best place for me.
I was fiercely independent. I think I needed someone to help me channel my creativity but they kept trying to put me back in the box. I was always in trouble and miserable at school.
I'm not sure if any other school would've been better though. maybe I would'nt have achieved much in another school, maybe I would've had the space to thrive. I don't know.

For NLCS, do you know if these are the girls who joined at 11+ or those who have been at the school since reception that are having the eating disorders? We had visited years ago for 4+ and the parents/students there seemed very intense already even at the junior school which put us off the school being in such an environment from a young age.

Some thrive some don't. same for everything in life isn't it.
I got a scholarship to private and as I lived very rurally lost a lot of friends, did well but then found boys and went off the rails a bit. But did end up successful from my point of view (job I love that pays well enough). My sis stayed in local comp but did just as well (albeit with fewer qualifications). In terms of earnings she's on more. In terms of life we're both happy.

It's difficult to know whether a particular school will be a good fit for your child, purely from what you read or hear from other people. Every child is different and every child's experience will differ from that of others.

My DC went to a superselective grammar and had no problem with the academic work. It does increase towards GCSE and A level preparation, but I guess that's the case everywhere. Pressure did not come so much from the school, than from competition between the students. This can be framed either as a positive motivational influence or a negative pressure factor, depending on perspective.

Some social hiccups along the way - these could have happened everywhere else and were not related to the type of school in any way.

There were MH issues among friends. Apparently there was a separate table in the canteen for children with eating disorders who were supervised over lunch.

Had we to choose again, we'd do things in the same way, I'd say. A large part of that is that in grammar school areas the comprehensive options aren't great. They are not a representative of a mix of all academic abilities, as a percentage of high achievers get directed towards grammars.

I am guessing your child has an offer for a place at a superselective school and you are wondering if it is the right decision to send them there. A few pointers might be: if they are generally top of the class in primary school without needing to study for very long hours and sacrifice social activities, they will probably be fine in terms of the work load. Do they read a lot for pleasure?

Both DC went to one. No regrets, although I prefer not to think about the eye-watering amount it cost!
Was a bit of a no-brainier for us as the alternatives weren’t good.
Both did well with excellent A levels and first class degrees at uni. I think what it taught them most of all was a belief in themselves and a willingness to go for stuff/ try things. The expectation of doing well meant they DID do well - not just in academics, but music, drama, sport etc.
Neither had any particular problems, and the minor issues that came up would have come up wherever they went to school I think.
They both keep in touch and regularly see some of their old school friends, which I think is a good sign.

Eye-watering amount? Aren't we talking about state grammars?