What to do with my DS who is heading towards GCSE failure

[thepuffin]

Hello, will try not to make this too long. My DS (15, Year 11) is usually a lovely boy and has always done averagely well at school but in the last year has nose dived educationally, detentions every week for not doing homework, makes minimal effort, no pride in presentation, predicted grades 5 but getting 2s. For context, he is a late developer puberty wise and just having a hormone surge and lots of rudeness recently and has been assessed this year for having autism, possible ADHD (has been referred) and separately he also has severe OCD at home. Not a great combination and feel for him and supporting him here. I have bought him study guides, remind him of his homework deadlines, supported him doing coursework and attended all school events and liasing with Head of Year and SENCO. But this academic year is passing by and I feel sick that he is going to bomb his exams and come out with nothing and will feel upset seeing his mates head on to sixth form. There is a local college to us but it doesn't have a great reputation. I know it's not the end of the world, and he doesn't need qualifications to be happy, but worry that he is going to limit his opportunities and regret his lack of effort now. Any suggestions would be gratefully received, please be gentle, am finding this very tough. Thanks

Thanks for your input, albeit some of it is quite harsh especially the accusation that ‘I am not fighting for him’ which you have based on very little information. I have been fighting for him for years, to get the autism and ADHD diagnosis from CAHMS, been into school to speak to SENCO and get a plan in place, liased with head of year, form tutor and subject teachers, all of whom have been fully engaged and helpful. A little kindness and understanding would have been preferable than these accusations:(

There's so much pressure on them isnt there, so many subjects, so much to learn!. Its horrendous if you arent really academic. My son 16 has asd, went to a good main stream school, he dropped spanish and English lit to lessen the load and got 6 gcses, he is now at college and thriving as he feels he's with his people doing a vocational course he loves. He didn't get on to a T level as only achieved a 4 in maths but will resit so it gives him options for next year.
I used to say to my son, the sky won't fall in just do the best you can and you'll be absolutely fine

He did get the diagnosis, yes. I’m not quite sure how I go about getting an EHCP and what the benefits would be. School and SENCO have been great to date even before his diagnosis so didn’t think we needed one but perhaps we do. Not sure what it adds (sorry for being dim)

Sorry if you think it's harsh. But current situation, despite your efforts isn't working. Fact. So what now?

Thank you for sharing your experience, it means a lot. Am glad that it’s worked out for your son. I am surrounded by friends with high achieving kids and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere but know that’s just ridiculous as nothing to do with my parenting, have even a hands on, caring and present parent.

He is likely overwhelmed as it does really ramp up in Y11. Try to focus on the essentials: English and maths as these are the ones he will have to resist. If it seems less overwhelming then he might get somewhere.
School won’t support him dropping subjects as they’re obliged to give him access to as broad a number of subjects as possible.

May I Suggest that you need to be proactive to ensure that every single opportunity is given to him asap.

What stage are you out with his ADHD and ASD diagnosis? How close are you to actually achieving that and when will adhd medication be trialled?

Irrespective of diagnosis, which school does not need, to implement plan, what are they actually doing for him and what is set in place to facilitate him to make sure he achieves all the best he can ?

Thanks for your apology. Do you have any suggestions, he is my first born and trying my best but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Not sure what else I could ask from school, they have agreed exam adjustments, different exam room, intervention learning for maths, maintained his confidentiality (he doesn’t want any of his friends to find out) and keep in touch with me.

"albeit some of it is quite harsh especially the accusation that ‘I am not fighting for him’ which you have based on very little information. I have been fighting for him for years, to get the autism and ADHD diagnosis from CAHMS, been into school to speak to SENCO and get a plan in place, liased with head of year, form tutor and subject teachers, all of whom have been fully engaged and helpful. A little kindness and understanding would have been preferable than these accusations:("

Harsh?
Based on little information? Then tell us more.

"all of whom have been fully engaged and helpful."

Have they really? Done as much as they can? I think not. Else your son wouldn't be currently failing so badly.

Kindliness and understanding?
I've offered you innumerable suggestions, on a practical basis. and yet you don't see this as helpful? Odd. I think this says more about you than anyone else.

I've offered loads of suggestions. The fact is whatever your sons needs, is not being met right now. You know this this is a fact. Talk to school. Discuss other alternatives. So what are you going to do to enable him to get the grades he deserves?

Would he engage with maths and English tutoring? A) if you can find good ones they might boost his confidence and b) hopefully pass and not have to do it next year

No you haven’t. You’ve spouted a load of rubbish. Are you actually trying to offer support? Help? Advice? You’re probably one of the most aggressive posters I’ve come across.

Calm down. Deep breath and try again.

What are school doing to help? It's quite possible that he's having the same difficulties at school but spending all his energy masking them.

DD3 is on the waiting list for ASD assessment and has OCD symptoms. Her school have given her exit passes etc., and last week the SENCO even sprayed her science worksheet with antibacterial spray because the science sub had coughed and spluttered on it, so she had left the class with it in distress.

DD3 can't touch door handles with her hands either. It's very stressful. The SEN department have given her a workstation in the SEN block with privacy screens. It's not ideal that she's out of class a fair bit, but her overall school attendance has gone from 78% to 100% because she's nolonger trapped in the classroom if people are coughing and sneezing, etc.

My goodness, same here! All my friends have high achieving teens. I had to have a word with myself and stop comparing. 6th form and A levels were never going to be his pathway, and at first it made me sad because I thought he would miss out, but he's so happy now, he's a different boy. Sometimes things happen for a reason . Don't be hard on yourself you sound like a lovely mum

@Sometimeswinning

Despite being on the sn boards for 15+ years, you see this as aggressive?

