Didn't get place - I'm gutted

[nodogz]

Found out my child didn't get a place for their indie school and I need advice to manage my feelings.

We've had a tense time at their state primary (something happened that wasn't acceptable and they have done their best to sweep under the carpet). We didn't set out for indie and we've had to adjust our expectations. There was just one school they wanted to apply to so we've supported and made some financial planning to pay for it.

Despite people telling us that if you can pay you're in (we're northern) - we have been practicing 11+ papers and interviews for timings and to spot silly mistakes. Scores have been consistently +75% average. So not scholarship level but not bad either.

I'm gutted for them. They tried so hard despite having a hard time at their current school. Put themselves through hours of prep. They really enjoyed the assessment and said the tests were easier than what they practised. They are sporty and social so loved the group assessments and interview.

I'm waiting to hear from the admissions office to see if they bombed their assessments. Possibly places were limited and my child would place after the very brightest ones, siblings etc. I do understand this is all a bit "my diamond shoes are too tight" but i am surprised at the strength of my feelings. I didn't realise how much I wanted them to have a fresh start. I expect our state options will be not be positive either. I have told them how proud I am for their attitude and that I'm sorry it didn't work out for them but any other advice? Home ed? Move house?

Is there a waitlist? It’s common for people to sit lots of entrance exams (where we are, anyway) so there is always a bit of movement after the acceptance dates

I don't think so or we didn't even make the cut for a waitlist. I'm waiting to speak with admissions to see if I can find out more.

Sorry, no advice, but sending you a big hug. I know what it means to do your best and still come up short. Mt mum used to sat, when one door closes, God opens a window :-). I hope a nice window opens up for your dc.

Firstly, well done to your dc, sounds like they've tried so hard. Entrance exams are frustrating, and so many things can happen on the day. I remember ds telling me he found the constant pencil tapping/toe tapping really annoying and kept distracting him during his 11+. (I don't think it was that bad, but it just showed how tense it must have been).

If you've applied for somewhere like MGS, I believe it is very competitive, but there will be children that have other schools they've either sat exams for or state schools they have as back up.

Once parents start accepting places, there will definitely be movement, and you may find you're allocated a space.

Hope it all works out for your dc 😊

Im genuinely stunned. In a way I hope they have bombed the exams as at least that offers some explanation of why.

My child only wanted this school so had worked to show how they were a good fit (values, research etc). They put more into it than I would for a job interview and they are only 10. Really pushed themselves out of their comfort zone. I'm gutted for them.

Try to keep perspective. DD didn't get in to a very academic school when we had to move quite suddenly for safeguarding issues. Found out last week that that school has now dropped her favourite subject, so she would have been miserable. Sometimes these things work out for a reason.

Honestly it could just have been a bad day. We had 3 days to prep for the entrance to our academic school but for CAT test scores DD was way above what they were looking for and have as an average cohort. She did however know she had done badly in at least 1 paper, so failing it also made her realise she can't just coast (doesn't sound like your DC did this at all, just trying to see any positives).

If it wasn't the right fit, keep looking and hopefully it will become clear when you speak to admissions.

Just wanted to say I’m sorry and you will not be alone in experiencing the crushing feeling that comes after a perceived “rejection” of your child, especially when they worked so hard and it still wasn’t enough. The 11+ can be a brutal experience for kids and parents. Just do your best to damage control how your child feels about this and hide your disappointment from them. Get onto admissions and see if there’s any hope.

Speak to admissions, but don’t be emotional. Explain to your child that things in life happen for a reason, even if it’s not obvious now! The work that has been put in certainly will put them in good stead moving forward with whatever you decide to do, so that effort and resilience which has been developed hasn’t been wasted. Play the long game.

You need to be realistic. If he did not make a wl he may well have struggled unfortunately. Get the feedback and consider if 13+ entry via a prep school might be worthwhile. Can you big up the state school options (assuming you have also applied) as an opportunity for a fresh start.

I am sorry. The system is like a turbo spinner programme: you put in things that you think will withstand it (and the label suggests they will!) but the results can end up being different from what you anticipated.

I am trying to get prepared for our results this Friday and (suspecting they will not be positive) have written myself a note ahead of getting the news telling me the following: 1) a negative reply means the school didn't think my child would be a good fit; this will hurt (more than we expect) but it would be worse to end up living through the consequences of a bad fit on a daily basis for years. 2) There is no guarantee that the state school they get will be a good fit either, of course, and if that happens I would try to find another alternative, even if that may not be straightforward. It is not easy to change school as a teen but can be done. Plus sixth form is a natural change point. 3) Having a child who wants to do well plus a family who actively supports their education is hugely important and, I'm convinced, will pay off in multiple ways; education is a long road even if right now all that seems to matter are the immediate checkpoints.

