Secondary school making ?ADD increasingly apparent- any tips?

[Boomarang]

Maybe, maybe not ADD.

My son moved up to his ferociously academically selective (independent) secondary school in Sept.

DS (one of 3 children) is academically very talented- much more so than his siblings. He’s popular, thoughtful, quite sensitive, plays sports, sails through objective exams, can tell me all about every element of the periodic table, can describe the flag of any country in the world, can discuss the nuances of world events etc.

But blooming heck, he cannot find his way out of a paper bag. His executive function is terrible. He needs prompting for every daily task. He looses school bags, games kit, coats, bus pass etc etc on a daily basis. We could just about manage it at junior school but this first term in senior school has involved at least one weekly parent trip into school to track down his gear.

Hie report came though today- all comments very positive re exam results and attitude to learning but a thread across all subjects about needing to organise himself, late for class, missing books of kit, handing in prep late (which I know he has done but neglecting to hand in), forgetting he has an instrument lesson.

It’s started to cause him real anxiety now. He is never sure what ball he has dropped. If I ask him ‘have you got your English book’ he just looks terrified until he has found it.

He messages me at work when he is on the bus home saying ‘I’m such an idiot, this just proves it’ when he has misplaced his school bag/ games kit etc.

He has always been scatty, forgetful, messy and we have tried every approach- star charts, penalties, positive reinforcement. Each just seem to lead to him being disappointed in his own organisational failures..

I think he has ADD and his photographic memory and rapid curious brain has got him this far without incident, but at his senior school it’s becoming increasingly apparent this is not enough (nor will it be as he grows up).

I’ve asked school for a meeting next term, they will hopefully give us some guidance.

My main worry is the constant angst he has about what he has lost or forgotten. If you met him you would never know- he converses brilliantly with adults, has a wicked dry sense of humour, is very kind and world aware..

Do any of you have any advice, recommendations, words of wisdom to help us set up for the new term? We have a special drawer for all his school subject folders, timetables and homework planners. It just feels as soon as he gets on the school bus it all comes unstitched.

tell the school you suspect adhd and you want them to put through a referral to community paediatrics. They will start the ball rolling and you will have some paperwork.

ask if they can share some quality first teaching techniques for students with adhd so that he can be supported in the classroom if you feel he has these traits

He sounds just like my son.

please don’t worry. Every child is different.

maybe use a ‘to do’ chart so he can follow it everyday. That will take the pressure of having to remember everything.

It makes when sad when children think of themselves as ‘idiots’ poor darling. Just lots of reassurance and love which I’m sure he gets anyway.

In my line of work I see kids like this EVERY DAY and they are amazing and they do just fine.

Mine is completely different. But ADD is more than being forgetful and disorganised though.

If you suspect ADD, is there anyone in the family who has it or might have it? It's very much a genetically inherited condition.

You might have tried already. Just in case, instead of helping him with parental micromanagement, maybe try to work with him together to find a consistent structure and encourage himself develop a few routine tools to manage by himself. In a sense, I mean instead of asking him "have you got your English book?", ask him to pause before leaving home and think through the checklist every morning independently. And for things he found difficult at school to organise, make a list of all and then develop mechanisms that he himself can manage (and remember to manage).

Not sure if the above addresses the situation. The idea is that he needs a systematic approach. Small reminders here and there are only helpful at a miniscule level and he needs tools that he can own it himself.

This is basically my DD in a nutshell. For the first few terms of senior school she sprayed her stuff round school like a combine harvester. We had spare EVERYTHING - including PE kit and blazers and pencil cases...

After a few terms of reports which all mentioned focus, we got her assessed. Best thing we ever did - she is now on medication and thriving (also in a school which is selective and academic). I cannot describe the difference it has made, so strongly suggest that you go for an assessment ASAP. I wish we'd done it sooner

For what it's worth, it seems to methat most children who are clever in the slightly unusual way that you describe have some kind of neurodiversity.

And also, start talking to Learning Support at school. Because of what I said above, any academic school will be very used to a wide range of ND kids. DD ended up with a year of coaching, which made a huge difference. It always helps having another adult who isn't your parent giving suggestions.

Sorry, I think that response is too simplistic.
It sounds just like my son too, who at 22 is absolutely not fine, and is really struggling to deal with the demands of university, and general adulting. He managed to get by on academic ability, but things started going wrong during A levels, when cleverness alone isn't enough - personal organisation skills are a necessity at that point.
We flagged concerns with school but no support was forthcoming - this was 10 years ago though, and ADD is more widely recognised and diagnosed now. However there is a really long waiting list for assessment, and OP is right to be arranging a meeting with the school now.
OP you will need to be really pushy and proactive about this, to get a diagnosis before GCSEs and to get the support /medication that he will need. Going privately is very expensive, and any prescription will also have to be privately funded - I was really shocked at the cost.
Obviously we have tried to support with strategies and plans, but that hasn't really helped, and I suspect having a professional suggest those same strategies might have worked better. AttillaThePlum makes this point well. But those strategies are also not a cure, and the executive functions issues are causing real mental health problems for my son.

