Getting son to take exams more seriously

[Getagripwillyou]

Getting so frustrated with ds (15). He's a reasonably bright, able lad. Predicted minimum 7s for most GCSE subjects. Teachers speak fairly highly of him. Don't doubt he's working hard at school.

He didn't revise at all for year 10 mocks, got 5s and 6s. Revised somewhat for year 11 mocks, as in he did a bit each day if nagged but think he put more energy into arguing and trying to blag me than anything.

Just got 4s and 5s in year 11 mocks. He was initially disappointed but it now saying all is fine.

The boy can convince himself of anything. He was a few marks off the next grade up on a few subjects so has decided he 'basically got 5s and 6s really'. Blaming teacher issues. There has been a teacher issue in one subject with teacher on long term sick but ultimately ds takes zero responsibility for helping himself.

He 'hasn't got time' to do most of the things suggested although he can sit in his room for several hours watching football videos.

Loads of other kids did worse than him so actually his aren't that bad (I don't doubt it but tell that to a college or sixth form).

Past papers are useless anyway as they'll be different questions. Just wtf on this one?

His teachers were very encouraging and say they're confident he'll meet his predicted grades if he focused and puts the work in. Ds only hears the first bit and zones out of the work bit.

I'm at a loss really with him. I'm torn between leaving him to it and letting him learn the hard way and coming down hard and taking his phone until he dies some proper work.

He's infuriating because I know he's got ability but he's a lazy sod who thinks it's all going to fall into his lap.

A couple of other possible tactics-

• Take him at his word that he will do an apprenticeship if he doesn't get the grades for sixth form. Fine. Look at what the apprenticeship would be, where, how he would get to it, earnings, what his friends are doing etc. Make it real, for both of you- it is where he is heading right now, does he see that as a good thing? Will he enjoy it and will it open the doors he wants?
• Find some DC one year older, so they can discuss their experiences. I know a 17 year old who works in a cafe/ does retakes, having flunked all of his GCSEs and watching his mates swan off to sixth form. He is better than any mum at explaining to DC why revision is important, but also he shows it's real and life goes on. He has matured very fast.

Good luck. It's a tough thing to be part of.

Exactly like my dd! We are just waiting for her mock results but I expect they will be down on what she has been hoping

Ps I don't think the pornodoro technique will help- but the typo did cheer me right up!!

My eyesight is really bad 🙄 didn't even notice

I am as guilty of this as most parents, but the kids know that we will be “proud” of them whatever their achievements. I think this is very valid when effort is put in, but not so sure when despite all the teachers’ best efforts/mum support ( both emotional and practical), it’s then thrown back in one’s face. I wonder if some parents say that they will be extremely disappointed/angry if certain grades are not achieved and that the kids know that there will be a cloud hanging over them for a good length of time.
No real advice as you are doing everything you can short of becoming a full time tutor!!

My ds turned a corner after Xmas. Think school got to them eventually. He did well in the end but nerve racking getting there.
What about pure bribery? £50 for over a 7??
Or my ds went to Reading on results day. Was adamant he wanted to go in a good mood and not a bad mood.
On his results day there were people upset they got 2/3/4s and didn't do better. DS said these were the same people who were proud they weren't trying that hard. Just heed to explain effort equals reward.
At the end of the day it's his future he's messing up.

Oh and a pomade fan too. But every time I went in his room seemed to be on his break 😂.

Stop the pressure. He knows what to do and constant nagging won't help. My son was the same he worked at school- if he liked the teacher but never at home. He is a bright lad so got ok GCSEs but below his potential. He went to sixth form, made great friends had a wonderful social life for two years and came out with DDE. Not brilliant but shows he is bright if he can get that with noi work. |He is now doing an apprenticeship with a well known car firm to be a mechanic. He loves it. He is working hard and is 6 months ahead in the training, he is flying so his self esteem has improved. Academia is not for everyone even the clever ones!

I wish I’d had a pound for every teenager who came back after they’d left school and said they wished they had listened to us and done some work.

They used to think they’d go and work in the local supermarket. It was a bit of a shock to discover they couldn’t even get an interview.

