Year 6 child - secondary school worries

[Hopepark]

I wasn't sure whether to post on the primary or secondary thread for this, but hope that here some people may be able to give me advice from experience/hindsight - or solidarity!

My Yr6 child is already getting really worried about secondary school.
They will be moving from a small village primary to a large state secondary that they will be able to walk easily to, have local friends etc. I believe that it’s the right school for them, the best 'fit', has the best opportunities and it has an excellent reputation so we are lucky, but it is possible that they might be the only child from their primary going there (we live in a different secondary catchment area from most of their classmates).

How on earth can I help them, other than just listening and not trying to dismiss how they are feeling? I'm sure it will likely work out fine in the end but obviously this is not guaranteed and saying that really isn't going to help at the moment - they can't believe it. Should I speak to the school ahead of them starting to raise it with them or would that be OTT?

Also feeling mum guilt that we moved to a different area (trying to do the best in terms of secondary options….) and that I should have thought more carefully about moving them to a more local primary school ahead of secondary. They were just very happy and settled at the other primary and wanted to stay there and we can still get to it easily.

Anyone been through similar?

Can ypu move their primary school.to integrate with future classmates?

Def speak to new high school, some schools do extra taster days or weeks in tje holidays for clusters of pupils that will venefit from extra time with new faces and getting used to new surroundings.

Often after a few weeks at high school tje primary friendships start to loosen and new friendships form, so hopeully it will go well for your dc.

Clubs, clubs, clubs, meet like minded people in a much moe informal environment.

Dont promise them it will be fine and that it will be great straightaway. There might be a few bumpy weeks, acknowledge your dc might be nervous and you'll always help them.

Good luck! We moved our dc1 out of high school mid year to a new school where then knew absolutrly nobody due to issues at their old high school.

A few times they were teary but it ended up being te right choice.

Can you get her into guides or some other club in your new area, so that she begins to meet people who might be at her secondary?

I have suggested this, we got offered a place but unfortunately they wouldn't go because of not knowing anybody! I really thought it was a good idea and we had a discussion about the rationale behind it, but unfortunately no. We are now going for joining a group that some of the primary friends do go to, because I figure that will be a nice way of keeping in touch with them and they won't feel that all contact is lost.

Once you have your offer etc then yes flag it to the head of transition. They seriously won't be the only one going solo and high schools have had this hundreds of times. Tell her to just not think about it for now. They change a lot by July

DD's old secondary school:

They take children from around 40 primary schools, though the bulk come from about 5 or 6.
The school knows which children have come up with nobody and keep an extra eye on them.
Many children break with their old primary friends anyway for a new start / more exciting new friends.
Transition days are used to help DC get to know each other before the summer which makes the first days less scary.

No point worrying until after May half term really.

I don't think it really matters. I found in the first couple of days at secondary school, kids stick to their old primary classmates because of familiarity, but this fades out pretty quickly as they start to make new friends. My dd is quite a shy girl and was very nervous about making friends at secondary school but it's actually been much better than I expected. There is a much wider pool of kids to be friends with which gives a better chance at meeting people they really gel with. My dd is actually happier at secondary school than primary.

They really do change such a lot. Once they’ve got offers they start to become attached to their new school. There’s a huge amount that goes on between now and July and they really will be ready to move on. The new school will have transition days/settling in and make it exciting.

This happened to mine too. They got their first phone after SATs so they could swap numbers with their primary school friends. DD didn't stay in touch with her primary friends, but DS has. I also have a WhatsApp group with his primary buddies' parents' numbers, to arrange the odd cinema/bowling etc date at half term/weekends.

This happened to us last year.. my daughter was the only child going from very small village primary (8 in year!) to over 270 in secondary.. all due to weird catchment areas where we live.. she’s loved it. She found the first week a little challenging in terms of not knowing anyone and spent a little time alone at lunch but was quickly adopted by a group of friends in her tutor and is so much happier. I was far more worried than she was.. honestly was almost at point of panic attacks over it but it’s been great. Will cross fingers for your child 🤞focus on being positive for your child.. don’t pass on any of your fears and if they can get anyone’s phone numbers in their taster days ensure they have a meet up before school starts or swap numbers with other parents if you get the chance to meet the tutor group etc as most of their lessons will likely be with the children in their tutor group.. good luck.. from the other side it’s been a positive experience here..