What would you suggest op
Does? That I or other posters haven't previously suggested?

@Sometimeswinning

"You’ve spouted a load of rubbish."

Clarify. Please

You’re probably one of the most aggressive posters I’ve come across.

@Sometimeswinning

I take umbrage at this. Please clarify.

The op asks for help. You tell op it’s all their fault and they should be fighting harder and doing more. They have failed their child and what medication are they getting for their child who has yet to even be diagnosed for adhd!

You’re just shouting a few things you know without thinking. I doubt many people come to you for advice in real life!

@Sometimeswinning
Wow, that's harsh. I've got more experience on SN, then you've had hot dinners. I know how to fight to get your child what they need, but if that doesn't fit your profile......

and yes lots come to me for advice. Even today one football mum did!

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. You have no idea what @Oblomov23 is like in real life.

@thepuffin an EHCP secures your DS the right to a tailored education until he is 25 (26 in some cases). It can allow access to more educational opportunities, assistive technology such as Dragon Naturally if he finds it hard to retain his thoughts until he gets them down on paper.

My DD2 was similarly failing in year 10. Virtually out of school, to the point that school told me to stop trying to bring her. She got an EHCP, and after a tricky year proving that even an expensive specialist independent school was too much for her, she is now starting a bespoke package from the Local Authority. She does horse riding weekly, has Speech and Language Therapy for her expressive communication difficulties, Occupational therapy for her sensory difficulties and life skills work. She's going to have a TA/PA who works with her through the week and accompanies her to any activities she's doing. She's going to have education from alternative providers to make sure she gets the qualifications she needs for the future.

Your DS is battling such difficulties that he probably doesn't have anything left for academic success. He deserves an education that meets his needs. It's not too late. Education doesn't stop in year 11. DD2 is now year 11 (she should be year 12 but they tried restarting year 10 last year). It's going to take a good while to get her comfortable with learning again. She has time because she has an EHCP that can last another 9 years if it needs to.

@Sometimeswinning

I clarify again. Read all my posts again. What exactly, specifically, are you suggesting? That I haven't?

@Lougle : bless your cotton socks, thank you indeed, severely for standing up for me.

I often think that the single most important lesson I've learned as a parent (and former teacher/private tutor) is to say something along the lines of "everything's going to be okay" "we'll work something out" "there is always a way forward" "don't worry - we're here for you" "it's not the end of the world" - I think it's really important to say this - even in those situations where perhaps you don't know exactly what you might have to do next but offering this level of support and encouragement - I think - is really important. Look at your own life - haven't things not gone to plan on occasion? Has sh!t happened? Yes - very likely and yet... you get through it. Take one of my kids - this is how I approached a situation where they were 3 years into a 5 year degree but they were mentally too ill to continue and needed to be hospitalised - they needed a lot of convincing, encouragement and support to quit the course (this was back in 2014) - imagine that - having to give up on everything they had worked for? I said trust me, everything is going to be OK. Now what followed was an extremely difficult period in all our lives but IMHO it brought us all even closer together. It's taken a few years to recover but... everything has worked out for the best, they finished their degree and have been working for several years so... I'm saying - if I were you - you'll have to accept "they are where they are", try and accept the worst case scenario and try to think about doing what you can to do better than that worst case scenario - be there for them - however difficult this might be for you - no doubt you are worried, anxious, disappointed perhaps - this is life - it just keeps coming at you. Honestly I know almost no one whose life panned out as they thought it would.

I recommend listening to some of Naomi fishers stuff in u tube. It's really enlightening and holds up hugely for ND kids and their struggles.

As a mum of a dd with ASD
She crashed
Out of sixth form
And spent 3 months in bed other than a bit of gaming.

Now she has found a course sh is keen on and it's volunteering and working in a field she loves

I was scared like you that she would Amount to nothing while HerPeers soared ahead but actually now we have all realised there are other ways and sometimes chances come about that could
Never have happened while in school.

I also recommend the book never let go but Suzanne alderton.

My D’s has Asd/adhd had a horrific year11.

I believe a combination of the pressure of the future/ hormones / exam stress and his lack of muturity ( bear in mind children with ADHD are on avarage 2.7 years begin in maturity)

I would say a couple of things from my experience ..

keep the door of communication open ,
try and encourage time to settle and regular bedtimes .

go to college open evenings look at options.

my Ds had a very small room for exams , extra time and rest breaks ..

if you can possibly afford it I would look at private diagnosis .

give him the best diet he will eat .. I did more roast dinner’s than I had any desire for as it was the best none processed food he would eat..

I definitely didn’t get it right .. but use what will help . Is there other adults he will open too ,open up to . My Ds’s tutor was a lifeline.. use what works .

use the carrot if you think it will motivate him .

Anther thing I would say is that schools and Local Authorities would have you believe that EHCPs are rare and unusual. That meagre additional support is gold standard and that you're asking for the moon on a stick. That alternative provision is out of the question. However, once you're in the world of SEN, suddenly:
~ the EHCP that was 'impossible' is possible. Believe me when I say that your DS meets the threshold for assessment, which is that he has (or may have) SEN, and that he may require a Plan to meet his needs.
~There are options other than simply coping in mainstream school. DD2 went from no provision at all in year 9 to virtually out of school in year 10 to a very expensive specialist independent school in year 11 (to repeat year 10).
~There are bespoke packages available that you will never hear of, because they cost money and take effort and time to organise.

When I said that DD2 felt that she should be able to cope in school and that she has failed, the LA officer told me that there are so many kids who don't do 'school' - it really isn't that uncommon. They just don't tell you about it.