What to do with my DS who is heading towards GCSE failure

[thepuffin]

Hello, will try not to make this too long. My DS (15, Year 11) is usually a lovely boy and has always done averagely well at school but in the last year has nose dived educationally, detentions every week for not doing homework, makes minimal effort, no pride in presentation, predicted grades 5 but getting 2s. For context, he is a late developer puberty wise and just having a hormone surge and lots of rudeness recently and has been assessed this year for having autism, possible ADHD (has been referred) and separately he also has severe OCD at home. Not a great combination and feel for him and supporting him here. I have bought him study guides, remind him of his homework deadlines, supported him doing coursework and attended all school events and liasing with Head of Year and SENCO. But this academic year is passing by and I feel sick that he is going to bomb his exams and come out with nothing and will feel upset seeing his mates head on to sixth form. There is a local college to us but it doesn't have a great reputation. I know it's not the end of the world, and he doesn't need qualifications to be happy, but worry that he is going to limit his opportunities and regret his lack of effort now. Any suggestions would be gratefully received, please be gentle, am finding this very tough. Thanks

Is it possible that he has 'coped' up to now, but the increasing pressure of y11 has been too much for him and he has buckled?

Can you have some chats in the car with him about how he is feeling and how the year is going?

Definitely visit the local college and see what the options are. If he has a 'fallback' of a course he might enjoy that has low entry grades that might help him relax and stress left.

Maybe talk about what is needed for next steps. See if you can agree on a subset of 'priority' subjects that you can work on together and if needed let one of 2 lesser ones go if that can help reduce his stress.

(My DD2 missed all of y11, the world didn't end.)

I am having similar issues with my dd. Also AUDHD. She has dropped 3 GCSEs and just does mornings as she can't cope in school.

I am a Science teacher and her step Dad Maths. She will not work with us at all.

It has been so hard. I have resigned myself to let her deal with the consequences. Of course I will offer help and suggestions.
Her mental health is more interesting as there have been times that I was worried she wouldn't be alive.

Hrs clearly going through a lot. The most important thing is that this period of time doesn't traumatise him and put him off education for life. It may be that he doesnt do well in his gcses. But this isn't actually the end of the world as long as he's still willing to try and redo some of them, in particular English and maths. His mental health and engagement with education is important. Theres so much pressure heaped on kids at thus age as tho if you dont do well at 15 you'll end up living under a bridge in a box. Its ridiculous. Focus on getting his autism diagnosis and learning how to manage his adhd. And then come back to doing the gcses. Community colleges are actually often far better for nuerodivergent kids whove struggled in mainstream school. Theres a lot more flexibility. And a lot less pressure! I personal know several people who dropped out of traditional school then went to Community colleges to either do gcses and a levels or specific foundation years in various subjects or acces to HE courses, who then went on to be very successful. One of them even went to UCL to study medicine when they were 23 and are a GP now!
Your son might not turn out to be academic but there are also plenty of vocational routes he could go down.
Really the most important thing is to stabilise his mental health and deal with the personal issues he is struggling with. He can go back to education but he won't recover if he's just forced to push through when he's not coping with it and made to feel terrible about himself.

If he is predicted 5s even if he were to get these I wouldn't be recommending 6th form. I would get him looking at college courses he would like to do and the grades required. For quite a few it will be a 4 in Maths and English only. Concentrate on those, talk to the teachers of maths and English and see what he needs to do to pass them. There are a multitude of ways to get where you want to be in life and for the vast majority of people GCSEs, A levels, Uni, Job is not how it goes.

He can do 3 years at college, so could do a Level 2 course for a year then progress to Level 3 for a further 2 years.

The content in GCSEs is huge. He may be feeling overwhelmed and has given up, especially if he has ADHD and struggles to organise himself and prioritise. I would recommend speaking to the school to see if he can reduce the number of GCSEs to reduce the content and make him feel that he can cope.

Have you asked him directly what is going on and given him a safe space to discuss it? How does he describe his experience and what is happening with him?

He might be far better suited to vocational qualifications, rather than just being sat in a classroom threatened with detention, so the 'lack of a good reputation' will mean nothing if he finds a course and activities he enjoys - something like electrical installation/engineering/motor vehicle engineering/aviation might suit him perfectly and also give him the impetus to work enough to avoid English and Maths resits (although not the end of the world if he has to do them as well).

Why not look at the college? Are there any other colleges he could get to, which may offer him something suitable?

Have a look around various options, and there may be something which appeals to him, or inspires him! If he's got a plan for progression that's achievable, it does take the pressure off.

He can apply to multiple colleges, and choose on results day.

Tutoring. He needs somebody to do it with him. He has Learning difficulties. Your help and tutor

I feel for you and family. If he has severe OCD then his health is the only focus needed. He won't fail in life if he does vocational quals at college.
My DS is 14 year 10 and been off since Feb with severe OCD. At this point I want him to be well, to have a life and spend time with his peers, even a little.

Does he have any idea for what he wants to do job wise after? Just thinking if he had something to aim for. Possibly a little pt job he’d enjoy and be good at to boost confidence. Help him see academics aren’t be all and end all.