I teach year 6 in a very, very tiny primary school. Our leavers tend to go to a range of secondary schools, so tend to be moving up in ones and twos.
The fear is very real. Every school that our children move to works hard with the feeder primaries to ensure a smooth transition. They all meet the children, have transition days and organise form groups to ensure that all children including the ones moving up alone are fully supported.
I would speak to both schools about the transition.
the children I have who are in at least one club (eg sport, scouts etc) with others at the new school tend to feel a little more relaxed - just because they recognise a face from day one. If you could try to organise this it would be helpful. The secondary may be able to allocate your daughter a “buddy” to travel to school with - possibly someone who’ll be in the same form.
good luck 🤞

My son was the only child from his primary to go to his secondary last September. It has been brilliant for him, loved the opportunity to reinvent himself, loves being in a bigger school with more going on, found an awesome new group of friends and is so happy.

We had this exact same situation, with my daughter, quite tearful during year six about the idea of transitioning to big school.

Like you, I tried to listen and not dismiss her. Once she actually moved up, it was great, no looking back. She still friends with one person from primary, but it really didn't take long at all before the kids all started to integrate in the new school.

Personally I'd rather send my kids to a school that isn't as good but has their friends there. If your kid is confident and makes friends easily then obviously the better school is the best option.

I can't really help you but we are in a similar situation with our DS6. He currently attends the small local primary school in my parents village which is about 10miles from our home and in a different catchment area. (I work 12hr day and nights so this was the best option as always someone to do school run) so when it comes to secondary school he will either have to move to a local one to us where none of his friends will be or go to one where his friends go but which will be 15-18 miles from home depending which one he attended. Its a headache.

My youngest daughter is year 7 and was the only one from her primary to go to the secondary school we enrolled her to (older dd already there). I was so worried but she made friends within days. She has joined lots of clubs which has helped..

DD us in Yr 7. We chose a school that none of her friends were going to. The first 3 weeks were tough but syr soon found a great group of new friends and had outgrown a lot of her primary school ones anyway.
Don't dismiss his feelings but focus on the positives ie new opportunities etc.
DD also moved from a small village primary but we also chose a small secondary 2 form entry so that the change wouldn't be as big.

We hold an extra transition day for students coming as the only one or two from their primary, lots of the local secondaries do. It’s very normal for secondaries but do flag up that your child is feeling a bit nervous so they can keep an eye out.

My son moved to secondary with only 2 kids from his primary who weren't in his new tutor group. We knew what tutor group they were going into and a.proactive paremt posted in on the schools FB page about organising a summer meet up. We actually did two to give the boys a chance to get to know each other a bit beforehand and made the first day at Big school a little less daunting. Worked really well.for us, maybe something you could instigate .

I do agree that in secondary a lot of the primary school friends go by the wayside. My dc school has around 500 pupils in each year so they're very unlikely to even have classes with any of their old friends, meaning within a few weeks they've already made new ones from different primaries. What is most interesting, when I look at their friendship groups now (one year 11 and one at uni) their closest friends are ones made in around year 10 onwards. Even the new ones made in year 7 and 8 changed again.

I have a DD in first year of secondary, while most kids from her primary did go to the school it turned out that my DD would be in a class with not one person from her primary school. She absolutely loves school now and has made loads of new friends and couldn't be happier. Kids will always make new friends and rarely keep the friends from primary.

My DC's school did an extra transition day for children that wouldn't know anyone else. It's worth speaking to the school to ask if they do anything like that and ensure she's flagged for it.

She probably will make friends and settle, so it's a case of managing her anxiety now.

DD's school did an extra transition day for "onlies". That helped as the group was much smaller and they were all in that situation.

If he has a phone, you can write his phone number on post its to hand out to the children he clicks with on transition. Then, if they get in contact with him you can arrange some meetups over the summer. Some kids might come with an established friend group (from primary) and he might be able to just slip in like that.

How will he travel to school? That's another way in which he can make friends.

Don't worry, they'll make friends in their tutor group and classes. They will be closely supported in the first few weeks in terms of processes and procedures. They won't be the only child who doesn't know someone. By the end of the first day, they will have got to know others.
It really isn't a problem for most children.

Thank you for all the helpful and reassuring messages. I’m hoping that my child's worst fears won’t be realised - it’s an emotional rollercoaster for me too! DC went to a club today and thinks a couple of people they know from there might be going to the same school, so fingers crossed for a few familiar faces at least!

Honestly, by break time they'll have got to know a couple of other children who may well not know anyone else. They'll be absolutely fine. By the second week you'll wonder why you were worried!