Getting son to take exams more seriously

[Getagripwillyou]

Getting so frustrated with ds (15). He's a reasonably bright, able lad. Predicted minimum 7s for most GCSE subjects. Teachers speak fairly highly of him. Don't doubt he's working hard at school.

He didn't revise at all for year 10 mocks, got 5s and 6s. Revised somewhat for year 11 mocks, as in he did a bit each day if nagged but think he put more energy into arguing and trying to blag me than anything.

Just got 4s and 5s in year 11 mocks. He was initially disappointed but it now saying all is fine.

The boy can convince himself of anything. He was a few marks off the next grade up on a few subjects so has decided he 'basically got 5s and 6s really'. Blaming teacher issues. There has been a teacher issue in one subject with teacher on long term sick but ultimately ds takes zero responsibility for helping himself.

He 'hasn't got time' to do most of the things suggested although he can sit in his room for several hours watching football videos.

Loads of other kids did worse than him so actually his aren't that bad (I don't doubt it but tell that to a college or sixth form).

Past papers are useless anyway as they'll be different questions. Just wtf on this one?

His teachers were very encouraging and say they're confident he'll meet his predicted grades if he focused and puts the work in. Ds only hears the first bit and zones out of the work bit.

I'm at a loss really with him. I'm torn between leaving him to it and letting him learn the hard way and coming down hard and taking his phone until he dies some proper work.

He's infuriating because I know he's got ability but he's a lazy sod who thinks it's all going to fall into his lap.

You have my sympathy.
Has he applied to 6th form yet? That might make the grades thing more "real"? Maybe talk to him about a plan b for if he doesn't gethe grades. That might help the penny drop.

He has applied to two but I had to nag him to do that. The sixth form he'd like to go to he won't get if he doesn't meet his targets.

I've asked him what he's going to do if he doesn't get the grades and to think about a plan B. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it. He'll say something like "I'll just do an apprenticeship". Doesn't know what though.

I know that's not what he really wants to do he's just arguing h for the sake of arguing because he's too lazy to do what he needs to do.

My sons the same he's just received his results for his mocks and hes expected 6s and 7s in everything. But they where expecting him to get a 8 in maths and computer science which has been dropped to a 7. He doesn't seem to be bothered all the he's saying as long as I pass I don't care. He hasn't applied to a college yet and he's not planning on going to a university. Think I will leave him till after Christmas then start nagging him.

Sal

Ultimately it's up to him. You can't make him work harder.
Mocks may have convinced him that he needs to do more. Or he may not.

Does he understand how to study? And how to revise? Woud he appreciate you supporting him or would he just find it an annoyance. I think some students are scared of "failing" so they self sabotage themselves by not trying.

What does he want to do next year? If he had a specific plan in mind, then understanding what grades he needs to do it might help.

I think this is a common problem, particularly in boys. They aren't mature enough to appreciate the need to apply themselves.

Bloody kids. Completely recognise the whole, oh its virtually a 7, or it's because of the teacher... Bullshit. Irritating doesn't seem to be a sufficient word.

What's his favourite subject? I'd start by pushing that. You can buy exam board specific revision cards. Way better than the books. Recommend. And then I'd look at English and maths. Leave him to the rest.

Ask for his idea of a revision schedule. Don't ask for too much. Even 30 minutes a day, say 3 cards a subject would go a long way.

In some senses, as long as he passes then all and opens the gate to the next level, he's OK. But it's hard watching them underperform. Really hard.

Good luck

Yes I would take his phone for a while each evening, but I'd also be a bit concerned about the message that he can only work if he's physically separated from it. However, I think it needs to be done. I would have struggled if I had access to something like a phone as a teenager. I'd get him to work downstairs and be around while he does it. Even if he manages two 20 minute actual work chunks a night, there should be signs of improvement (obviously 3 chunks would be better).

