Secondary school toilets

[LadyCrazyCatLady]

DD (Y7) has come home quite upset from school today after 2 Y9/Y10 boys unlocked the toilet cubicle that she was in and opened the door.

Luckily, they did not 'see anything' but DD felt quite scared as the lock started opening and she could hear the deep voices of older boys outside. I think given she was vulnerable and unfortunately we've recently had to talk about safety with regards to bodies/consent etc. following on from an incident involving a close family friend (also 11yo girl) she was particularly upset.

I asked about the layout of school toilets and she says most are usual school toilets with gaps at the top/bottom and they are mostly unisex. There are a handful of single sex toilets, but there's not always time to access them.

I'd like to approach this with the school, but not sure how best to word it.

I don't think these boys had any intent beyond a practical joke, but DD didn't know that and, as someone who was sexually assaulted in secondary school, I'm a little alarmed that it's that easy for older boys to access my DD while she's in a state of undress.

DD does not know who the boys are, once they'd opened her cubicle and laughed, they ran away.

This definitely needs addressing with the school - it is a safeguarding issue and I would ask to speak to the Deputy head/ head - this time the boys may not have intended any harm but all children should feel safe in the bathroom at school.

Hope you get somewhere with this and your daughter is ok.

This is a major safeguarding red flag. Boys should not be able to gain access to your dd when she’s using the toilet. I’d raise it as a safeguard g complaint with the school’s DSL. I imagine this ‘joke’ has been played in other girls before, I doubt it’s a one off.

Unfortunately, lots of school have switched to unisex toilets because they think this is the kind thing to do (to support trans students). Unfortunately it is anything but. Please challenge the school. Parents who challenge help the teachers (like me) who are trying to battle against the lack of girls'toilets from the inside.

Safe Schools Alliance have some good materials and template letters about toilet provision.

Thank you for the comments.

My DD has begged me not to say anything to the school as she's embarrassed 😣

I've said to her that I really think we need to as she's done nothing wrong and the school needs to ensure that this sort of thing can't happen. I said that she has a right to privacy when she's using the toilet and it's the school's job to ensure this happens.

If I talk to school, are they likely to 'make a thing of it' with DD by calling her out of class and making her talk about it?

If you don’t feel comfortable complaining directly to the school, find out who is on the school’s governing body and raise it with them. I would suggest the safeguarding lead would be most appropriate as they will be trained and will treat this with the seriousness it deserves. I certainly would if I was a member of the GB. Your poor dd…

Just spoken to DD again and she's agreed to me telling the school.

She's now thinking that the did actually 'see her'.

I feel awful for her - I need her to be comfortable accessing the toilet at school, especially as she grows and needs to manage periods etc.

Do any of you have any tips on how to word the email?

What I'd really love is for them to change the structure of the toilets to single-sex, but I'm unlikely to accomplish that so wonder what I should be suggesting as a solution.

Your poor DD, what a pair of little shits. I’d be raising holy hell with the school and demanding there’s access to single sex toilets. This is why single sex spaces matter!

If you repost this on the feminism: sex and gender board you will get help on how to word, though as a PP mention the safe schools alliance would be the place to start. iirc they have a leaflet on just this topic.

Even in single sex toilets this sort of shit is happening.

A friends son was sitting on the toilet and a group of boys leaned over the top and filmed him on their phones then posted it on the internet.

It does not shock me in the slightest that a lot of kids don't want to go to school.

sex matters have information and help .

https://sex-matters.org/toilets-matter/

https://sex-matters.org/where-sex-matters/schools-and-safeguarding/

There's a letter template for mixed sex toilets here https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/resources-2/letter-templates/

As a secondary teacher, I can say that your dd will probably be asked to write a statement, and asked to name the boys in the statement if she knows who they are. Teachers shouldn't say anything about her experience publicly. I do think it's worth making a general complaint about mixed sex toilets and raising the safeguarding issues. This wouldn't have happened if the toilets were single sex, so they could easily have prevented it.

That's awful @herringboneparquet

That behavior is incredibly degrading and dangerous, and frankly those boys are already at an age where they can, and perhaps should, be arrested. Or at the very least, picked up by the police and told in no uncertain terms that this kind of behavior will lead them to the sex offenders registry. We're talking about older teenagers barging in on vulnerable young girls in a state of undress. This isn't a "prank" by any reasonable definition, and I would call the school on it if they even try to use that word to downplay this. It's especially outrageous if this is one of those schools that restricts toilet use to breaks/lunch to prevent this exact kind of bullying and harassment.