Agree. I was looking at the content for the GCSE maths and the list runs into pages. Its absolutely ridiculous and not needed. If he fails his GCSE's, he will be better off doing a vocational course. He may be able to do Maths and English functional skills instead of GCSE's which are a bit less academic and more practical. FWIW we went to the local college expecting it to be a disaster last resort choice, and were actually really impressed with the facilities and choice of courses. Sometimes FE colleges have an undeserved reputation because they often are seen as the last resort or somewhere to go if you cant get in anywhere else by parents and children, but they are often more specialist for children with SEN, have specialist vocational resources that schools cant provide and have more variety of courses.

He is really good at graphic design and wants to run his own business, he has earned £90 recently by designing videos on Cap Cut. He did try to get a job this summer but it fell through but he may have more options next year when he turns 16.

Thank you for everyone who has responded with helpful thoughts and advice. Been a busy weekend so just collapsed on sofa and will go through all the wisdom x

Sorry to hear this @theansweris42 OCD really is an evil illness and really does have a devastating impact. My DS has constant showers and hand washing, won’t touch door handles and tells his younger siblings that they are filthy and disgusting - all very upsetting. He only does it within the house and not at school. You are right, when you face these issues, the thoughts of exams and life success can feel immaterial and you just want them to be happy, healthy and alive. It’s a very lonely place to be being a parent to a child with OCD. Sending a non-Mumsnet hug xxx

@14blackcrows this is very astute advice, I am guilty of saying things like you will be gutted if all your friends go to sixth form and you don’t get in and you might be living at home for years if you can’t get a well paid job. I need to stop this now and focus on just being kind and supportive of him. It’s difficult getting my head around his diagnosis and working out what is sen, what is hormones and what is lazy teenage can’t be bothered behaviour,I think there is a mixture of them all at times. He really is a lovely boy and caring and need to be more patient.

You don't need 9 gsces to get into college. He could drop some and still get into college. Which are his best ones? He can also retake in a year.

Your poor son. He's been absolutely failed here. How you can't recognise that is beyond my comprehension and so sad. Why are you not fighting for him harder?

What are you doing? Start thinking about what he needs, how he's going to get there, and the process for how to enable him to get there.

What does he want if he doesn't wanna go to college. These 5's and 6's aren't good enough for 6th form so what is he going to do?

you should be speaking to the Senco and the HoY and absolutely demanding the extra time in exams, and all extras to facilitate him.

This should have been set up
Years ago.

what does he need to get to go onto the next step, whatever that is, look at the end goal and then work back and make it happen. Why are you not fighting harder for him?

Move this to the sn section to get good support.

Are you financially able to take him out and home educate him? There are loads of options for getting qualifications as a home-schooler, he could join a home ed programme at a junior college, or lots of providers offer online courses to work towards GCSEs, it doesn't matter if it takes him longer, he doesn't have to do them this year.

I would see if you can work with the school to cut him some breathing space - if he is behind in homework and they expect to catch up and also do the current homework he is never going to get ahead of the work load. I see you have liaised with school already but if you think they would be helpful go back and see if you can make a concrete plan with them. He should be on their radar if he is 3 grades below target and what he needs is help . I would start with someone to organise his time for him- if the school has any after school study support look at those options - is there is something he can attend after school that is regular and allows him to then come home and switch off? Agree that Maths and English have to be his priority because he does not want to have to retake .
I am a year 11 tutor and I understand how overwhelming the demands can be at GCSE with so many subjects all wanting their piece of students time, and that’s before you figure in something as exhausting as OCD.
The graphic design angle sounds amazing- if you can find a course he could do next year which ticks that box it might give him something to hang on to. Our local uni does an entire degree in video editing with lots of industry links etc- there are lots of options once he gets through this grim gcse hurdle.

Agree that the most important thing now is his MH and getting support for his OCD.

My DD got Es and Fs in her GCSEs. I was worried for her, she also struggled with the school environment and MH. No SEN. She did a Level 2 BTEC in a subject she enjoyed, then a Level 3 and passed with a distinction, got into Uni, did a completely different subject, passed with a 2:1 and now has a good job in London.

You could apply for an EHCP for SEN and MH needs which it sounds like he has. Did he get an ASD diagnosis?

An EHCP will enable him to an education up to age 25 if necessary and could open the door for a specialist provision with MH support in the longer term.

Take pressure off.

Instead talk to him about how life will continue just fine without 9 GCSEs.
that is may look different, not sixth form, but he will be fine.

To go to many sixth form colleges, you need 4 or 5 GCSEs, so he doesn't need the 9 anyway.

talk to him about concentrating on maths and English, because it is so much easier to get them done and out of the way rather than having to resit, and everything needs maths and english. But again, don't pressure.

Hug him and tell him that he will be fine, that you support him and that you get how hard this is. Let him know that you are on his side no matter what, no matter what results and no matter what happens next, that together you will find a way.

Mental health first.

No I can’t unfortunately, I’m the main breadwinner in our family and we both need to work to pay the bills, we also have other children and only just break even as it is.

My DS is looking at the games design and animation diploma. I think there is a design L2 that it may be worth looking at at college. It's no exams, just a PowerPoint digital portfolio. Lots of work but over a longer period and something he's good at.