I think be very neutral about it. None of his ideas for the future, however vague, are likely to be easily achievable without at least a few decent GCSEs. He's currently finding the work hard to do. So it's up to you to at least try some new things to support him to change that. I'm afraid I'd regard his arguments on this as so much white noise.

Explain the significance of exams. Don't rescue him.

"past papers are useless"
No, they're not. The questions will be different, but the mark scheme, content and skills requirement will be the same.
A lot of my yr11 boys are like this at the moment, I'm in touch with a lot of frustrated parents.
He needs to work downstairs and have checks on learning. Even 20 minutes from a revision guide would help.

He is infuriatingly normal! Don’t step in. He is scared of failure, that’s what all the BS stems from. Give him one talk when you say you are not going to micromanage him, it’s his life, you will be proud of him whatever he does whether it’s uni or working in (insert a low paid job he’d hate) and it’s on him. You will support him if he wants help revising/workbooks/whatever resources but other than that - you will let him fail, if that’s his choice. Then support him to resit or whatever.

I think it’s better for parents to teach their kids how to deal with failure/plans changing, than try to teach them to pass their exams.

His favourite subject is probably sports studies. He's doing well in that one so that's not a concern.

He's sailing close to the wind with the other subjects.

Next year he wanted to do sports, biology and something else, possibly geography. Well he won't be doing those with 4s and 5s. He's convinced himself that he got 5s and 6s really. He even lies to himself about the grades needed to get accepted onto the course.

I'm trying so hard with him in all kinds of ways. Printing out worksheets, finding him teacher recommended online resources and reminding him what his teacher said would be useful. Finding audiobooks and podcasts for his English literature texts. Reminding him of his login for GCSE videos because he can't be bothered to write it down somewhere.

I ordered a load of folders and magazine holders for all his work and organised it all for him. Doing quizzes with him for Science and History. Finding past exam papers and mark schemes and encouraging him to have a look and think about how he could build in on his answers.

All I get is eye rolls, sarcastic answers, getting told I'm stating the obvious.

Quite frankly he's being a little shit. But what am I supposed to do just let him waste his time 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like you're doing the right things. He needs the grades for the post 16 studies. He must understand that it will close doors unless he applies himself.
Sometimes they think that the 6th form will admit them anyway, because they've been so well supported to this point. You'll need to emphasise that the post 16 courses will be selective, and they will be over subscribed, so he needs to work towards admittance grades.

So much good advice on here, and so much resonates with me. My (now 22) DS was exactly the same. In the end he told me not to 'nag' him as it stressed him out - so I didn't, and he didn't get the grades he needed. Cue total meltdown. I ended up begging 6th form to let him in, which they did. He'll now freely admit he should have worked harder and should have sucked up his results and gone to college. He's not academic- very bright but much more vocational. College would have been a far better option.

There's only so much you can do - in the end it's up to him and he'll learn that inaction has consequences.

The other thing I'd say is don't dismiss past papers - they re valuable in terms of understanding exam technique as well as the type of question that's likely to come up. And of course refreshing knowledge.

Good luck to you both.

My dd is the same, but really, what can you do. Even if I nailed her to a chair to study, she'd just day dream. This has to be intrinsic.

We’ve given our dd15 monetary incentives to get her through her exams, not everyone’s ideal, I know but she has struggled with secondary school and this seems to have kicked her into some kind of positive action.

@Getagripwillyou , it's worth reminding him that if he fails maths or english he'll need to do more maths and english at college. That line worked for a friend of mine.

You should also tell him that the job market for sports scientists is saturated. If he is planning to work in that field he will need an edge to stand out, and a solid backup plan.

My ds is much the same.

He got low marks in his year 10 mocks, and that shook him, so he did some work and got his grades up to expected 6,7, & 8s.

Then for year 11 mocks, I bought him all the revision guides and study cards. Most of them are untouched. I also got the 'it'll be fine', 'the teacher is rubbish' etc.