He could well be what they call twice exceptional - neurodivergent and academically gifted. Selective schools will be full of 2e kids (most, like yours, undiagnosed).

I think you’ve described a LOT of autistic traits. The photographic memory, obsession with periodic table and flags (classic!).

The executive function issues are definitely a red flag too. Could be indicative of autism + ADHD (which, in my opinion, occur together more often than not and more often than we realise).

Try to arrange a meeting with the school SENCO. My DD is at a grammar school and I have found them absolutely incredible at understanding and supporting 2e kids. Generally speaking it’s a poorly understood ND profile, but selective schools really get it because it’s the most common profile they see.

Thank you all for your replies and sharing your experiences and tips. There is a lot of food for thought here. We’ll get proactive with more supportive strategies again after we’ve all had a rest over the Christmas period 😴

His form tutor has already emailed me saying she has noticed some of the challenges he has, he is far from being the only child in the school to struggle in this way, and they will meet with us in January to discuss a plan moving forward.

@DelphiniumBlue I’m genuinely sorry to hear your son is struggling now- I hope things get better soon for him xx

My Dd 17 had ASd and adhd.

I have a lot of highlighters and every month l stick a massive calendar on the fridge. Deadlines, appointments, anything, aunty Flo coming to visit. Its all colour coded.

This helps tremendously. Also having replacements if everything and lists.

It's good that the school are noticing where he is struggling and are willing to help.

Struggling with executive function can cause long term stress. It sounds like your DS is already feeling the strain.

I'd help him be as organised as possible. Help him check his homework is upto date, help him check his bag is ready for the next day with the right books, PE kit etc. Remind him what needs to be handed in each day.

I know most kids are starting to do this themselves in year 7 but a neuro diverse child needs more support and takes longer to manage it themselves. Him being anxious about it isn't good for his confidence. Try and reduce the pressure where you can and encourage the school to support him too.

Ohmygoodness I could almost have written this myself! My son is younger (year 4) but sounds very similar to yours. He's also at a ferociously academic selective prep school and absolutely walks every assessment (141 in recent CAT4 tests, top of the year for maths etc.) but his classwork and general organisation is a disaster.

I've just had a meeting with the SENCO and the school are going to put an IEP in place for next term and will also make a referral for an autism and ADD diagnosis (we have both in the family). Meanwhile I've explained to my son that it's likely he finds some daily tasks challenging (e.g. remembering what he needs to do to get ready for school, focussing on his classwork etc.) because his brain works in a different way to someone who doesn't find these things a challenge. I've started helping him with post-it notes in his school diary (e.g. 'Music lesson at 11am', 'Remember to bring maths book home') and his IEP will make it clear that he needs regular prompts throughout the day to chivvy him along.

I would definitely push the school for more support. I think once they/your son accepts that there are some things he just can't manage and no amount of rewards/penalties etc. is going to make any difference, it will be a huge relief and he can get on with being the brilliant child he is with all the support he needs. Good luck and keep us posted.

My response will not apply to everyone and it is not intended to, obviously!

We found that secondary school was when the problems became more than something I could fix by just compensating for lack of executive function.

There's a very strong family history of ASD, ADHD and ADD in my family, and we had pretty much assumed DD was ADHD from a very early age and kept that in mind, and we have various reasons to not seek a Dx or treatment earlier (in hindsight I wish we had).

Medication has made a huge difference, but it's not a magic bullet. It also helps DD knowing there is a reason why some things are a big struggle for her.

Be aware that there is a 2-3 year waiting list for assessment in many places at the moment. We went privately earlier this year as I wanted things sorted well before GCSEs.

I would definitely get him assessed. DD has just been diagnosed in Y13 and it's helped already although she's still in titration. We did it privately because waiting lists are so long and she has A levels and hopefully uni coming up. It cost £750 for the assessment and currently £100pm for meds but hoping the GP will take that on eventually.

Get him assessed so you are clear if there is an ND diagnosis (sounds like he has at least one of ADHD/autism from how you describe him). It’s obviously already affecting his self esteem and how he regards himself (as an idiot 😭) so don’t wait. It takes a long time on the NHS (years), so look at doing it privately if you can possibly afford it. There is a LOT of evidence that people with ADHD do much better on medication in terms of executive function, it could be life changing for him.

My son is academically very bright but has ADHD, he was fine until he went to secondary school when personal organisation is so much more important, he didn’t get diagnosed til middle of his GCSEs during the pandemic and I do regret not pushing harder for a diagnosis and potentially medication earlier on.

Be super pushy with the school in terms of asking for adaptations and support that you think would help, you don’t have to wait for a diagnosis to ask for this either. I also regret not being pushier about this previously. What really helps my son is having someone sit with him once a week and look through his homework diary, make sure he is on track with things. Also all his teachers knowing to just lift the phone and call me the minute there is an issue eg something not handed in on time, and not leaving it to snowball. The school not handing him bits of paper to give to me but communicating directly with me about stuff I need to know. Etc.

This is all invaluable. Thank you so much.

I just showed my husband this thread- we’re both working professionals in medical fields (clearly not paeds/ camhs, I work half time), it’s been so helpful in getting our conversation going and getting our heads in line about what to do next.