A big part of the challenge, as you say, is realising that pursuing something he wanted to do was worth the try and that everything he has learnt (knowledge, organization, focus, resilience!) will become far more useful than he (and possibly you) can imagine now. That won't make the strong emotions go away for a while, but they hopefully will pass sooner than you may fear. Good luck!

Are there no other private schools nearby you could consider? I think in most areas outside London most schools are not full, so even if you’ve missed the official admissions deadline, if you give them a call they may consider your child’s application as that’s better than having an empty seat come September. I work at a prep and know if a number of children accepted in to private senior schools having only applied in march over the last 5 years or so.

Just to say I'm really sorry. It's so tough when they work really hard towards a school and don't get in. I hope the Admissions Team are helpful.

Sorry to hear your dc didnt get a place, that must be so disappointing especially as you weren't mentally prepared for it. Are there no other less selective schools near you he can try? having put 2 dc through the independent system it's now obvious they don't need to go to the most selective school to do well, a good indy with good results and good pastoral care will do just as well by them.

I'm still waiting for a call back from the school. I'm not hopeful but I hope to understand more about the decision.

Our state school options are not very positive either so I'm gearing up for an appeal now. The driver for this is social cohort not academic reasons. I think that's why we've all taken this rejection quite hard, we thought we were going to side-step an oncoming difficult situation but now it's hurtling towards us. Arse.

I will look into other schools but it was this one they wanted and I'm not sure they want to try again. (And I'm not sure I can make them). Or if there are spaces or if they can logistically get to other schools.

I know we all wear mum goggles but other than handwriting and spelling they are really bright and driven and have overcome some very challenging situations.

Its very hard today to sit here and get some perspective. I imagine they will eventually do well anywhere at any school and we can top up with plenty of support and life experiences. We've had the chat about how in some places you're ahead and in some places you're behind but ultimately the only thing you can control and feel proud of is how you are and how hard you try. Still gutted though.

There will be movement on the waiting list between now and September so all is not lost yet. Our school’s 11+ offers went out yesterday but other schools don’t offer until later this month which means there will be movement so it may be the save in your area. Our school gives a month to accept.

There will also be movement after the state school offers go out in March.

I don’t have much advice but I wanted to send you a virtual hug, your feelings are valid and understandable. Sounds like your DC has a wonderful parent who will find a way to make it work for them. Sending you lots of positivity.

I know how you feel. This happened to me, my DC did not get in as expected despite being bright and doing all the prep etc and being invited for interview. I was not expecting a rejection at all and it really floored me. I spoke to admissions, they went through the exam results with me. Results were ok (not amazing, but still respectable). They said in previous years those results would most likely have resulted in an offer for my DC but that year they had had a record number of applicants for the number of places available, so in effect they had more students with better results than my DC to choose from.

Do you have a state school place as a fallback?

We won't get our state school preferences. We don't meet enough of the criteria. So we will likely offered our catchment meaning our child will be high school with the one that has caused problems in primary. Even with diluted social circles it's a massive worry and not a situation I think I should send my child into.

I think my plan c is relocate maybe. The only ties we have to the area is family.

I echo the suggestion above: look at a private prep school for Y7 and 8 and then you will have another shot at your target school for 13+ entry.

This is our backup plan, there is a lovely prep which has places become available in Y7 every year and is academically only mildly selective. They are a feeder for our target school, and have a good record for getting pupils in. So ask your target school if they can suggest something similar where you are.

Hi @nodogz any luck with speaking to admissions? I wondered if there was a chance you could be put on a waiting list?

If you happen to be in greater Manchester

• there is tons of movement before Sept - all schools
• people still get last min offers in Sept
• state schools are generally seriously fine
• primary school issues evaporate once they are in a cohort of 300

@nodogz Relocation at this point might still mean you can't get in a full school somewhere else. You'd need to move fast and be a late admission.
I assume indie schools will share results as grammars do.
Did you put down state schools you'd actually get a place at?

That's really hard but the plan of one indie was never a good one. You can always see who has in year places or try again at 13+ but spread your bets! State school
Parents usually vastly underestimate how far ahead the prep school kids will be.

OP - just to say my daughter had her heart set on a particular school that she kept talking and dreaming about since early primary. She didn't get into that school, but during school tours - we accidentally stumbled upon a school we didn't have on our radar but she absolutely LOVED after the open day ("new dream school"). She actually started year 7 elsewhere (I talked her into a different school) but she has ended up switching to her new dream school in Year 8 and is now SUPER HAPPY, loves school, has loads of friends and is on track for top GCSES.

You never know what's around the corner for your son - he might be meant to be at a school that is not yet on his radar and he won't need to do any additional prep as he already prepared for the 11+ for this school and the assessment will be similar. Call up a few other schools and see if they might have spaces and let him have a look at them.