I'd love him to pass his mocks but I suspect his grades will drop again. Then, with luck that will push him into doing some work in the new year.

I'll start serious pushing if he doesn't revise harder in the spring.

Tried bribery last time. It worked somewhat, but obviously whatever revision he did do wasn't enough or the right type of revision. He won't admit this even though grades are lower than year 10.

I know that past papers are very useful, it's just ds bullshitting but it's infuriating.

It's hasn't helped that his teachers were so encouraging because ds will hear the bit that he wants to hear. He'll hear the grade 7-8 but and miss the work part.

Thank you for the advice and thoughts and also k owing I'm not alone in my frustration.

Sounds familiar... We had fixed revision time i think from February half term... Look at pomodoro technique as well , bought a revision book for each subject and worked through in a pattern each week... No phone
Apart from physical activity nothing was done til after revision session... It became a routine thing..but was quite heavily policed at first to establish

My msg was if u want 6th form you're going to have to work to have choice s .... To be fair we did slant effort on top 6 subjects as needed 6 grade 5+ to get in ..

I have long thought that it would be good for some kids like these to go and work for a year or two before coming back to their education with not just some extra maturity, but a better sense of purpose and some meaningful goals in mind. So that they would feel positive about education because they were ready for it, and there would be the side benefit of reducing disruptive classroom behaviour.

I've not much idea how you would actually set up such arrangements to be effective though. And I can't "put my money where my mouth is" as my own children have, like us, been academic high fliers.

No real answers for those of you in the thick of it, but I hope you can find a way in to conversations that help your children express their fears and worries, describe what they are really interested in, so that you can then bolster their self-confidence and help them start to find motivation towards their futures. Best of luck to you all.

Sounds familiar.

I know it's not popular with MN but I micromanaged the hell out of it! Figured that if I could make sure of decent GCSE grades, he would have a foundation to build on. The rest would be up to him after that.

First thing - be realistic. Outside if exam time my ds was getting at least a couple of hours homework a night, which I made sure got done. He wasn't going to be revising after that.

He used to have a lot of end of topic/unit tests so I helped with revision for those, as that would mean he would hopefully remember some if it when it came to exams.

Once homework dropped off, we set up a realistic revision timetable. I got all the board specific CGP revision books (they helped me as much as anything), and worked through as many topics as we could. At the end of each topic we looked at past paper questions and mark schemes.

It was a lot of hard work and time consuming, but he got the results he was capable of, and learnt how to work and revise along the way.

A levels were down to him, but ultimately scuppered by COVID. He has managed to get himself to his final year of a degree all on his own.

Past papers are useless anyway as they'll be different questions. Just wtf on this one?

They are excellent for learning exam technique especially in maths and science papers.

DD took maths iGCSE early - in the January instead of the June. She did a practice paper most days over the Christmas holidays and by the time she took the maths exams she sailed through them with ease and achieved a high A*.

She isn't exceptionally good at maths, it just took loads and loads of practice to understand what was required of her and how to approach the questions.

Would talking about results day help at all?

eg
How will you feel on results day if your friends get 6-8s and you get 4-5s because you didn't put the work in?
Which would you rather in August, to get results knowing you tried your best, or to be seeing under achievement?
How will you feel to see your friends get on their chosen course when you are having to compromise?

Also
These results will be with you for life. You will have to 'own' them with no excuses. No one will care if you say 'I could have got more had I revised' they will just see the results.

DD1 tried hard and to keep her motivated we talked about not wanting 'if only' on results day. No 'if only I'd gone to those extra revision classes' or whatever. We knew by the time the exams rolled round she had done as much as she could reasonably do.

Really does depend what mood he's in on any given day. Some days he's willing to speak other days it's eye rolls and excuses.

I know deep down that he cares but he lacks maturity and organisational skills. It's hard to help someone who pretty much throws it all in your face.

Googled the pomodoro technique and I like this a lot.