I used to joke about things being ‘so mumsnet’ but you guys have been so generous with your time and experience. Thank you.

My DD and her ADHD became obvious within a term of high school. Seek help from school and read up on it all

May I ask what private provider you used for assessment? Did it feel robust? Do they tick the boxes for monitoring meds re Blood pressure, weight etc?

@Boomarang
We went to the GP first and he recommended someone - an NHS consultant paediatrician who specialises in ADHD and also does private work. So all v good. Yes, he examined her, took bp (three times due to white coat effect 😂), weighed her. The letter of diagnosis is extremely long and detailed.

The assessment was across two hour long appointments and we had to gather evidence in between from us, other family members, friends and teachers. She reports in to him via email once a week and he adjusts the dose if he thinks it necessary (no charge for the emailing bit or for issuing prescriptions). Follow up in-person appt is in a couple of weeks when he will check bp and weight again.

He is fantastic, extended his clinic to fit us in as he could see that she has important exams soon, would highly recommend him if you are anywhere near Cardiff. He has emailed me absolutely tons of information about ADHD - happy to share if you would like to see any of it.

My ds has autism and is similar in terms of organisation. He has an EHCP so has had support in his transition to secondary school. However lots of the strategies the school use to help him aren't particularly time consuming or expensive. The good news is that his organisational skills have also come on massively with extra help so he is already needing less help. I would talk to his tutor in the first instance and ask if he can have some extra support. It might be a few tweaks like a more detailed timetable / checking in with someone at the end of the day about homework/ leaving kit in a specific place etc. Also at home we always check his bag / homework after he has done it so he has reassurance it's all right. We also bought a large school bag to ensure everything can go in there - multiple bags are asking for trouble!

@Boomarang Where are you? We also used a private provider who is in the Midlands, and I would recommend unhesitatingly as she has ND kids herself. And although we are on shared care with the NHS providing the prescriptions, she is doing all the checks every six months for monitoring. DM me if that location is even remotely useful (it's a two hour drive for us, but worth it!)

We used a private provider in London - happy to provide details if helpful.

I sent a big initial email, then sent all reports, questionnaires and a lot of other info in advance of a 1 hour face to face appointment.

Blood pressure, heart check, weight and height all monitored at each appointment.

We've just moved to shared care, but see them every 6 months (initially every 3 months). DD is basically the poster child for methylphenidate though so titration was remarkably easy and we got almost instantaneous positive results.

I have a 19yo DS with severe ADD and ASD. Agree that medication, whilst not a magic bullet can mean the difference between coping and not. I would also be very wary of (or avoid altogether) an uber competitive or 'ferociously academic' selective school, whether grammar or independent, no matter how academically able a DC is. Based on personal experience, a non-selective school might be better for their self-esteem and long term mental health.

I found with my DS in Y7 that a degree of parental micro management was essential. Literally every night for the entire year I would get him to pack his bag, and then I would check it. I sat with him every night and went through homework requirements, helped him make a plan as to what would get done when, and helped him follow through. I checked every piece of homework and reassured him every step of the way. It was the only way to help him cope.

I found that trying to offer 'to do' lists and general 'have you got that book' or 'have you done your homework' reminders just couldn't cut it - he just became overwhelmed. He needed more focused support and couldn't manage to stick to a to do list if his life depended on it.

So my best advice would be to treat a DC with suspected or diagnosed ADHD as a much younger child and be on top of everything they need, for and with them. Because at 11/12 a child with ADHD/ADD will not be capable of doing it themselves.

Gradually during Y8 I reduced the amount of micromanagement until by Y9 he was much more independent. But he has continued to and probably will always need more support.

DS is now in his second year at uni, and managing incredibly well all things considered. Still needs more help and support than the average student though.

I have an older DD who is NT and a younger one with inattentive ADHD. DD1 started secondary school last year and was really anxious about forgetting things. Some of the strategies we used with her, we will definitely used for DD2.

We have a bag packing list for each day of the 2 week timetable, listing every subject she has each day, plus whether she has games that day. I would run through her bag each evening with her to confirm it had the right stuff in it.

At the end of each school day she sends me a WhatsApp listing what is in her locker at school, so we don't have to worry about where that stuff is. It also means that she looks at her phone before she leaves school, so I can send her reminders (e.g. bring home PE kit). Similarly, I can message her in the morning to remind her of things to do that day (not as good as not something that needs immediate action).

Homework is all on Teams, so I can see it and agree what needs to be done and when.

DD1 now does all of that independently, but I'm sure DD2 will need parental support for longer and even more involvement. She isn't medicated, her consultant said she doesn't recommend it for her. I'm not sure how much it helps with organisation.

I'm interested in the comments about super selective schools. DD1 is thriving at one, but it is really pressured and sometimes she's meant to be in three places at once. I can't see DD2 coping with that, even though she's as bright as DD1. I don't know how we will choose a school for DD2 and where might accept her. I'd love for her to get everything that DD1 gets from her school and feel guilty about suggesting that she needs somewhere that offers less but demands less too.