Any regrets AFTER being at a super selective school?

[howmanyshirts]

Good morning,

If you have had your child in a top super selective school completed gcse / a levels (probably came out with amazing results) Or maybe they got burnt out due to the environment.

Any wise advise? Would you sent them to the same school again? Did their mental health crumble? Was the pressure too much around gcse? Or would you send them to a very good not as pressured school?

Or would you still go with the super selective school?

Thank you and have a great day x

I went to a super selective school - I had to work really hard pass the 11+ to get in, and in hindsight I think I would have done better at another school.

It was great for the super intelligent people, and they really supported the students who really struggled but if you were just about scraping by, you just got left to it really.

it might be different now but it was very much geared to getting in to uni & there were no other alternatives ever spoken about - I was completely on my own when I chose not to go to uni.

I think they’re great if you can easily get in but I wouldn’t push my own kids to go if they didn’t have the natural ability

Also we got told that getting a B at GCSE would ruin your chances of getting into uni and therefore ruin your career before it started !!

it was only when I started work that I realised I wasn’t totally useless !

In my area there's one for boys and one for girls.

My eldest son went, it was perfect for him, fantastic grades, excellent set of friends, no feeling of pressure. He says that it's bad at the girls' school though, lots of eating disorders and mental health problems.

My youngest son didn't get in, his GCSE results were just as good at the local comp but it was obvious to me that there was more distraction and messing about in classes at the comp, and more intellectual activity and rigorous discussion at the selective school.

Youngest joined the selective for sixth form and is happy there, though it's taken a while to adjust to the different style.

I'm happy with how it worked out, but every selective school is different, as is every child, it's about finding that right match (and avoiding the selectives that are famous for breeding eating disorders!)

I loved my SS grammar. I was bullied at primary for being a nerd. I found my tribe at secondary. I was still towards the top, which I'm sure helped. I reckon I would have done similarly academically but had a more miserable time at the conprehensive. My brother went to a SS too, and it was good for him as he was clever but fairly lazy and didn't want to be labeled as a geek. He likely did better than he would have done at a comprehensive as he was pushed more. Again, he was in the top third there which helped.

My eldest went to one. We aren't sending my youngest.

It was nothing special. Behaviour was terrible. Like, off the scale.

My son did well academically and he didn't feel pressured particularly, but he was able, I think that may have been different for some of his pals.

One thing, the kids weren't all brilliant at everything and in that respect they were kind to each other in a way I found surprising. So, some kids were clearly STEM 'geniuses' but were terrible (tongue in cheek here) at the arts. Or vice versa. And it was totally accepted that Johnny was a maths savant but English wasn't his thing.

There were the odd 9s in everything and 4 A star types, but they certainly weren't in the majority.

My son wasn't terribly happy. Nothing specific, it's still just school. He has benefitted from the Old Boys Network though (they think they're Old Etonions ).

No school will be perfect for every child. You've just got to do what you think is best at the time. We thought this was best. We don't think it would be 'best' for my second son (who is probably even more able than the eldest), now we've been through it once.

I went to a SS (not UK). It was quite bad with the kids' mental health, but we were all pretty neurotic from the start tbh, and I think we would have suffered in any school. Plenty of depression. Only one anorexic that I knew of.

There were lots of good consequences. When I got to uni, I found the work surprisingly easy, and got top marks with minimal effort. The extra education we'd had was so beneficial. It also paid off in my career later.

There was little or no disruption in classes, and very little bullying. We couldn't see the point of it.

The friends I made at that school were amazing - such intelligent, complex people, even as kids - some are still friends for life. I feel privileged just to have known them.

it might be different now but it was very much geared to getting in to uni & there were no other alternatives ever spoken about

Unfortunately all schools do this nowadays. I'm on a university parents Facebook group and the number of students dropping out of university at the moment is very high. Schools and 6th form colleges view university as the default option, and far too many people feel that it is expected of them when they really souldn't be going or they should go after a gap year or two.