From what I gather on this site, invoking the police is also a good way to ensure that the school takes the matter seriously.

@LadyCrazyCatLady you approach the school by writing to the Head of Year (optionally cc the form teacher) and by describing factually what happened, as you did here, then ask them to tell you what action will be taken. If you don't get a satisfactory response, escalate it to the Headteacher. These days, schools have to take incidents like this very seriously, not dismiss them as jokes. Read the school's anti-bullying policy, which will be on their website.

If the school has cctv cameras near the toilets, the footage will be examined to try and identify the boys. If they are identified, don't expect to be told exactly what their sanction is - that will be confidential to them and their parents.

School toilets do sometimes have locks that can be opened from outside - it's meant to be a safeguarding measure (ironically in this case).

"If I talk to school, are they likely to 'make a thing of it' with DD by calling her out of class and making her talk about it?"

No, of course not! However, make it clear in your email that you want her privacy to be respected.

DD2’s school has single sex toilets. I made a complaint about girls sitting on top of the cubicle partitions which meant that other girls could not use the toilets. Girls were too frightened/humiliated to go in and change their sanitary protection during their periods. Really awful.

School took it very seriously, put teachers in toilets to monitor behaviour from the next day. Now they have put in CCTV (can’t see inside the cubicles, obviously). The bad behaviour has stopped.

I would be appalled by the idea of unisex toilets, even without what your DD has experienced. If you write a strongly worded email to the Head about what happened, and emphasise safeguarding, personal safety, and the health impacts for children who are too frightened to use the toilet, the school should hopefully take action. I really wouldn’t bother with the Head of Year - I would go straight to the Head to emphasise what a serious matter this is.

Just to also answer your other points, OP, the solution you are asking for is (i) all toilets being single sex, and (ii) toilets being supervised by staff to make sure that children can use them safely and without fear of humiliation.

DD2 was never taken out of class and asked what happened or anything like that. In terms of your DD, I don’t think anyone would expect a girl in Y7 to know the names of boys further up the school. I don’t think it’s necessarily about some sort of punishment for those specific boys this time, it’s about changing the structure of the toilets and how they are managed moving forwards. It’s totally reasonable to assume that the school can do any building work necessary to remodel the toilets to make them back into single sex. Schools make these sort of changes all the time.

Good luck with it OP.

Speak to the safeguarding lead and explain this is a safeguarding issue and why aren’t there more single sex loos when legislation is very clear this is appropriate for privacy.

Thank you all,

We have sent an email, addressed from both my husband and I to the head of Y7, who is also one of the school's 4 safeguarding leads.

We have cc'd in the other 3 safeguarding leads, two of whom are assistant heads.

The info on this thread has been very helpful to a) reassure is that we weren't overreacting and b) aid in how to word the email.

I'm hopeful that the school sort something out to ensure this sort of thing can't happen again. We're new to the school and this is our first 'issue', but it has a good reputation for dealing with parent concerns, so I'm trying to be optimistic.

It needs to go higher than the head of year. Email head, safeguarding lead, chair of governors. Consider putting a formal complaint into governors if unhappy with the response.

Well done op!

On a different note, both my husband and I have told our DD how proud we are of her for telling us about it, when it was clear she was embarrassed and didn't want to and even more so, given the way she's understood how important it is to tell the school.

My DD refused to use the toilets at school for 5yrs (she’s just left) due to how unsafe she felt using them. I had to pick her up a couple of times due to her period as she couldn’t use the toilets. It’s an absolute disgrace that this goes on but I’m not surprised. The fact that schools are now having to resort to cctv and doors being taken off the main bathroom - not the cubicles- to allow our young women to feel safe. What has gone so wrong with our society!

I work at a newly built school, and was involved in the design process. Most of the toilets are on the ground floor, next to the canteen. They are separate for male and female (though there are unisex single toilets elsewhere around the building). The cubicles are floor to ceiling, providing much needed privacy. There are no outer doors, so the teachers can stand at the entrance and see what's going on around the sinks. It works well. It's not just girls who need to feel safe, but boys too - a lot of boy-on-boy bullying happens in school toilets.