You can encourage, nag or bribe, or all three, but ultimately he’s the one doing the exams and he has to take responsibility.

What does the broader structure around prep & revision look like for him?

You can't make him care & shouldn't be micromanaging the nuances of his study schedule at this point. But having imposed structure is still fully appropriate for his age & maturity level. If he were at a typical boarding school, what would his evenings look like in terms of prep and electronics access in year 11? There would almost certainly be a set period of quiet, supervised work at a designated desk where electronics are only used for school, for example.

It maybe worth letting him know that he won't get an apprenticeship unless he can prove that he can work.

There is a lot of competition for apprenticeships and they won't take someone who was expected to get 7s across the board but got 4s and 5s.

I could have written your post OP. Same issues here. I was a secondary teacher for 20 years though and you can't force them to do it. Lots of boys do very little until the last minute then so lots. If they have the ability they generally do ok.

@Getagripwillyou will he have February mocks too? Are his mates going to the sixth form he wants? I think the reality is he isn't revising so on results day he can act like he doesn't care about his grades because he didn't revise anyway and in his head he still will consider himself on 7s or higher because that is what he would have achieved if he had worked.

There is no resitting GCSEs easily, only maths and English language. Ds's mate didn't achieve a 6 in a subject he wanted to take to A level because he didn't really revise, so right there and then on results day he had to choose another subject, his grade profile ruled him out for some A levels so he took a lower qualification subject which ruled out uni as he wouldn't have 3 A levels at the end or 2 A levels and a BTEC. All his mates went off to uni, he is on less than £14k because he isn't 21 yet. Can't afford driving lessons at £70 for 2 hours, can't afford a car or to run one on that salary and his bus fare is huge.

Does your Ds understand the grade curve so that people are forced to get grades below a 4 depending on how everyone performs against the whole cohort of year 11s taking their GCSEs.

You know he is watching football for hours in his room so I would stop that now. He is downstairs working and has to show you he is working.

I would be cracking down- set an amount of revision hours per day and take his phone until it’s completed.

Oh my @Getagripwillyou I literally could have written all your posts, including the subject choices. Although my DS as also said he wants to do maths. I think we should connect and have a support club for this! I am reading through all the posts but just had to step in here and say Hi to you! Done the folder stuff, the audiobooks, all those things you mention. Tried all approaches. Can’t bear to think of him in the summer disappointed and upset and angry with himself for not getting the grades he could have. Beyond frustrating and so so stressful!

@terraced this is what I’m thinking, you can only take a horse to water etc…. So I can’t think taking phones off etc can be productive? They have to want to do it (at some level), surely

@Seeline i tried to do that, am trying to do that, but it is heavily resisted - your son obviously was more up for it. How did you eventually manage to encourage him to do it?

How much time is realistic/ok at this stage? @terraced particularly interested in your thoughts, with your experience?

Re the pomodoro technique, just googled but this seems quite intensive - 4/5 x 25mins focused slots in a row with 5 mins inbetween then have a longer 15-30 mins breather then repeat?! or have I misunderstood? Those who are doing this, how are you doing it? Will you be encouraging this over Xmas hols?

Not the MN approved approach 😁

He got a lot of homework so that had to be done downstairs where I could see him working (usually having removed his phone).
Once school indicated that homework was revision, then I basically sat next to him whilst he did it. Worked through revision books, talked through practice questions, examined mark schemes, tested vocab, printed off past papers and helped mark them. Any areas he was unsure of, we went back to the revision guides and recapped.

Ultimately it was two periods of a few weeks before his mocks (mainly over the Christmas holidays) and then after Easter when study leave kicked in.

As I said above, A levels he was in his own, but at least had an idea about how to approach it. And he is now in his 4th and final year at uni, having done it all himself, living away from home.

I think for many, they just don't know how or where to start, so it's easier just to avoid completely.

Well done @Seeline for doing all that. My son is in y9 and I have been trying to move to the set-up you had but it is difficult. It sounds like boys especially can have their heads in the sand. It shows as they get lower GCSE results on average.