I have two friends in two different cities both with DCs went to super selective. Both DCs went from the top of the year in their primary to the mid/low end of the cohort. Both suffered mental health issues and both ended up just hoping to "get through" the GCSEs. One of them changed their heart choosing the path for arts in stead of pursuing science - what she always wanted and the parents finally yielded.

We might have the choice of super selective. But I'd think very carefully if his score sits at the bottom of the admitted candidates. DH doesn't care much as he believes being the bottom of the top is better than being top of the ordinary. I can't disagree more! I think it really comes down the each DC's personality and how resilient they are.

So we will see what result entails!

My son’s primary school are recommending we try for the local SS (Tiffin) but these stories do really put me off. It’s annoyingly our nearest secondary and no obvious other options though!

I have one in a SS in the NW, sibling had place offered this morning at same school.

We’ve had cause to use the student support system- eldest really struggled with some aspects of secondary transition, scheduling and actually having to put effort in, but the school have been absolutely brilliant and I can’t fault them - they’ve really taken her mental health seriously and she’s been able to access a range of services and is doing really well now.
Same with dealing with behaviour issues, they aren’t afraid to deal with issues and the children feel heard and encouraged to make reports.

A lot of the pressure comes from the kids themselves (and probably parents), we aren’t given grade indications for the first few years - it’s all based on respect and effort.

I’m really excited to see what my younger child can achieve with the school, they’re a late summer baby and a lot more resilient and determined than my eldest - I know they are going to love the challenge and grab every opportunity they can.

My DS has recently finished at a SS state grammar. He loved it, perfect environment for him where he thrived. Lots of friends, excellent education, stellar grades and now at Uni doing a very tough to get into degree.
My other DC had no aspirations to go to the same school. Less academic, more creative. Went to local secondary - and thrived. Super grades, good friendships and has been successful in other ways to my other DS. Each would have equally not thrived in the other's environment. Very much horses for courses in our house.

Went to Oxford High in the sixties a year after my mother died when I was 10 (probably how I got in in the first place - the pity vote) and in the days it had a small boarding house. No food issues - I was always bloody starving! Went from being top in local Church primary school to literally bottom of everything - bottom division of each subject, bottom on all exam lists which were pinned to board - no sports star either so last to be picked for teams. The feeling of being thickest person in room never left. Went to a good university though so maybe a thick Oxford High-ean is brighter than average!

I'd also add that my takeaway from DC who went to the SS was that it was a tough place to be if you couldn't maintain the academic pace. Some classmates who had been heavily coached through the 11+ struggled massively when that support was no longer there and it was hard for those kids who clearly weren't able to keep up with the academic standards. There were no 'sets' for any subjects so all in together and there were high expectations set for all class members.

Yes. My stepson went to Charterhouse, loved it and made great friends, even met his now wife there! He got good (not amazing) results and went on to a good RG uni. Good job now - some sort of consulting.
My own DD went to a non selective mixed independent but moved to all girls selective for Sixth Form. Worked her socks off and got three A stars. Ok time socially - only 13 new girls that year - but didn't really bother her that much. Started a club which was way out of her comfort zone and grew a lot from that. She's got offers from the likes of Durham but hasn't decided yet.
If there was a very good state secondary I would be happy for my kids to go. There wasn't.

My eldest went to a much sought after London school with a super-selective stream.

Teaching was good, socially, pastorally etc, sink or swim. Came out with good grades but not better than his similarly able friends at our nearest respectable comp.

My daughter is only in year 7 so I can’t provide that much insight, but the SEN support (she’s autistic) and pastoral care has been absolutely incredible.

I know she wouldn’t have got this kind of support in the local comp, because they have their hands full dealing with students with (what they perceive as) greater need. This was, frustratingly, our experience at her primary school.

Not at all. DD1 only scraped in with her 11+ mark but absolutely flourished and it was so much more relaxed and sensible in terms of discipline and homework than the co-ed non-selective school that DD2 goes to. There were lots of super brain autistic girls that seemed to do very well there too.

I helped out with a couple of school trips and the girls were so lovely.

DH went to one, whereas I went to a not great comprehensive. I think that I came out mentally tougher and better prepared for life than him, although he has better academic results. He doesn’t think of himself as clever and doubts his abilities because he was just “average” at school, despite getting top grade A Levels and a 1st class degree.

Our DCs’ comprehensive has been a bit of a shock for DH but it’s a really bad school and we have no other choice, unfortunately. Our DC probably would have been better off going to DH’s school, if we could have afforded to live within catchment.

I have teased DH in the past that he went to a super selective top boys school and Russell Group university and came out with the same results and degree classification as me (middling comprehensive and ex-poly university) 😅

Also earns 40% less money than me and is less senior in his job in spite of being five years older and not taking any career breaks but let's not go there.

Went to a very selective girls grammar. Made great friends but had a horrible time. Unless you were an all rounder they weren't interested. Pastoral care? What pastoral care? Eating disorders and mental health issues abounded. Friend was sexually assaulted by a male teacher and senior management were crap. I left at 16 and went to a sixth form college which I loved and went on and got a good degree and career. I hated that school

I think it would be a mistake to assume that schools are the same as they were 20 or 30 years ago - selective or comprehensive.

Most former hot houses have very good pastoral care and have learned to take the foot off the gas with discipline and homework. Most non-selective state schools on the other hand seem to have a one track mind for academic success, pile on the homework, have ridiculous draconian rules, very few resources and are terrible at dealing with ASD and ADHD, trying to emulate an imaginary selective school in their minds. It's not education, it's crowd control.

So I would be very slow to judge that a selective school would be more pressurising, particularly a single sex girls school. In fact I often found being around class clowns (bright boys but disruptive and dominating the class) quite pressurising in itself and would certainly find most comprehensives anxiety-making these days.

Both of my DC (24 and 20) went to single sex Grammar Schools and thrived. Definitely no regrets.

It depends on the child though.

Both DC are very bright and thrived on the fast pace. A bit of pressure suited both, having to wait for others to catch up in a mixed ability class would have been frustrating. DS was occasionally frustrated at the waste of time in top set maths.

These were local Grammars not SS though, so friends were a max 20 minute drive away. Both have a great group of friends, much more diverse ethnically than our local area. They are still close years later.

It depends on the child and how robust the are. One of my kids (the least academic as it goes) is at a super selective and doing far better that they would at a comp - they need the, ahem - kick up the arse. Yes, there are downsides but this is a robust kid who likes to appeal to peer pressure regardless of whether it's positive or negative. The super selective does give a degree of protection from the negative in that the kids are largely grade focused.

My other child would be less challenged academically but wouldn't enjoy the environment.

As for a PP mentioning anorexia, I suspect that's incidental. There is a high rate of autism amongst highly academic people. Anorexia is sadly common in autistic girls - that's where the correlation with anorexia and perfectionist girls comes from. Sadly generations of autistic girls have been 'missed'. Now we're starting to understand more, hopefully much suffering can be averted.

DD came out with excellent grades and relatively good MH.
I suspect the things she struggled with would have been worse at our local (good) comprehensive.
Don't expect poor behaviour and issues such as drugs and bullying not to exist simply because a school succeeds academically. If anything drugs probably are more prevalent where there is also a degree of affluence. I still think overall it was the right choice but we're both glad her time there is over.

This all depends on the school and the individual child. I went to great all girl grammar, one of the best in the country. I enjoyed it, did pretty well, it was small and supportive, but also a hot house for grades. But some of my friends hated it and it just didn't suit them. Couple got pregnant as teens, didn't go to uni etc. But most followed the path, went to great Unis, had pretty good careers. Eating disorders were pretty rare but this was back before social media.

My eldest went to a private primary and I ended up moving her into state secondary as it was killing her confidence being middle/lower middle of the pack. She was the type to back away from the competitive aspect and would rather not try than fail. She has flourished now in a middle of the pack state school where she is near the top and is on track for top grades. My youngest will also be going. However my youngest is the type that probably would cope well in a high achieving school as she likes the competition. But she will do well anywhere!